Monday, January 25, 2010

Worst of the Weekend: Super quick hits edition

holy fuck the Bricks suck
Could the Knicks possibly upstage a 3-40 team for "Absolute Worst
of the Weekend" honors? I'll let this pic answer that question...

I traveled to Indianapolis this weekend to celebrate a buddy's 35th birthday, so Saturday was spent suffering from, ahem, flu-like symptoms, and then Sunday got gobbled up by visiting with Grandma Bawful and then watching the AFC and NFC championship games. So this week's WotW post is going to be a quick-hitter. That means 75 percent fewer penis and/or fart jokes. Sorry.


The Sacramento Kings Their 100-84 loss to the Magic in Orlando was Sacto's sixth straight loss. The Kingas have now lost 15 of 17 games since their 35-point comeback against the Bulls in Chicago. Both wins they have in this stretch came against the Denver Nuggets, who were without Chauncey Billups in the first game and minus Carmelo Anthony in the second.

Dallas Mavericks: After the Mavs lost to by double-digits to the Sixers in Philly, Dallas coach Rick Carlisle said: "They're a talented team, certainly better than their record." Ever notice how players and coaches on good teams always say stuff like this after they lose to a crappy team? By the way, All-Star Allen Iverson scored 11 points on 4-for-14 shooting, while fellow All-Star Dirk Nowitzki had 15 on 4-for-13 from the field.

The Washington Wizards Generals Bullets: So after winning by 30 and then losing by 39, the Heat beat the Bullets by 24 in Washington...and so their Bipolar Girlfriend Season continues. Meanwhile, David Stern is looking into changing Washington's team name to "the Struggling Wizards" for the rest of the season.

Said Andray Blatch: "They came into our home laughing, dunking and just making it seem like we shouldn't be on the same court as them. That should touch some people. It touched me." Added Antawn Jamison: "They came out aggressive, knocked us in the mouth and we just stood there and took it."

And yes, those quotes could come from virtually any games the Bullets have played this season. Speaking of quotes...

Mike Miller, quote machine: Seriously, any Washington player who utters phrases like "We've got a lot of firepower in that locker room" during this particular season...SHOULD BE SHOT. Get it?! Sorry, I was just channeling my inner Gilbert Arenas. Many thanks to Basketbawful reader Olivier K. for passing this quote along.

The Charlotte Bobcats: The 'Cats had had won nine of 10 -- including the last six to tie a franchise record -- and were coming off the biggest victory in team history (that 39-point blowout of the Heat I mentioned earlier). Those good times came to an end after their 103-89 loss to the Hawks in Atlanta. Said Charlotte coach Larry Brown: "We take bad shots and turn it over. That's incriminating." So's giving up 51+ percent shooting when defense is supposed to be your team's bread and butter.

The Boston Celtics: Let's just say that barely beating the Brandon Roy-less Frail Blazers at home in overtime in Keven Garnett's comeback didn't exactly make me think, "Yes! They're back!"

By the way, Basketbawful William W. wrote in with the following talking points from Blazers-Celtics:

1. Sheed's headband "style.". Get a photo of that. Complete with a "ball don't lie" if you get video.

2. Bayless leaving with a bum ankle. Blazers injury woes continue.

3. Refs hating on the Cs; especially the play where Fernandez tripped over his own teammate's foot and a foul was called on Rondo, trailing the play. You could tell from the position of the ref who called it he saw nothing. Rudy gets up and laughs. Replay was blatant. Heinson says "way to guess Ed".

4. Aldridge makes a bid for worst possesion of the year, jacking it with 4 on the shot clock from ~30 feet.

Paul Pierce, quote machine: Regarding Ray Allen's go-ahead three-pointer near the end of overtime: "Ray is one of the great shooters of all-time -- right behind me. I told him that in the huddle."

The Detroit Pistons: The final score (105-93) doesn't indicate how badly the Pistons played at home against the Pacers. It was a blowout. Said Detroit coach Kuester: "I'm very disappointed. We talked about this before the game, and it shouldn't have happened."

How disappointed was Kuester? Well, he got into a "heated exchange" with Tayshaun Prince during a fourth-quarter timeout. Said Prince: "Don't even ask me about that. Y'all will just change my words anyway."

One big, happy family.

Ben Gordon didn't play and Charlie Villanueva -- who after Detroit's recent win over the KG-less Celtics said, "Charlie V's here!" -- went 1-for-9 and finished with 3 points. So much for Joe Dumars' big offseason acquisitions. Way to spend $90 million, Joe.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: With the score tied and 3.5 seconds to play, James Posey took the inbound pass from Chris Paul, faked a handoff to Paul and then spun past Corey Brewer for the buzzer-beating layup that dropped the Timberpoops to 9-35 on the season.

Talk about deja vu all over again. According to the AP recap: "The play came two nights after he did the exact same thing with 1.1 seconds to play to beat the Memphis Grizzlies and was nearly identical to the one the Hornets beat the Timberwolves on back on Dec. 9. On that play, Paul inbounded to David West, before streaking to the hoops and taking a backdoor feed to give the Hornets a 97-96 win at Target Center."

Said Al Jefferson: "It's amazing we got beat with it twice. It was the same play, different option. Two games, two layups that were buzzer beaters."

Corey Brewer: See above.

The San Antonio Spurs: Tim Duncan barely missed scoring his 20,000th point in a home loss to the Jazz only to score it in a home loss to the Rockets. Bummer. By the way, those of you who asked why I wasn't giving the Spurs credit after back-to-back wins against the Lakers (who were shorthanded) and the Thunder? This is why.

Aaron Brooks: Regarding Duncan's historic moment: "You know what it was? He scored the basket and everyone yelled and it was like, 'Dang. Why's everybody yellin?' Did Eva [Longoria] come in or something?"

The New Jersey Nyets: The tragic comedy that is the 2009-2010 New Jersey Nyets continued with a 111-79 loss to the Golden State Warriors. Make it 3-39.

The Phoenix Suns: They basically conceded open jump shots to the Chicago Bulls, who attempted 69 of their 85 field goals from the outside. It worked. For the Bulls. Said Amar''''''e Stoudemire: "Chicago did the unexpected. They hit shots. Added Grant Hill: "Our game plan was to make them jump shooters and keep them out of the paint. For the most part, we did, and for the most part, they made their shots."

I know Chicago is one of the worst shooting teams in the league and everything, but when your entire defensive game plan is "Let them shoot jump shots and hope they keep missing," your strategy is kind of effed up.

Friday lacktivity update: How Chris maintains his pleasant disposition -- not to mention lacktion reporting -- during Sacramento's current fail streak is beyond me:

Heat-Bullets: Despite blocking four shots in 8:23, JaVale McGee fired off three blanks and took a foul to blast into the lacktion ledger tonight with a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Bucks-Raptors: Patrick O'Bryant is back to lacking it up a bit, as he negated a board and assist in 3:27 for the dinos with a foul and giveaway to earn himself a 2:1 Voskuhl!

Mavs-Sixers: Quinton Ross and Matt Carroll can now order a subscription to HDNet from their team owner, as they earned themselves vouchers of 3.1 trillion (3:05) and 1.2 trillion (1:12) respectively!!!!

Thunder-Grizzlies: Byron Mullens fouled once for the Thunder for a +1 suck differential in 4:53, as well as a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl. Although teammate Serge Ibaka brought down a pair of boards in 10:05, he also bricked thricely and dropped down two fouls with a giveaway for a 3:2 Voskuhl. And in what may be a record, Oklahoma City brought out a third Voskuhl ratio tonight, with Nick Collison negating five boards with five fouls and two losses of the rock for a 7:5 score in 17:54!

Hornets-Wolves: Sean Marks brought a Kiwi flavor to the lacktion report tonight by being the first New Zealander on the report this calendar year, with a +1 via foul in 2:12 for the insects that also counts as a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl. However, this paled in comparison to Ryan Gomes' epic extended line as starting forward for the Timberpoops - in 20:15 (possibly the longest lacktive single stint for ANYONE this year), he dropped four bricks (one from the Mary Tyler Moore statue) and was clotheslined by three fouls for a +7!!!!!!!!

Nyets-Warriors: As the mob from East Rutherford remains perfect for the decade, Chris Quinn once again made a mighty effort to lack for the second straight gfame, fouling and losing the rock once and tossing a brick from Lake Merritt for a +3 in 8:19.

The Sacramento Kings Their 115-84 loss to the Heat in Miami was Sacto's seventh straight loss. The Kingas have now lost 16 of 18 games since their 35-point comeback against the Bulls in Chicago. Both wins they have in this stretch came against the Denver Nuggets, who were without Chauncey Billups in the first game and minus Carmelo Anthony in the second.

Golden State Warriors: I know he's been playing better this season, but if I told you that Goran Dragic exploded for 18 points in the fourth quarter -- going 4-for-6 from the field, 3-for-5 on threes and 7-for-8 from the line -- you'd just know it happened against the Warriors, wouldn't you? Dragic also had 2 steals and blocked a breakaway layup attempt by C.J. Watson in that final period. Without even bothering to double-check, I'm going to go ahead and assume those were the first three defensive plays of his NBA career.

C.J. Watson: See above.

Don Nelson, quote machine: This is what Nellie had to say after the Suns made their fourth-quarter comeback with a lineup of a lineup of Dragic, Earl Clark, Channing Frye, Jared Dudley and Louis Amundson: "I have no complaints about what we did." This quote goes a long way toward explaining why the Warriors are 13-29.

The New Jersey Nyets: The tragic comedy that is the 2009-2010 New Jersey Nyets continued with a 116-83 loss to the Utah Jazz. Make it 3-40.

Some other random numbers: New Jersey went 0-4 on their Western Conference road trip, losing by an average of 22 points. THe Nyets are now 0-18 against the West and 1-23 on the road. New Jersey let the Jazz shoot over 60 percent for the game, got outscored 70-34 in the paint and 27-5 on fast break points, and was outrebounded 46-31.

Kiki Vandeweghe, quote machine: Regarding all those numbers I just listed: "Things like that happen and it's just unfortunate that we're not playing with enough effort to win a basketball game or come close."

The Minnesota Timberwolves: After losing to the Hornets on a buzzer-beating layup on Saturday night, the Timberpoops travelled to Milwaukee and got crushed 127-95. They have now lost seven of eight and 12 of their last 14 games. They are 9-36 on the season.

Whew! It's a good thing they fired Kevin McHale!

Said Minny coach Kurt "Clothesline" Rambis: "Our guys aren't able to sustain the energy, focus and intensity particular after coming off tough losses. They have a difficult time being able to muster up the energy." Sounds like a job for 5-Hour Energy, coach. Speaking of which...

5-Hour Energy Commercials: As most of you already know, I swear by this stuff...but they have pretty bawful commercials. I saw one of the bawful-est on Saturday. In it, some tired-looking dude downs the contents of a generic can labeled "Energy" and instantly transforms into a fat slob. The following disclaimer was immediately displayed at the bottom of the screen: "Appearance changes for comedic effect only, not to imply actual changes." I shit you not.

Thanks for the warning, 5-Hour Energy people. I was seriously afraid sipping from a Red Bull might turn me into that fat, bearded guy from The Hangover.

The Detroit Pistons: In a battle between two M.A.S.H. units, the Frail Blazers came out on top...which is kind of sad since Portland was missing more and better players than the Pistons were. It's especially damning because the Pistons were playing the second of back-to-back home games, whereas the Frail Blazers had to travel to Detroit after three starters logged 40+ minutes during the previous night's overtime loss in Boston.

The Pistons were down 56-42 at halftime before rallying to lose by only 4 they had that going for them, which is nice. But it would have been nicer if, you know, they could have played hard for two halves instead of one. Said Charlie Villanueva: "I don't know what it is. I can't really put my finger on it but we showed a lot of fight in that second half, which is encouraging. If we play like that a whole game, I am telling you we are tough to beat."

Then play like that the whole game, okay? Problem solved.

Fun extra: According to the game recap, Steve Blake led the Blazers with zero blocked shots.

The Associated Press: Check out the first line form the Sixers-Pacers AP game recap: "Allen Iverson's 'team first' approach with the Philadelphia 76ers has earned him respect from his teammates and fans."


The Indiana Pacers: Losing by 10 points at home to a crappy team like Philly is what you'd call "a bad sign." So is committing 21 turnovers. But what can you expect when the coach is saying bull poopy like this...

Jim O'Brien, excuse machine: "Our guys played exhausted and we got outplayed, no question about it. Our guys are exhausted and they should be. We just played a five-week schedule that is taxing."

Because...nobody else in the NBA plays a taxing schedule?

The Houston Rockets: The Bulls entered the game 5-15 on the road and 2-7 on the second night of back-to-back games. Plus, they found out Joakim Noah couldn't play about 10 minutes before tipoff. Should have been an easy win for the Rockets, right? Only Chicago shot 53 percent from the field (including 58 percent from downtown), held Houston to 40 percent shooting and won 104-97. And Brad Miller owned the Rockets. Yes, Brad Miller. Yes, owned. Starting in place of Noah, Miller scored a season-high 25 points in only 26 minutes, going 9-for-14 from the field, 2-for-2 from downtown and 5-for-5 from the line.

Mind you, Miller declared "legally immobile" back in November.

New York Jets fans: Somehow, in one short evening, Jets fans replaced Lakers fans as the "Fanbase I would Most Like to Kick Squah In Duh Nuts." They decended on downtown Indy en masse, dissing Colts fans and basically acting like complete jackasses. I probably could have overlooked all that if they hadn't driven me and my buddies out of our go-to bar by sheer force of numbers. I think I heard enough chants of "J-E-T-S! JETS!!" to destroy large sections of my brain. On the up side, I did come this close to talking a hot waitress into spiking the drinks of every Jets fan in her bar for the rest of the night. Like, she was chewing on her necklace and really thinking about it. The funny thing is, when we were discussing what she'd put in their drinks, she said she'd feel morally better about spiking them with dirty kitty litter than her own spit. That's...kind of backwards, right?

Saturday lacktivity update: Regarding Chris: See above.

Sixers-Pacers: Rodney Carney clubbed a foul for a +1 suck differential in 2:38.

Kings-Heat: Miami brought forth two bawful big men tonight, with Joel Anthony countering two boards in 18:24 with three fouls and two lost opportunities at charity for a 3:2 Voskuhl, and Jamaal Magloire negated a board with three fouls and two bricks for a 3:1 Voskuhl in 7:12.

Blazers-Pistons: In the Not So Anticipated Rematch of the 1990 NBA Finals, Austin Daye dropped a brick on a Woodward Avenue cruise and added two fouls for a +3 in 4:11.

Bulls-Rockets: Jannero Pargo twiddled with his thumbs on a Nintendo DS for 1.1 seconds at the end of the first half, earning a Super Mario!!! For Clutch the Bear's theme, Chuck Hayes negated a field goal and assist in 9:51 with three fouls and a giveaway for a 4:2 Voskuhl. (Thanks to AnacondaHL for discovering Play-By-Play, which

Wolves-Bucks: Since the Timberpoops seem to bark away from wins, they instead have taken a bite into the ledger - at least the Voskuhl segment for Ryan Hollins (7:1 ratio in 8:52 by countering a free throw and assist with a foulout and giveaway) and Oleskiy Pecherov (4:2 ratio in 5:07 by negating two boards with a pair each of fouls and giveaways).

Nyets-Jazz: Despite three boards in 8:36, Kosta Koufos made the ledger with four turnovers and a foul for a 5:3 Voskuhl.

Crabs-Thunder: UPDATE from Will in comments - a two trillion (2:02) previously unnoticed by myself, by the equally unnoticed Cedric "Lacktion II: Electric Boogaloo" Jackson! Could this be Darnell's long-lost brother of non-productivity!?

The New York Knicks: A 50-point home loss? To a Dallas Mavericks team missing two starters (Jason Kidd and Erick Dampier)? Yes. Yes. Sweet Jesus, yes.

The Bricks suffered their worst home loss at Madison Square Garden ever, and the second-worst loss in franchise history. The worst was a 62-point loss to the Syracuse Nationals (now the Philadelphia 76ers) on Christmas Day 1960. Said Mike D'Antoni: "They took our heart out of us."

No kidding.

Seriously, does anyone still think LeBron is going to sign with the Knicks this summer?

The Washington Wizards Generals Bullets: If the Clippers were going to break their eight-game road losing streak, they were going to need to visit the Bullets, Nyets or Timberpoops. Fortunately for them, they spent Sunday in D.C. and came away with a 92-78 win.

Replied Antawn: "It's not like we're doing it on purpose. If I knew the answer to it, the solution to it, it would have been done a long time ago. We preach about it before every game, and we still get the same results."

The Los Angeles Lakers: If somebody was going to ask me what could possibly impove a sports day in which my two favorite NFL teams made the Super Bowl, I would probably say something about the Lakers losing. And that's what I got! Hedo Turkoglu got fouled with 1.2 seconds left and hit the ensuing freebies to give the Toronto Craptors a 106-105 win over the defending champs. Meanwhile, Pau Gasol -- the man who fouled Hedo -- was left to bitch and moan in his very own special, marshmallowy way: "It was a questionable call. I don't think I pushed him at all. My arm was on his back but I never pushed him. A tough call at a critical part of the game."

Just a hint, Pau. If you don't want a foul called, you probably shouldn't have your arm on somebody, whether your pushing him or not. By the way, Basketbawful reader Czerbobog asked me to give Gasol and Bynum special mention for this.

The Lakers are now 5-5 in their last 10 road games.

(Chris: And apparently no less an authority than Chris Kaman thinks that Gasol shouldn't be an allstar!!!!!!)

Kobe Bryant: This nomination comes from Lord Kerrance:

I was at the Raptors/Lakers game last night, and let me tell you, it was a Kobe Klassic. During the first half, Kobe drew doubles, made passes and racked up 8 assists. But the Raptors tied the game with a little left in the second quarter, so guess who took (and to be fair, made) the last three shots of the quarter?

The second half was all Kobe. After sitting out the first half of the 3rd quarter, Kobe came back in and did what he does: forced up shots against double teams and carped on the officials. Highlights included protesting a non-call by sitting on the offensive baseline and letting his teammates play 4 on 5 defence at the other end, ignoring a WIDE open Bynum under the hoop to go 1 on 2 against Bargnani and Wright, and doing the same to Farmar in the corner on a different possesion. After finishing the first half with 8 assists, Kobe's final tally was 9.
Chris Bosh: In the first quarter, the RuPaul of Big Men tipped a Gasol miss into his own basket. I imagine he might have taken some heat for that had the Craptors gone on to lose by one instead of winning by a point.

Vikings-Saints: You'd think a game featuring two of the top three teams in the league that ended 31-28 in overtime would have been pretty fun to watch. And if that's the case, you'd be totally wrong. Dear God in heaven, this game was ugly. Between all the dumb penalties, ridiculous turnovers and each team's inability to capitalize on the other team's mistakes, I was seriously wondering whether anybody actually wanted to win this one. By the way, everybody is going to talk about Brett Favre's interception near the end of regulation, but Favre -- whom the Saints almost killed with brutal hits throughout the game -- was the only reason Minnesota was even in this one. Adrian Peterson sucked all kinds of ass. Yes, he ran in a few short TDs, but the dude was straight up awful. I cannot stress this enough.

Boo ya for the city of New Orleans, by the way. Speaking as someone who visited the city about six months after Hurricane Katrina, it is literally impossible to overstate how catastrophic the damage done to that city was. I've seen less depressing scenes in zombie apocalypse movies. It seriously looked like 20 Godzillas stomped their way through the city, Giant Monsters All Out Attack-style. I don't usually go for cheesy storylines, but seeing the Saints make the Super Bowl made me a little misty-eyed, and not only because I have a man crush on Drew Brees. The Saints helped save the hearts of New Orleans citizens during as bad time as any U.S. city has ever suffered through. It's really nice to see fate throw them a bone. It helped, of course, that the San Diego Chargers and Miami Dolphins were stupid enough to let Brees slip through their fingers.

The San Diego Chargers and Miami Dolphins: See above.

Things I never, ever, ever want to think about: Basketbawful reader Jonathan Chuongco sent in the link to this injury report that lists Sebastian Telfair as out with a RUPTURED GROIN. If you need me any time in the next two hours, I'll be huddled in the corner with my hands cupping my crotch.

Sunday lacktivity update: One last quick hitter from Chris:

Clippers-Bullets: Steve Novak fired off a response to Dominic McGuire's recent lacktion hot streak, keeping himself in the Association lead for non-productivity with the help of fellow plumber DeAndre Jordan. Novak and Jordan appeared as Mario Brothers with sints of 10 and 17 seconds respectively!

For the folks from within the Beltway, Fabricio Oberto plinked a foul for a +1 suck differential in 6:10 that also earned a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl, while Tiny Earl Boykins tossed a brick from Farragut Square for his own +1 in 3:57.

Lakers-Raptors: Sasha Vujacic took a singular foul for a +1 in 1:29.

No comments:

Post a Comment