After he retires from the NBA, Ben Wallace wants to be a lawyer. Ron Artest, on the other hand, wants to play in the NFL. Seriously. I mean, Artest is deeply entrenched in the Tyson Zone at this point, but this was still almost surprising. Emphasis on "almost." I still didn't even raise my eyebrow in contemplation after reading this. I just had to blink a couple times for it to sink in before moving on with my life.
Here is your must-read footbawful-related link of the day -- The Cranky Redskins Fan's Guide to Dan Snyder. (h/t Will) Block out some time to read this monster, because every single sentence is worth it.
Just for the record, I don't think I could party with Fred Smoot. Anybody who claims that a party on Lake Minnetonka featuring a boat full of prostitutes is "overrated" must really be desensitized by a constant line of women throwing themselves and their vaginas upon him. (You know, like the exact opposite of me.)
Worst of the Night in Pictures:
Nationally Televised Games:
Suns at Magic, TNT, 8pm: In news that should surprise absolutely nobody who has seen the undersized Suns' roster (Channing Frye? Hedo Turkoglu? These are the people you're slotting in the 4 and 5 slots???), Phoenix's opponents have been averaging 46.4 rebounds per game. That's worst in the league. If Dwight Howard actually had anything resembling a hypercompetitive fire, this game would be the basketball beatdown equivalent of firing up Mortal Kombat, putting it on two player mode, and practicing your spine-snapping fatality moves on the stationary opponent. However, because Dwight's constantly got that goofy ass grin on his face, the Suns still stand a chance if they start raining threes.
Nuggets at Frail Blazers, TNT, 10:30pm: Brandon Roy is out yet again. Greg Oden's knees are about five seconds away from spontaneously combusting. However, Denver's dropped four of their last six in Portland, so maybe, just maybe, there might be a little hope for the Blazers fans tonight.
All The Other Games:
Clippers at Pacers, 7pm: I love reading the STATS LLC game previews for terrible contests such as this one. The writers are so (appropriately) disgusted that they start writing like one of us. Case in point, the harsh opening to the preview for this game: "While the Indiana Pacers have struggled at home this season, the Los Angeles Clippers can't seem to win no matter where they play." Yes, this is the point we have already reached less than a month into the season. The dark cloud of Clippers history combined with the pure evil of Donald Sterling and the vortex of incompetence of Vinny del Negro have formed some sort of unholy storm of failure that will destroy everything and everyone in its path. Just think of what this team will be like by the end of December!