I don't know about you, but it felt like a good day to post videos of Michael Jordan repeatedly jamming wieners into his mouth.
"They plump when you cook 'em!" Tell me that's not a double-entendre...
Note: Have you ever read the textbook definition of "wiener"? Here it is: "A smoked sausage of beef or beef and pork, etc., enclosed in a membranous casing and made in cylindrical links a few inches long." Gak. Yet another reason to never eat a hot dog again.
So... how many more months until NBA 2K11 comes out?
Ever wonder how Jordan would fare in today's NBA? With the hand-checking rules on defense changed so that you are no longer allowed to do everything just short of clubbing your opponent upside the head with an aluminum bat, people have long speculated that Jordan could average 40 or even 50 points per game if he was able to play in today's game during hs prime. Well, here is your chance to find out.
For all the fun I've had playing NBA 2K10, I've always wanted to see more than just a handful of old-school players available, and of course we all have heard by now that 2K Sports is delivering just what we want. NBA 2K11 will feature Michael Jordan with old-school teams, old-school players, and even recreating 10 specific games from Jordan's career. However, this article informs us that 2K Sports is taking a step further. After beating all 10 of NBA 2K11's Jordan challenges, you will have the opportunity to play an offline-only, single player game mode called Creating a Legend.
In this game mode that operate in similar fashion the My Player mode that made last year's game so amazing, you are able to draft a raw rookie version of Michael Jordan onto any current NBA team:
"The idea behind MJ: Creating a Legend is that you're going to step into today's NBA with a rookie Michael Jordan," Boenisch says. "He is rated a 79 overall, which gives you plenty of room to improve, but he has all of the physical tools of Michael as a rookie -- the fast speed, the high jumping, the quickness -- but he lacks a lot of the shooting skills and the offensive and defensive awareness. So you're playing with a raw prospect who can do just about anything, but can't deliver in the clutch just yet.
"And the cool thing about this mode is that you're player-locked to Michael Jordan, so you're kind of recreating the career and the legend of Michael Jordan."
Also exciting is the news that Jordan's physical appearance will transform as he ages in the game. Adds Boenisch: "When you start out as a rookie, you're going to start out with the short fade, the short little hair. Then as he gets older you're going to see him go with the bald look, then the mustache in the middle years, and his body will bulk up a little bit as he slowly becomes the older Jordan. For fans of Jordan, it's really cool to see the progression and play as Michael and see what it is like to relive that skill that he had to takeover any game."
The game will let you play all the way up from Jordan's rookie year until age 40. I guess this means you won't get to wear Hanes t-shirts under your jersey with a weird little Hitler mustache. Also, you don't get to spend a year and a half playing MLB 2k11 because David Stern suspended you for gambling because you are bored of dominating basketball and want to take a baseball sabbatical. Then again, maybe that's not a bad thing. You also are spared the pain of being majority owner of a fairly crappy expansion franchise -- but, hey, if you want to draft Jordan onto the Bobcats so that he can play for them, be my guest. Just don't come crying to me when Virtual Jordan tells you to get bent and demands a trade after playing with teammates like Erick Dampier and Nazr Mohammed. And if you draft Jordan onto the Washington Wizards, you are a sick bastard.
(And Lord knows what happens if you try to draft him with the poor New Jersey Nets...)
And no, there's no truth to the rumor that the game comes packaged with playing cards, a cigar, and a golf ball. Sorry. We can only hope they include a hidden mini-game where you get to play $10,000-a-hand blackjack in Vegas with Antoine Walker until 'Toine goes broke and goes to the buffet to eat away his sorrows.
About two seconds after LeBron James made "The Decision" to pull a Hollywood Hogan on the city of Cleveland so he could team up with the Super Friends of South Beach -- hereafter referred to as "The Nazgul" -- the Internet almost crashed under the electronic weight of newspaper articles and blog posts proclaiming that: Michael Jordan never would have wimped out like that...he wanted to beat his opponents not join them.
Because of course nothing LeBron has ever done or apparently will ever do -- no 50-point performance, no triple-double, no buzzer beater, no playoff performance, and now no contract decision -- is complete until the Michael Jordan comparisons are made. It's like the huge glop of cheese on top of an order of cheese fries. If LeBron's tree falls in the woods, nobody will hear it unless it gets compared to how loud Jordan's tree was when it fell.
Anyway, all that "MJ wouldn't have done that" stuff was all idle speculation until now. The GOAT has spoken:
"There's no way, with hindsight, I would've ever called up Larry, called up Magic and said 'Hey, look, let's get together and play on one team. But...things are different. I can't say that's a bad thing. It's an opportunity these kids have today. In all honesty, I was trying to beat those guys."
So Jordan has officially confirmed what we were all already thinking. Thanks for that, MJ. Personally, I was tired of all that thinking. My brain is more paper weight than functioning organ. Mind you, this latest pronouncement comes on the heels of His Airness stating that (in his opinion) Kobe is better than LeBron.
So...how does it feel under that dogpile, LeBron? Do you have enough, ahem, air in there?
"He may think he's great enough to be on this level now. But when he gets on this level and plays against guys who've been competitive and very good on this level, he's going to find it's a big difference from that 5-10 high school kid.
...
"I think he's talented for 18 years old. Once he gets to this level, I don't think he's in the upper echelon of two guards or small forwards. I think he's toward the bottom -- respectively so, because there's so much about his game that he's going to have to adapt to. He has unbelievable potential. I think that's what everybody is looking at, everybody is raving about. But he hasn't played against competition consistently, college or pros. He's played against high school kids ... You have to give that some credence.
"When you look at the skill level and his maturity at his age, he's definitely talented enough. Five years from now? If he takes on the dedication of being the best basketball player he can be, and continues to improve and accept challenges and not get comfortable with what's been given to him or what the expectations may be, he could definitely be a good pro."
Well, I guess MJ was right...LeBron is definately a good pro.
With cigar in hand and sarcasm dripping from his words, Michael Jordan posed a question for Charles Barkley.
"Charles, what would you have done if Pip (Scottie Pippen) and I called you up and asked you to come join us in Chicago?" Jordan asked.
A look of disgust flashed on Barkley's face. Not in a million years, he scoffed, and his colorful language made Jordan smile with pleasure.
It was nothing more than a humorous exchange between close friends on the driving range of the American Century Championship. Yet it spoke volumes of how the NBA's old guard views LeBron James and his ignoble departure to Miami.
"Let me just tell you this," Barkley said. "Mike and I are in 100 percent agreement on this. If you're the two-time defending NBA MVP, you don't leave anywhere. They come to you. That's ridiculous.
"I like LeBron. He's a great player. But I don't think in the history of sports you can find a two-time defending MVP leaving to go play with other people."
Speaking of Sir Charles, The Round Mound had this to say to 790 the Ticket in Miami last week:
"He'll never be Jordan. This clearly takes him out of the conversation. He can win as much as he wants to.
"There would have been something honorable about staying in Cleveland and trying to win it as 'The Man' ... LeBron, if he would've in Cleveland, and if he could've got a championship there, it would have been over the top for his legacy, just one in Cleveland. No matter how many he wins in Miami, it clearly is Dwyane Wade's team."
Just like with MJ, Chuck is simply saying what we were all already thinking. But here's the thing: Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe, in part, this was LeBron's way of saying, "I know I'm not Michael Jordan. And I don't want to try to be Michael Jordan."
Personally, I think LeBron wants to be "Mega Pippen." Back in the day, Scottie Pippen wanted to be considered equal to Michael Jordan without shouldering the responsibility of being Michael Jordan. I mean, he tried (when he wasn't getting a migraine or refusing to check into the game because the game-winning play was written up for somebody else), but Pippen simply wasn't that kind of player. And, frankly, he wasn't Jordan's equal.
However, LeBron is at least D-Wade's equal. And yet now he has a teammate who has killer instinct and championship pedigree. Now, King Crab can do his "a little bit to a lot of everything" act -- ala Pippen -- and potentially turn to Wade when things get ugly. And, as Barkley said, it's always going to be Dwyane's team, so the greatest burden of responsibility will always been on Wade.
At any rate, it all comes back to the same thing, and I've said it over and over on this site: All comparisons between LeBron and MJ should stop immediately (if they haven't already). If not because they were ridiculous to begin wtih, then because LeBron himself made has made "The Decision" not to be like Mike.
The Charlotte Bobcats: Everybody who wondered why I've been so dismissive of the Bobcats as a first round dark horse...
...this is why.
Dwight Howard -- who re-nicknamed himself Foul-On-You -- was limited to 23 minutes and fouled out yet again. What's more, the Magic shot only 41 percent, bricked 12 free throws and scored only 16 points in the paint. It didn't matter. Over the second half of the season, I kept flatly stating that you really don't have to worry about a team whose number two guy is Stephen "I'm made for the playoffs and championships. That's what I play for. I'm Big Shot Jack." Jackson.
Sure enough, Big Shot Jack laid an rotten egg (2-for-11 and a game-worst 4 turnovers) and the Bobcats became the only team to get swept out of the playoffs. As always, I'm just sayin'.
"Some advice from a champion to a
non-champion? Hit some fucking shots.
And no, your Spurs title doesn't count."
Stan Van Gundy, quote machine: On Pumaman's constant foul trouble: "If you would have told me that he would have averaged well under 30 minutes for the series and we would sweep, I would have said you're crazy. I think it's a testament to our other guys." That's right. Credit for Orlando's first round sweep of the Bobcats officially goes to "Everybody not named Dwight Howard."
So, yeah, maybe I was wrong about that Dwight for MVP thing...
The agony of Michael Jordan: I know what you're thinking, MJ, but the answer is: No. NBA teams do not have a 90-day return policy.
Dwight Howard, quote machine: "We're going to be well rested. I'm going to be well rested." Ooooooh, I get it! All those stupid fouls -- 22 in four games, limiting you to about 26 minutes per game -- was strategy. It was all about staying rested. Look out, second round of the playoffs!
Larry Brown, rumor machine: Earlier this season Brown -- who is an NBA coaching gypsy -- was rumored to be considering a job with the Clippers. The latest rumor is that he might bolt for Philadelphia, where his wife and kids live. Brown always seems confused about why these rumors follow him. Well, that's what happens when you're a job jumper, Larry.
Said Brown: "I'm not coaching anywhere but Charlotte. Now am I going to go home and talk to my wife and kids? I'll be 70 years old with two young kids. Am I going to talk to them and find out what I need to do and am I going to talk to Michael? Yeah, absolutely."
See how he's giving himself some wiggle room? Classic Larry Brown.
The Atlanta Hawks: Everybody who wondered why I've been so dismissive of the Hawks as a championship contender...
...this is why.
Everybody got so excited about their season sweep of the Boston Celtics. Well, the Celtics were up and down all year, and the Hawks remain an inconsistent team that sucks on the road. I mean, Atlanta is easily more talented than the Andrew Bogut-less Bucks, right? And yet the series is now 2-2. What sense does that make?
Milwaukee scored 111 points on 55 percent shooting. The Bucks outscored the Hawks 44-26 in the paint despite not having a single inside scoring threat right now. The Atlanteans couldn't stay in front of or keep from hacking John Salmons (10-for-10 from the line), nor could they get a hand in the face of Brandon Jennings (23 points, 9-for-16) or Carlos Delfino (22 points, 6-for-8 from downtown).
Defensive fail. Toughness fail. Everything fail.
Said Joe Johnson: "It's very frustrating, man. We just don't have the toughness. They are getting all the loose balls, all the big rebounds. We can't get stops when we need to and it's killing us."
This is standard operating procedure for the Dirty Birds. Over their past three postseasons, the Hawks are 1-10 on the road, while averaging 80.8 PPG (on 38 percent shooting) and giving up 100.6 PPG (on 48 percent shooting). That's right. They average a 20-point blowout on the road in the playoffs. A sure sign of championship non-contender-ness.
Seriously, what is up with their crappy road play?
Said Jamal Crawford: "I wish I knew. I wish I could figure it out. We're two totally different teams. I think it's been like that in the past for this team. We play well at home, we feed off the crowd, but you can't play every game at home. We have to figure this out. That's what winners do, that's what champions do."
Another sad Blazers bench photo? Our third of the playoffs? Yep.
The Portland Trail Blazers: The Suns now lead this series 3-2, with all three wins being blowouts. The latest was a 107-88 pounding in which Phoenix scored 20 points off 15 Portland turnovers, won the rebounding battle (41-29, including 15-9 on the offensive boards), had a 17-6 edge in fast break points and outscored the Frail Blazers 40-28 in the paint.
Of course, you expect Amar''''''e Stoudemire (19 points, 7-for-11) and Steve Nash (14 points, 9-for-9 from the line, 10 assists) to do damage. What you might not expect is a combined 39 points from Channing Frye and Jared Dudley. The dynamic duo shot 13-for-21 from the field and 8-for-14 from downtown. Thanks to their explosion, the Suns bench outscored the starters 55-52.
Crazy, huh?
Said Nash: "When they get going like that, we're a really good team. I think it's great for their confidence because we have a lot of confidence in them."
As for the Frail Blazers, well, they got caught trying to play Seven Seconds or Less basketball. It worked early on, as Portland started out 7-for-7 and built a 23-9 lead. But going away from you do best while playing to the other team's strength is a dangerous thing...as the Blazers found out.
Said LaMarcus Aldridge: "Even when we were winning, we were playing their game. We were taking quick shots. They were going in so we felt good about it. But it really wasn't our style of play and I think the law of averages caught up. We don't really play that style of play. We should have slowed it down and played more of a halfcourt game."
Brandon Roy: His Game 5 line: 19 minutes, 5 points, 4 fouls, 1 turnover, no assists, 2-for-7 shooting.
Roy blames coming off the bench: "It's hard to get involved. I don't think the guys are quite used to me coming off the bench. It's hard for me to kind of get my touches and get into a rhythm."
Yeah. I'm sure that's it.
Update! Joey Crawford: David Stern won't let me talk about the officiating, so this entry is free of comment, except for thanking the anonymous commenter who posted the link to this video.
Channing Frye, quote machine: "To be honest, if I go 0 for 10, I could care less. It's not going to happen twice. That's how I feel every time I go out there, that it's only going to take one shot for me to get hot."
Steve Nash, quote machine: "They were making everything so it made it feel like we were running uphill, but I just felt like we had to think of this thing as long-term and think of it as the stock market. We're not day traders, we want to be very conservative and long-term in our investment in transition. You've got to stick with it from the start to finish."
J.R. Smith: Yet another reason the Nuggets probably won't make it out of the first round. After all, their X-Factor is also an X-Factor for the other team. For instance:
According to The Denver Post, Nuggets guard J.R. Smith posted a message on his Twitter page Sunday night that read, "You play selfish you lose selfish that's all I'm saying about the game!"
When asked about Smith's tweet, Nuggets interim head coach Adrian Dantley appeared uncomfortable. "What do you want me to say? That he shouldn't have made that comment? I don't know. He shouldn't have made that comment."
Nuggets team leader Chauncey Billups has this to say, "It's frustrating to lose, and people can say what they want, but at any rate, when we win, we win together. ... I don't think we've been specifically selfish."
Smith didn't speak with the media Monday, but did respond to the controversy on his Twitter page and wrote, "yo i got the twitter goons on my back!"
Crazy Kobe fans: This video speaks for itself. And speaks. And speaks. And speaks. Thanks to the anonymous commenter who posted the link.
Lacktion report: chris came through with a surprising amount of lacktion for only three games. Good to see playoff lacktion going strong.
Magic-Bobcats: Closing out this lackluster playoff series with celebration, Ryan Anderson pulled 4.3 (4:19) trillion out of a hat.
For Charlotte, Derrick Brown and Stephen Graham each cued up Fred Savage and Jenny Lewis, with Famicom wizardry: Derrick drilling for just one second at the free throw lane for a SUPER MARIO and Graham crumbling at the sight of a goomba in 55 seconds for a regular Mario! Theo Ratliff's postseason expired with a 5:2 Voskuhl in 7:55 via two boards countered by two bricks and five fouls - three Voskuhls in the four-game series!
Hawks-Bucks: As Atlanta's road woes continue, their traveling lair of lacktion continued to produce - Zaza Pachulia negated a field goal and two boards in 18:54 with four fouls and a turnover for a 5:4 Voskuhl. THE Mario West now has enough money for Virtual Boy repairs with a 1.35 trillion (1:22) and Jeff Teague lived up to his teammate's reputation by tossing a Koopa shell in just 5 seconds for a Super Mario!!!!
Meanwhile, Charlie Bell rang up 50 seconds worth of playing time on the Wii for a Mario that also garnered a +2 suck differential via foul and brick from the Third Ward.
Frail Blazers-Suns: Juwan Howard's crutches needed readjustment, with one made field goal in 8:37 avoiding a fully lacktive evening, only to counter those points with five fouls and a giveaway for a 6:2 Voskuhl.
Earl Clark crunched into the ledger with a two-turnover +2 in 5:39.
LeBron came to Milwaukee to chew bubblegum and kick ass sit on the bench in street clothes
Put on your Snuggie -- it's time for BAD.
And actually, it's almost vacation week for me! I'm out of here after tomorrow night bowling in a tournament in Reno and will be back next week. No, I don't expect to do particularly well, but it'll be a fun vacation. I'm just not looking forward to waiting to see what kind of mood the TSA agent will be when I get to the airport. Hopefully they'll let me bring a couple of my bowling balls on as carry-on luggage to avoid checking them (which costs $50 and puts them at risk of being cracked or damaged). Southwest is fine with it. However, TSA doesn't specifically have any stance on bowling balls, so sometimes they allow it, and sometimes they don't, just depending on the particular TSA agent at the checkpoint. It's a crap shoot. I'm not even going to be in Reno before I have to start gambling!
As noted by AnacondaHL, "It's Monday 2pm EST, you know what that means: MORE NBA JAM VOTING. This week: Lakers, Does voting for Vince Carter mean 2001 Carter, and a hilariously bad list of Wizards"
Worst of the Night in Pictures:
I guess we finally have an explanation for why the Bobcats have owned the Lakers -- the power of Ric Flair. Woo
"C'mon! I've got $5000 on this game!!"
Drew Gooden skips right over the facepalm and goes right for the headpalm
Look, two reanimated corpses hanging out together! Can we go ahead and bury them together? Thanks.
"I love your eyes"
Woah! When did The Great One become The Scary Looking One?
Don Nelson reminisces about the two foot sandwich he ate earlier that day
Nothing says "intimidation" quite like a couple Utah Jazz fans
Rick Adelman uses his mind powers to control the refs
Nationally Televised Games: Spurs at Crabs: LeBron might sit out this game with a sore ankle. Well, I'm sure that will go well. It's not like he's the only source of offense on the Crabs, right?
*crickets*
All The Other Games: Hawks at Knicks: For whatever reason, the Bricks have managed to beat Atlanta four of their last five meetings. This somehow makes even less sense than the Bobcats owning the Lakers.
Warriors at Hornets: Both of these teams have lost four straight. However, the Warriors are the Warriors, and Don Nelson is Don Nelson, so I think we can declare the Hornets the favorites in this one.
Mavericks at Timberwolves: The Mavs are on an 11-game winning streak, but are playing their third game in four days with a depleted roster. When your winning streak is in doubt, the Timberpoops are here to save the day!
at Grizzlies: Uh oh. The Grizzlies haven't won at home in five weeks. The Nyets have won three consecutive road games. What the hell is going on here? Memphis, PLEASE restore some sense of normalcy! Keep the dream alive!
I don't know about you, but I am in mourning after the US Olympic hockey team squandered an opportunity for gold last night. Zach Parise's overtime-forcing goal with just seconds left in regulation even had my dad (who never watches hockey at all) jumping up and down. Netminder Ryan Miller was playing out of his freaking mind and the US team had tons of momentum. Then they came out in overtime and looked a little sluggish, had a defensive lapse, and Miller let Sidney Crosby score on a relatively soft, sloppy shot. Sonofabitch. Thankfully, since I'm a Penguins fan, I can go back to not hating Crosby starting tomorrow. Meanwhile, the NHL trade deadline looms. I'm still exhausted from covering the NBA's trade deadline. (Thank God I've got a vacation coming up in just a few short days. Hello, Reno!)
In basketball blogosphere news, JE Skeets is leaving Ball Don't Lie. Well, there's one less reason to visit Yahoo. (Sorry, forgot the awful exclaimation mark that makes every sentence featuring that website name feel awkward as a Chuck Hayes free throw. Let's try this again) Yahoo! (Okay, there we go. I feel dirty now.)
Speaking of Ball Don't Lie, here's a story they passed along: Michael Jordan might rename the Bobcats once he completes his purchase of the team. The suggestions by the Yahoo! commentariat are, for the most part, horrifically bad. Anyone here have any good team name suggestions?
This isn't really bawful, but I had to post it: The Nyets actually successfully executing the high screen!!
Yet another reason to hate the Lakers...
"Look! My best years are way behind us!"
Terrell Owens on Kobe's ice-cold shooting performance: "That's my shooting guard. *sniffle*"
"Ooh, look at the buns on that one..." "Yeah, he must work out."
Nationally Televised Games: Magic at 76ers: I went through every picture from Orlando's Sunday night game, and as surprising as this is, I was not able to find a single picture where icicicles were hanging off the Pumaman's hands. Weird.
All The Other Games: Bricks at Crabs: Enjoy this one, New York fans. It's the closest you'll get to having LeBron for a long, long while.
Mavericks at Bobcats: The Bobcats have never beaten the Mavericks. Ever. Think about that for a second. That's kind of impressive, actually. You know, in an "impressive as a trainwreck" kind of way.
Spurs at Hornets: Both teams are not performing as well as they'd hoped before the start of the season, and both are 5-5 in their last 10 games. I'm just going to pick the home team on this one and be done with it.
Hawks at Bulls: Every time I see the Bulls' win/loss record, I always have to do a double-take. It seems like it should be a lot worse with their erratic bipolar play, especially considering that early winter stretch of games that was uglier than Joakim Noah's face.
Frail Blazers at Grizzlies: It's been an entire month since the Grizzlies won at FedEx Forum. Doesn't that make FedEx a delightfully ironic sponsor? FedEx delivers, but the Grizzlies sure as hell don't.
Raptors at Rockets: When Chris Bosh is not in the game, I think we can safely resume calling them the Craptors. No hard feelings, Toronto fans. It's just the truth. As Chris noted, "Chris Bosh remains on the shelf, an opportunity for Discount Store to anonymously redeem a coupon good for thirty points."
Nuggets at Suns: Jason Richardson on his blown dunk that effectively destroyed the Suns' chances of victory on Sunday: "I don't like to miss dunks." Really? Insightful.
Jazz at Clippers: Articles referring to the Clippers as "surging" following this game? Zero.
at Grizzlies: Uh oh. The Grizzlies haven't won at home in five weeks. The Nyets have won three consecutive road games. What the hell is going on here? Memphis, PLEASE restore some sense of normalcy! Keep the dream alive!
I don't know about you, but I am in mourning after the US Olympic hockey team squandered an opportunity for gold last night. Zach Parise's overtime-forcing goal with just seconds left in regulation even had my dad (who never watches hockey at all) jumping up and down. Netminder Ryan Miller was playing out of his freaking mind and the US team had tons of momentum. Then they came out in overtime and looked a little sluggish, had a defensive lapse, and Miller let Sidney Crosby score on a relatively soft, sloppy shot. Sonofabitch. Thankfully, since I'm a Penguins fan, I can go back to not hating Crosby starting tomorrow. Meanwhile, the NHL trade deadline looms. I'm still exhausted from covering the NBA's trade deadline. (Thank God I've got a vacation coming up in just a few short days. Hello, Reno!)
