Who needs Tiger Woods? Golf now has Shaq!

Shaq can't sink a free throw, but he can sink a clutch putt. Who knew?
When not busy being (lamely) pranked at a Waffle House, Shaq has been doing the latest season of his Shaq Versus reality TV show. (You know, the show whose concept he stole from Steve Nash). His latest escapade on the show? Turning into basketball version of The Big Happy Gilmore. Well, minus the Bob Barker ass-whuppin', natch.

Having never before played golf, Shaq hit the links to take on none other than Charles Barkley, the man who has quite possibly the single worst golf swing in the history of the game. It only resembles a golf swing in the way that Greg Ostertag resembles a finely tuned athletic machine.

In something of a surprise, nobody was killed by an errant drive, and Shaq actually won. Shaq never wins these things! Okay, yes, Chuck is pretty much turrible at golf these days, but at least he's actually played before. Anyone who has ever swung a golf club knows how ridiculously difficult it is to hit that damnable little white ball with a stick and get it to go anywhere other than the woods or the lumberyard.

Then again, even considering that difficulty level, beating Sir Charles at golf is something like beating a ten year old at wiffle ball. (Unless of course the kid has been studying Tom Emanski's defensive drills. Gotta throw that caveat in there. You don't mess with a kid who can throw a ball in a trash can from center field off one bounce.) So I wouldn't exactly throw a DVD of that episode in the trophy case at the Shaq household. Gotta leave some room for that 2011 NBA championship ring, right? Right? Oh damn it, I can't even delude myself into thinking Shaq on the Celtics will work out...

Worst of the Playoff Night: May 12, 2010

LeBron really made his teammates better last night. Better benchwarmers, that is.
The Cleveland Cavaliers: I'll admit, I fully expected the final score of Game 5 of the Celts-Crabs series to be something like the actual 120-88 result...I just figured Cleveland would be the team to come out on top. I'd be willing to bet my collection of vintage Larry Bird body hair clippings that everybody not wearing green and white expected that. Cue the following pic from stephanie g:


This makes no sense. It was like the Cleveland players were the celebrity guest asses at an ass-kicking convention. I think Basketbawful reader Heretic said it best: "Dear god what a beat down. It was like the Cavs were Ned Beatty in Deliverance and the Celtics were the hillbilly screaming 'Squeal like a pig!'"

Over the past two regular seasons, the Crabs were -- in terms of wins and losses -- the best team in the NBA. During those same two seasons, King Crab was voted the best basketball player on the planet by people who are paid to be experts in these matters. In fact, LeBron's statistical dominance over his two MVP campaigns has been so great that number crunchers like John Hollinger have proclaimed him as Michael Jordan's equal...while still others have stated firmly that James will be considered better than MJ when everything is said and done.

To which I say: Really?

And can we stop blaming a lack of non-LeBron talent? After all, James is flanked by three All-Stars or former All-Stars (Antawn Jamison, Mo Williams and Shaq) as well as a handful of reasonably well-regarded players. And The Big Creaky (21 points, 7-for-11 from the field, 7-for-10 from the line, 4 blocked shots) was Cleveland's best player last night.

Oh, and did I mention that Cleveland coach Mike Brown has as many Coach of the Year awards as Phil Jackson? Heh, sorry. I needed the laugh.

So...what in the name of Spiderman's balls happened last night? I mean, some serious history was made: the Craboliers' 32-point loss wasn't just the franchises worst-ever playoff defeat...it was the largest margin of defeat ever in a Game 5 with the series tied in a seven-game series. And it could have been worse...the Celtics missed 10 free throws!

But wait, there's more from the Elias Sports Bureau:

The Cavaliers, who were 61-21 (.744) during the regular season, became the first NBA team with a regular-season winning percentage of .700 or better to lose a home playoff game by at least 30 points.

The Celtics massacred the Cavaliers by 32 points in Cleveland in Game 5 just two games after the Cavs beat the Celtics by 29 in Boston.

It's the first time in NBA history that each team won a road game by at least 29 points in the same playoff series.

Cleveland failed on almost every front. The Celtics shot 55 percent from the field and 53 percent from downtown while the Crabs were converting on only 41 percent of their field goal attempts. The home team gave up 24 points off 17 turnovers -- some of which were totally unforced -- and got outscored 44-30 in the paint. The Crabs were also outrebounded by 41-31 and couldn't even accumulate more fast break points than their aging opponents.

And even though they don't keep stats on hustle and desire, I'm here to tell you that Boston outperformed Cleveland in those areas too. By a lot. About the only thing that went right for the Crabs is that they didn't suffer a mass outbreak of crotch fungus. As far as I know.

Admittedly, it was a throwback night for Boston's Menage A Trois. Ray Allen was an all-you-can-eat deal at the Sizzler (25 points, 8-for-13, 6-for-9 from downtown), Paul Pierce returned from the playoff grave and almost finished with a triple double (21 points, 11 rebounds, 7 assists) and Kevin Garnett added 18 points on 8-for-14 shooting. When all three of those guys have it going, the Celtics are still pretty tough to beat.

Of course, the Alpha and Omega of Cleveland's woes centered around...

LeBron James: The line: 15 points, 3-for-14 from the field, 0-for-4 from beyond the arc, 6 rebounds, 7 assists, 3 turnovers, and a complete inability to take control of the game. This from the best basketball player in our plane of reality?

I believe Charles Barkley has something to say on the matter:


Reality check: When a straight shooter like Sir Charles compared you unfavorably to noted playoff chokers like Karl Malone and Patrick Ewing, you, sir, have just suffered an in-the-bed bowel release of glorious and epic proportions.

Can we just admit that this was the biggest game of LeBron's life to date? According to experts, fans and statistics, the gap between King Crab and everybody else has never been wider. His team has never been as talented as it is right now. There is absolutely no excuse for what's happening. The Crabs have been given the pimp hand and then some in their last two home games...despite being the best team in the league with the best player in the known universe.

Just for the hell of it, here's a detailed breakdown of LeBron's fail fest:


Not too long ago, I went on a mild but heartfelt rant abusing everybody who was rushing (yet again) to compare LeBron to MJ. My argument -- and, if you know me at all, this isn't a new one -- is that the numbers don't and cannot tell the whole story. There are aspects of the game that simply cannot be quantified. Determination, killer instinct, the near sociopathic desire to obliterate anyone standing in your way. In those areas, Michael Jordan had no peers. LeBron, for all his amazing talent and sheer physical ability, isn't there. Isn't even close, really.

He has his moments. Game 3 of this series was one of them. LeBron had a true "Kneel before Zod!" moment and destroyed the Celtics almost by himself. But that was one game. Win or lose, Jordan used to do that almost every game. MJ was terrifying. LeBron can be terrifying. There's a difference.

This made me wonder: When was the last time an MVP made a mess in his pants quite like this? Back in 2007, Dirk Nowtizki scored 14 points on 4-for-16 shooting in Game 1 of the infamous Warriors-Mavericks series. Dallas lost that one 97-85. When the Mavs were eliminated in Game 6, Dirk managed only 8 points on 2-for-13 shooting as the Warriors won 111-86.

But you know, Nowitzki was never regarded the way LeBron is. Nobody has ever seriously said out loud: "Dirk just might be the best basketball player of all time." So it's a little different. I mean...King Crab's didn't even hit his first shot until the 6:15 mark of the third quarter! How is that even possible? Was it Boston's defense?

Said James: "Of course their defense had a lot to do with it, they were aggressive, but I missed a lot of shots I usually make. You don't see this out of me a lot, so when it happens it's a surprise. But they didn't guard me any differently."

So...the Celts' defense had a lot to do with it, but it didn't.

More LeBron: "I spoil a lot of people with my play. When you have a bad game here or there, you've had three bad games in a seven-year career, then it's easy to point that out."

Wow. On a Douche Scale of 1 to 10, that quote ranks "Captain Douche 'Bags' McDouchebag of the Star Ship Douchebag." Approximately.

Still more crabby patties: "I put a lot of pressure on myself to be out there and be the best player on the court, and when I'm not I feel bad for myself because I'm not going out there and doing the things I can do. But I don't hang my head low or make any excuses about anything that may be going on, because that's not the type of player or person I am."

What can you say? Here's what Chris Dempsey of The Denver Post said (via TrueHoop):

Puppets aside, let’s have a discussion about legacy. LeBron James's legacy.

It's taking a hit.

So we’re only seven years into his career, a relatively small sample size. But Tuesday’s flameout in Game 5 of the Eastern Conference semifinals – the franchise's worst home playoff loss in history -- should raise some red flags and force some tough questions. And this is the biggest one: Is he cut out for this yet?

Is James cut out to win when the stakes are at their highest? When will he be ready to truly assume his place among the game’s best, the kind of recognition that only championships can provide? I'm beginning to wonder. Winning in the playoffs is hard. But the great ones do it, and do it repeatedly against top-notch competition.

If James's Cleveland Cavaliers can't get past the aging Celtics, and they are hanging by a thread down 3-2 going into Thursday's Game 6 in Boston, this is what his last two seasons will look like: Two league MVP awards. Two years leading his team to the best record in the NBA. Zero trips to the NBA Finals. That doesn't compute.

No. It really doesn't. And the crowed booed. It actually booed. Whether the fans were booing the team in general or LeBron in particular isn't 100 percent clear, but it was still a surprising display by a nervous bunch that has been terrified about LeBron's impending free agency since last season.

This is what Cavs games will look like nextseason if LeBron bolts this summer.
Do the people of Cleveland deserve this? Why does God hate Cleveland so much? Why?!

The Knicks' LeBron Guy: I got this from Ball Don't Lie:

Two summers ago, [the Knicks] hired a guy whose whole job is basically to [get LeBron to New York]. His name is John Gabriel, and he invented the pull-out-all-the-stops, research-intensive approach to free-agent schmoozing when he was general manager in Orlando. Technically, his title is director of pro scouting and free agency, but it really should be "guy in charge of showering love on LeBron James."

Gabriel keeps detailed files on your likes, dislikes and habits. He's even been rehearsing for you. Remember last summer, when the Knicks were pursuing free agents Jason Kidd and Grant Hill? Those overtures, a Knicks insider told us, were just a recital for the performance you will get. The team never realistically considered signing either of them. When the Knicks dimmed the lights and announced Hill's name on the PA as he came out of the tunnel onto the court during his visit, they were really thinking of you. Gabriel is so good, the plan almost worked too well. Hill's agent told us that Hill gave the offer "very, very serious consideration."

Ah, the sweet smell of utter, helpless desperation. You know, I have a friend who once literally removed his underwear in the bathroom of a strip club and put them in the back seat of his friend's car so he could increase the potential for a "happy ending" during a lap dance...and even he's shaking his head at the Knicks right now.

Chicken feet: Mmm...just like mom used to make! God, I had a horrifying childhood.


Lacktion report: Today, chris provided an itty, bitty lacktivity update: Michael Finley made 1.1 trillion (1:05) for Doc Rivers, while JJ Hickson pinched out a pair of fouls in exactly 4 minutes for a +2 suck differential.

Worst of the Night: March 25, 2010

Is...is that a Joe Alexander sighting?! Holy Spider-Man's balls!Something must have gone horribly, horribly wrong in Chicago.
The Chicago Bulls: Going into last night's home game against the Miami Heat, the stakes were high for the Bullies. They were fighting for a playoff spot, for pride (since the Heat punked them and incited Kirk Hinrich into an ejection and suspension a couple weeks ago), and -- most importantly -- for the future.

After all, Chicago management has put all their eggs in the basket that is this summer's free agent market. That's why they traded John Salmons and the right to switch picks in the 2010 NBA Draft to the Milwaukee Bucks for what will amount to about $6 million in extra cap space. That way, they can dangle a max contract as a lure in an attempt to bring Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, Amar''''''e Stoudemire, Carlos Boozer or Joe Johnson to the Windy City. And since several other teams, including their own, will be able to offer those guys similar money, the Bulls needed to prove they're just one player away from becoming a contender.

In other words, they had every reason to play balls out.

Instead, their balls just kinda dropped off and Chicago fans were forced to sit through -- probably with a steaming mouthful of their own vomit -- what was probably the Bulls' worst loss of the season. Yes, worse than their home defeat to the eight-win New Jersey Nyets. Yes, worse even than the time they collapsed after building a 35-point lead against the Excremento Kings. See, after those ugly losses, at least there was plenty of time to steer the ship clear of any icebergs. But now, well, the ship be sinkin'. How far can it sink? Sky's the limit.

Because I like tormenting myself, here are some numbers. The Bulls shot just 32 percent (including 28 percent in the first half) while the Heat hit nearly 52 percent of their field goals (including over 60 percent during the first 24 minutes). Chicago had just three fast break points and got outscored 52-28 in the paint. Miami got to the rim at will, scoring 18 layups and 4 dunks. The Heat led 63-33 at halftime and 86-49 after three quarters, and their biggest lead was 39. The Bulls lost 103-74 in what was their lowest scoring game of the season. The 29-point margin was Miami’s second-largest victory of the season and Chicago's second-worst.

And, of course, Derrick Rose went out of his way to prove he might actually be overrated by going 5-for-16 and finishing with a game-worst plus-minus score of -33.

As bad as they are, those numbers can't quite get across how listless the Bulls were last night. This game was over after the first quarter...it was like the Chicago players weren't even trying. I've seen homeless people who put more effort into their personal hygiene than the Bulls put into that game. I've seen people try harder to be nice to telemarketers. I've personally tried harder to be cool about Kobe Bryant, who's, like, the world's biggest asshole and I won't be happy until he dies of natural causes during a karate attack. See where I'm going with this? The Bulls got bitchslapped...and their coach knows it.

Said Vinny Del Negro: "No good answer for anything. They just attacked us with O'Neal and Beasley. ... We did not have enough fight in us tonight. We beat each other up more in practice than we did the opponent tonight. That is the frustrating part — their effort was better, their energy was better and that is why they beat us up."

Added Taj Gibson: "They really punched us in the mouth tonight."

Even the Heat couldn't believe how readily Chicago bent over to take it. Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal -- who blistered the Bulls with 24 points on 9-for-14 shooting -- said: "We were a little shocked. We talked about it a little bit on the bench. Especially all the conversation that was kind of here in the papers and stuff like that, their struggles and the importance of the game for them, also. ... We were prepared for a fight."

Too bad the Bulls weren't.

Chicago has now lost 11 of their last 13 games -- including a 10-game losing streak -- and are 2 1/2 games behind the eighth place Toronto Craptors. And The Math gives them about a 20 percent chance to make the playoffs.

Uh, maybe we should just keep them in the studio from now on, mmmkay?
Chuck, Kenny and Ernie: I love these guys, but let's be honest: they sucked as announcers last night. Sir Charles was mumbling and providing brilliant analysis like "Three on one break, they need to finish this" and "You can't score 19 points in the first quarter and expect to win." Kenny didn't have much of anything to say (although, after Chuck's "19 points in the first quarter" comment, he did add that "They're on pace for a 38-point half."). And Ernie was giving the most uninspired play-by-play I've heard since...uh...since I provided commentary for a girl's softball game back in college. It was bad. Honestly, they were saved by the fact that the Heat obliterated the Bulls, because then they could ignore the game and crack jokes. That was the only thing that saved them from complete embarrassment.

Can we just agree that Charles, Kenny and Ernie are great studio guys that should leave play-by-play and color commentary to, you know, pretty much anybody else? Well, except Bill Russell and Rick Barry.

The Dallas Mavericks: Most horror movies have what's known as "The Final Girl." The Final Girl is usually the second hottest chick in the movie (next to the slut / bitch, who typically dies a violent and rather satisfying death) and often a token virgin who manages to survive to the end and destroy the killer / monster / alien / whatever. In many cases, The Final Girl will develop a love interest during the course of the movie, and that dude's function appears to be to give the audience a false sense of security. After all, The Final Girl just seems safer when she has somebody watching her back, you know? I mean, there's always the off chance that guy might be able to beat back the bad guy, right? Only that never happens, and the dude usually suffers some horrible mutilation and/or dismemberment right before the final act.

Well, I've come to the conclusion that the Mavericks are that guy in the horror movie that is the upcoming Western Conference playoffs. The Lakers, of course, are Jason Voorhees. Many fans and experts have fooled themselves into thinking Dallas can maybe behead the Lakers, or trap them in a cave, or knock them into a wood chipper. Or something. But it ain't gonna happen, okay? The Mavs don't have what it takes. They don't. I don't care how many Caron Butlers or Brendan "I just work here" Haywoods they add. They are going to die horribly before the final act.

That 13-game winning streak was kind of an unlucky number for the Mavericks, who have dropped four of six games since then...with the two victories being needlessly close wins against the Bulls (see above) and Clippers (see below). Meanwhile, the Frail Blazers -- who have won five straight at home and six of their last seen games overall -- are moving up in the Western standings. And you could hardly blame them for hoping to draw Dallas in round one. After all, they're 3-0 against the Mavs this season, which gives them their first season series win over Mark Cuban's team since the 1998-99 season.

By the way, The Final Girl? She usually bites it when the killer returns for the sequel. So, in this scenario, The Final Girl is probably the Denver Nuggets.

Jason Kidd, quote machine: "They've beat us three times so for us it's about getting better. We understand that this is how teams will play us, so it's good that it happened now and not in 'the next season," he said, referring to the playoffs. So the Mavs finally understand how teams will play them...by trying to win. I'm glad Dallas finally figured that out only 72 games into the season.

The Houston Rockets: The Money Ballers have been getting pretty roughed up lately, and last night's 99-93 home loss to the Clippers proved once again that a plucky spirit combined with a can-do attitude isn't always an adequate substitute for star power.

Since no loss is complete without excuses, I should note the Rockets were missing Shane Battier (head shaving incident or something) and Kevin Martin (vaginal bleeding or whatever), so the Houston faithful can rightfully (but pathetically) log this defeat in the "Undermanned" column.

Trevor Ariza -- who led Team Pluck with 18 points, 8 boards and a career-high-tying 8 dimes -- said: "That's the hardest part about this game. We work ... all season with those guys and they go down. It takes a lot out of you. We know that coming into a game we just got to figure out ways to keep it going."

Uhm, wasn't Martin acquired at the trade deadline? If Ariza has been working with K-Mart all year, then Trevor must have a Hot Tub Time Machine and needs to share. I want to go back to St. Patrick's Day and not eat a certain corned beef sandwich that might or might not have passed back out of my system with the force of a thousand exploding suns.

Anyway, let's get back to sad-sacking the Rockets for losing to the Clippers -- the Clippers -- who hadn't won on the road since February 2. That was a stretch of 11 straight losses away from home. The skid had lasted so long that Drew Gooden, who got traded to The Other L.A. Team over a month ago, got his first road win as a Clipper last night.

I should probably also point out that Houston missed 10 foul shots and lost by six. BONK.

Baron Davis, going forward machine: "Much needed. Much needed. It was great. Hopefully it gives us a lot of confidence for the next game going forward. It was definitely a stepping stone, a learning period and I was just proud of my teammates. We didn't really turn the ball over and we got good shots." Okay, the Clippers are 27-45. What could this win possibly be a stepping stone to? Another stair on the way to Basketball Hell? Oh, wait. I just checked The Other L.A. Team's schedule. Their next game is against the Golden State Warriors. Win number 28, here the Clippers come!

Houston's "Big Three": The Rockets were led by Ariza, Aaron Brooks (18 points, 9 assists) and Luis Scola (16 points, 14 assists). But they weren't scoring in an, ahem, efficient manner. Those three dudes combined to shoot 20-for-56. I guess you could call that scoring by the Law of Averages.

Rasual Butler: Hey Rasual...you don't get off the hook just because your team won. The line: 2-for-10, including 1-for-7 from downtown.

Update! Almost forgot...on Wednesday night, the Nyets ran a promotion in which fans were allowed to turn in the paper bags they otherwise might have worn on their heads for free Nyets merchandise: a poster, a pack of player trading cards and a printed note from Yormark that said: "Thanks for letting us see your face. We hope to see it more often at Nets' games." Brilliant. Because fans wearing bags on their head want more reminders of one of the worst teams of all time. According to the story, "two people accepted the exchange offer by halftime." Thanks to Basketbawful reader Ash B for the reminder.

Update! LeBron James, ego machine: Said King Crab: "I if really wanted to win the scoring title I could win it every single year. Every single year, I could really do it. But it doesn't matter to me." Thanks to Basketbawful reader K for the link.

Derrek Lee: Okay, this isn't basketball related, but I had to included it because I live in Chicago and because this is so, so very Chicago Cubs. Lee -- who is prone to injury -- hurt himself while eating. Nope. Not making it up.

Think I'm joking about this being "so, so Chicago Cubs"? Then check it:

The sad part is that if Lee comes back on Friday, this won't rank very highly on the list of recent Cubs' freak injuries. Those candidates would include Sammy Sosa sneezing his way out of the lineup, Carlos Zambrano emailing his elbow out, Kerry Wood slipping near a hot tub, Alfonso Soriano hopping his way to an MRI and Ryan Dempster breaking his toe while jumping out of the dugout to celebrate.

Lacktion report: At a glance, I can tell chris put more effort into this lacktion report than the Bulls did doing anything last night. Unless they were trying to suck, in which case their effort was off the charts. Anyway...

Heat-Bulls: Jamaal Magloire rebounded twice in 4:15, only to brick twice and capture a giveaway and three fouls for a 4:2 Voskuhl. For the heifers, former nightmare ant Joe Alexander bricked once in that same timespan for a +1 suck differential.

Mavs-Frail Blazers: Eduardo Najera can now invest in a stock market bubble alongside team owner Mark Cuban, as he collected a fortune of 5.35 trillion (5:21) in a losing effort! Also lacking it up for Dallas were DeShawn Stevenson (+1 in 1:01 via brick from Pioneer Courthouse Square) and Rodrigue Beaubois, the latter switching on his Game Boy for a 48-second Mario!

Portland's Dante Cunningham missed once in 2:59 for a +1.

Just received word in Bawful comments that...

THE BUCKS ARE TRYING TO EXTEND THE VIABILITY OF THE JOHN SALMONS ERA BY...

SIGNING DARNELL "LACKTION" JACKSON.

YES.

Bawful After Dark: February 26, 2010

Ahhh!! Okay, who let Chuck use the hot tub time machine???
Special thanks to Chris for taking care of the Friday game previews for me again. (I've added my own commentary on a couple of them, but it still saved me a lot of work.)

Want to start your weekend off right? Read this ridiculous article. An Orlando columnist tries to convince us that the Pumaman is having an MVP season. You know, despite the fact that the Magic are prone to underperforming, he's never put the team on his back and carried them, he can't consistently score in the post, and his blocks aren't really that effective at measuring his overall contribution to the game. Look, it may sound like I'm a Dwight Howard hater. I'm not. I like the guy. I just feel disappointed by him. He's got the potential to be so much better, but doesn't seem to have the right mentality for it.

In other news, the Pistons have banned Nike Hyperize sneakers. I'm sure this will turn that team right around.

Also, here's a quality article from Bomani Jones explaining why we need Hasheem Thabeet to stay in the NBA: he's got the potential to be posterized more than Ostertag!

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Is Carmelo coming on to me, or plotting my murder? I honestly can't tell. Either way, I'm scared.

Kendrick Perkins: Ball-humping Machine

Stephen Curry shows us an example of Don Nelson's patented _efense

I feel sorry for this kid. I really do.
(Thanks again to Chris for covering the Friday games)
Nationally Televised Friday Games:
Mavericks at Hawks: If the Mavs win again, will Dirk be asked by the post-game crew once more to profess his adoration of Jay-Z and Beyonce!?

Magic at Hornets: So the Hornets have won 3 of 4 against the alchemists...but they're lacking CP3, so pretty much this one comes down to whether Pumaman can dominate in the paint and whether Orlando's unconscionable shots beyond the arc will swish in.

All The Other Friday Games:
Knicks at Wizards Generals Bullets: Hey everybody, the highly unanticipated rematch of the 1971 NBA Leastern Conference Finals!! Just like old times! Well, except that the Bullets no longer play in Maryland, and, um...yeah. (And this sounds like the Basketbawful Game Of The Night by default.)

Crabs at Raptors: After pinching the Celtics so hard that KG was forced to press the *word that KG utters on national television*-ing LifeAlert button for emergency oxygen, they will be facing the Dinos, who may be without Chris "Future Teammate Of King Crab" Bosh tonight. Considering that Toronto has lost 14 of their last 17 against the crustaceans, tonight could be a tough shell to crack...
[Dan B.:Cleveland, you sent down Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson. You are dead to me.]
[Chris: LATE BREAKING UPDATE FROM AN ANONYMOUS COMMENTER:

Good news. The Cleveland Plain-Dealer is reporting that Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson has been recalled by the Cavs. Lacktion for everybody!

So that means that Darnell needs less seasoning in the D than Hasheem!!!!]

Frail Blazers at Bulls: At this point, it won't be surprising if the postgame headline starts off with "Portland Big Man Visits Doctor."

Timberwolves at Thunder: Oklahoma City's most recent win was against the Timberpoops, but they barely squeaked by in that match by a field goal. Will they get clotheslined in this potential trap game?

Bobcats at Grizzlies: Hey, remember when Z-Bo was being called "MVP candidate?" I won't say that he has earned his way back into the Bawful Banner, but...maybe Hasheem Thabeet deserves memorialization.

Spurs at Rockets: Looks like Discount Store has led the Rockets straight into a clearance sale, with the Spurs likely more than happy to continue to pick up half-price victories against Clutch the Bear's overworked sales associates.

Pistons at Nuggets: Mr. Big Shot gets to wave hello to a facepalming Joe Dumars again. What's not to like about that mental imagery?

Clippers at Suns: Anyone recall when this was a playoff matchup in the not-too-distant past?
[Dan B.: I'm tempted to go re-read Seven Seconds or Less now...]

Jazz at Kings: The Purple Paupers don't exactly have a home-barn advantage, and are about as deep in talent as a child's sippy cup, so all that's left to ponder is whether this will be a "loss that isn't as bad as others" or "the precursor to another funny animated Hawes-and-Pauly W video."

76ers at Lakers: The last time this was truly a matchup worth watching, one of the Sixers was busy getting having Electronic Arts pair him with Larry Legend for virtual one-on-one...


* * *

Nationally Televised Saturday Games:
Rockets at Jazz: I almost got excited about this game, but then I remembered that the Rockets are a shadow of their former selves. So, when's Yao going to be healthy again? (Yeah, that was a trick question. Just making sure you're paying attention.)

All The Other Saturday Games:
at Celtics: While the Nyets are a season-long tragicomedy, the Celtics have given me zero reason to be confident about this game. I'm just going to check the box score for this one the next day.

Bucks at Heat: So, anyone else curious to see if Brandon Jennings manages to continue his downhill shooting performance and averages under 30% from the field sometime this season for an entire month?

Bulls at Pacers: Wow, this is a bad game.

Grizzlies at Knicks: ...and so is this one.

Frail Blazers at Timberwolves: What the hell? This is an awful game too.

Pistons at Warriors: David Stern, you are a sick man for allowing so many horrendous games in one day. (Okay, let me clarify. Two, three, or even four of these games could be close, but that doesn't make them good.)

Anyway, four-way tie for Basketbawful Game of the Night. I'm pretty certain that's our new record! Woohoo!


* * *

Nationally Televised Sunday Games:
Suns at Spurs: The Spurs are old, and the Suns don't play defense. This game balances out pretty well. Good times. (Too bad I'll be busy watching the US Open because I'm one of the twenty eight diehard bowling fans left.)

Nuggets at Lakers: After previewing all of those awful games just above this, I had to do a double-take when I saw a matchup between two high quality teams. Bizarro NBA, anyone?

Heat at Magic: I am nervously shaking my leg right now. I simply cannot wait for Monday morning to see the latest batch of hilarious Stan Van Gundy pictures! (Oh yeah, and there's a basketball game going on too. That's kind of interesting.)

Hornets at Mavericks: Yes, the Mavs have been red hot lately. However, what will happen now that Caron Butler can't chew straws on the sideline?!?!

All The Other Sunday Games:
Bucks at Hawks: Still can't figure out this Hawks team. Beat the Jazz on the road, but get held to 80 points by the Suns' defense? That's just unfathomable.

Wizards Generals Bullets at : Could we see a repeat of the last game between these two? Botched inbounds passes, turnovers, bricked shots, and an exciting game-winner by a comparative midget?

Raptors at Thunder: The prospect of Kevin Durant playing against the Raptors' _efense always makes me giddy.

Clippers at Kings: It's the battle of (2/3rds of the) sucky California teams!