The 2010 Christmas List: The Ultimate Revenge Kit

This product is pretty much as insideous as it looks.
The SpyMall Web site provides a great many ways to willingly violate someone's consitutional right to privacy. That's assuming you live in a country where the government has promised to always protect your privacy until it becomes super important to secretly violate it.

Consider yourselves warned, terrorists.

But SpyMall doesn't just let you snoop, restrain and deal out swift justice in the form of speeding lead projectiles. The site also provides an entire page devoted enitrely to revenge:

Unlike some of the other companies that you will encounter on the web and elsewhere, Brandon Enterprises likes to think of itself as a well-rounded company with something for everyone. This is true whether you are one of our many friends in the Law Enforcement field, or just someone who has the odds stacked against them. Our primary objective is to help put the odds in YOUR favor. Whatever your mission, whatever your situation, -- WE'VE GOT YOU COVERED!

This section of our virtual store is dedicated to products which give you the power to take back control of your life and put the fear of God into your enemies. As you will soon see, many of these marvels of chemistry and electronics have been adapted from the many gadgets used by intelligence operatives. Others were designed with one specific, yet wonderfully diabolical purpose in mind, GETTING-EVEN...

SpyMall then engages in some serious cover-our-ass-ing:

PLEASE NOTE: Brandon Enterprises does not condone or recommend the use of any of these products to inflict harm, injury, or mental anguish on any third party. These devices are sold strictly for novelty purposes and should not be used without the other persons consent. (Of course your already knew this, right?) Enjoy.

SpyMall then provides access to a whole series of sinister products that no sane and/or conscious human beign would ever consent to come into contact with. Not even somebody with a human ashtray fetish.

The most insideous of these products are collected in The Ultimate Revenge Kit:

Revenge can truly be sweet, -- especially if you have a fully equipped bag of tricks ready to deploy at a moments notice. This special kit offers you one of each of our unique revenge chemicals, (15-in-all) in a special padded, lockable, hard carry case. Chemicals included: Nasty Yellow Teeth, Hellfire & Brimstone, Un-Natural Gas, Evacuator, Sneezing Powder, Green Gas, Lock-Out Drops, Liquid Key Scratch, Vomit Fluid, Liquid Nightmare, The Blob, Stink Bomb, Liquid Roadkill, Blood Capsules, & Purple Rain. Purchased separately, the items contained in this kit would cost you over $175.00!!! Warning: These chemicals should not be used on someone without their consent.

You'll have to go to the site for a full description of these products. But I here's a description of the Evacuator:

The "Evacuator" is made from a unique natural bark which is then ground into a fine powder. When mixed into a marks food or drink, the active ingredient will cause total, uncontrollable, "evacuation" via the natural route. (The term "Evacuation" means that this chemical causes the victims bowels to purge or empty...) Stand CLEAR! Warning: Not to be used on others without their consent.

Evacuation "via the natural route"? Pussies. My kind of revenge includes evacuation via totally unnatural routes. Because nothing says "revenge" like some poor sucker shitting uncontrollably through his eyes.

Also, I love the warning. "Hey, Evil Ted, do you mind if I put a few drops of this liquid into your morning coffee? It'll cause horrific and unstoppable diarrhea. Do you consent to this?" Eh, I'll just assume he did and leave it at that.

At any rate, assuming another Celtics-Lakers Finals next summer, I'm going to have one of these babies shipped to every single hotel L.A. could possibly stay in. So if Kobe misses a few games due to deadly ass explosions, well, there's no need to thank me.