Worst of the Night: 1.) Celtics 2.) Celtics 3.) Celtics

It's tough to watch such a thorough beat down of your favorite team, and even tougher to write about it afterward. So, with Bawful needing a break from a "How about those crappy Celtics?" post, it is left to me to handle the duties. So...

How about those crappy Celtics?


A left arm frowny-face tattoo is gonna look so bad. Sniff.

I had the (honor / misfortune) of actually being there (my dad came into town to treat me and my oldest son to the game) and I must say, it was a pure end-to-end crap fest from a Boston fan's point of view. Games like that are tough to interpet: How much of it was the Celtics' being flat, uninspired, not wanting to get injured, and disinterested because it's not a playoff game, and how much of it was that they were simply outclassed?

If you have the game on DVR, check this out:
There's a play that occurs just before the time out with 2:49 left in the first quarter where I think Jeff Green actually thinks he's on defense during an offensive possession. I can't confirm it - it's a close call, but I swear for a good second or two, he's actually trying to stay with his own defender. Seriously. For me, that's the only part of the game that stands out - that's how bad the Celtics were.


This was last night's rebounding:
Bulls aggressively ripping the ball away from...other Bulls.

News flash:
Derrick Rose is a beast. There were at least five plays on which the entire United Center crowd collectively twisted in their seats and threw up their arms like an entourage at a slum-dunk contest. He is the MVP, entourage homie hands down. I got into a little argument with my dad that went like this:

Evil Ted Creator (ETC): "The Bulls offense is great."
Evil Ted Creator Spawn (Evil Ted): "Well, Derrick Rose is great. The rest are good, solid role players."
ETC: "That's ridiculous. A team isn't 1 player and 4 players. It's five players."
ET: "Well, Rose is both and amazing scorer and facilitor, and if you take him off this team, it's mediocre."
ETC: "Again, ridiculous. The fact is, Derrick Rose is on this team, so you can't take him off it like you have in this fictional situation of yours. He's on it, and the offense is great."
ET (lower lip quivering): "I'm just saying..."
ETC: "As your father, I have deemed your opinion crap. My advanced years are irrefutable proof that I am correct and you are an ass. Write that in your buddy's little blog."
ET (sobbing): "Maybe...I...will."
ETC: "Go get me a hot dog...mustard, relish, onions, and Evil Ted tears on it."
ET: "I'm your son. Could you just call me Ted?"
ETC: "No. Tonight you're evil. Begone."

So if you're wondering where I get my edge from, there ya go. But I'll just work through that in therapy. Let's get back to the game...

Aaaaanyway, when a team like the Mavs give up 110 points, we at Basketbawful like to write "_allas Mavericks" to indicate a lack of D. But there's no "D" in Boston Celtics, and maybe it's appropriate that you don't have to alter their name have an absence of "D." The Celtics' Defense was abyssmal, and Rose's mastery in the lane is no more certain indicator that the Celtics will need both O'Neals healthy to make a deep playoff run.

Half time tribute to Scottie Pippen:
Bulls announcer Neil Funk introduced John Paxson, who introduced Scottie Pippen and his family, who were on hand for the unveiling of a bust of...what I can only assume is Scottie's cousin dressed in a Pippen jersey.


Scottie's Cousin Snottie

UPDATE:
D. Highmore commented: Is it wrong that the first thing to pop into my head when I saw that Pippen bust was the video for Lionel Richie's "Hello"?

At first, I thought "Is that what Lionel Richie looked like at the time?" And then I realized "Hello" was that video about the blind girl student who sculpts the face of her adoring perv teacher out of clay, and says: "This is how I see you." So fitting, D. Highmore, well done. The Pippen statue, and the student's scupture, and the music video itself all have one thing in common: being simultaneously well-intentioned and yet very, very creepy. The clay likeness of Lionel Richie rears its ugly head, literally, at the 4:56 mark, but I recommend watching this vid in its entirety for full spine-tingling impact:



Anyway, Scottie made a classy, albeit brief and generic, speech. So good for him. Being immortalized (or at least your cousin being immortalized) is awesome by any standard. Speaking of which, if any of you are sculptors, I'm looking to commission an Evil Ted bust to be unveiled this summer at LarryLand.

As for the second half, it was barely worthy of discussion:


The red hairy one played the entire fourth quarter.

It's really depressing to be at a game and realize "Well, at home, this is about the time I would turn off the TV and go do something else," but not be able to do so.

Then there's the inevitable bathroom stop after the game, and being subjected to random "Boston Sucks" and "Fuck Boston" shout outs. I wasn't wearing any Celtics regalia at the game, and generally avoid doing so. Outside this Web site, I'm not big on drawing attention to myself, particularly when said attention could result in fisticuffs with a drunken fan of an opposing team. I just smile, high five, and silently wish a slow, painful death on those around me - standard stuff.

It will be interesting to see if the Celtics have another gear for the playoffs, like they did last season. They're a veteran bunch, and the playoffs are a different animal, but by all accounts, this should have been a game where both teams were in a playoff mentality, trying to send a message to the other in anticipation of said playoffs.

Last night, both teams sent a message, but only Bulls fans went away satisfied by what they heard.

Evil Ted Live Blog: Celtics / Spurs

UPDATE: To all you Kevin McHale lovers out there...I spent my formative years in Boston during a time when you didn't have the full basketball story until you heard it from, first, Larry Bird, and second, Kevin McHale. In the 80's, reporters would flock to Larry, and then Kevin, after a big game. And Kevin never disappointed. So my Kevin McHale expectations are pretty damn high. Doesn't mean I don't like him. It means I expect a lot from him. After being a front office guy for so many years, the relaxed, easygoing, shoot-from-the-hip McHale is now stiff and uncertain in front of the camera. He is not the KM I adored lo so many years ago. I think he has the potential to be great (much in the way that Barkley is great, or in the way Conan O'Brien, who in his first year as a talk show host was awful, became at ease in the limelight, and turned his tall, angular frame into a comedic asset rather than a freak-show detriment). Yes, I'm making fun of Kevin, but it's just tongue-in-cheek. Stay cool, my babies, as Conan would say. My criticism comes from love, and the sincere hope that he can return to being what he once was.

Ok, enough of this smarmy love letter. On to the Live Blog.

*********************

Here's your Kevin McHale-style intro to this live blog:
Let's play ball, folks!

Commentators: Kevin Harlan / Kevin McHale

When did Kevin McHale (heretofore referred to as the “personality drain,” and “KM”) become uncool? I remember like 25 years ago he did some promotional appearance at Bank Five in Arlington, Massachusetts, and there was nobody there to see him. I could have talked to him for an hour, but I was a doofy teenager and didn’t have the nerve, and didn’t have anything to say. Now I feel like Kevin and my “something to say” roles are reversed:

His opening analysis? “Both teams want to win this game tonight.” Brilliant.

Winning! Duh.

God, I still wish I had found the nerve to chat with him 25 years ago, or at least managed to build a time machine so that my 40-year-old self could chat it up with him. Oh, well, today’s Kevin will have to do. One thing I did gain from doing this live blog is the realization that he can be funny and enlightening if you:
- Squint really hard.
- Pay close attention to what he says, then immediately disregard it and make up your own commentary.
- Imagine Bill Walton in his place.

1st quarter

11:05 – Pierce gets called for his first foul for letting Tony Parker run into, and fall onto, him.

10:50 – KG jumper rattles in.

10:11 – KG gets called on a moving pick on Ginobili, who “sells it well” according to the personality drain. McHale points out that Ginobili was voted second-best flopper in the league. I saw that in my Sports Illustrated, so Kevin only gets a ½ point for “enlightening comment.” Number one vote getter in that flop contest? Derek Fisher. True enough, but Ginobili is still the most creative and versatile flopper, and he has the best flop video dedicated to him.

9:20 – Pierce tries to go up for a weak dunk off a rebound. Duncan stops the shot effortlessly, making Pierce look like a runt amateur.

8:54 – Glen Davis with a nice little 8-foot hook shot. The C’s would be dead without his ability to play taller than he is. And his ability to exude emotion that goes way beyond what is necessary.


7:43 – Rondo hits his second consecutive jumper. Wow. Are the planets aligned or something? Moon full?

Celtics 15 – Spurs 15

Jermaine O'Neal is in the game. Apparently he’s 12 pounds lighter to keep the extra weight off his knees. This may not seem like much, but I recently learned that every pound lost supposedly takes 4 pounds of weight off the knees. Seems like BS – not sure if it’s true, but it sounds good. I was watching some cable show called HEAVY about morbidly obese people trying to lose weight (did you know one-third of all shows on TV are now about morbidly obese people trying to lose weight? True fact), and the doctor told this enormous woman that very thing. Maybe he was just feeding her lines to make her feel better (and because she needed to be fed something). The doctor said something nice to her to encourage continued weight loss, but it would have been so awesome if instead he said something like “You’ve gone from 375 pounds to 345 pounds, Melinda. So before, it was like you were carrying the weight of the Eiffel Tower on your knees, but now, it’s like you’re carrying the weight of a...well...slightly smaller Eiffel Tower.”

Unintentionally dirty KM line of the evening: “I’m excited about O’Neal’s shape.”

4:28 – Parker slices through some we-can’t-play-defense-because-Perk-is-gone-even-though-he-was-injured-most-of-the-season-anyway-and-well-really-we’re-just-using-it-as-an-excuse-to-conserve-energy-and-limp-into-the-playoffs Celtics’ defense.

Spurs 21-17

3:32 – George Hill 3-pointer.

3:06 – Delonte West jumper. Can almost imagine him saying “I’m contributing!” in an over-excited, Downs Syndromy voice.

2:27 – Parker drives, gets foul call. KM is calling him “the best guard finisher since Nate ‘Tiny’ Archibald.” Is KM looking to compete with Bill Walton for the crown of King of Overstatement?

1:50 – Pierce follows a Rondo miss with an aggressive rebound between two spurs, hits the shot, foul call. Pierce asks for new ball to free throw, because it’s wet with sweat. KM provides a wonderful things-most-people-can’t identify-with comment: “Get my golf towel.”

:42 – Rondo with great, hanging up and under layup. KM comments that Rondo is “the best guard finisher since Tony Parker.” No he didn’t. Just kidding.

2nd quarter

11:11 – Ginobili three pointer

Spurs – 36-31

8:56 – Jeff Green follows his own miss. Teammates collectively give him a nice-shot-but-we’re-still-mourning-the-loss-of-Kendrick-Perkins look.

Movie ad Alert: The dragon-and-flagon comedy Your Highness. What is promising: Danny McBride is in it. Not Promising: “From the makers of Pineapple Express.” Marketers are actually using this as a selling point? Did they see Pineapple Express? I did. In the theater. It was a Date Night movie, and I picked it. Paid money and everything. When it was over, I had to look at my wife and say, simply, “Sorry.” So I would revise the ad to say “From the makers of Pineapple Express, but don’t worry – they learned from it, and this is way better, and not 20 minutes too long.”

6:35 – Ginobili makes KG look silly, faking a pass inside around KG’s right flank, turning KG full around, and hitting a layup over him. KM calls it the “Larry Bird Okeydoke” – and says “I always used to fall for that in practice.” I’m starting to realize what KM has decided his commentator “thing” is – self-deprecation. This will come up again later.

4:56 – Rondo goes coast to coast – then gets T’d up for “excessive hand gesturing.” Question: can you give a ref the finger and get the same call? Because I think flipping the bird would really be getting your money’s worth.

4:37 – Nenad Krstic pokes the ball from Duncan. Apparently, he can, in fact, play defense…against old men.

2:19 – The Lord giveth (in the form of Jermaine O’Neal), and the Lord taketh away. Krstic goes down with mysterious, disturbing no-contact knee injury. The other Celtics show zero emotion about the loss. There is a brief shot of Rondo on the bench twisting a needle into the knee of a Nenad Krstic Voodoo doll. I think this development could actually be good for the Celtics – with all their depression over losing the well-liked Perkins, is it helpful to have him replaced by a big, balding, European who plays mediocre defense, good offense, and can hit his free throws? He’s like the anti-Perkins, and a constant off-putting reminder of the trade. Krstic and Perkins are complete polar opposites, alike only in that English is their second language.

Half – 49-49

Halftime comment: My appreciation of Kevin McHale automatically rises ten-fold at the sight of brand new TNT commentator, Rick Fox. His slicked back hair and annoying good looks scream L.A., and yeah, I know he was a Celtic for a while, but he was overrated, and always had that God-I-wanna-play-in-LA look about him. And what kind of world do we live in where appearing on Dancing with the Stars is an effective springboard to career rejuvenation?Although I must admit, I love you, Ralph Macchio.

3rd Quarter

10:58 – Parker drives the lane and finishes for what seems like the tenth time. I’m starting to think his guy is the best finisher since Tiny Archibald.

9:08 – Glen Davis rebounds Allen miss, hits patented undersized-but-somehow-can-finish layup.

Unintentionally dirty KM quote #2: “That was a nice rim-run by Davis.”

8:20 – McDyess leaves with what appears to be an ankle sprain.

7:31 – After great Rondo finish, Parker right back for an And One, getting the foul call on Glen Davis.

6:34 – Bonner hits his second three in a row.

Spurs – 65-61

5:08 – Rondo defensive rebound, full length pass to Green for a lay up.

4:10 – Rondo jumper falls. Startling to see Rondo nailing outside shots. It’s like watching a panda juggle. 67 apiece.

3:45 – Rondo coast to coast, layup under Bonner’s armpit. KM calls it the “Right Guard shot.”

3:12 – Rondo jumper. KM proclaims: “It’s the Rondo show.” This is the same man who essentially said that it’s not a problem that Rondo can’t hit jumpers, because defenders lay off him and give him better looks at driving and passing lanes. Interesting theory, but Rondo is showing that actually hitting jumpers is kind of an effective tool for a guard to have.

1:46 / 1:17 – Jeff Green hits two difficult, contested lay-ups, shows why the Celtics wanted him. He has 8 points…4 of 6 from the floor.

Shot of Rondo sucking wind and drinking water on the bench after carrying the C’s for several minutes.

:14 – Ginobili makes nice move for lay up. KM calls it the Euro-step, which is essentially a side step that looks a little like traveling. KM’s self-deprecation rises from the ooze. “I’d pull a groin if I tried that.” And then adds that if he were an official, he’d be a crap one: “I’d call a travel on that all the time.”

4th quarter

McDyess is back.

Celtics – 79-70

10:40 – George Hill gets called for being out of bounds. He’s out by a foot. KM leans on the self-dep: “Even I coulda made that call and got it right. I’d be a bad ref too, by the way.”

KM notes they’ve put Ginobili on Rondo to put some size on him.

9:46 – Ginobili snakes in for a nice floater. KM: “It's almost Manu time.”

9:15 – Glen Davis and KG lock arms make a giant, football-style wedge screen for Rondo to shoot. KM says: “Look at the big green wall!” and he’s not even at Fenway. Who’d a thunk the C’s would be working to get Rondo to take a jumper?

Celtics – 86-78

7:44 – Allen hits big three. Big for him, as he’s been terrible tonight.

Celtics’ Defense is picking up. Must be the absence of that distracting anti-Perk European dude.

5:15 – Another Rondo jumper. 22 points, 0 turnovers. Not a typo. 0.

4:32 – After Glen Davis jumper to make it 93-81, see a brief glimpse of what appears to be the sexiest Celtics fan ever. Rewind DVR…not as good as I thought, but I was fooled by the form fitting lady-version Celtics jersey. Lady Jerseys. Best. Invention. Ever.

4:20 – Tim Duncan rises over Big Baby, who isn’t big enough to stop a grown man. KM states: “Big Baby did everything he could, besides grow.” Funny. Yay, old-style Kevin. Duncan has 9 in the quarter. Swallows a fly on one of his jumpers.


4:00 – KG jumper, which is deadly tonight – he’s 7 of 9

2:52 – Pierce drives, misses, rebounds own miss and puts it in. Big play.

2:19 – KG money jumper. Celtics: 99-90

1:46 – KG money jumper: Celtics: 101-92

Unintentional dirty quote from Harlan: “What a stroke for Kevin Garnett!”

1:29 – Rondo to Big Baby for reverse lay up. Celtics: 103-92. Game over.

Duncan called for goaltending. Game overer.

1:24 – Rondo shooting freethrows. KM calls it “Hack a Rondo” time. But Rondo doesn’t touch the ball from this point.

Rondo 22 points, 14 assists, 0 turnovers, 5 rebounds.

The game sign off sounds a little like an Airplane movie bit:

“Good working with you, Kevin.”
“Good working with you too, Kevin.”
“We have clearance, Clarence.”
“Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?”
“Tower's radio clearance, over!”
“That's Clarence Oveur. Over.”
“Over.”
“Roger.”
“Huh?”

Update:

This Division III guy is only 3 inches taller than me. Talented bastard. After his youtube dunk vid went viral, he proceeded to win the NCAA dunk contest. Props, homey.



Oh, and this mass hysteria happened. Hate everybody's behavior in this vid...Blake doing his best Manu Ginobili impression, Terry not letting it go, Barnes being one serious street thug who needs to be in every altercation. After the game, a guy in the parking lot was arguing with a hot dog vendor about the cost of a weiner, and Barnes went out and got involved in that too:

Bawful After Dark: Trade Deadline Apocalypse Edition

Gordon Hayward explores the possibility of a transition to football if this whole basketball thing doesn't work out
Real life has (unfortunately) interrupted my ability to track all the insane trade deadline action this year. (Boston's moves alone would have required four hours of typing I think) I'll let you guys talk about it in the comments. But in the meantime, I WILL share this with you: an amazing letter Dr. Dre wrote to his then-girlfriend/now-wife back in 1995. (Via Jamie Mottram) All I know is that I wish I was bad enough to end a letter "Wish I was up in that ass."

Oh, and congratulations Memphis. You have managed to be even more bawful than I ever could have dreamed. Way to miss the trade deadline while updating your Facebook and Twitter feeds, guys.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Javale McGee's weak shit = OUT OF HERE.

No matter how bad things get, at least I'm not a Generals fan

Aha! So it IS true! Marc Gasol is really just a giant pufferfish in a basketball jersey!

This pretty much sums up why this blog exists

The result of Carmelo eating a Caramello

Bryan Colangelo didn't respond well to being made fun of earlier today by us

Nationally Televised Games:
Heat at Bulls, TNT, 8pm: Hey Bulls players, please play some defense before Tom Thibodeau pops a blood vessel and/or his voice gets any more hoarse.

Celtics at Nuggets, TNT, 10:30pm: Watch out, Celtics. The Nuggets are finally ready to play -- they've acquired Kosta Koufos!!!

Also, trading away Kendrick Perkins means two or three fewer moving pick violations per game. So that's nice. Too bad the rest of their money-saving trades are like getting a Tiger Electronics handheld game instead of a Gameboy.

Worst of the Night: January 10, 2011

Pictured: A guy who went 1-for-7 from the field last night.
The Boston Celtics: After the Celtics had an offensive meltdown in Chicago last Saturday -- on a night in which the Bulls outrebounded them 48-27 -- Paul Pierce said: "They wanted it more truthfully. They got all the loose balls. They attacked it."

That's the Truth. The Bulls did want it more. The same could be said of the Houston Rockets last night. The result was the same, a loss for the Celts, this time a 108-102 setback in Boston that dropped them out of first place in the Eastern Conference.

And, really, that's the biggest things the Celtics miss without Kevin Garnett. It's not the scoring or the rebounding or even the defense. It's the manic desire KG has to win every game. It's contagious. Without him, the Leprechauns have a tendency to coast against lesser teams.

The Rocketeers definitely qualify as a lesser team. They entered the game 16-21 overall and only 6-14 on the road. Meanwhile, Boston was 28-8 and 16-2 at home.

Didn't matter. Didn't matter that Houston was without Yao Ming, Brad Miller and Kevin Martin. Didn't matter that Rajon Rondo had 12 assists, or that Ray Allen was icy-hot (19 points, 8-for-13, 2-for-2 from downtown), or that Marquis Daniels provided a big spark off the bench (19 points, 7-for-8, 7 rebounds, 2 steals and an assist). Didn't matter that the Celtics outscored the Rockets 48-22 in the paint, either.

Houston won the rebounding battle 38-31 and shot nearly 53 percent from the field (including 10-for-20 from beyond the arc) against the league's best FGP defense. (Although, minus Garnett, that stat could be a bit spurious.) They scored 58 points in the second half.

Doc Rivers is justifiably worried about his team starting to coast. After all...it's only January.

Said Doc: "I've got to somehow figure out a way of getting them to see the urgency of the whole season, and not the single game. Playing Game Seven on the road ... and not just in the finals, if you make it there, but in the playoffs, in the East, which is going to be difficult. This year's not like last year, where you can coast. If you don't have home court this year, you could go home."

So if you were wondering whether Rivers has been coaching for the league's best record, the answer is yes.

According to the AP game recap, "Paul Pierce...sat at his locker after the game, still in his game shorts, staring at a stat sheet before crumpling it up and tossing it on the floor."

That's an unhappy Truth.

Said Pierce: "These games mean a lot. We have to put our hard hats on and take advantage of it. It has to come from everybody. They have to look at themselves and ask themselves, 'Are we giving enough as a team?'"

In related news, Pierce went 5-for-12 and finished with more fouls (4) and turnovers (2) than rebounds (3) and assists (2).

By the way, the last time the C's lost at home was to the Kevin Durant-less Oklahoma City Thunder. Another home loss was to the Cavaliers...right after beating the Heat in Miami. So maybe getting fired up for lesser teams in a problem regardless of whether Garnett plays.

Said Rivers: "This game had nothing to do with Kevin Garnett. It's a mental mindset, and it starts with me."

Wait..."mental mindset"...?

If I was playing, I would own you. Totally own you. Hard.
The Memphis Grizzlies: Ah...a classic example of scalpers night off. The official attendance for last night's Care Bears-Bobcraps game was 10,188, but that figure is based on tickets distributed. In reality, there were about 1,000-ish fans in Time Warner Cable Arena.

Matt Carol, who was supposed to throw a free-t-shirt into the crowd, said: "I was looking around and I couldn't find anybody. So I said I was going to throw it up to a zone and see if somebody can get it."

I can think of no better quote to describe Charlotte's current offensive philosophy.

Anyway, as much as I would love to blame the lousy matchup for the lack of warm bodies in the stands, the sparse crowd was actually the result of a "snowstorm" that hit the area. Or, as Basketbawful reader The Other Chris put it:

Also about 12 people showed up to the Charlotte game, it probably snowed two inches in North Carolina and every got a case of giant flapping vaginitis... either that or they remembered how terrible Charlotte is.

Said Stephen Jackson: "We knew we had a job to do, that's come out and play and get a win regardless. You can't expect everybody to come out in this weather and drive."

Especially to see the Grizzlies get blown out.

Memphis actually won the rebounding battle 48-40 -- their total included 17 offensive rebounds -- and outscored the Bobcraps 58-28 in the paint. The Care Bears racked up another 17 points off 18 Charlotte turnovers.

Unfortunately, the Griz missed 33 of their first 42 shots, managed only 31 points in the first half, and fell behind by as many as 23 before losing 96-82.

Mike Conley shot 6-for-17. Rudy Gay was 5-for-16. O.J. Mayo went 1-for-8. Memphis shot 39 percent as a team. Yep. I'd call that an offensive fail.

By the way, I think it's fucking adorable as hell how excited people are getting over Charlotte's 5-2 record under Paul Silas. Let's see, they've beaten the Pistons (12-25), Cavaliers (8-29, Timberwolves (9-29), Wizards (9-26) and Grizzlies (17-21). And their only road outing in the last seven games was in Minnesota.

As always...just sayin'.

Rudy Gay, quote machine: "We took bad shots, missed them. They took good shots, made them. That was the game."

Stephen Jackson, quote machine: Did they give up on Larry Brown? Um, yes.

"It's kind of like losing a team. Nobody wanted to play no more," Jackson said. "Everybody wanted to play a different style than we were playing. We didn't agree with what was going on. Obviously, it wasn't working, so we needed a change. We had to figure something out..."

"We're younger and we have to play a little faster," Jackson said. "The makeup of the team is different and I think now with Paul (Silas) as coach the young guys have more confidence to go out there and play basketball and not worry about coming out of the game."

"You can't blame Coach Brown because we have to play the games," Jackson said. "But at the end of the day, when you make a change like that it has the domino effect of getting everybody up and loving the game. It's definitely worked so far."

The phrase "inmates running the asylum" comes to mind. You know, it wasn't too many years ago when LeBron James, er, the Cleveland Cavaliers fired Silas with 18 games to go in the regular season. The Cavs were the fifth seed at the time.

At the time, LeBron said: "You could kind of tell the way the air was, how things were going around here, there was going to have to be a change." Translation: I wasn't happy.

Then-GM Jim Paxson said: "We're 64 games into the season and we still don't have a consistent rotation, substitution pattern, those type of things. We didn't see that changing." Translation: LeBron wasn't happy.

I'm just sayin'...the Bobcraps are all happy now. But just wait until they start losing again. We'll see how happy they are then.

The Detroit Pistons: Despite being one of the league's worst offensive teams -- they rank 25th in PPG (95.2) and 23rd in Offensive Rating (104.6) -- the Pistons scored 55 first half points against the Bulls. That feat is more impressive than it may sound. After all, Chicago has been holding opponents to about 91 PPG in the United Center this season. And they had been giving up only 82.5 PPG over their last six home games, which included three games in which their opponents scored fewer than 80 points.

What's more, despite being one of the league's worst defensive teams -- Detroit ranks 25th in Defensive Rating (110.2) -- the Pistons held four Bulls players scoreless. That's four out of 10. And starter Keith Bogans managed only three points on one measly field goal.

At the end of the first half, Detroit had a 12-point lead.

Unfortunately, the Pistons are the Pistons. Destination: Doom, right? Sure enough, Detroit was outscored 33-15 in the third quarter and then scored only 12 points in the fourth. The result: a 95-82 loss that dropped them to 12-25 overall and a depressing 3-17 on the road.

So...did the trade rumors affect the Pistons? Remember, Richard Hamilton is part of that hot trade rumor involving Carmelo Anthony.

Said Rip: "That's part of the game. You hear stuff like that all the time. It's not the first time I've heard it in my career since I've been here. It's part of the game. You just come out and try to play basketball. It's out there. It's nothing that I think about."

Really, Rip? Well, okay then. In totally unrelated news, Hamilton finished with 2 points on 0-for-5 shooting in 21 minutes off the bench.

Bonus stats: The Bulls ran out for 18 fast break points and the Pistons gave up 23 points off 16 turnovers.

Ben Wallace: He got injured on the opening tip and missed the rest of the game. So...old...

Derrick Rose, quote machine: Derrick Rose dropped THE HAMMER on the Piston last night:


Nooooo. Not that hammer. This hammer.


After the game, Rose sounded awfully humble for a guy who's dunk created a parallel universe full of tiny, dunking Derrick Roses.

"A dunk, to me, is a dunk."

"I just jump high."

"I'm getting pretty old in this league. I just try to save my legs as much as possible."

For the record, Rose is 22 years old.

Chris's Lacktion Report: Omer Asik mooed one foul in 4:37 for a +1 and a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl, while fellow heifer CJ Watson garnered two bricks and a foul for a +3 in 4:39. Kyle Korver also joined the lackfest with two bricks (once from Wacker Drive) for a +2 in 4:28.

LarryLand - The Larry Bird Theme Park

Merry Birdmas, everyone! This year we have a real treat for you - an exclusive tour of LarryLand, a vast theme park located on the outskirts of French Lick, Indiana, devoted to Larry Legend. We visit the top attractions of this amazing park, like Bill Russell Title Town, DJ's Science Circle, and the Larry Coaster. We even get an inside look at some of the quirky, but devoted fans who visit LarryLand. Prepare for a Larrylicious amount of fun. - ET


Editor's note: For those of you missing the usual bawful, Worst of the Night will return tomorrow.

Worst of the Night: November 9, 2010

You ready to back off your bold prediction yet, MJ?
The Charlotte Bobcats: Let's open this baby up with a quote from Bobcats majority owner and NBA legend Michael Jordan:

And while the Bobcats' cap issues gave them no chance at the LeBron James-led free-agent class this summer, he insists the Bobcats, led by Gerald Wallace and Stephen Jackson, are better than last season's 44-38 team that was swept by Orlando in the first round.

"I think we're going to be a better off team than we were last year," Jordan said. "We're together, we're coming off some success from last year. Granted, Raymond's not here. But when you think about, Tyson came off the bench.

"At the minimum, we should make the playoffs."

I bet MJ would like to take a mulligan on that one right about now.

Good news for the Bobcats: They didn't wait until they were down 15-20 points before starting to play last night! The bad news: It didn't matter. They lost anyway...falling to 1-6 on the season.
The 'Cats shot like they were playing with KFC buckets on their heads -- 39 percent as a team -- with a very special (in the short bus way) thanks to Stephen Jackson (4-for-13), D.J. Augustin (3-for-15, 1-for-7 on threes) and Gerald Wallace (2-for-11).

Still, the real stake in Charlotte's shriveling heart was the failure to put any hands in the general viscinity of rookie Gary Neal's face. Neal went gonzo from beyond the arc, drilling 5 treys.

That said, the Bobcats had their chances. They were down 93-91 with 26.8 seconds left but chose defense over the intentional foul. Unfortunately, they let Manu Ginobili swoop in for a game-breaking layup with 4.9 seconds to go.

Said Bat-Manu: "The goal was to eat all the clock possible, but at the same time you don't want to take a really bad shot. It was a miscommunication between Boris [Diaw] and [Tyrus] Thomas and one left. I had a pretty good look."

As someone who has followed the careers of both Diaw and Thomas, all I can do is nod emphatically at the "miscommunication" part.

Anyway, said Charlotte coach Larry Brown: "D.J., Jack and Gerald going 9 of 39, I don't care who you're playing and you're going to have a tough time. To be in the game with us shooting it that way and turning it over again, like we do, it's a miracle we had a chance."

Chalk one up in the "Near Miracle Victory" column, Larry.

Stephen Jackson, turnover machine: S-Jax had 6 of Charlotte's 14 turnovers. But "shame" -- like most other words -- is not in his vocabulary: "Some nights I may have six turnovers, some nights I may have none." Wow. He's like a fortune cookie. Scatch that. A misfortune cookie.

The Atlanta Hawks: I hope the Dirty Birds enjoyed that 6-0 start and all those "Don't forget about the Hawks!" stories that were so popular for a week or so. You'd think people would have wised up to Atlanta's act by now. They usually pound lousy teams during soft stretches, maybe win a close game or two against a legit opponents. But in the final analysis, they are -- at best -- a second tier team.

To wit: After opening the season with six straight wins over "meh" teams, they've now lost two in a row against decent ones. Go figure.

I'll give the Hawks this much, though. They made the Magic work for it. Atlanta held Orlando to 43 percent shooting -- including 4-for-22 on threes -- and won the rebounding battle 48-43. But the Magic go a big night out of Pumaman (27 points, 11 rebounds) and...Vince Carter? Yes, Vince Carter, who finished with 19 points on 8-for-12 shooting and scored 5 crucial points in the final 1:12.

That's right: The Hawks were out-clutched by Vince Carter.

And you know how Vag, er, Vince did it? Two layups, the second of which was an "And 1!" after which he actually roared and flexed to the crowd, Hulk Hogan style.

Said Carter: "It never gets old. Believe me."

Yeah. Unless you're the Hawks.

Hawks coach Larry Drew, quote machine: "As I told our guys, 'Let's not look at this loss as a moral victory.' We've always felt in our hearts all along that we were capable of playing against any team."

Playing against any team? Yes. Winning against any team? Eh, not so much.

Bonus stat: The Hawks gave up 22 points off 17 turnovers...and lost by 4. Just sayin'.

The Toronto Raptors: How does a team like the Golden State Warriors win on the road despite giving up 22 fast break points and a whopping 32 points off 21 turnovers?

By playing the Craptors, of course. Now 1-6!

Stephen Curry, playing on a semi-bum ankle, scored a season-high 34 points on 12-for-21 shooting (including 2-for-4 on threes and 8-for-8 at the line). Moped Ellis added 28 points on 10-for-17 shooting before a bad fall waylaid him in the fourth quarter. The Warriors -- now 5-2! -- also got a double-double out of David Lee (14 points, 12 rebounds) in addition to shooting 52 percnt as a team and winning the rebounding battle 42-32.

Credit the Dinos for coming back from 20 points down to make a game of this one. But that's like sticking your genitals in a grizzly's mouth and then hoping to yank them out before they become bear kibble.

Said Linas Kleiza: "We just make the game hard on ourselves."

Actually, you can probably blame the front office for that, Linas. I'm pretty sure they're the ones responsible for sending you to war with a starting lineup of you, Reggie Evans, Andrea Bargnani, Jarrett Jack and DeMar DeRozan. Admittedly, that group would make a terrific second unit on a real basketball team.

"Do you guys need a new mascot?Please tell me you need a mascot."
The Boston Celtics: Back-to-back road games in Oklahoma City and Dallas would be a tall order for any team. Still, the Celtics handed the Thunder a choice cut of ass on Monday night and looked ready to dispatch the Mavs last night after Paul Pierce knocked down a 17-footer to give Boston an 87-82 lead with 1:58 left.

BUT...the C's went scoreless over the final two-ish minutes while the Mavs netted seven points off a layup by Dirk Nowitzki, a triple by Jason Terry and what turned out to be the game-winning 16-footer by Nowitzki with 17.4 ticks on the clock.

Know who Dirk was shooting over? Big Baby. Who's, what, half a foot shorter?

Said Nowitzki: "I knew Kidd was going to find me and then Davis was there. I was able to face him up and knock the shot down."

Oh, but it gets better. Boston's final possession consisted of a three-pointer by Rajon Rondo with 3.8 seconds left and then (after a Terry foul) a desperation triple attempt by Kevin Garnett as time expired.

Really, Celtics? Threes by Rondo and Garnett? Those're the best shots you could get?

Doc Rivers -- who called that sequence "a terrible play" -- said: "I hope I can draw up a better play than that."

Ya think?

Jermaine O'Neal: We call him "The Drain" for a reason. O'Neal played only 11 minutes -- including zero in the second half -- because of a sore left knee that left him with "no explosion." Oh, and Jermaine benched himself for the final two quarters, figuring the Celtics would be better off with him on the bench.

Which might be the case. But if you're wondering by Big Baby was defending Dirk on the game-winner, this is why. Boy, it sure is a good thing the Celtics went out and got two injury-prone O'Neals last summer. Eight games into the season and they're both out already.

Dirk Nowitzki's new haircut: Well, Dirk cut his flowing locks. Now he's gone from looking like a WNBA player to looking like...Sloth from The Goonies?! That's what Dan Marino -- not the football player, but a Basketbawful fan from Belgium -- thinks.

"Sloth love Chunk!"
The Phoenix Suns: Their two oldest players -- Steve Nash (16 points, 6-for-11, 11 assists) and Grant Hill (19 points, 12 rebounds -- were their best players. Robin Lopez went 1-for-4 and pulled down only 2 rebounds in 14 minutes. Hedo Turkoglu is starting. Channing Frye -- who got a $30 million contract from the Suns this summer -- went 1-for-7 off the bench.

Anybody else see any problems here?

And how about this: Zach Randolph returned from the dead to scored 23 points and gobble up 20 rebounds...including an absurd 8 offensive boards.

Oh, and then there were the turnovers: 23 of 'em, for 31 points going the other way. Hill and Nash combined for 9 TOs.

It's amazing the Suns didn't lose by 20.

Said Phoenix coach Alvin Gentry: "That's [23] chances we don't get to shoot the basketball. If we are managing our turnovers, and we've got 10 or 12 turnovers, that's 10 more possessions that we can shoot it at the basket. Make five of them, and it's a different story. We've just got to do a better job in that department."

The Denver Nuggets: The Nuggets wasted some good defense (holdin the Bulls to 41 percent shooting) and a season-best 32-point from Carmelo Anthony by giving the Bulls 24 bonus points off 18 turnovers. They also kept shooting directly into their defenders hands, as Chicago had 12 blocked shots, including 9 combined from Taj Gibson (5) and Joakim Noah (4).

Also, anybody else notice the Nuggets are starting Shelden Williams? Eek.

As an aside, Gibson's sweet game -- 16 points (7-for-12), 6 boards, 5 blocks, 3 assists and a steal -- reminded me of some of the crap I got after dubbing him a potential All-Star in my Central Division preview. In fact, here's what AnacondaHL had to say:

Haha, I just noticed something from this post (emphasis mine):

"a couple of possible future All-Stars (Joakim Noah and Taj Gibson),"

Wait, what? Since when is someone projected to be the next Dan Gadzuric a possible future All-Star?

Well, check it, peeps: Six games into his second season, Taj is averaging 15.2 PPG, 6.2 RPG, 1.7 APG and 1.7 BPG while shooting a redonkulous 63 percent from the field. That puts him at 4th in the league in FGP. His Offensive Rating is 115 and his Player Efficiency Rating is 19.1, which, according to John Hollinger's reference guide, is pretty close to borderline All-Star territory.

As always, I'm just sayin'.

(Of course, when Boozer returns from his broken hand, Gibson will head back to the bench, his numbers will fall, and blah blah blah.)

You know what? Don't ask. Just...don't ask.
Erik Spoelstra, quote machine: This is a belated entry submitted by Basketbawful reader clair. Regarding their game against the Nyets, Spoelstra said: "[Saturday] was about a nameless, faceless opponent. We needed to really come back and establish our toughness, our disposition defensively and the guys really took that to heart and I was glad that they were having fun out there."

As clair put it: "Nameless AND faceless. Ouch!"

Chris's brief lacktion report: Alonzo Gee grabbed a Legend of Zelda cartridge in just 3 seconds for a Super Mario! For Charlotte, Sherron Collins heaved a brick from Tryon Street in 3:33 for a +1 suck differential.

Bawful After Dark: October 27, 2010

Oh, how I've missed you, Yao Ming
(Via @jose3030)
(Video version at Deadspin)
We're only one night into the season, and I'm already yawning and feeling braindead while writing this. Good to see I'm already in midseason form! Lots of material today, let's get to it.

Brief footbawful crossover: Lovie Smith sucks. Per Mike Lombardi, "Smith is among the worst replay-challenge coaches in the NFL; since 2009, only four of his 16 challenges have been overturned." Also, Lovie's logic for his botched challenge/no challenge sequence this past Sunday is pretty much the definition of footbawful.

And one last brief thing before get to the pics and previews. Here are a couple of my favorite NBA-related Twitter posts of the day.

Bobby_BigWheel: I switched from Celtics-Heat to the season premiere of 16 and Pregnant. I wanted to see more scoring.

bruce_arthur: At a Knicks shootaround. Seeing Eddy Curry is like spotting a whale, in more ways than one.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

I reiterate: oh, how I've missed you, Yao Ming

It may look like an awkward position for man love, but LeBron and Paul Pierce certainly seem to be enjoying it

Our first photographic evidence of _efense this season!

(nature documentary guy voice)
"When threatened with competition, the rare White Basketball Player will bare his teeth to show dominance"

Nationally Televised Games:

Bulls at Thunder, ESPN, 8pm: I'm glad this game is on national TV. Kevin Durant is appointment television viewing, as you have hopefully figured out by now. And I'm excited to see the revamped roster in action for the Bulls. You can read Bawful's full game preview at By the Horns since I'm sure he knows much more about the Bulls than I do.

Trail Blazers at Clippers, ESPN, 10:30pm: The Clippers on national TV? That's so sad, it can make an adorable bunny facepalm.

See what you've done, Donald Sterling? You should be ashamed.

Who else should be ashamed? Greg Oden, because his favorite TV shows include 90210 and Gossip Girls. No 58 year old man should watch those shows.

All The Other Games:

Celtics at Cavaliers, 7pm: The Celtics took down Cleveland's most hated man last night. Standing ovation from the Cleveland crowd, anyone? You know that's going to be the highlight of their season. Also, recommended reading: Trey Kirby from The Basketball Jones recently posted about Dan Gilbert's infamous Comic Sans letter that he does not regret.

Pistons at Nets, 7pm: You may be wondering why I didn't call them the Nyets. Well, I figured it's a new season and all, they deserve a fresh start, right? I mean, sure, they have a chance to suck again very soon, but they're going to start with a home win against the woeful Pistons, so I don't feel comfortable making fun of them until they lose.

Heat at 76ers, 7pm: Per the STATS LLC preview of this game, "The Sixers need forward Elton Brand to finally break out after two disappointing seasons since coming over from the Los Angeles Clippers." Yeah, good luck with that, Philly.

Knicks at Raptors, 7pm: Oh, Toronto. Over in hockey land, the Maple Leafs are -- beyond any reasonable explanation -- not godawful this year so far. Thankfully the Craptors are capable of carrying on the tradition of failure for what has lately been Loser City. Look, I don't want Toronto to continue to suck at basketball. I have nothing against their fans. However, I despise the Leafs, so I'll take what I can get right now. And when your team is based around Andrea Bargnani...

Bucks at Hornets, 8pm: Are we still supposed to Fear the Deer? I'm sorry, but I don't trust any Scott Skiles-coached team after the honeymoon period is over and the players start to resent him.

Kings at Timberwolves, 8pm: Oof. Ugly game. However, the constant potential for DeMarcus Cousins to lose his cool and strangle somebody makes pretty much every Purple Paupers game this year worth watching. (I look forward to him getting eight hundred technical fouls for my fantasy team this year while being a double-double machine.)

Hawks at Grizzlies, 8pm: Our first chance to see Larry Drew's new offensive scheme for the Hawks should be interesting. I don't expect much from the Hawks this year, but... "Memphis is 2-13 all-time in season openers, and has dropped nine straight since defeating Seattle to begin the 2000-01 season."

Bobcats at Mavericks, 8:30pm: Did you know Larry Brown is 70? That's almost as impressive as the Mavs winning 50+ games for 10 straight seasons, yet continually being worthless in the playoffs. Also, again citing the STATS LLC game preview, "The Bobcats, who waived Dampier and his $13 million non-guaranteed contract, still have a dynamic frontcourt with Stephen Jackson, Gerald Wallace and Boris Diaw." I think that sentence pretty much says it all.

Pacers at Spurs, 8:30pm: I will be the first to admit that the Spurs are getting old in a hurry (that's about the only thing they can do in a hurry at this point...). However, they just absolutely own the Pacers right now. The last time the Pacers won a game at San Antonio? January 4, 2002. That's just turrible.

Jazz at Nuggets, 9pm: An undertalented, overperforming Jazz team rocking their new old-school logo versus a sulking Melo? Awesome.

Rockets at Warriors, 10:30pm: As shared by AnacondaHL: "Have this pic courtesy of Jeremy Lin for tonight's BAD." And there you go. Lookin' good, Mr. Lin.

Worst of the Night Returns!

Yep. Worst of the Night is definitely back.
The Miami Heat: Let me start off by saying it's way, way too early to start making any kind of definitive statements about, well, pretty much anything. I mean, Mike Miller is out and Dwyane Wade played, what, three minutes during the preseason?

Still, nobody expected this pile of oozing open sores and flaming poo. The Super Friends of South Beach (a.k.a. The Nazgul) opened this exciting new era of team stacking by scoring -- waaaaiiiit for it -- nine points in the first quarter.

Seriously? Seriously.

It seems impossible, but it's true. Despite Pat Riley colluding, er, I mean, convincing three of the league's best players to form that weird three-robot Voltron in Miami, the Heat shambled zombie-like out of the gate, shooting 11-for-41 (26.8 percent) in the first half and falling behind 41-22 with just over two minutes left in the second quarter before "closing" to within 45-30 at halftime.

Of course, last season's Celtics tended to take a little nappy nap after building huge leads, and it happened again last night. The Heat pulled to within three points late, but Boston closed them out, giving NBA fans outside of Miami a giant, throbbing erection. For the game, the Heat shot 36 percent from the field, gave up 17 points off 17 turnovers, and got outscored 38-24 in the paint.

This is the kind of shit that killed Red Auerbach. Just sayin'.
Advanced stat of the game: Miami's Offensive Rating was 90.4, which means they scored at a rate of about 90 points per 100 possessions. With three of the best players in the world. Again, I am just sayin'.

The Nazgul: Let's see. LeBron was the best of the three Ringwraiths, scoring a game-best 31 points (10-for-21 from the field, 8-for-12 from the line). However, it was like some kind of bizarre Cleveland flashback, with King Crab totally dominating the rock. (Yes, forensic investigation revealed only one set of prints on the ball.) Only instead of a triple-double, 'Bron finished with more turnovers (8) than assists and rebounds combined (7).

As for Wade -- remember everybody, this is still his team -- he went 4-for-16 from the field and finished with 13 points, matching assists (6) and rebounds (4) with turnovers (6) and fouls (4).

Last and most certainly least, the RuPaul of Big Men struggled his way to 8 points (3-for-11) and 8 boards. Oh, and according to the AP Game Notes, "Bosh is 2-12 in Boston, the most losses he's had as a visitor against any team." There are no coincidences.

Kevin Garnett: Rough final stretch for KG. While the Heat were coming back in the final minutes, Garnett was fading slowly and sadly away. He bricked a four-footer with 3:41 left. He fouled Udonis Haslem with 3:30 left (Haslem hit both freebies). He lost the rock to D-Wade with 3:11 left. He missed a 16-footer with 2:33 left. He clanged two crucial foul shots with 1:37 left. Then he committed an offensive foul (moving pick) with 1:15 left.

If the Heat had pulled this game out, they would probably would have sent KG a thank you card and a nice fruit basket.

LeBron James, excuse-making machine: "It's a feel-out process. When you have so many options, it's something I'm not accustomed to, having that many threats out on the court at the same time."

Fun fact: According to ESPN Stats and Information: "LeBron James had 31 points and 8 rebounds. Last season, James was 1 of 4 players who had at least 30 points and at least 8 turnovers in a game. The others were Kevin Durant, Monta Eliis and Kobe Bryant. Tuesday was the 7th time in his career in which he's scored at least 30 points but had at least 8 turnovers. That's tied with Allen Iverson for the most such games since LeBron's rookie season."

Huh. Kinda looks like a target doesn't it?
Dwyane Wade, rationalization machine: "This is one of 82. Sorry if everyone thought we were going to go 82-0. It just ain't happening."

Nope. It ain't.

Update! LeBron's new commercial: From Basketbawful reader Austen: "I'd throw in a Worst of the Night for Lebron's new Nike shoe commercial, where he spends what felt like at least 5 minutes whining and moaning about the public reaction to 'The Decision.' Seriously, get over yourself, and shame on you, Nike, for encouraging him."

In case by some oddity you've missed it, here's the commercial:


It's actually a pretty slick commercial, what with the clever dig at Charles Barkley via Chuck's famous "I Am Not A Role Model" commercial (also by Nike) and a great cameo by Don Johnson as Sonny Crocket. But as Austen pointed out, it's basically LeBron and Nike begging you to a) love LeBron for doing what's right for him and b) buy his new shoes.

Memo to LeBron: You had every right to do right by yourself. You chose living in Miami, playing with your friends and what seemed like the best and easiest path to a championship over busting your ass in Cleveland year after year. This is America. There are brave men and women who will fight to the death to protect your constitutional right to be as big an asshat as you want to be.

But we, as fans, also have the right to mock and ridicule you for it. Right? What should we do, LeBron? WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

Man love: This heat has nothing to do with the Miami Heat...

Ssssssss...feel the sizzle!
The Phoenix Suns: Last night, the Seven Seconds or Less Era gave way to the Small Forwards of Doom Era. Notice how one of those sounds wicked-cool and the other sounds like a tragic mistake in basketball logic?

Well, yeah.

Actually, the Suns were playing pretty well and led 81-75 after three quarters. Then they got outscored 31-11 in the fourth.

Said Steve Nash: "We ran out of gas a little offensively."

Yeah, you could say that. You could also say the Suns were careless and sloppy with the ball, giving up 21 points off 19 turnovers. Without Amar''''''e, they still managed to score 44 points in the paint, but there was no run and very little gun, as Phoenix managed a mere 6 fast break points.

Advanced stat of the game: The Blazers didn't shoot all that well (46 percent as a team), but they cleaned up on the offensive glass, grabbing 18 offensive boards for a mind-boggling Offensive Rebound Rate of 43.9 (compared to 18.9 for the Suns). No defensive rebounding...it's like Amar''''''e never left!

Steve Nash: Nash giveth...and Nash also giveth away. Captain Canada kept the Suns kinda-sorta in the mix by scoring a game-high 26 points on 10-for-19 shooting to go along with 4 rebounds (almost matching Robin Lopez's 5 boards) and a team-high 6 dimes. Unfortunately, he bobbled the ball away 9 times. It's like he was impersonating Brett Favre or something.

Aim for their hands, Steve. Their hands.

Hedo Turkoglu: I have one word for you: Turkododo. That is all.

Memo to Turk: That's not how basketball is played.
The Houston Rockets: In my Southwest Division preview post, I said something about the Rockets being, what was it, slow as paste? Then they go out and score 17 fast break points against the Lakers in their season opener.

Man, am I good or what?

Anyway, people may want to talk about Mamba's 27 points and 7 assists, but let the record show that the defending chumps were outscored by eight points when Kobe was in the game. No, the Lakers -- who trailed by as many as 15 points and were down by 11 in the third -- had their asses saved by Shannon Brown (who went berzerk from three and scored 14 of his 16 points in a 6.5-minute stretch during the fourth) and Steve Blake (who drilled the go-ahead trey with 18.8 seconds left).

Shades of John Paxson! Or...something.

Meanwhile, the Rockets -- who were outscored 61-48 in the second half -- looked like the Keystone Cops on their final (and potentially game-tying) possession. Luis Scola missed a crappy-looking pooper-scooper with three seconds to go, and then (after a video review awarded possession back to Houston) Aaron Brook got a layup attempt spoon-fed back to him by Lamar Odom.

The only thing missing was a little Benny Hill music.

Said Brooks: "When I caught the ball, I didn't know exactly where I was on the floor. Then I took a dribble and realized where I was, and I tried to drive, but my leg kind of slipped."

Advanced stat of the game: L.A.'s Turnover Percentage was only 10.0, compared to 16.2 for Houston. Specifically, the Lakers gave up only 10 points off 12 turnovers, while the Rockets surrendered 20 points off 21 turnovers. Kind of a big deal in a 2-point loss.

Bonus Fun fact: From ESPN Stats and Information: "The Lakers came back from an 11-point halftime deficit, outscoring the Rockets 61-48 in the second half. It's their third straight season-opening win and their eighth win in their past nine games versus Houston. The Lakers are now 41-22 in season openers, good for an all-time best .651 win percentage."

Wow! The Lakers are just so good on opening night! Just for kicks and giggles, I decided to do a little research. Going back to the 1995-96 season, the Lakers have played 13 of the last 16 season openers at home. As always, I'm just sayin'.

Update! The Lakers' ring ceremony: From AnacondaHL: "Also, there should be a quickie WotN mention to that Lakers ring ceremony, which was so completely awkward for everyone involved. Okay, Fisher's intro of Kobe was pretty funny. And it did show us that there is a massage therapist and an equipment manager with more rings than LeBron."


Okay, I have to know: How much did Kobe pay for the blowjob Fisher gave him during that ceremony. Mein Gott, that was a GFE if I've ever seen one.

Rick Adelman, quote machine: "They're the world champs, and we knew it was going to be tough. But I thought we responded pretty well. I think [for] about seven minutes, we just didn't play the way we're capable of, and they got back in the game."

For the record, seven minutes is about 15 percent of an NBA game. That's a decent chunk of time to not play the way you're capable of. Just sayin'.

Justin Bieber: If there is any justice in this universe, this guy's obituary will one day read: "Died of natural causes during face punches." And that day will be soon.

Pictured: Douchebag.
Lacktion report: Chris and his lacktion reports are back too!

Heat-Celtics: Zydrunas Ilgauskas began a new chapter of riding King Crab's claws by negating a field goal and three boards in 10:39 with two giveaways and four fouls for a 6:4 Voskuhl!

Suns-Frail Blazers: The fabulous Fabricio Oberto forced a rebound in 3:03, but found enough time to finagle a pair of fouls and a turnover for a 3:1 Voskuhl.

Rockets-Lakers: Chuck Hayes countered an assist and block in 14:49 with three fouls for a 3:0 Voskuhl, while our first true lacktion artist of the season is the Lakers' young Derrick Caracter, who provided a caricature of a professional basketballer with a foul and brick in 2:14 for a +2 suck differential that also doubled as a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl!

Bawful After Dark: Opening Night!

Why post this picture of the Rockets from 1986? Why not!(via Andy Gray's SI Vault)
Finally! Opening Night is upon us! Savor this feeling and enjoy every minute of it since it's looking awfully likely that we'll see a lockout next year. Damnit. Hmmph... Guess I'll just have to watch football instead next year -- oh, wait...

The start of a new season naturally means new uniforms. And this year we even get treated to a completely new jersey style -- 27 teams are now wearing jerseys constructed from "engineered mesh," and uniform numbers are now made from a mesh fabric. Naturally, teams have made some alterations to their uniform designs, logos, and so forth. To get caught up on all the uniform changes this season, check out Paul Lukas' Uni Watch column. Highlights include the Cavaliers new super-boring uniforms, the Jazz have brought back the music-note, the Magic have a new alternate jersey, the Mavericks have changed the color of their road unis, the Warriors have badass new jerseys, and the Timberwolves have removed all the green from their uniforms. (To quote Lukas, "what's the point of depicting a tree line if you can't tell they're trees?")

Surprise, surprise. The Knicks may have broken NBA draft rules by conducting secret workouts of collegiate players for the past several years. What does it say about your organization if you can cheat and still suck?

Oh, and here's a completely random link that will ruin your shit for the rest of the day: The 10 weirdest physics facts, from relativity to quantum physics. Strangely enough, there is no mention of Tracy McGrady's legs being tired without having done any work to make them tired. I suppose that is one question that science still cannot even begin to comprehend.

Nationally Televised Games:
Heat at Celtics, TNT, 8pm: What's that? It's only the first night of the season, yet you're already tired of hearing about King Crab's move to the Heat (like these guys)? Well, TNT, ESPN, and the rest of the national media have this to say:


What's truly sad is that I will still be interested in actually watching the Heat play this year, no matter how tired I get of hearing about them. Seeing Wade and LeBron work together will be entertaining, but I'm also just dying to see 37 year old Juwan Howard and 35 year old Zydrunas Ilgauskas protecting the paint.

Oh, and Mike Miller has a broken thumb. The Heat are doomed! Doooooooooooooomed!

Meanwhile, to nobody's surprise, the Celtics are planning to start Shaq at center against the Heat. Considering Jermaine O'Neal will probably pull a muscle and suffer a stress fracture drinking Gatorade on the sidelines, this move somehow makes sense. Then again, we'll just have to watch an ugly offensive effort as Shaq's glacial movements and gargantuan body clog the paint for Rajon Rondo. (Or, according to Chris, "more like clog his own arteries." Touché.)

Rockets at Lakers, TNT, 10:30pm: Thanks to Auto Draft, I have Kevin Martin on my fantasy team. Uggghh. I'm sure that will somehow bite me. Meanwhile, the Rockets should theoretically be on a bounce-back year after missing the playoffs last season. Yao Ming is finally kinda-sorta healthy again, and he will be playing limited minutes to help keep his feet from crumbling like a sandcastle in high tide. Of course it's pretty much a given that he'll still get hurt anyway, but one can dream, right? If nothing else, Rockets fans can play NBA 2K11 and watch in delight as Virtual Yao jumps for a rebound and has his head three feet above the rim. (Realism!)

The Lakers, on the other hand, are coming off their most recent championship. However, Adam Morrison is no longer with the team. This surely must mean their reign of championships is over. You HAVE to have somebody that can slap high fives on the sidelines while looking extraordinarily goofy, and other than Scalabrine, nobody does it as well as Morrison in today's NBA.

All The Other Games:
Suns at Trail Blazers, 10:00pm: Well, Amar''''e Stoudemire is finally gone. Suns fans such as AnacondaHL and myself hoped they'd finally acquire someone who has the desire to crash the boards and snag a few rebounds. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Like a soccer mom buying in bulk (because you can never have too much ketchup even if you don't have a main course to put it on, apparently), the Suns have loaded up on small forwards instead of getting a solid big man. Hakim Warrick, Josh Childress, and Hedo Turkoglu? Come on! Did they have a "buy two, get one free" special or something? (Also, Turkoglu Turkododo is likewise on my fantasy team. Here's to hoping Steve Nash continues to be a miracle worker.) Meanwhile, coach Alvin Gentry says the Suns will continue to base their offense around the pick-and-roll, even though they don't really have a solid big man to get points in the pant. Expect lots of bricked long range jump shots coming off the screen. Hurray!

Fun fact of the day: Brandon Roy scored a career high 52 points at the Rose Garden back in December 2008 against the Phoenix Suns.

2010-11 NBA Season Preview: Atlantic Division

The Boston Celtics

Last season, Boston's two biggest problems were age and injuries. Their offseason response was to get older and more injury prone with the acquisitions of Shaq and Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal. Remember: The 2009-10 Celtics were only a few baskets away from winning Game 7 of the NBA Finals on the road against a pretty good Lakers team. So how seriously should we take the 2010-11 Celtics? Let me put it this way: Even die-hard Boston fans have to answer that question by saying, "If Shaq and/or Jermaine O'Neal can just..."

That's right. All it's going to take is for Shaq and The Drain the make an actual, basketball-related impact on their new team. Mind you, this is something they've utterly failed to do in each of the last couple stops of the NBA careers. Shaq sunk the Seven Seconds or Less Era in Phoenix before helping Cleveland lose LeBron James forever.

As for The Drain, he got passed around like a hot potato after the Pacers finally suckered somebody into taking his giant contract off their bloodstained hands, and he was declared legally deceased during Miami's one-round playoff run last season. Mind you, it was the Celtics are the team who eliminated the Heat, so they got to watch his playoff implosion up close. How bad was he? Well, he went 9-for-44 from the field, his PER was 2.5 and he finished the series with an Offensive Rating of 57. Oh, and in Miami's elimination game, he grabbed only two defensive rebounds.

But you know what? I don't see those shambling mounds as Boston's biggest problems. As a Celtics fan, I'm much more worried about the fact that Rajon Rondo still can't hit jump shots with consistency or knock down clutch free throws. Those two factors may very well have cost the Celts the 2010 NBA title. Speaking of things that may have cost Boston the title, how about Ray Allen's playoff shooting slump? Look, shooters slump, I get that. But Allen's have been getting worse, lasting longer and are becoming more critical because they're happening during the playoffs. Are these things going to get better by tacking on another year and more miles to his odometer? On top of those factors, now that Tony Allen is marinating in the Grizzlies locker room, who's going to hound the Kobes and LeBrons of the world?

And let's not forget the C's lost their defensive guru, Tom Thibodeau, to the Chicago Bulls.

Look, the Celtics are going to win their division. Mostly because the other teams in the Atlantic are the crappiest of the crappy crap (see below). And they'll definitely be dangerous come playoff time, assuming everybody remains relatively healthy. But the 2010 Finals proved that championships are won and lost by the slimmest of margins. The Celtics just have too many question marks and what ifs.

The New Jersey Nyets

Last season, the Nyets managed only 12 wins and needed a late-season run -- if you can consider five wins in their last 12 games a "run" -- to avoid becoming the worst team (in terms of wins and losses) in NBA history. Still, as horrific as the season was -- poor Brook Lopez has permanent handprints on his face from all the facepalming he did last year -- all the losing was supposed to have a happy ending. After all, New Jersey had stockpiled cap space for the summer's free agent bonanza and their record practically made them a mortal lock for the number one overall draft pick. If they could just win the draft lottery and select John Wall...

...only they didn't win the draft lottery. They got the third pick, which they used to select Derrick Favors, a kid with decent long-term potential but little chance of making an impact this season. Other key acquisitions include Travis Outlaw, Anthony Morrow, Troy Murphy, Quinton Ross, Jordan Farmar, Stephen Graham, Joe Smith's corpse and Johan Petro (for $10 million over three years...WTF?!).

I'm have absolutely no idea what kind of Frankenstein's monster new GM Billy King (a.k.a. the guy who once destroyed the Philadelphia 76ers) expects new coach Avery Johnson to build out of this freaky warehouse of scrap parts. But I can't wait to find out.

But you know what the best part is? After last year's near-record setting failfest, there's virtually no way the Nyets can't improve this season. Even a conservative estimate of, say, 24 wins would be an enormous improvement. So expect better days in New Jersey. Relatively speaking.

The New York Knicks

During the offseason, the Bricks spent $100 million on Amar''''''e Stoudemire. Which would be fine if Amar''''''e wasn't a total fraud.

Okay, okay. That's not fair. Stoudemire isn't a total fraud. The guy is a stud on offense, ranking 5th in free throw attempts (632), 7th in field goal percentage (.557) and 10th in points per game (23.1). However, most of those sparkling stats came at the end of an assist from Steve Nash. In Phoenix, Amar''''''e lived off the variety of dunks, layups and pick-and-pops that Nash created. Conversely, Stoudemire was at his absolute worst when trying to create offense on his own. Unless he could simply blow by his man and not encounter any help defense at the rim, the dude looked like a baby deer trying to run on ice skates. STAT isn't a creator, he's a finisher. What's he going to finish in New York? Other than the hopes and dreams of Knicks fans everywhere. Assuming those suckers have any hopes and dreams left.

Stoudemire cowers from defensive rebounds the way Ron Artest shrinks away from giant snake eggs. And his answer to "defense" is to either leap out of the way matador style or reach in with the awkward clumsiness of a teenage boy groping his first real breast, which is why he ranked 5th in personal fouls last season (281).

The point is: If Amar''''''e is the foundation of your team -- the unquestioned heart and soul -- then your team is officially f***ed. I fully expect Stoudemire to become this season's premier 20-10-50 guy.

Knicks hopefuls might want to point out that Donnie Walsh flipped David "All O, No D" Lee for Anthony Randolph, Ronny Turiaf and Kelenna Azubuike. I would remind those people that the team's starting point guard is Raymond Felton (a poor pick-and-roll player) and the team doesn't have much in the way of consistent, high-percentage three-point shooting. These things do not play to Stoudemire's strengths.

In other words: Expect New York's playoff drought to continue.

The Philadelphia 76ers

Year Two of The Elton Brand Era saw the Sixers win only 27 games and finish tied for the third-worst record in the Eastern Conference. According to the Pythagorean Wins calculated by Basketball-Reference.com, Philly was better than only the following teams: New Jersey, Minnesota, The Other L.A. Team, Detroit and Washington. That's a real rogue's gallery of suck, right there.

During 2009-10, the Sixers should have worn masks with question marks on them, because the team had no identity whatsoever. I mean, they were supposed to be a running team yet finished the season ranked 22nd in Pace and 23rd in PPG. Furthermore, they ranked 22nd in three-point percentage (.343) and their inside game was anchored by Elton Brand, who was granted Living Statue status by the world's leading statueologists. Basically, there really wasn't much of anything this team did particularly well. Other than lose, that is.

Now ask yourself this: Has anything of major significance changed from last season to this season? Flipping Sammy Dalembert for Andres Nocioni and Spencer Hawes makes the team...whiter...I guess. Number two overall pick Evan Turner was a summer league disappointment. And as for new coach Doug Collins, well, did you see his last two seasons as a head coach in Washington? He lost the trust of every player on that team not named Michael Jordan, and that was only because he was Jordan's Yes Man.

Which is why the quarterback battle between Kevin Kolb and Michael Vick is the only real ray of hope Philadelphia fans have right now.

Sorry, Philadelphia fans.

The Toronto Raptors

Last season, Chris Bosh ranked 6th in the league in rebounds per game (10.8), 7th in free throw attempts (590) and 9th in points per game (24.0). He was also 4th in Player Efficiency Rating (25.0), trailing only LeBron James (31.1), Dwyane Wade (28.0) and Kevin Durant (26.2). Of course, Bosh put together what was probably his best statistical season during a contract year while playing for a Raptors team that failed to make the playoffs. But those are just facts, so feel free to discard them.

(Reality check: Bosh ranked 7th in the league with 7.9 Offensive Win Shares, yet ranked only 19th overall with 9.6 Win Shares. For those of you who enjoy simple math, that means Bosh had only 1.7 Defensive Win Shares during his best statistical season. How is that possible? I'm sure it had nothing whatsoever to do with him gunning it on offense to improve his free agent standing.)
Anyway, even though Bosh was lighting it up -- at the offensive end, anyway -- the Raptors still floundered down the stretch and missed the postseason (thanks largely to an injury to Bosh). When Bosh decided to take his talents to South Beach, it was done to a massive chorus of "Good riddance!!" from Canadians everywhere. And yet...

...Bosh's departure has made Toronto's roster one of the most depressing sights in the league. Their best returning players (Andrea Bargnani, DeMar DeRozan and Jose Calderon) strike fear in no one's heart (unless you count their fantasy owners). Their new additions (Leandro Barbosa, Amir Johnson, Linas Kleiza and draft pick Ed Davis) would be decent pickups for a team that was already pretty good. But the Raptors aren't pretty good. And this season, they might even be the worst team in the league.

Paul Pierce: "These fools are stupid, boy!"

As AnacondaHL put it: The 2010-11 Championship contending Boston Celtics!

Turn down your volume to avoid the NSFW words. Turn off your brain to avoid nightmare fuel.

The Drain already hurt. Try to act surprised.

I just read this totally unsurprising bit of news on the ESPN NBA Rumors page:

Jermaine O'Neal missed a second consecutive practice on Monday due to a tight left hamstring and will be shut down for the week as a precautionary measure. He will miss the first two exhibition games against the 76ers and Nets.

So The Drain is already hurt and has to be shut down for the week? Before appearing in a single preseason game for the Celtics? He must have been forced to do demanding and rigorous things during the C's practice sessions. Like maybe deep breathing and standing in place.

For the record, O'Neal ranks first among NBA players I could see straining a hammy while just standing. Carlos Boozer ranks a very close second. Greg Oden doesn't make this list because his hamstring would probably erupt out of his leg and try to strangle him if he so much as thought about standing up.

Head coach Doc Rivers says he won't take any chances this early in the year and will give time to the rookies.

"I just think that, when you look at [Shaquille O'Neal] and Jermaine, and think they can play 82 healthy games -- that'd be nice, but we have to be ready for them to miss a couple games and be able to play through it," Rivers told ESPNBoston.com. "That's why guys like Luke Harangody and Semih Erden are so important. Until Kendrick Perkins comes back, they're going to have to play, one of them at least."

Let's recap: Drain and The Big Geritol were Boston's two great offseason pickups, yet Doc Rivers has so little confidence in their ability to stay healthy that Luke Harangody and Semih Erden have apparently become critical to the Celtics' championship aspirations.

Luke Harangody and Semih Erden.

The sound you just heard were the Vegas oddsmakers scrambling to lower Boston's chances at making it back to the Finals next summer. Either that or Phil Jackson laughing. Or maybe Red Auerbach's soul crying out in despair from the afterlife. Take your pick.

O'Neal say he isn't worried about the hamstring, but defining his role on the team.

"I'm not really concerned about [the hamstring]," O'Neal said. "I'm more concerned about being in with the guys and getting that chemistry up. The first four days [of camp] were really good. Wednedsay, Thursday, and Friday [at camp], I was just starting to get comfortable with the system, the philosophies that Doc wanted and also playing with those guys. It's very difficult to learn areas of an offense and defense when you're not in there. That's probably the most frustrating part about it, but I don't have any doubt in my mind that I'll be back in there soon."

No doubt. Then back out of there. Then back in there. Then back out of there...

Kevin McHale as Ron Artest before Ron Artest

On November 19, 2004, at The Palace of Auburn Hills in Auburn Hills, Michigan, Pistons fan John Green threw a cup of Diet Coke at Ron Artest. (It figures that such a bush league move would have been perpetrated by a man drinking a diet soda.) The cup hit Artest in the chest. Artest responded by rushing into the stands, thereby sparking what is probably the most infamous brawl in NBA history.

Afterward, David Stern issued the following statement:

The events at last night’s game were shocking, repulsive and inexcusable -- a humiliation for everyone associated with the NBA. This demonstrates why our players must not enter the stands whatever the provocation or poisonous behavior of people attending the games. Our investigation is ongoing and I expect it to be completed by tomorrow evening.

The NBA has taken the following actions, effective immediately:

1. Indiana players Ron Artest, Stephen Jackson and Jermaine O’Neal are suspended indefinitely, the length to be determined upon completion of the investigation.

2. Detroit player Ben Wallace is suspended indefinitely, the length to be determined upon completion of the investigation.

3. Review of rules and procedures relating to altercations and security have been undertaken so that fans can continue to attend our games unthreatened by events such as the ones that occurred last night.

The final talley was 146 games worth of suspensions (86 for Artest), which cost the players more than $11 million in salary (almost $5 million for Artest). The brawl -- which was lovingly nicknamed "The Malice at The Palace" -- went on to provide NBA experts and fans with the ultimate example of players behaving badly.

And yet...this stuff used to happen without setting off a complete media firestorm. Last February, I posted about how Cedric "Cornbread" Maxwell once went after a fan during Game 6 of one of the greatest playoff series of all time. Maxwell was fined $2,500 but didn't get suspended for a single game. He wasn't even ejected from that game.

Want another example you've probably never heard about? Of course you do.

On May 8, 1987, Kevin McHale -- with less than a half-minute left in overtime of Game 3 of the Bucks-Celtics semifinal playoff series -- charged into the Milwaukee crowd and confronted a courtside spectator. In full view of Oprah Winfrey no less! And by "confronted" I mean he grabbed the dude by his tie, after which the cream puff fell down. Then a ruckus ensued.

Here's the video. The action starts around the 20-second mark:


Surprisingly enough, the world did not wobble off its axis and fall into the sun. There were no earthquakes or natural disasters. Fans didn't freak out and the media didn't go berserk with 24/7 coverage of McHale's brutal attack. And McHale wasn't suspended. He played in Game 4 -- in the same arena, in front of the same fans -- and the Celtics won 138-137. Yes, that was the actual score.

On May 9, 1987, this was how the Boston Globe described the incident:

The fight began with 24 seconds left in overtime. The Bucks, who had blown a chance to win the game in regulation time, had climbed back to a 121-118 lead. McHale had fouled out by whacking the Bucks' Paul Pressey. The crowd had hooted because McHale is not exactly a favorite here, being viewed as a man who is accorded great basketball freedom by the referees while local tall timbers Jack Sikma, Paul Mokeski and Randy Breuer are called for simple jawalking and littering.

Upon reaching the bench, McHale was heckled by the familiar heckler.

"I'd been hearing him all game," McHale said. "He'd been cursing and cursing and cursing. Usually. I'm playing most of the game here, so I never hear the guy. Tonight I was on the bench and the guy would not shut up.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrr...how much are you going to take?"

Enough was enough and McHale stepped over the low seats that serve as the Boston bench and confronted the heckler. The trouble broke out like chicken pox. Fred Roberts was over the bench and equipment guy Joe Quatato was over and the rest of the Celtics followed. The heckler wound up lying on the gaily- painted Mecca floor wiyh a security guard's foot on his neck. The crowd wound up in a dither.

"It wasn't exactly the smartest thing I've ever did, but how much are you going to take?" McHale said. "Awww, in hockey they wouldn't even notice something like this."

And, in all honesty, "they" -- meaning the world at large -- barely took notice of this incident. Relatively speaking. Only McHale didn't realize it at the time.

The following story didn't run until the May 10 edition of the Boston Globe, almost two days after the incident:

MILWAUKEE - The morning newspapers had the pictures and they were something to see. Here was Boston Celtics forward Kevin McHale and there was assistant coach Jimmy Rodgers and here were the rest of the players on the Celtics bench and there were the policemen and...funny.

Twelve hours later the craziness of Friday night mostly seemed funny.

"My wife called me early," McHale said yesterday morning as he sat a few feet from the spot where the grand hoo-ha had happened in the closing moments of the Celtics' 126-121 overtime loss to the Milwaukee Bucks.

"The first thing she wanted to know was how much this was going to cost. I told her, 'Do you know that fishing boat I want to buy this summer? I think we'll be buying two of them, only one will be for the NBA office.' "

Funny.

Passion became slapstick in the morning sunlight. What did Kevin McHale do with 24 seconds left in the game? He stepped over the Celtics bench and collared some heckler who had been blabbing obscenities for the entire night? He grabbed the guy and then other people grabbed other people and suddenly there was this full-scale dance on the designer-patterned Mecca floor? The logic of the moment somehow had been transformed into the punch line of today. Clint Eastwood became Joe Piscopo.

"I was really mad," McHale said. "The guy was just saying terrible things. The security people told me that Moses Malone and Tree Rollins both had gone after him earlier this year. He's sitting there and he has a 4-year-old kid next to him and he's just saying the rottenest swear words and I just went for him.

"As soon as I did, the guy just got the weasliest look on his face, though. It's like if you're going to slap a kid and he gets that look of terror on his face and you just stop. I just wanted to turn around and go back to the bench, but by that time of course it was too late. All kinds of people were involved."

Funny.

"I just saw Kevin going in there and I went to pull him back," coach K.C. Jones said. "By the time I got there, though, everybody was grabbing everybody."

"Oprah Winfrey was sitting about four rows from where the whole thing happened," equipment assistant Joe Quatato said. "She was watching the game with her boyfriend. Maybe Kevin was just going back to meet Oprah Winfrey."

Oprah Winfrey? Funny.

The bench collapsed. The original big mouth found himself wrestled to the floor by security people, his face pressed against the three-point line as someone kept a foot on his neck. Someone said the guy simply was pulled there by his yellow necktie. Whomp. The beer began to fly. Forward Fred Roberts seemed to be looking for certain antagonists.

The entire scene resembled the finish of one of those movies -- "Animal House" and "Revenge of the Nerds" come to mind -- that have all the characters involved in some wacky finale, custard pies everywhere. What next?

"I've been going to the Bruins' training room every day for treatments since I hurt my ankle," McHale said. "Maybe that's what did it. I sat next to Nevin Markwart and his spirit took over. Don Warden, the therapist, was saying the other day that when the hockey players have fights, even if the guy gets killed, blood all over his face, everyone will say to him in the locker room, 'How to mix it up in there.' I was going to give Don a call today and see if he'd say it to me."

Funny.

McHale said he was reminded of the time the Bruins climbed into the stands at Madison Square Garden. Remember that? Remember one of the Bruins whomping at the guy with the guy's own shoe? Wasn't Brad Park doing the whomping?

"I don't think so," a reporter said. "I think it was Mike Milbury."

"Milbury!" McHale said. "I was talking with him just the other day in the trainer's room. Maybe that was it."

The craziest part of all is that the characters in Friday night's production will be brought back to the same place this afternoon at 1 o'clock. The Celtics...the Bucks...the mascot, "Bango The Buck"...the band with Ricky Pierce's wife as vocalist...McHale...the crowd.

Most of the crowd.

"The security guards told me they won't let the guy back in that seat today," Kevin McHale said. "He'll be back next year, though, and that's the one thing that bugs me. I'll be paying a fine and he'll be back yelling at people next year and someone probably will pop him and the guy will sue. It's not right."

And that was it. I couldn't track down any other significant details about this incident. Hell, I never even found out how much McHale was fined (or if he was). At that point, the incident basically disappeared from living memory. What's more, I watched that game live and didn't even remember McHale going after that fan until I ran across the YouTube video during an unrelated search.

Mind you, this incident was pretty high profile for the time. The Celtics were the defending champs, and McHale had played so well that season he finished fourth in MVP voting (behind Magic Johnson, Michael Jordan and Larry Bird). And this was the playoffs! It's a pretty safe bet the entire NBA world was watching that game.

The incident happened, it passed quickly and everybody survived. End of story.

Shouldn't it still be that way? Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that players should be allowed to go after fans. That's definitely not okay. But the level of freakout that happens in reaction to these incidents has gotten entirely out of hand. And that probably includes me. For instance, I get pretty heated when somebody like Dwight Howard maims somebody with an elbow when I should probably just say, "Wow, what a douchebag," and move on.

I wonder: What's the appropriate amount of attention and concern that should be given to events like these? Was there too little in the 1980s? Is there too much now?