Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Bawful After Dark: February 16, 2011

Damnit, Deng, stop trying to impress Jordan

After a sucky, stress-filled week, I was all set to return to writing BAD posts the other day. And then I woke up and felt a violent stabbing pain in my right eye. I somehow managed to scratch my cornea just opening my eyelids after waking up. Unbelievable. I'm fine now (already wearing my contact lenses again, in fact) thanks to the cornea being the fastest-healing part of the human body, but that's still just ridiculous. Not only was it extremely painful, but it felt like something some random NBA player would do to miss a game during the season so we could make fun of him.

Here is by far the most random thing I've seen all year: the NES game based on The Great Gatsby. Yes, you can play it online. Yes, it will hurt your brain. Because, naturally, reading the book makes me want to throw hats at butlers in an 8 bit game.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Bobcats Bulls Basketball
"I'm not facepalming! I have an itch!"

Bobcats Bulls Basketball
"Woah, what the hell? (squints eyes) Is MJ all up on Scottie Pippen??"

Nationally Televised Games:
Nuggets at Bucks, ESPN, 9pm: Behold: ESPN's Carmelo Anthony Slot Machine.. Do yourself a favor and read the comments from the WOTN post about it before your brain explodes.

All The Other Games:
Wizards Generals at Magic, 7pm: Well, so much for that. The Generals finally got their first road victory and no longer have to worry about being winless on the road all season. So this means they can totally give up and just mail in the rest of the season, right?

Heat at Craptors, 7pm: My prediction for the night: Dwyane Wade will try to throw a 90 foot alley oop lob for LeBron, only to lose his grip and hit the Craptors mascot in the head, sending him tumbling down a flight of stairs and face-first onto the court.

Nyets at Celtics, 7:30pm: Yes, the Celtics have taken down the Nyets 14 of their last 15 times at home. That being said, they still managed to lose to them last February even though that was one of the worst teams in the history of organized basketball. So I still feel a lump in my throat whenever I see this matchup.

Lakers at Cadavers, 7:30pm: The Lakers just got their asses handed to them by the Bobcraps. Stepping back in time just a few weeks, the Lakers handed the Cadavers one of the most brutal losses the league has ever seen. Footage of that game is the closest thing to a snuff film most people will ever see. So yeah, I'm not too worried about the Lakers' chances tonight.

Pacers at Pistons, 7:30pm: Good news, Detroit! It sounds like you're going to be finally getting that sweet Robocop statue. I'm kind of surprised they didn't opt for the Clarence Boddicker statue instead. He could have provided useful warning for anyone entering the town: "Bitches, leave!"

Hawks at Knicks, 7:30pm: Surprisingly interesting game. The last meeting between these two teams got a little chippy.

Also, per Will: "Man, Wally "The Arctic Pimp" has really fallen off the fucking face of the Earth hasn't he?"

Clippers at Timberwolves, 8pm: And (aside from the possibility of Blake Griffin destroying the world with a Barkley-style chaos dunk) this game is considerably less interesting.

Kings at Mavericks, 8:30pm: Where's that towel Donte Green was facepalming under the other night? I'd rather hide behind it than watch this game.

76ers at Rockets, 8:30pm: While going through the spreadsheet of lacktion stats Chris has compiled for this season, I noticed something: Jason Kapono has become a truly bawful player this season. Seven Marios already this year! After doing a little more digging, I saw his PER is 2.1 (which is somewhere between "legally deceased guy doing the Weekend at Bernie's routine" and "folding chair" on the PER reference guide), and he actually has a negative win shares value despite barely ever being on the floor. Impressive. And, unsurprisingly, there's a headline on ESPN Insider that says "Kapono could be out in Philly -- If he's not traded, a buyout could come." (I'd tell you more, but I don't subscribe to ESPN Insider.)

Warriors at Jazz, 9pm: I'd just like to point out something about the post-Jerry Sloan era: this is one of the very few times we haven't seen a dead coach bounce after a mid-season coaching change in a long while. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'...

Hornets at Frail Blazers, 10pm: In David Stern's latest apperance on Bill Simmons podcast (as recapped by Marc Stein here), we learned that some owners would not be opposed to contracting the Hornets. Considering how wildly the Hornets have flucuated from one extreme to the other this season, I can only assume this means whenever they hit another winning streak, team owners would suddenly be in favor of giving New Orleans a second team?

Also, ugly news for Blazers fans: "Consulting surgeon on Brandon Roy says he has 1-2 years left." Yes, his knee problems might really be that severe.

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