Bawful After Dark: All-Star Weekend

Is Mark Cuban ready for his appearance in the Celebrity Game?
OH YEAAAAAAAAH
(Via Andy Gray's SI Vault)
It's All-Star Weekend! Yes, it's that special time when teams get a few days off to reflect on how screwed they are this year and next because they're saddled with awful contracts (I'm looking at you, Eddy Curry)

If you haven't already done so, make sure you check out our 2010 Null-Star Game post, complete with video of an entire game full of lacktion. It's probably more entertaining than any of the stuff that'll be on TNT Saturday.

Bawful Trade of the Day:
Despite popular opinion, Mike T would like you to know that Joe Dumars is an evil genius:

Little did John Hollinger know that Joe Dumars was thinking 18 steps ahead when he drafted Darko ahead of Melo and traded Chauncey for the Canswer.

His plan all along was to overpay Rip, Charlie V and Ben Gordon so that their contracts added up to within $4,912 of the combined contracts of Chauncey and Melo.

Dumars planned all along to let Melo mature as a player and then let him play with Chauncey for awhile until they were familiar with each other and then, and only then, would he make the move to get them in a package deal.

This trade adds 15 wins to Detroit and takes 18 wins from Denver. In the coming days, Dumars will once again prove that he is the best GM who ever lived. Shame on all of us for questioning him and suggesting that he lucked out on many of his past moves or saying that he only won with Larry Brown's team.

If my prediction does not come true by the trade deadline, it will only be because Dumars has justifiably decided to be frugal and save his owner the additional $4,912 that they would have to pay Melo and Chauncey in this deal.

Navin had the brilliant idea to work Ricky Davis into a trade involving Curry and Darko:

Cleveland valiantly tries to reconstruct the 2007 Cavs (plus Ricky Davis playing the role of the Ghost of LeBron's Past Crappy Teams) with this mega-trade.

Don't laugh, this was a team that went to the Finals!

Oh, and Shaq goes to the Bricks for Eddy "I wonder if the ball is edible" Curry and Darko "I'm Better than Melo" Milicic.

Somehow this only costs the Cavs one win.

Hogey brings us breaking news of a fake trade:

In breaking news, Isaiah Thomas has placed a bomb in Madison Square Garden and has threatened to blow it up if he is not given another chance as GM of the storied franchise.

Isaiah reportedly phoned James Dolan to issue the threat this morning, telling Mr Dolan that the Knicks' plan to lure Lebron James away from Cleveland was "fool's gold" and that cap space was "worthless if you can't fill it".

Isaiah claims to have already brokered a trade that he believes "will make the Knicks relevant again, effective immediately, by acquiring a dominant post threat and an elite point guard."

Our sources indicate that this is the trade:

Knicks get: Elton Brand (dominant post threat), Gilbert Arenas (elite point guard)
Wizards get: Larry Hughes (Welcome back Larry!!)
Philadelphia gets: Nate Robinson (Iverson 2.0?) and Eddy Curry (a fantastic replacement for Brand)

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Stan Van Gundy Caption This!
(Why is it every single SVG pic demands a caption contest?)

High five!

So, when did they replace Gregg Popovich with Donald Sutherland?

And you thought Tim Duncan was the only Spur with awesome faces

Okay, I have no idea what the Cavs bench is doing here

Nationally Televised Friday Games:
Celebrity Game, 7pm ET, ESPN: The poor man's version of the MTV Rock 'n' Jock game. We will get to see Mark Cuban participate. Also, we will get to see Michael Rapaport deluded into thinking he's a "celebrity" once again.

Rookie/Sophomore Game, 9pm ET, TNT: At halftime, we will be treated to the Slam Dunk-In. Think of it like the play-in game for the 64th seed in the NCAA March Madness tournament. Possibly exciting, but ultimately completely and totally irrelevant.

NBA D-League Dream Factory Friday Night, 10ET, NBA.com live stream: "An innovative skills competition modeled after the popular NBA All-Star Saturday Night..." You know, except less good.

Nationally Televised Saturday Games:
NBA D-League All-Star Game, 3pm ET, NBATV: Yay?

H.O.R.S.E. presented by Geico, 7pm ET, TNT: From what I understand, they won't be playing with the letters "G-E-I-C-O" this year. I can't decide if this makes it more or less awesome. Then again, this year's competitors are Rajon Rondo, Omri Casspi, and last year's winner Kevin Durant, so I'm not that giddy with anticipation anyhow. To knock Rondo out, they just have to shoot jumpers or free throws... (Seriously, Rondo, I love your game, but learn to shoot, man!)

Haier Shooting Stars competition, 8:30 ET, TNT: Different shots from different locations? It's like a grown-up version of those pop-a-shot arcade machines where the backboard and rim move! Can you win tickets and redeem them for awesome cheaply-made prizes?

Taco Bell Skills Challenge, 8:30 ET, TNT: Despite what you might think, making it to the toilet on-time after a surprise case of the runs is not part of the Taco Bell skills challenge.

Foot Locker Three-Point Contest, 8:30 ET, TNT: Bring Larry Bird out of retirement to defend his title and then I'll definately tune in. Come on, NBA, there's still time to do it!

Sprite Slam Dunk, 8:30 ET, TNT: Your competitors? Nate Robinson, Gerald Wallace, Shannon Brown, Eric Gordon, and DeMar DeRozan. You know, just in case you had any lingering thoughts that the dunk contest might somehow still be relevant.

Nationally Televised Sunday Games:
NBA All-Star Game, 8pm ET, TNT: The best part of this game? The Eastern Conference coach will be Stan Van Gundy. That roughly triples the entertainment value of this game.