Worst of the Night Returns!

Yep. Worst of the Night is definitely back.
The Miami Heat: Let me start off by saying it's way, way too early to start making any kind of definitive statements about, well, pretty much anything. I mean, Mike Miller is out and Dwyane Wade played, what, three minutes during the preseason?

Still, nobody expected this pile of oozing open sores and flaming poo. The Super Friends of South Beach (a.k.a. The Nazgul) opened this exciting new era of team stacking by scoring -- waaaaiiiit for it -- nine points in the first quarter.

Seriously? Seriously.

It seems impossible, but it's true. Despite Pat Riley colluding, er, I mean, convincing three of the league's best players to form that weird three-robot Voltron in Miami, the Heat shambled zombie-like out of the gate, shooting 11-for-41 (26.8 percent) in the first half and falling behind 41-22 with just over two minutes left in the second quarter before "closing" to within 45-30 at halftime.

Of course, last season's Celtics tended to take a little nappy nap after building huge leads, and it happened again last night. The Heat pulled to within three points late, but Boston closed them out, giving NBA fans outside of Miami a giant, throbbing erection. For the game, the Heat shot 36 percent from the field, gave up 17 points off 17 turnovers, and got outscored 38-24 in the paint.

This is the kind of shit that killed Red Auerbach. Just sayin'.
Advanced stat of the game: Miami's Offensive Rating was 90.4, which means they scored at a rate of about 90 points per 100 possessions. With three of the best players in the world. Again, I am just sayin'.

The Nazgul: Let's see. LeBron was the best of the three Ringwraiths, scoring a game-best 31 points (10-for-21 from the field, 8-for-12 from the line). However, it was like some kind of bizarre Cleveland flashback, with King Crab totally dominating the rock. (Yes, forensic investigation revealed only one set of prints on the ball.) Only instead of a triple-double, 'Bron finished with more turnovers (8) than assists and rebounds combined (7).

As for Wade -- remember everybody, this is still his team -- he went 4-for-16 from the field and finished with 13 points, matching assists (6) and rebounds (4) with turnovers (6) and fouls (4).

Last and most certainly least, the RuPaul of Big Men struggled his way to 8 points (3-for-11) and 8 boards. Oh, and according to the AP Game Notes, "Bosh is 2-12 in Boston, the most losses he's had as a visitor against any team." There are no coincidences.

Kevin Garnett: Rough final stretch for KG. While the Heat were coming back in the final minutes, Garnett was fading slowly and sadly away. He bricked a four-footer with 3:41 left. He fouled Udonis Haslem with 3:30 left (Haslem hit both freebies). He lost the rock to D-Wade with 3:11 left. He missed a 16-footer with 2:33 left. He clanged two crucial foul shots with 1:37 left. Then he committed an offensive foul (moving pick) with 1:15 left.

If the Heat had pulled this game out, they would probably would have sent KG a thank you card and a nice fruit basket.

LeBron James, excuse-making machine: "It's a feel-out process. When you have so many options, it's something I'm not accustomed to, having that many threats out on the court at the same time."

Fun fact: According to ESPN Stats and Information: "LeBron James had 31 points and 8 rebounds. Last season, James was 1 of 4 players who had at least 30 points and at least 8 turnovers in a game. The others were Kevin Durant, Monta Eliis and Kobe Bryant. Tuesday was the 7th time in his career in which he's scored at least 30 points but had at least 8 turnovers. That's tied with Allen Iverson for the most such games since LeBron's rookie season."

Huh. Kinda looks like a target doesn't it?
Dwyane Wade, rationalization machine: "This is one of 82. Sorry if everyone thought we were going to go 82-0. It just ain't happening."

Nope. It ain't.

Update! LeBron's new commercial: From Basketbawful reader Austen: "I'd throw in a Worst of the Night for Lebron's new Nike shoe commercial, where he spends what felt like at least 5 minutes whining and moaning about the public reaction to 'The Decision.' Seriously, get over yourself, and shame on you, Nike, for encouraging him."

In case by some oddity you've missed it, here's the commercial:


It's actually a pretty slick commercial, what with the clever dig at Charles Barkley via Chuck's famous "I Am Not A Role Model" commercial (also by Nike) and a great cameo by Don Johnson as Sonny Crocket. But as Austen pointed out, it's basically LeBron and Nike begging you to a) love LeBron for doing what's right for him and b) buy his new shoes.

Memo to LeBron: You had every right to do right by yourself. You chose living in Miami, playing with your friends and what seemed like the best and easiest path to a championship over busting your ass in Cleveland year after year. This is America. There are brave men and women who will fight to the death to protect your constitutional right to be as big an asshat as you want to be.

But we, as fans, also have the right to mock and ridicule you for it. Right? What should we do, LeBron? WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

Man love: This heat has nothing to do with the Miami Heat...

Ssssssss...feel the sizzle!
The Phoenix Suns: Last night, the Seven Seconds or Less Era gave way to the Small Forwards of Doom Era. Notice how one of those sounds wicked-cool and the other sounds like a tragic mistake in basketball logic?

Well, yeah.

Actually, the Suns were playing pretty well and led 81-75 after three quarters. Then they got outscored 31-11 in the fourth.

Said Steve Nash: "We ran out of gas a little offensively."

Yeah, you could say that. You could also say the Suns were careless and sloppy with the ball, giving up 21 points off 19 turnovers. Without Amar''''''e, they still managed to score 44 points in the paint, but there was no run and very little gun, as Phoenix managed a mere 6 fast break points.

Advanced stat of the game: The Blazers didn't shoot all that well (46 percent as a team), but they cleaned up on the offensive glass, grabbing 18 offensive boards for a mind-boggling Offensive Rebound Rate of 43.9 (compared to 18.9 for the Suns). No defensive rebounding...it's like Amar''''''e never left!

Steve Nash: Nash giveth...and Nash also giveth away. Captain Canada kept the Suns kinda-sorta in the mix by scoring a game-high 26 points on 10-for-19 shooting to go along with 4 rebounds (almost matching Robin Lopez's 5 boards) and a team-high 6 dimes. Unfortunately, he bobbled the ball away 9 times. It's like he was impersonating Brett Favre or something.

Aim for their hands, Steve. Their hands.

Hedo Turkoglu: I have one word for you: Turkododo. That is all.

Memo to Turk: That's not how basketball is played.
The Houston Rockets: In my Southwest Division preview post, I said something about the Rockets being, what was it, slow as paste? Then they go out and score 17 fast break points against the Lakers in their season opener.

Man, am I good or what?

Anyway, people may want to talk about Mamba's 27 points and 7 assists, but let the record show that the defending chumps were outscored by eight points when Kobe was in the game. No, the Lakers -- who trailed by as many as 15 points and were down by 11 in the third -- had their asses saved by Shannon Brown (who went berzerk from three and scored 14 of his 16 points in a 6.5-minute stretch during the fourth) and Steve Blake (who drilled the go-ahead trey with 18.8 seconds left).

Shades of John Paxson! Or...something.

Meanwhile, the Rockets -- who were outscored 61-48 in the second half -- looked like the Keystone Cops on their final (and potentially game-tying) possession. Luis Scola missed a crappy-looking pooper-scooper with three seconds to go, and then (after a video review awarded possession back to Houston) Aaron Brook got a layup attempt spoon-fed back to him by Lamar Odom.

The only thing missing was a little Benny Hill music.

Said Brooks: "When I caught the ball, I didn't know exactly where I was on the floor. Then I took a dribble and realized where I was, and I tried to drive, but my leg kind of slipped."

Advanced stat of the game: L.A.'s Turnover Percentage was only 10.0, compared to 16.2 for Houston. Specifically, the Lakers gave up only 10 points off 12 turnovers, while the Rockets surrendered 20 points off 21 turnovers. Kind of a big deal in a 2-point loss.

Bonus Fun fact: From ESPN Stats and Information: "The Lakers came back from an 11-point halftime deficit, outscoring the Rockets 61-48 in the second half. It's their third straight season-opening win and their eighth win in their past nine games versus Houston. The Lakers are now 41-22 in season openers, good for an all-time best .651 win percentage."

Wow! The Lakers are just so good on opening night! Just for kicks and giggles, I decided to do a little research. Going back to the 1995-96 season, the Lakers have played 13 of the last 16 season openers at home. As always, I'm just sayin'.

Update! The Lakers' ring ceremony: From AnacondaHL: "Also, there should be a quickie WotN mention to that Lakers ring ceremony, which was so completely awkward for everyone involved. Okay, Fisher's intro of Kobe was pretty funny. And it did show us that there is a massage therapist and an equipment manager with more rings than LeBron."


Okay, I have to know: How much did Kobe pay for the blowjob Fisher gave him during that ceremony. Mein Gott, that was a GFE if I've ever seen one.

Rick Adelman, quote machine: "They're the world champs, and we knew it was going to be tough. But I thought we responded pretty well. I think [for] about seven minutes, we just didn't play the way we're capable of, and they got back in the game."

For the record, seven minutes is about 15 percent of an NBA game. That's a decent chunk of time to not play the way you're capable of. Just sayin'.

Justin Bieber: If there is any justice in this universe, this guy's obituary will one day read: "Died of natural causes during face punches." And that day will be soon.

Pictured: Douchebag.
Lacktion report: Chris and his lacktion reports are back too!

Heat-Celtics: Zydrunas Ilgauskas began a new chapter of riding King Crab's claws by negating a field goal and three boards in 10:39 with two giveaways and four fouls for a 6:4 Voskuhl!

Suns-Frail Blazers: The fabulous Fabricio Oberto forced a rebound in 3:03, but found enough time to finagle a pair of fouls and a turnover for a 3:1 Voskuhl.

Rockets-Lakers: Chuck Hayes countered an assist and block in 14:49 with three fouls for a 3:0 Voskuhl, while our first true lacktion artist of the season is the Lakers' young Derrick Caracter, who provided a caricature of a professional basketballer with a foul and brick in 2:14 for a +2 suck differential that also doubled as a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl!

Bawful After Dark: Opening Night!

Why post this picture of the Rockets from 1986? Why not!(via Andy Gray's SI Vault)
Finally! Opening Night is upon us! Savor this feeling and enjoy every minute of it since it's looking awfully likely that we'll see a lockout next year. Damnit. Hmmph... Guess I'll just have to watch football instead next year -- oh, wait...

The start of a new season naturally means new uniforms. And this year we even get treated to a completely new jersey style -- 27 teams are now wearing jerseys constructed from "engineered mesh," and uniform numbers are now made from a mesh fabric. Naturally, teams have made some alterations to their uniform designs, logos, and so forth. To get caught up on all the uniform changes this season, check out Paul Lukas' Uni Watch column. Highlights include the Cavaliers new super-boring uniforms, the Jazz have brought back the music-note, the Magic have a new alternate jersey, the Mavericks have changed the color of their road unis, the Warriors have badass new jerseys, and the Timberwolves have removed all the green from their uniforms. (To quote Lukas, "what's the point of depicting a tree line if you can't tell they're trees?")

Surprise, surprise. The Knicks may have broken NBA draft rules by conducting secret workouts of collegiate players for the past several years. What does it say about your organization if you can cheat and still suck?

Oh, and here's a completely random link that will ruin your shit for the rest of the day: The 10 weirdest physics facts, from relativity to quantum physics. Strangely enough, there is no mention of Tracy McGrady's legs being tired without having done any work to make them tired. I suppose that is one question that science still cannot even begin to comprehend.

Nationally Televised Games:
Heat at Celtics, TNT, 8pm: What's that? It's only the first night of the season, yet you're already tired of hearing about King Crab's move to the Heat (like these guys)? Well, TNT, ESPN, and the rest of the national media have this to say:


What's truly sad is that I will still be interested in actually watching the Heat play this year, no matter how tired I get of hearing about them. Seeing Wade and LeBron work together will be entertaining, but I'm also just dying to see 37 year old Juwan Howard and 35 year old Zydrunas Ilgauskas protecting the paint.

Oh, and Mike Miller has a broken thumb. The Heat are doomed! Doooooooooooooomed!

Meanwhile, to nobody's surprise, the Celtics are planning to start Shaq at center against the Heat. Considering Jermaine O'Neal will probably pull a muscle and suffer a stress fracture drinking Gatorade on the sidelines, this move somehow makes sense. Then again, we'll just have to watch an ugly offensive effort as Shaq's glacial movements and gargantuan body clog the paint for Rajon Rondo. (Or, according to Chris, "more like clog his own arteries." Touché.)

Rockets at Lakers, TNT, 10:30pm: Thanks to Auto Draft, I have Kevin Martin on my fantasy team. Uggghh. I'm sure that will somehow bite me. Meanwhile, the Rockets should theoretically be on a bounce-back year after missing the playoffs last season. Yao Ming is finally kinda-sorta healthy again, and he will be playing limited minutes to help keep his feet from crumbling like a sandcastle in high tide. Of course it's pretty much a given that he'll still get hurt anyway, but one can dream, right? If nothing else, Rockets fans can play NBA 2K11 and watch in delight as Virtual Yao jumps for a rebound and has his head three feet above the rim. (Realism!)

The Lakers, on the other hand, are coming off their most recent championship. However, Adam Morrison is no longer with the team. This surely must mean their reign of championships is over. You HAVE to have somebody that can slap high fives on the sidelines while looking extraordinarily goofy, and other than Scalabrine, nobody does it as well as Morrison in today's NBA.

All The Other Games:
Suns at Trail Blazers, 10:00pm: Well, Amar''''e Stoudemire is finally gone. Suns fans such as AnacondaHL and myself hoped they'd finally acquire someone who has the desire to crash the boards and snag a few rebounds. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Like a soccer mom buying in bulk (because you can never have too much ketchup even if you don't have a main course to put it on, apparently), the Suns have loaded up on small forwards instead of getting a solid big man. Hakim Warrick, Josh Childress, and Hedo Turkoglu? Come on! Did they have a "buy two, get one free" special or something? (Also, Turkoglu Turkododo is likewise on my fantasy team. Here's to hoping Steve Nash continues to be a miracle worker.) Meanwhile, coach Alvin Gentry says the Suns will continue to base their offense around the pick-and-roll, even though they don't really have a solid big man to get points in the pant. Expect lots of bricked long range jump shots coming off the screen. Hurray!

Fun fact of the day: Brandon Roy scored a career high 52 points at the Rose Garden back in December 2008 against the Phoenix Suns.

2010-11 NBA Season Preview: Southwest Division

I wonder if Dirk would be smiling so widely if he realizedthat he looks like the cover model for WNBA Live 2011.
The Dallas Mavericks

Last season, the Mavs won 55 games, which was the second-best mark in the Bestern Conference and fourth-best in the league (behind the Cavaliers, Lakers and Magic). Then they lost in the first round of the playoffs for the third time in the last four years. Sure, it was a six-game defeat by San Antonio, but the Spurs were swept clean in the second round. So I'm not sure that speaks very highly of how good the 2009-10 Mavs actually were.

And check it: Despite being a top team in terms of wins and losses, the Mavericks ranked only 8th in Point Differential, 10th in Offensive Efficiency and 12 in Defensive Efficiency. I say "only" because those are decent rankings. But "decent" and "championship-caliber" are two very different things.

And these Mavs are not contenders. I mean, what's changed?

Mark Cuban re-signed Dirk Nowitzki (four years, $80 million) and Brendan Haywood (six years, $55 million), and he traded Erick Dampier's expiring contract (plus Eduardo Najera and Matt Carroll) for Tyson Chandler's expiring deal (and Alexis Ajinca). Lesser (read that, meaningless) deals included drafting Dominque Jones and signing Ian Mahinmi to a one-year contract.

Other than that, all the Mavericks did was get older. The age of the team's top six players ranges between 30 (Caron Butler) to 37 (Jason Kidd). Dirk Nowitzki is still churning out points at a fairly efficient rate, but the rest of the crew seems to be in slow decline.

Why should we expect this squad to get any better?

Okay, there is a wee smidge of hope. Between Butler, Chandler and DeShawn Stevenson, Cuban has $27 million in expiring contracts. And you know what that means: Mid-season trade! Dallas could almost certainly pick up one or two key players with that kind of money. But unless it's a high-caliber All-Star or Superstar-level player -- which seems doubtful -- I don't see the Mavs leaping from also-ran to major player.

This team has finished with at least 50 wins for 10 straight years, and they'll either reach that mark or come close again this year. But another first round exit -- or, if they get a favorable matchup in round one, an elimination in the conference semis -- is about as optimistic an appraisal as I can muster for these guys.

Which means more Mark Cuban facepalms!

This never gets old. Never.
The Houston Rockets

During the 2009-10 campaign, the Rockets were the little engine that almost could. Despite losing Yao Ming to injury and Tracy McGrady to fail, Houston managed to win 42 games with a bunch of gritty role players giving their best. It was a true underdog story. [Insert uplifting music here -- maybe Queen's "We Are The Champions" -- and feel free to shed a single, dramatic tear.]

Unfortunately for the Rockets, they weren't in a movie. So instead of the happy ending where a group of scrappy misfits bust the odds to defeat a group of vastly superior athletes, the team got an early vacation.


So how did the Rockets improve over the summer? They locked up Luis Scola for five years (overpaying him with a $47 million contract), drafted Scola's backup (Patrick Patterson), overpaid ($24 million!) for backup point guard Kyle Lowry, overspent on Brad Miller ($15 million!) for Yao insurance, and traded Trevor Ariza for Courtney Lee.

Other than the Ariza trade, those moves don't look all that great on paper do they? Or a computer screen. Or an Etch-A-Sketch. But I keep hearing about what a crazy-mad genius Daryl Morey, so I'm sure these were championship moves. Now please wait a moment while I mop up all this dripping sarcasm.

Still, if Yao can stay healthy for once, the Rockets have two legit inside threats (Ming and Scola), a great young point guard (Aaron Brooks), a crack perimeter player (Kevin Martin), and a group of solid role players/shooters (Lee, Shane Battier, Chase Buddinger, etc.). The Rockets have talent. They definitely have talent.

What they also have is a franchise player who's body is made of broken glass covered in soggy marshmallow and tissue paper. Meanwhile, their second best player (Martin) is more of a crispy papier-mâché, having missed 88 games over the past three seasons. Oh, and two speedsters (Brooks and Lowry) surrounded by a bunch of guys who have the quickness of a thick paste (Battier, Ming, Miller, Scola, Chuck Hayes, Pat Patterson). It's kind of hard to fast break when most of your team takes 10 seconds or more to cross halfcourt.

Doesn't another Yao injury, 40-45 wins and a brave but ultimately futile playoff chase sound about right? Yeah, it sounds right to me, too.

The Memphis Grizzlies

The general consensus among NBA fans is that the Grizzlies had what was, for them, a wildly successful season last year.

Reality check: That success equated to a 17th place finish in Offensive Efficiency, a 24th place finish in Defensive Efficiency, 40 wins, and yet another year of watching the playoffs from the lavish comfort of their own homes while covered in Victoria's Secret models and hundred dollar bills. Or maybe fifty dollar bills.


When the 2009-10 season was about to open, some Basketbawful readers suggested an "Assist Watch" for the Grizzlies, who opened the year with Allen Iverson, O.J. Mayo, Rudy Gay and Zach Randolph on the roster...notorious ball stoppers one and all. Sure, Memphis sent Iverson packing when he started ranting about minutes -- which happened after the first game, mind you -- but that still left the Griz with a "Big Three" who live by the motto "I will go down shooting. And then shoot from my grave."

The result: According to ESPN's John Hollinger, the Grizzlies had the lowest percentage of assisted field goals last season. And according to Basketball-Reference.com, Memphis finished with only three more total assists than the 12-win New Jersey Nets.

Shock. Awe. More shock.

For all their "success," the Care Bares were a shot-happy, defenseless bunch who probably would have won only 30-35 games if they hadn't led the league in offensive rebound percentage (KBAs, baby!).

Don't worry. It gets worse.

During the offseason, owner Michael Heisley made a series of mystifying moves, like way overpaying ($81.6 million!) for Rudy gay, letting Ronnie Brewer walk (after having acquired him from Utah for a first round pick), immediately insulting two smart draft picks (Xavier Henry and Greivis Vasquez) by offering them 20 percent less than the maximum specified by the Collective Bargaining Agreement, and then selling the 25th overall pick in the 2010 draft to the Dallas Mavericks.

Oh, and he signed Acie "One and a half feet in the NBA grave" Law.

The Grizzlies have a beastly frontcourt in Randolph and Marc "Why am I still so underrated anyway?" Gasol, a couple streaky perimeter players in Gay and Mayo, and...Mike Conley at point guard. Ugh.

Adding Henry, Vasques and Tony Allen will improve the team's depth, but I wouldn't trust this bunch any more than I would trust Eddy Curry to guard my ham sandwich. This team won't make the playoffs. Heck, they probably won't win 40 games again. Maybe ever.

But at least they have Allen marinating in the locker room.

The New Orleans Hornets

Chris Paul is begging, crying, and even screaming for some help. And if the Hornets don't give it to him, he's probably going to leave.

Seriously.

Well, no worries, Chris: Help is on the way!

Here you go: Trevor Ariza, Marco Belinelli, Craig Brackins, Quincy Pondexter, Mustafa Shakur, Jason Smith, Jerryd Bayless! And Aaron Gray!!

Oh dear God. CP3 is so gone.

I mean, the starting five -- Paul, Ariza, David West, Emeka Okafor and Marcus Thornton -- is solid (if not spectacular) enough. But there's no depth. None. The New Orleans bench is like one of those old NBA Live games where the reserves were just a bunch of faceless guys who cheered and clapped in an endless loop. Even if everybody stays healthy and Chris Paul plays like a miniature Godzilla pumped up on Super Soldier serum, this team's ceiling is, what, 40-45 games? Unless coach Monty Williams turns off fatigue so the starters can play 48 minutes a night...oh wait, this isn't NBA Live.

The only winner here is going to be the Knicks when they trade for Paul at the deadline. Just kidding. But not really.

The San Antonio Spurs

Look, can we just agree that the window has closed?

Yeah, yeah. I know, I know. A lot of Spurs backers are pointing at the Tiago Splitter signing and using that as proof that there's still a glimmer of hope. Maybe even more than a glimmer.

I said it before and I'll say it again:


Look, I'm not trying to get lazy with my analysis here. But the Spurs aren't contenders for one key reason: Tim Duncan is in decline. It's hard to tell. I mean, he's played at least 75 games in each of the last five seasons (including 78 last year). His PER has been standing pat at 24+ for the past four seasons, including a fifth-place mark of 24.7 last year (which is only three-tenths of a point off his career PER of 25.0). And he's still in the top 10 in categories like Rebound Percentage, Defensive Rating and Win Shares.

See, that's how freaking amazing Tim Duncan is: Even in decline, he's awesome.

But he's not what he was. He's not. If you have an HD television, you can practically watch his knees creak. And even though he's still amazingly efficient and as smart as ever, he doesn't dominate the way he used to. He doesn't own games like in the old days. And when he has bad nights -- often against the better teams -- they're stinkers. Take his 5-point, 1-for-10 performance in a 110-84 loss in Orlando. Or his 6-point, 2-for-11 outing in a 92-83 home loss to the Lakers. Or even his 4-for-23 brickfest at Indiana.

Everybody has bad nights. And Duncan still has more good nights than bad ones. For instance, he had a 27-rebound game in a win over the Hawks and grabbed another 26 rebounds in that Indy game. But you can't automatically pencil TD in for total domination anymore. Which is a problem, because he's the foundation of San Antonio's offense and defense.

The Celtics can get away with Kevin Garnett's semi-gimpy knees because he anchors their defense but is only a happy addition on offense. Duncan is responsible for everything. Sure, Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili (assuming their health holds out) take pressure off on the offensive end. But the O begins with Duncan and the D ends with him.

Unfortunately, Duncan is 34 years old and his NBA odometer reads 977 regular season games and 35,577 game played, plus another 170 playoff games and 6,740 minutes played. Timmy has spent the last decade-plus carrying the Spurs on his back -- and make no mistake, Duncan (not Kobe, LeBron, or Shaq) was the best player of the 2000s -- and I just don't think he has it in him to keep doing it and win a championship.

Worst of the Night: March 25, 2010

Is...is that a Joe Alexander sighting?! Holy Spider-Man's balls!Something must have gone horribly, horribly wrong in Chicago.
The Chicago Bulls: Going into last night's home game against the Miami Heat, the stakes were high for the Bullies. They were fighting for a playoff spot, for pride (since the Heat punked them and incited Kirk Hinrich into an ejection and suspension a couple weeks ago), and -- most importantly -- for the future.

After all, Chicago management has put all their eggs in the basket that is this summer's free agent market. That's why they traded John Salmons and the right to switch picks in the 2010 NBA Draft to the Milwaukee Bucks for what will amount to about $6 million in extra cap space. That way, they can dangle a max contract as a lure in an attempt to bring Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, Amar''''''e Stoudemire, Carlos Boozer or Joe Johnson to the Windy City. And since several other teams, including their own, will be able to offer those guys similar money, the Bulls needed to prove they're just one player away from becoming a contender.

In other words, they had every reason to play balls out.

Instead, their balls just kinda dropped off and Chicago fans were forced to sit through -- probably with a steaming mouthful of their own vomit -- what was probably the Bulls' worst loss of the season. Yes, worse than their home defeat to the eight-win New Jersey Nyets. Yes, worse even than the time they collapsed after building a 35-point lead against the Excremento Kings. See, after those ugly losses, at least there was plenty of time to steer the ship clear of any icebergs. But now, well, the ship be sinkin'. How far can it sink? Sky's the limit.

Because I like tormenting myself, here are some numbers. The Bulls shot just 32 percent (including 28 percent in the first half) while the Heat hit nearly 52 percent of their field goals (including over 60 percent during the first 24 minutes). Chicago had just three fast break points and got outscored 52-28 in the paint. Miami got to the rim at will, scoring 18 layups and 4 dunks. The Heat led 63-33 at halftime and 86-49 after three quarters, and their biggest lead was 39. The Bulls lost 103-74 in what was their lowest scoring game of the season. The 29-point margin was Miami’s second-largest victory of the season and Chicago's second-worst.

And, of course, Derrick Rose went out of his way to prove he might actually be overrated by going 5-for-16 and finishing with a game-worst plus-minus score of -33.

As bad as they are, those numbers can't quite get across how listless the Bulls were last night. This game was over after the first quarter...it was like the Chicago players weren't even trying. I've seen homeless people who put more effort into their personal hygiene than the Bulls put into that game. I've seen people try harder to be nice to telemarketers. I've personally tried harder to be cool about Kobe Bryant, who's, like, the world's biggest asshole and I won't be happy until he dies of natural causes during a karate attack. See where I'm going with this? The Bulls got bitchslapped...and their coach knows it.

Said Vinny Del Negro: "No good answer for anything. They just attacked us with O'Neal and Beasley. ... We did not have enough fight in us tonight. We beat each other up more in practice than we did the opponent tonight. That is the frustrating part — their effort was better, their energy was better and that is why they beat us up."

Added Taj Gibson: "They really punched us in the mouth tonight."

Even the Heat couldn't believe how readily Chicago bent over to take it. Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal -- who blistered the Bulls with 24 points on 9-for-14 shooting -- said: "We were a little shocked. We talked about it a little bit on the bench. Especially all the conversation that was kind of here in the papers and stuff like that, their struggles and the importance of the game for them, also. ... We were prepared for a fight."

Too bad the Bulls weren't.

Chicago has now lost 11 of their last 13 games -- including a 10-game losing streak -- and are 2 1/2 games behind the eighth place Toronto Craptors. And The Math gives them about a 20 percent chance to make the playoffs.

Uh, maybe we should just keep them in the studio from now on, mmmkay?
Chuck, Kenny and Ernie: I love these guys, but let's be honest: they sucked as announcers last night. Sir Charles was mumbling and providing brilliant analysis like "Three on one break, they need to finish this" and "You can't score 19 points in the first quarter and expect to win." Kenny didn't have much of anything to say (although, after Chuck's "19 points in the first quarter" comment, he did add that "They're on pace for a 38-point half."). And Ernie was giving the most uninspired play-by-play I've heard since...uh...since I provided commentary for a girl's softball game back in college. It was bad. Honestly, they were saved by the fact that the Heat obliterated the Bulls, because then they could ignore the game and crack jokes. That was the only thing that saved them from complete embarrassment.

Can we just agree that Charles, Kenny and Ernie are great studio guys that should leave play-by-play and color commentary to, you know, pretty much anybody else? Well, except Bill Russell and Rick Barry.

The Dallas Mavericks: Most horror movies have what's known as "The Final Girl." The Final Girl is usually the second hottest chick in the movie (next to the slut / bitch, who typically dies a violent and rather satisfying death) and often a token virgin who manages to survive to the end and destroy the killer / monster / alien / whatever. In many cases, The Final Girl will develop a love interest during the course of the movie, and that dude's function appears to be to give the audience a false sense of security. After all, The Final Girl just seems safer when she has somebody watching her back, you know? I mean, there's always the off chance that guy might be able to beat back the bad guy, right? Only that never happens, and the dude usually suffers some horrible mutilation and/or dismemberment right before the final act.

Well, I've come to the conclusion that the Mavericks are that guy in the horror movie that is the upcoming Western Conference playoffs. The Lakers, of course, are Jason Voorhees. Many fans and experts have fooled themselves into thinking Dallas can maybe behead the Lakers, or trap them in a cave, or knock them into a wood chipper. Or something. But it ain't gonna happen, okay? The Mavs don't have what it takes. They don't. I don't care how many Caron Butlers or Brendan "I just work here" Haywoods they add. They are going to die horribly before the final act.

That 13-game winning streak was kind of an unlucky number for the Mavericks, who have dropped four of six games since then...with the two victories being needlessly close wins against the Bulls (see above) and Clippers (see below). Meanwhile, the Frail Blazers -- who have won five straight at home and six of their last seen games overall -- are moving up in the Western standings. And you could hardly blame them for hoping to draw Dallas in round one. After all, they're 3-0 against the Mavs this season, which gives them their first season series win over Mark Cuban's team since the 1998-99 season.

By the way, The Final Girl? She usually bites it when the killer returns for the sequel. So, in this scenario, The Final Girl is probably the Denver Nuggets.

Jason Kidd, quote machine: "They've beat us three times so for us it's about getting better. We understand that this is how teams will play us, so it's good that it happened now and not in 'the next season," he said, referring to the playoffs. So the Mavs finally understand how teams will play them...by trying to win. I'm glad Dallas finally figured that out only 72 games into the season.

The Houston Rockets: The Money Ballers have been getting pretty roughed up lately, and last night's 99-93 home loss to the Clippers proved once again that a plucky spirit combined with a can-do attitude isn't always an adequate substitute for star power.

Since no loss is complete without excuses, I should note the Rockets were missing Shane Battier (head shaving incident or something) and Kevin Martin (vaginal bleeding or whatever), so the Houston faithful can rightfully (but pathetically) log this defeat in the "Undermanned" column.

Trevor Ariza -- who led Team Pluck with 18 points, 8 boards and a career-high-tying 8 dimes -- said: "That's the hardest part about this game. We work ... all season with those guys and they go down. It takes a lot out of you. We know that coming into a game we just got to figure out ways to keep it going."

Uhm, wasn't Martin acquired at the trade deadline? If Ariza has been working with K-Mart all year, then Trevor must have a Hot Tub Time Machine and needs to share. I want to go back to St. Patrick's Day and not eat a certain corned beef sandwich that might or might not have passed back out of my system with the force of a thousand exploding suns.

Anyway, let's get back to sad-sacking the Rockets for losing to the Clippers -- the Clippers -- who hadn't won on the road since February 2. That was a stretch of 11 straight losses away from home. The skid had lasted so long that Drew Gooden, who got traded to The Other L.A. Team over a month ago, got his first road win as a Clipper last night.

I should probably also point out that Houston missed 10 foul shots and lost by six. BONK.

Baron Davis, going forward machine: "Much needed. Much needed. It was great. Hopefully it gives us a lot of confidence for the next game going forward. It was definitely a stepping stone, a learning period and I was just proud of my teammates. We didn't really turn the ball over and we got good shots." Okay, the Clippers are 27-45. What could this win possibly be a stepping stone to? Another stair on the way to Basketball Hell? Oh, wait. I just checked The Other L.A. Team's schedule. Their next game is against the Golden State Warriors. Win number 28, here the Clippers come!

Houston's "Big Three": The Rockets were led by Ariza, Aaron Brooks (18 points, 9 assists) and Luis Scola (16 points, 14 assists). But they weren't scoring in an, ahem, efficient manner. Those three dudes combined to shoot 20-for-56. I guess you could call that scoring by the Law of Averages.

Rasual Butler: Hey Rasual...you don't get off the hook just because your team won. The line: 2-for-10, including 1-for-7 from downtown.

Update! Almost forgot...on Wednesday night, the Nyets ran a promotion in which fans were allowed to turn in the paper bags they otherwise might have worn on their heads for free Nyets merchandise: a poster, a pack of player trading cards and a printed note from Yormark that said: "Thanks for letting us see your face. We hope to see it more often at Nets' games." Brilliant. Because fans wearing bags on their head want more reminders of one of the worst teams of all time. According to the story, "two people accepted the exchange offer by halftime." Thanks to Basketbawful reader Ash B for the reminder.

Update! LeBron James, ego machine: Said King Crab: "I if really wanted to win the scoring title I could win it every single year. Every single year, I could really do it. But it doesn't matter to me." Thanks to Basketbawful reader K for the link.

Derrek Lee: Okay, this isn't basketball related, but I had to included it because I live in Chicago and because this is so, so very Chicago Cubs. Lee -- who is prone to injury -- hurt himself while eating. Nope. Not making it up.

Think I'm joking about this being "so, so Chicago Cubs"? Then check it:

The sad part is that if Lee comes back on Friday, this won't rank very highly on the list of recent Cubs' freak injuries. Those candidates would include Sammy Sosa sneezing his way out of the lineup, Carlos Zambrano emailing his elbow out, Kerry Wood slipping near a hot tub, Alfonso Soriano hopping his way to an MRI and Ryan Dempster breaking his toe while jumping out of the dugout to celebrate.

Lacktion report: At a glance, I can tell chris put more effort into this lacktion report than the Bulls did doing anything last night. Unless they were trying to suck, in which case their effort was off the charts. Anyway...

Heat-Bulls: Jamaal Magloire rebounded twice in 4:15, only to brick twice and capture a giveaway and three fouls for a 4:2 Voskuhl. For the heifers, former nightmare ant Joe Alexander bricked once in that same timespan for a +1 suck differential.

Mavs-Frail Blazers: Eduardo Najera can now invest in a stock market bubble alongside team owner Mark Cuban, as he collected a fortune of 5.35 trillion (5:21) in a losing effort! Also lacking it up for Dallas were DeShawn Stevenson (+1 in 1:01 via brick from Pioneer Courthouse Square) and Rodrigue Beaubois, the latter switching on his Game Boy for a 48-second Mario!

Portland's Dante Cunningham missed once in 2:59 for a +1.

Just received word in Bawful comments that...

THE BUCKS ARE TRYING TO EXTEND THE VIABILITY OF THE JOHN SALMONS ERA BY...

SIGNING DARNELL "LACKTION" JACKSON.

YES.