Bawful After Dark: Thanksgiving Weekend Watch

Kevin Garnett Photobomb!
Speaking of Kevin Garnett, AnacondaHL shared an amazing Garnett quote earlier today:

"Shaq is paradise," said Garnett. "You ever wash your sheets and then set them out to dry in the sun? You ever smell those sheets when they're done? That's what Shaq is."

I... don't even know what to say. And since I'm still recovering from a turkey-induced food coma, let's just move on.

Worst of the Past Couple Nights in Pictures:

"HEY! Did I just see you playing defense?!? If I catch you doing that one more time, your ass is benched!!"

How about no...

Didn't you just lose like three straight games? Why are you celebrating?

Erik Spolestra just saw The Basketball Jones' video and realized it was like looking into the future

Hey, uh, LeBron, I think you got a little something in your teeth there... Wait, you mean you got a mouthpiece like that on purpose??

Nationally Televised Friday Games:
Rockets at Bobcraps, ESPN2, 7pm: What's going on? TNT gives us two just horrible Thanksgiving night games, and ESPN (well, ESPN2 actually) has to try to match them?

Warriors at Grizzlies, ESPN2, 9:30pm: Okay, now they're just messing with us.

All The Other Friday Games:
Cavaliers at Magic, 7pm: It's kind of funny now to think about how this used to be a real rivalry, isn't it?

Craptors at Celtics, 7:30pm: Instead of watching these dinosaurs and their unbelievable four game winning streak, you should instead prepare yourself to watch Triassic Attack Saturday night on the SyFy channel. Go and read this article for more information (come on, do it. It quotes Frank Coniff, AKA "TV's Frank" from Mystery Science Theater 3000!). The basic premise of the movie:

The movie is about the fossilized remains of dinosaurs that are brought back to life by a Native American spell and urged to wreak havoc on a small town. The ravenous, animated skeletons start eating as many people as they can.

However, because the resurrected dinosaurs are only bones, they have no digestive organs. So their human meals just drop to the ground after mastication.

Tell me that isn't 65 million times more awesome than a Craptors game.

Bucks at Pistons, 7:30pm: The now largely-unfeared deer from Wisconsin are sitting at a 5-9 record despite a solid defense because, as I've noted before, you still have to score more points than the other guy. Luckily for them, Detroit is also a five win team with a much less effective defense.

76ers at Heat, 7:30pm: And sadly the run of epic Heat failures comes to an end.

Thunder at Pacers, 8pm: The Thunder are 5-1 this year on the road, but going back a ways, they have lost 3 straight games in Indianapolis. I'm trying to figure this one out, but I'm just plain not smart enough to comprehend that. It's just the Pacers, guys. Get it together.

Mavericks at Spurs, 8:30pm: Interesting game. The Mavs are winning games, but not in a good way. Quoting Marc Stein on The BS Report: "The problem is if [Nowitzki] has to keep carrying the load he's carrying right now, we won't see him in April. He's playing spectacular, but this team is -- hard to watch right now is putting it kindly. They're winning games with [defense]... If Jason Terry has an off-night, they're huge trouble because half the time they're playing 2-on-5 offensively." The Spurs may have barely beaten the Timberpups in a goofy trap game, but they could really bring it to the Mavs here.

Bulls at Nuggets, 9pm: The Bulls need to win either this game or Saturday night at Suckramento to lock up their first winning record for the Circus Trip since Jordan was dunking all over people for them. Unfortunately, Derrick Rose and Taj Gibson are both gametime decisions tonight. Gibson's ankle is still a little sore, and Rose is fighting discomfort in his neck.

Clippers at Suns, 9pm: Now that the Clippers have gotten their one win for the week out of the way, they can go back to their usual godawful routine of failure.

Lakers at Jazz, 9:30pm: Sobering stat of the day: "The Utah Jazz have lost all three home games against teams that made the playoffs last season." And if you'll remember, the Lakers beat the holy hell out of the Jazz in the playoffs last year, and are on the warpath this year and intent on destroying everything in their sight. Sorry, Utah fans. Not looking good for tonight.

Hornets at Frail Blazers, 10pm: The Blazers were looking forward to getting Joel Przybilla back on the court (as were the rest of us here at Basketbawful), but it may not happen tonight. After recovering for nearly a full year from a ruptured patella, he finally gets ready to hit the court... and has to go to the hospital fighting a stomch virus. It's almost like somebody on the inside is sabotaging the Blazers at this point. (For the record, The Vanilla Gorilla is still a gametime decision, and will play limited minutes if he does get in the game)

* * *

Nationally Televised Saturday Games:
Magic at Wizards Generals, NBA TV, 7pm: "Magic" and "wizards" battle it out in the matchup of geektacular team names!

All The Other Saturday Games:
Hawks at Knicks, 1pm: I have nothing worth sharing related to this game, so I'll just share this: President Obama needed 12 stitches after getting hit in the mouth during a friendly game of hoops on Thanksgiving. At least it's better than what happened to Tiger Woods the last time we had a celebrity of sorts get injured over the Thanksgiving long weekend.

Grizzlies at Cavaliers, 7:30pm: Fair to say almost nobody will be at this game, right? The Cleveland fans have to save up their dollars for the King James return game.

Nyets at 76ers, 7:30pm: Adrian Wojnarowski tweeted: "Terrence Williams had a lot of red flags for teams coming out of Louisville and chronic tardiness with Nets earns him demotion to D-League." As someone from Louisville who watched T-Will in college far too much... yes, he is D-League material.

Warriors at Timberwolves, 8pm: Are you ready for Darko to put up a 30/15/5 game? It's within the realm of possibility here, folks. Somebody please hold me. I'm scared.

Heat at Mavericks, 8:30pm: There will be a combination of five effective offensive players on the floor at once here. Too bad it's spread over two teams.

Bobcraps at Bucks, 9pm: The appeal of watching this game is like watching The Postman to see Tom Petty's cameo as himself in a post-apocalyptic Kevin Costner world. Terrible enough to be briefly amusing, but absolutely not worth it, and you feel like a worse person for seeing it. (However, it is worth it to check out the Youtube comments for the joke someone makes about living "like a refugee")

Bulls at Kings, 10pm: This reeks of trap game. Chicago looking forward to ending their road trip, Rose is a little banged up, Suckramento should in theory be an easy opponent...

* * *

All The Sunday Games:
Hawks at Craptors, 1pm: As bad as the Hawks have struggled at times this season, at least they can take comfort in knowing they haven't lost twice in a week to the Craptors like the 76ers recently did. So that's nice.

Knicks at Pistons, 1:30pm: Including this game, the Knicks upcoming schedule: at Pistons, Nyets, at Hornets, at Craptors, T-Wolves, Craptors, at Generals. Seriously, I am willing to accept that the Knicks might reel off several wins in a few weeks here.

Spurs at Hornets, 3pm: Good game.

Jazz at Clippers, 3:30pm: Not so good of a game.

Thunder at Rockets, 7pm: At what point does Daryl Morey start drinking heavily?

Frail Blazers at Nyets, 7pm: Just thinking here... aren't we overdue for The Prokhorov to do something ridiculous and entertaining? I feel kinda let down.

Suns at Nuggets, 8pm: Newsflash: Amar''''e is a terrible defender. (I know, mindblowing news, right?) Well, here is some insight into that -- Amar'''e says nobody ever taught him how to play defense! Because of course it's impossible for him to seek other sources of knowledge...

Pacers at Lakers, 9:30pm: While the Lakers certainly will just steamroll over the Pacers in this game, they still won't be too upset if they do manage to somehow lose. They're the only team in the entire Pacific division that is above .500 as of Friday. Not that this is surprising since they play in the same conference as the Warriors, Kings, and Clippers, but still.

Tommy Heinsohn hates The Rasheed Wallace Rule

People are discussing -- loudly and in direct opposition to -- the new Rasheed Wallace Rule that disallows NBA players from having what is known as "human reactions" to foul calls.

Last night, the problem came to a throbbing, pussy head when Kevin Garnett received double Ts and an early trip to the locker room for 1) disputing an offensive foul call on Jermaine O'Neal and then 2) laughing bout his first tech. Memo to ballahz around the world: David Stern hates laughter and wants to destroy it.

And, well, you've gotta love Tommy Heinsohn's reaction: "The NBA...IT'S STUPID!!"

Kevin Garnett's Greatest Potty Mouth Hits

Some of you were disappointed by the notable lack of Kevin Garnett in yesterday's Worst Evers: Potty mouths post. That's a fair point. After all, KG's mouth is so foul that most psychics can actually see the air around it die screaming. If Garnett had been around in J.R.R. Tolkien's day, Tolkien might have had Frodo destroy Sauron's ring by dropping it into KG's mouth instead of the fires of Mount Doom.

Anyway, here's a collection of KG's greatest potty mouth hits:










Update! This video of KG cussing up a rookie was submitted by an anonymous reader:

The Game 3 Press Conference: Starring Everybody

Editor's note: In case you didn't recognize it, this post owes a giant tip 'o the hat to the classic "Dicks, Pussies, and Assholes" speech from Team America: World Police. And Kevin Garnett's potty mouth, of course.

Worst of the Playoff Night: April 19, 2010

"Let him shoot! Let him shoot! Let him...oh, shit!"
The Chicago Bulls: Honestly, I'm not sure what else the Bulls could have done. They played a near perfect game.

No, they didn't shoot the ball well -- 44 percent as a team, including 4-for-13 from three-point range -- but they've been a limited offensive team all season. However, they flipped the script from Game 1 by taking care of the ball (only 4 turnovers), sharing the ball (25 assists), controlling the offensive boards (13-5), thriving off second-chance points (19), running out in transition (18 fast break points) and outscoring Cleveland 56-38 in the paint.

It very well could have been a winning effort...except for friggin' LeBron James.

King Crab scored a game-high 40 points, including 15 in the pivotal fourth quarter. But what was most demoralizing is how he scored those points. You expect James to be dominate around the basket, and he did, dunking the ball once and hitting all six of his layup attempts. This included a statement dunk on poor James Johnson and a spectacular up-and-under scooping layup on Noah.

But like I said, you expect that.

What you -- and, certainly, the Bulls -- don't expect is for LeBron to sizzle from the outside. During the regular season, James shot only 33 percent from downtown and had an Effective Field Goal Percentage of 43 percent on jump shots. King Crab might very well be the best player on planet Earth, but if there's a weakness in his game, it's his outside shooting.

Of course, people said the same thing about Michael Jordan in 1992, and we all know how that turned out. I think Clyde Drexler is still recovering from that revelation.

Anyway, LeBron went 9-for-16 from outside and 2-for-4 from beyond the arc, including one ridiculous trey right in Noah's mug. It was so freaky far away from the hoop that Joakim returned to the scene of the crime after the game to investigate the distance from which James took the shot.

Said Noah: "That's a long way. You've got to be kidding me."

As for LeBron, he didn't pull off any Jordan-like shrugs -- although he did do a little dance after hitting that three on Noah -- but he did address Chicago's strategy of trying to force him to shoot: "They were telling me I can't make jump shots. They asked me to shoot a jumper so I did that. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again." That's right. Eight "overs."

Damn, he's good. But damn, I hate him.

This sort of looks like the final shot from a moviewhere a famous athlete helps a special needs child.
James Johnson, poster boy: Poor rookie.


After the game, LeBron -- overflowing with modesty -- reluctantly conceded that dunk was one of his greatest: "It definitely ranks up there. It's one of the best ones."

Joakim Noah, quote machine, Part 1: When asked whether he regretted making anti-Cleveland comments between Games 1 and 2, Noah said...well...here's the video:


Joakim Noah, quote machine, Part II: "We were real focused at the beginning and we played with poise. It just came down to them hitting big shot after big shot. LeBron's pretty good. He's actually a very good player."

Joakim Noah, quote machine, Part III: "LeBron's hitting unbelievable shots. Yes, it's tough. But we've got to play them again, so I don't want to be up here and give LeBron all this credit. Yeah, he played an unbelievable game. It's tough right now. I hate to lose, so I'm a little frustrated by that. But we'll be ready to go come Thursday."

Joakim Noah: Ready to go.
Vinny Del Negro, quote machine: Time to update your spreadsheet of strange in-game promotions: The Cavs gave their fans a box of macaroni and cheese and encouraged them to shake it while the Bulls -- especially Noah -- were shooting free throws. (For the record, Noah, a career 70 percent foul shooter, went 5-for-5.) Regarding the promotion, Vinny said: "I'm Italian, I like macaroni. I'm hoping I can get a few boxes after the game. I love pasta. Penne, spaghetti -- I actually like linguine. I hope they pass some linguine out."

Huh. Suddenly feeling hungry.

The Denver Nuggets: Okay, let's get some things straight. The Utah Jazz are not a deep team, assuming "deep" means "having multiple talented players on their bench." Without Andrei Kirilenko, they have nobody to guard Carmelo Anthony. Minus Mehmet Okur, they were forced to start Kyrylo Fesenko at center, and Fesenko responded with more fouls and turnovers (5 and 2) than points and rebounds (4 and 2) in 20 minutes. All things being equal, the Nuggets should have taken a 2-0 series lead last night.

Didn't happen tho'.

Chauncey Billups: Mr. Big Shot finished with 17 points despite shooting only 4-for-11. Billups finished with almost as many fouls and turnovers (10) as assists (11), but that's not why he's here. It's because his counterpart, Deron Williams, owned him so thoroughly that I half-expected to see Deron try to sell Chauncey on eBay. Williams went off for 33 points and 14 assists. He was 7-for-14 from the field, 3-for-4 from downtown and a mind-boggling 16-for-18 from the foul line.

Said Billups: "D-Will and Booz, they had their way." And Williams had his way with you, Chauncey. I'm just sayin'.

J.R. Smith: Remember how he exploded in the fourth quarter of Game 1? And how I said Smith can shoot his team in or out of a game? Well, in Game 2, J.R. went 3-for-10, including 1-for-6 from three-point range.

Carmelo Anthony: 'Melo made a living at the free throw line Anthony -- 14-for-15 for the game -- but he went 9-for-25 from the field and fouled out of a playoff game for the first time of his career.

Did I mention that four of his six fouls were of the offensive variety? The foul out forced Anthony to miss the final 25 seconds of the game, which was a pretty big deal considering Denver was down one point at the time and only lost by three.

Said Boozer: "Him not being in there the last 25 seconds was huge for us."

Don't worry, 'Melo. The people of Utah still love you. Or...something. H/T AnacondaHL.


Of course, this is the NBA, so naturally there's a little controversy over 'Melo's sixth foul...

Officiating: Anthony got whistled for personal foul number six after taking a swipe at C.J. Miles. There was only one problem: Miles stepped out of bounds before Anthony did his Edward Scissor Hands impersonation. Unfortunately for Denver, the refs missed it. 'Melo had to take a seat and sank both freebies to put Utah up 110-107.

That's a pretty big play.

Said Miles: "I knew I was close but it was only because he was hitting me. He was trying to get the ball."

Speaking of fouls...

Hack-a-palooza 2010: That's what it was at the Pepsi Center last night, as the Jazz and Nuggets combined for 67 personal fouls and 91 free throw attempts. You read that correctly: 91 foul shots, 47 for Utah and 44 for Denver. What's more, Jazz coach Jerry Sloan got tagged with a technical foul and 'Melo got clled for a flagrant.

That's playoff basketball I guess.

Jerry Sloan, quote machine: "I think we tried to get to [Anthony] a little bit earlier. In the game before we let everybody go where they wanted to go. Sometimes you get tired of taking a butt kicking."

Kevin Garnett: Here's KG's reaction to his one-game suspension for going all Macho Man Randy Savage on Quentin Richardson:

"No, I wasn't surprised at all, to be honest," said Garnett. "I told my man, [Celtics vice president of media relations] Jeff Twiss, when we were talking that I just want my message to be done, and all of this to be over with. My message here is: Whoever it is, my teammates, [Celtics coach] Doc Rivers, or anyone in the organization, I want them to know I got their back.

"The elbow wasn't deliberate. The league does what it has to do to set the tone. I respect that. It's time to move on and get back to a wonderful series."

Not deliberate? Really, KG? C'mon, man. You don't swing a lethal elbow like that non-deliberately. It's impossible.

Naturally, Garnett tried to throw a little blame Richardson's way:

"You know how it goes," said Garnett. "The person that usually instigates something is not the one that usually gets the penalty. But it's over. It's what it is. We've both been dealt with."

As Basketbawful reader That's not in the book said: "All aboard the KG Train O' Dislogic: He's 'got his (team's) back,' Quentin Richardson 'instigates something,' yet the thrown elbow 'wasn't deliberate.' Tab A does not Slot B in this argument."

Doc Rivers is riding KG's train:

"My only statement on the whole thing, I accept Kevin being suspended, if you go by the letter of the law, you kinda knew it was going to go that way," said Rivers. "But if your really want to stop the fights, you gotta suspend the agitator, too. I think right now, the agitator gets fined, the retaliator gets suspended in all these things. Until they stop the agitator, and fine them, and suspend them both, then you'll have these things."

??? Uhm, just watch. Hat tip to Deadspin, via Dan B.


Lacktion report: Two games was still enough for chris to eke out some lacktion:

Bulls-Crabs: James Johnson fouled thricely in 4:52 and added a brick and rejection for a +5 suck differential, while JJ Hickson held a Game Boy for a full 10 seconds to earn his second straight Mario!!!

Jazz-Nuggets: Kyrylo Fesenko went 100% for field goals in two attempts as starting big man, but for the rest of his 19:44 stint, he countered an assist and board as well with five fouls and two giveaways for a 7:6 Voskuhl. Othyus Jeffers jammed a brick into the proceedings and also took a rejection for a celebratory +2 in 3:07.