The 2010 Christmas List: The Beer Belly

"Ssshhhh! Don't tell anybody how fucking awesome I am."
I love going to live sporting events. Where else can you pay hundreds of dollars in tickets and concessions to watch fat guys gyrate during timeouts or see two topless guys in ass-hugging tights and gold body paint perform gymnastics -- slow, sweaty gymnastics -- off each other's rippling bodies?

And the 2010-11 Chicago Matadors added a real midget? Awesome.

That kind of high-quality entertainment isn't cheap. And sadly, like many fans, I can't enjoy that level of splendor very often. Mostly because I could have my entire body rebuilt out of bionic parts and gold bars for the cost of a few beers at the United Center. Not that I mind paying $8 for a four-ounce plastic cup of Miller Lite. Oh, wait. I do mind. A lot.

But...what if I could sneak in 80 ounces of my own beer? Well, I can. And so can you. Just use the Beer Belly:

Hot, right?
From the product description:

You can use the Beer Belly to hold either cold or hot beverages.

When worn under your clothes you just look like a dude sporting a nice beer gut.The bladder has a wide mouth opening allowing for the addition of ice (Margarita Time) and for easy cleaning.

The Beer Belly comes with the sling and the bladder. The sling is designed to fit users up to 6'8" and up to a 40" waist.

Made of neoprene, the sling insulates you and will feel like real flesh under your clothes. The bladder holds up to 80oz. of the beverage of your choice and fits in a custom shaped pouch inside the sling .

80 oz of beer... that's more than a 6 pack! Strap one on today! A perfect gift for your beer guzzling pals and family members!!

A perfect gift for everybody more like it! At a mere $34.95 plus S&H, the Beer Belly will pay for itself one round of drinks into the next live sporting event you attend.

Oh, and don't think I've forgotten about you, ladies. I present the Wine Rack:

Horrifying man face not included.
From the product description:

That's Drea, who is NOT, no offense, well endowed. Sporting the Wine Rack and Voila! She’s giving Pamela Anderson a run for the money.

Take a bottle of wine, a mixed drink or even a fifth of your favorite hard stuff to the movies, concerts, ball games, even PTA meetings. Sporting a rack that will turn heads and serving a beverage that will have guys standing in line for a sip of your secret stash!

With simple blow into the tube it's easy to keep that full look even as you drink from your secret stash.

Free liquor and bigger boobs? Everybody wins! Except for the people running the stadium. But don't worry about them. They eat babies.