Monday, February 21, 2011

The 2011 Null-Star Game

You thought Sunday night's All-Star game was the end of the All-Star festivities, didn't you? You were wrong. Oh, so bawfully wrong. What better way to celebrate President's Day than to hold the second annual Null-Star Game? (Hint: pretty much any other way is a better way to celebrate, but here we are.)

The Eastern Conference Null-Stars earned home court advantage as a result of their 41-23 ass-whuppin' victory in last year's game. The game was simulated in NBA 2K11 with five-minute quarters because referees threatened to walk out when we told them there'd be full-length quarters. Also, the only way we could lure fans was to offer a Ten Cent Beer Night, so we couldn't play too long, lest we see another riot. (Heaven help the poor bastard who hits Brian Scalabrine in the face with a beer. His championship ring will leave a mighty dent in your forehead.)

The rosters for this game were carefully chosen by reviewing the lacktion reports Chris has tracked all season, utilizing the highly advanced metrics of Marios, trillions, suck differentials, and Voskuhls. Here are your 2010-2011 Basketbawful Null-Stars:

Eastern Conference Null-Stars:
Von Wafer, Celtics: 2 Super Mario Galaxies. 7 appearances with trillions for a combined total of 20.45 trillion, averaging 2.9 trillion per lacktive game. 5 suck differential games, for a total of +10.
Quinton Ross, Nyets: 3 Marios, averaging 24 seconds per Mario appearance. 4 suck differential games for a total of +11.
Jason Kapono, Sixers: 7 Marios, averaging 19.4 seconds per Mario apperance, with 2 Super Mario Galaxies.
Brian Scalabrine, Bulls: He's the Null-Star equivalent of Tim Duncan in this year's All-Star game, getting essentially the "lifetime achievement" spot. Yes, a lifetime achievement of towel-waving and contributing only on the rarest of occasions.
Joel Anthony, Heat: Total suck differential of +11, averaging +3.7 per lacktive appearance. 15 Voskuhls. Two triple zeros in one month.

Stephen Graham, Nyets: 4 suck differential games, +13 total, averaging +3.25.
Trevor Booker, Generals: 4 Marios, averaging 17 seconds, with 2 Super Mario Galaxies. Combined trillion efforts of 7.5 trillion, averaging 3.75 trillion per lacktive game.
Johan Petro, Nyets: 14 Voskuhls
Sherron Collins, Bobcraps: 3 Marios, averaging 10.7 seconds, with 2 Super Mario Galaxies. 4 suck differential games.
Semih Erden, Celtics: +12 total suck differential, averaging +6 per lacktive game.
Hilton Armstrong, Generals: 3 Marios, 11 Voskuhls.
Ryan Hollins, Cadavers: 9 Voskuhls.
Western Conference Null-Stars:
Ronnie Price, Jazz: A combined effort of 10.2 trillion in just two lacktive efforts, averaging a mighty 5.1 trillion per game. 5 suck differential games for a total of +10.
Quincy Pondexter, Hornets: 3 games with trillions, for a total of 7 trillion, averaging 2.33 trillion per game. 4 appearances with suck differentials.
Luke Babbitt, Blazers: 6 appearances with suck differentials, and one of the few Blazers with working legs.
Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson, Kings: 5 Marios. A total +10 suck differential, averaging +3.3 per lacktive game.
Hasheem Thabeet, Grizzlies: 5 suck differential games, and 12 Voskuhls.

Willie Warren, Clippers: 10 total trillion in just two lacktive appearances, averaging a staggering 5 trillion per appearance.
Dan Gadzuric, Warriors: A total suck differential of +10, averaging +3.3 per lacktive game. 10 Voskuhls.
Jarron Collins, Clippers: 5 games with trillions, combining for 12.1 total trillion, averaging 2.42 trillion per lacktive game.
Steve Novak, Spurs: 3 Marios. 3 games with trillion box score lines. Most Bawful Player from the 2010 Null-Star game.
Kyrylo Fesenko, Jazz: 5 suck differential games, with a league-leading 16 Voskuhls.
Sam Young, Grizzlies: 5 suck differential games, for a combined +14.
Brian Cardinal, Mavericks: Averaging 2.43 trillion per lacktive appearance, plus 5 games with suck differentials.
And now, enjoy BawfulTV's coverage of the game. Here's Kevin Harlan and Clark Kellog with the call, and Doris Burke reporting from the sidelines. I didn't believe it was possible, but I'm fairly certain this game was even more bawful than last year's game. Prepare yourself for blown dunks, an over-and-back violation, and the worst shooting in the history of organized basketball.

1st Quarter:

2nd Quarter and Halftime Show:

3rd Quarter:

4th Quarter and Game Recap:

Box score:

Shooting Zones:

Lacktion report:
For the East, Ryan Hollins racked up one personal foul in four minutes for a +1. For the West, Sam Young had 5 missed shots, 2 fouls, and 1 turnover for a stunning +7 while Kyrylo Fesenko cashed in for 2 trillion.

Most Bawful Player:
While Sam Young did rack up a mighty lot of failure in his 9 minutes on the court, I have to give the nod to Luke Babbitt. Though he did add 6 points, 2 boards, and a steal, he also went 1-13 from the field and absolutely destroyed his team's offensive flow on nearly every possession, shooting bad jumper after bad jumper early in the shot clock. His game-worst -27 further proves his status as the Most Bawful Player.

Von Wafer nearly destroyed the civilized world with a dunk that approached Chaos Dunk territory. It decapitated everyone within several yards of the basket, as captured in this striking image:


And boom goes the dynamite.

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