Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Worst of the Night: Oh Glorious Bawful

george karl facepalm
Blitzed by a 54-point quarter?

nuggets facepalm
Lit the hell up by Mike Dunleavy Jr.?
Also yes.

pacers fan
Freaky scary Pacers fans?
Very, very yes.

The Enver Nuggets: All I can say is: The 1990-91 Denver Nuggets must be proud. Or ashamed. Or...look, they're definitely feeling something, okay? They must be.

Why? Well, here's what the Indiana Pacers did to the 2010-11 Denver Nuggets last night:

144 points
64.4 percent shooting (56-for-87)
53.3 percent on threes (16-for-30)
20 fast break points
37 assists
48 points in the paint
54 third quarter points (20-for-21)
No, there isn't any feces in your eyes. Yes, you read that last part correctly. The Pacers shot 20-for-21 in the third quarter. In fact, they hit their first 20 shots. The lone miss occurred when Josh "What the f**k did you just do?!" McRoberts missed a 26-foot three-pointer with 1.9 seconds left in the quarter.

According to the AP recap, it was the highest-scoring quarter in Pacers history (no shock there), the fourth-highest total for a quarter in NBA history, and tied for the second-most ever scored in a third quarter. According to ESPN Stats and Information, the only teams to score more points in a quarter than the 2010-11 Pacers were the 1972-73 Buffalo Braves (58), the 1990-91 Phoenix Suns (57) and the 1988-89 Golden State Warriors (57). The 1969-70 Boston Celtic and 1969-70 Atlanta Hawks also scored 54 in a quarter.

And just think: The only thing between the Pacers and 20-for-20 shooting was a dumb decision by McRoberts -- who apparently didn't realize the Pacers were only seconds away from the most insanely best shooting quarter evah!

Said McRoberts: "I didn't know. I would have tried to pump-fake it a few more times, and maybe pass it to Mike [Dunleavy]. It's a good record to screw up, I guess."

Replied Dunleavy: "I didn't realize it until after the fact, or else I probably would have gone over there and stole the ball from him [McRoberts]."

Speaking of Dunleavy Jr. -- yep, he's still alive and in the league -- the dude went 5-for-5 from downtown and scored 24 of his 31 points in that third quarter romp.

Said Ty Lawson: "I don't know how many 3s he hit in a row, but it was like the old NBA Jam."

Wait, wait. Let me get this straight: Somebody made an NBA Jam reference about Mike Dunleavy Jr.?!! Things inside me just broke. Vital things. Sex organs...shriveling. Motor functions...failing. Bowels...releasing. Oh God.

Added Enver coach George Karl: "The dike broke, and the dam broke, and the flood hit us. We know that happens three or four times a year. Hopefully we can get better and respond against the Lakers on Thursday."

Here' a quick list of the hottest-shooting Pacers from last night's game:

Darren Collison (12-for-14)
Danny Granger (8-for-10)
Tyler Hansbrough (9-for-12)
Mike Dunleavy Jr. (9-for-13)
Roy Hibbert (7-for-13)
Josh McRoberts: DUMBASS.

The Miami Heat: It tells you what kind of night it was that a loss by the Heat only gets second billing in a Worst of the Night post.

Anyway, the Heat were living the dream, man. Dwyane Wade scored 39 points (12-for-23 from the field, 3-for-5 on threes, 12-for-16 from the line). LeBron James finally posted a triple-double (20 points, 14 assists, 11 rebounds). And Chris Bosh (17 points, 7-for-13, 9 boards) nearly looked like the old RuPaul of Big Men we sort of knew -- I say "sort of" because Canadian basketball doesn't really count, right Chris? Remember: Basketball doesn't exit if it's not on TV.

Miami even built a 22-point lead in the second quarter.

Then Paul Milsap made it f**king rain, pounding Miami's interior and exterior defense like the cheapest of cheap whores. Yes, I said "exterior defense" too. Milsap scored a career-high 46 points on 19-for-28 shooting. He scored 11 of those points -- including three straight three-pointers and a buzzer-beating tip-in! -- in the final 28 seconds of regulation to help the Jazz come back from an 8-point deficit and force overtime.

Let's watch the Milman in all his glory:

You know what, maybe Ty Lawson was onto
something with that NBA Jam reference...

Said Bosh: "I'd never seen him hit a three before."

Added Milsap: "I guess when it rains, it pours."

Well, you've see it now.

I guess so.

For the record, Milsap had gone 2-for-20 from three-point range during his career before last night. Damn.

Said Wade: "The man was on fire."

As for Miami's vaunted defense, it gave up 58 points in the paint and 42 points in the fourth quarter. Oh, and Eddie House once again took the Heat's final shot. Don't forget...never forget: EDDIE HOUSE GETS THE CLUTCH SHOTS ON THIS TEAM, BITCHES. I'm just sayin'.

Speaking of just sayin', Basketbawful reader AK Dave once again provided the link to Miami's Countdown to Failure. Good times.

Bonus Bawful from Wild Yams:

Look, before we get ahead of ourselves making fun of Van Gundy's prediction that the Heat would win 73+ games this year, we should focus on something more immediate. Like his prediction that the Heat "will never lose two games in a row this year." With Boston coming to town on Thursday, that prediction looks like it could be in serious jeopardy of being proven false barely two weeks into the season.

Also of note, the Heat (5-3) are only a half a game ahead of Cleveland (4-3) right now. However, Cleveland is technically in the 4th seed while Miami is in the 5th seed, due to the Cavs leading the Central Division while Miami is just 3rd in the Southeast Division.

Not to worry though, John Hollinger's calculator still says the Heat have outplayed everyone else thus far this season.

Go LeBron!
More bonus bawful from stephanie g.:

Jazz win despite D-whistle and LaRef having a 47-21 FT advantage, without Deron Williams in OT, and while LeBron runs away from plays when it matters after notching another worthless triple double. And he watches Wade and Haslem try to win. The basketbawfulness is so, so good, so early. Better than I could have hoped. Now we just need some freeze outs, woman problems, or something going wrong at the club. Oh great Noodly One, I don't ask for much...
Paul Milsap, quote machine: "It's speechless, to be down like that to a team like this and to come out with a win."

Jerry Sloan, quote machine: Asked whether Milsap has the green light to chuck threes: "He does now."

Update! Chris Bosh: From Basketbawful reader Benway:

"...the Heat's big men faltered down the stretch after sparking Miami to a first-half lead. 'I don't think we can change what our inside presence is,' Wade said. 'Everybody has their advantages.'

I'm really confused by this statement. Didn't the Heat sign an "elite" PF this summer? Shouldn't one of the criteria of being elite be that your 2 guard doesn't have to make statements of accepted resignation such as this?
The New Jersey Nyets: Let's face it: There's no non-anticlimactic way to follow up entries about Enver's defensive demise and Paul Milsap beasting on the Heat. That said, I'll give it my best shot by using our good friends the Nyets. Not only did they lose at home to the Unamazing Cavaliers...they got the punching bag treatment from Cleveland's bench.


Cleveland's reserves scored 52 points on 19-for-37 shooting from the field and 8-for-10 from beyond the arc. Antawn Jamsison (6-for-10, 3-for-4) and Ramon Sessions (6-for-11) each had 15 points and Boobie Gibson (5-for-10, 4-for-5) added 14.

By comparison, New Jerseys pine riders scored 15 as a unit.

The Nyets have now lost five straight since their 2-0 start. History time! According to ESPN Stats and Information: "New Jersey has lost 18 straight November games dating back to last year. The longest streak for November futility is 20, set by the Grizzlies from 1995 to 1996."

The time and place may change, but the Nyets will not stop failing us.

Mo Williams: Dear Mo: Larry and Curly are disappointed in you. Williams missed his first nine shots and finished with two points on 1-of-12 shooting. Remember folks, he's a former All-Star.

The Los Angeles Clippers: This night just wouldn't have felt complete without a 19-point beatdown of the Clippers. Fortunately, just such a beating was administered by the New Orleans Hornets. And since no Clippers loss itself is truly complete without some extra level of humiliation, I should point out that Jerryd Bayless -- who entered the game averaging 2.2 PPG on 29 percent shooting -- busted out of his slump with 15 points (5-for-10) and 9 assists.

Said Bayless: "It was just, like, finally."

Fellow reserve Willie Green scored 19 points himself. In fact, Bayless and Green combined to score the Hornets' first 19 points of the fourth quarter to help pump the lead up to 89-69.

That's right. New Orleans blew the doors off while Chris Paul was on the bench. Of course, The Other L.A. Team did itself in by giving up 35 points off 25 turnovers.

Said Clips coach Vinny Del Negro: "You can't expect to win at home or on the road when you have that many turnovers, so we've got to do a much better job of valuing the possession of the ball."

Good luck getting guys like Baron Davis to value anything not called "quadruple cheeseburger and fries," Vinny.

But you know, there might be hope. From Basketbawful reader Silvio:

Good news for " ... who we thought ... " is they host Pissed-Ons at Friday and Nyets at Monday. Griffin versus Daye (and non-existent Pissed-Ons inside defense), then versus Troy Murphy (and almost non-existent Nyets inside defense), he'll score something like 80 or 90 over those two games. That might be good enough for 2 wins and 3-8 record = 27% wins at that moment. It might be season best for " ... they were" during season, both in win percentage column and longest winning streak.
The New York Knicks: Speaking of beatdowns, how about New York's 27-point loss to the Bucks in Milwaukee? I'm not sure which was worse: the Bricks giving up 42 points in the first quarter or scoring only 13 in the fourth.

You know what? We'll call it a tie.

Statistical note: The Bucks entered the game averaging a league-worst 89.6 PPG on a next-to-last-place 39.9 percent shooting. Against the Bricks, Milwaukee scored 107 points on 51.3 percent shooting. Brandon Jennings -- who was shooting 39 percent -- scored 19 points on 8-for-13 from the field.

Updated! Amar''''''e Stoudemire: This was STAT's first time going up against Andrew Bogut since he gave the Humpty Dumpty treatment to Bogut's arm. Naturally, he pulled down only 4 rebounds as his team got beaten on the boards 45-34.

Of course, Stoudemire ended up jostling with Bogut (for which he received a technical foul) and talking smack with Bucks coach Scott Skiles (who said STAT was talking to the Bucks bench and that he, Skiles, "was addressing him back.").

Amar''''''e also said Bogut hit him. Intentionally. Was it payback? Said Stoudemire: "Possibly. I don't know what he's thinking."

Here's an add-on from Basketbawful reader Alex: "Can we add to Amar''''''e's bawfulness by watching the NBA TV Top 10 Plays? Drew Gooden threw the ball of the backboard to himself while Stat was guarding him. Definitely worth the $100 Million, because when I think about a PF who can't play with his back to the basket, can't play defense, doesn't rebound well, I think $100 Million."

And now, the video:

The Detroit Pistons: Let's go ahead and add the Pistons to the list of teams getting their asses handed to them tonight. The lowlights of Detroit's 100-78 loss to the Frail Blazers include:

Giving up 27 fast break points
Getting outscored 4-26 in the paint
Surrendering 23 points off 19 turnovers
Being outrebounded 45-33
Shooting only 55.6 percent from the line
Trailing by as many as 25 points
Falling to 0-4 on the road whle starting a four-game road trip
Being the Pistons
Said Ben Gordon: "Kill me. For the love of God, kill me."

The Los Angeles Lakers: They robbed us of what may have been the purest, most perfect night of bawful ever by failing to lose to the Timberwolves. Barely. In fact, the night would have been perfectly bawful if:

1. The Lakers had lost at home to the Timberwolves.

2. Mario West returned and submitted a true Mario.

3. KG mysteriously showed up in Indianapolis to tell George Karl he looks like a cancer patient.
Alas. We will have to make due with nearly perfect bawful.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: Check out the opening from the AP recap:

Ron Artest, the former math major at St. John's, could only chuckle at the unfairness of this equation.

The Lakers' worst performance of the season plus the Minnesota Timberwolves' best effort of the year still equaled another win in Los Angeles' historic start to the season.
So, wait, Ron-Ron was a math major? No wonder I hate math. But seriously, I'm not sure how this fact escaped me all these years. Oh, the missed jokes. Well, I know now, and that's what counts.

Also, it's funny that "the Minnesota Timberwolves' best effort of the year" involved 38 percent shooting and 27 turnovers for 23 points going the other way. That's the glory of setting the bar really low. Then almost anything you do can be considered a "best effort" or whatever.

Said Kurt Rambis: "I just told them in the locker room that the hard part is replicating what we did here tonight." What, you mean losing, Kurt? Oh, don't worry. I think you'll be able to replicate that another 50-60 times this season.

Chris's Lacktion Report:

Nuggets-Pacers: Indiana's Dahntay Jones collected 1.8 trillion worth of jewels (1:49)!

Cavs-Nets: Ryan Hollins actually providing celebration for Clevelanders by negating a pair of made free throws and a board in 7:28 with 5 fouls and a rejection, earning a 5:3 Voskuhl.

Clippers-Hornets: DJ Mbenga made more than millions tonight by joining George Shinn at the banquet table with a 5.55 (5:34) trillion!

Pistons-Frail Blazers: Greg Monroe marked himself onto the ledger for Detroit by countering a made field goal and two boards in exactly 24 minutes with three fouls and giveaways each for a 6:4 Voskuhl, while Jason Maxiell bricked once in 2:15 for a +1 suck differential.

For Portland's infirmary, Luke Babbitt and Sean Marks each fouled once in 2:15 for a +1 (with Marks gaining a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl as well).

Wolves-Lakers: Nikola Pekovic lost the rock once in 1:26 and added a heaved piece of masonry in that span for a +2 and a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

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