Worst of the Night the Lakers lost to the Cadavers

This picture sums things up quite nicely...don't you think?
The Los Angeles Lakers: Mind Status: Blown.

I mean, it was a little over a month ago that the Cadavers lost 112-57 in L.A. That was the worst loss in franchise history. And it was exactly three games ago that Cleveland set the NBA record (and tied the all-time record for the four major professional sports) for most consecutive losses. According to Basketball-Reference, the Cadavers rank 30th in Expected W-L, 30th in SRS, 30th in Defensive Rating and 29th in Offensive Rating. They are, without any doubt, the worst team in the league. They may be one of the worst teams ever.

But they beat the Lakers. A team that clobbered them by 55 only 36 days ago.

And now William Shatner provides his artistic interpretation of what the Lakers must be feeling right now:


As J.A. Adande pointed out in ESPN's Daily Dime, the Lakers now have as many losses against the bottom three teams in the league as they have victories against the top five teams in the league. But even that doesn't really cover the scope of this defeat.

The Cadavers had lost 37 of their last 39 games. It had been 40 games since they had won a game in regulation. yet Cleveland scored 17 points on the fast break, 23 points off 19 forced (and unforced) turnovers and 50 points in the paint. They finished with an Offensive Rating of 111.0...about 10 points per 100 possessions better than their season average.

Cue this stunning quote from Andrew Bynum: "We knew they were going to come out and beat us, and we just didn't play any D."

We knew they were going to come out and beat us.

Maybe that attitude explains Bynum's statistical stink bomb: 2-for-12 shooting and almost as many fouls (5) as rebounds (6) in 22 minutes.

Kobe (8-for-24, 1-for-6 from downtown, 7 turnovers) played like poop, too. I think maybe we should upgrade his "flu-like symptoms" to "mortal wound-like symptoms." Ron Artest was such a no-show (2 assists, 1 point, zero rebounds in 18 minutes) that channeled his inner Bill Walton and Tweeted this:


Even the Lakers who played well sucked. Derek Fisher scored 19 points on 8-for-12 shooting but got lit the hell up by Ramon Sessions, who came off the bench to score a season-high 32 points (9-for-16 from the field, 13-for-14 at the line) and dish 8 assists. Pau Gasol had an Animal-Style double-double (30 points and 20 boards), grabbing 10 offensive rebounds and going 14-for-14 from the line. But he made countless defensive mistakes and even got posterized by Christian Eyenga (who had just blown by Mamba by the way):


And then there was this:


Said Gasol: "It's a painful, painful loss. It's very disappointing. I don't understand it."

None of us do, Pau. None of us do. But there are theories.

Said Phil Jackson: "I think they took the [All-Star] break before the game started."

Added Lamar Odom: "We take teams lightly at times. We play the cat-and-mouse game. Sometimes the cat loses."


Some credit should go to Dan B. for his sweet stat curse in yesterday's BAD post: "The Lakers just got their asses handed to them by the Bobcraps. Stepping back in time just a few weeks, the Lakers handed the Cadavers one of the most brutal losses the league has ever seen. Footage of that game is the closest thing to a snuff film most people will ever see. So yeah, I'm not too worried about the Lakers' chances tonight."

Frankly, after exulting in this game, the rest of these entries are gonna be a letdown. But I will bravely soldier on.

The Toronto Craptors: Welcome back, Chris! But not really.


So get this: The cHeat apparently put this game in the "Win one for the Gipper" category. Before the game, somebody apparently wrote "Band of Brothers" on the scouting board. LeBron said: "We wanted to be there for [Bosh] as a brother and a teammate." And afterwards, Miami coach Erik Spoelstra added: "We're all happy for Chris. It was not our best game but guys definitely wanted to band together and win it for him."

Reality check: Chris Bosh left Toronto. Not the other way around. This whole "rally around him" thing is the equivalent of Emperor Palpatine sending Darth Vader a sympathy card for cutting off Luke's hand.

Anyway, credit the Craptosaurs for playing the cHeat reasonably tough, even if "tough is a word you don't typically (or ever) use for a team featuring Andrea "Soft as a Pillowtop Mattress" Bargnani (38 points on 15-for-26 shooting). But although they didn't get blown out...they still lost for the 17th time in their last 19 games and are now only five wins better than the Cadavers.

Chris Bosh: After his current team rubbed his former team's nose in its own feces, the RuPaul of Big Men blew kisses to the crowd as he headed to the locker room. What the hell was up with that?

When asked if he was being sarcastic (read that: an asshole), Bosh said: "What does sarcasm mean? It was sarcastic to all the naysayers, it is real to all the supporters. People are going to take it the way they want to."

The Washington Wizards Generals: Having finally secured their first road win of the season, the Generals apparently decided that blowing gruesome chunks was once again the accepted response to playing outside of their nation's capital.

Washington shot 34.9 percent, went 3-for-13 from beyond the arc, bricked eight freebies, dished out only 8 assists, trailed by as many as 29 points and finished with only 76 points in a 25-point blowout loss.

All because Nick Young was out with a sore knee.

Said Generals coach Flip Saunders: "We were outmanned. Not having Nick hurt a lot. I thought we played really hard the first half, but couldn't make a shot. It was one of those things, the harder we tried the harder we fell. It was like being in quicksand."

Countered Andray Blatche: "We reverted back to our old selves. [The] 'I'm going to be the guy who's going to get us over the hump' instead of 'we.'"

Personally, I think 'Dray is closer to the mark than Flip.

Update! J.J. Redick: Basketbawful reader Gökhan provided this most worthy link:


The New Jersey Nyets: If you only looked at New Jersey's field goal percentage (38.8) and the final score (94-80), you would assume this was yet another in the string of hapless beatings the Nyets have endured since Devin Harris said "We knew we were going to be a playoff team" back on December 9, 2008. They're 42-150 since then by the way.

However, this didn't turn into a blowout until the very end. In fact, the Nyets were ahead 78-77 until Ray Allen drilled a triple with 5:58 left in the fourth. That started a 16-0 run that turned a competitive game into a mercy killing.

Screamed New Jersey caoch Avery Johnson: "RAY ALLEN -- THE LAST PERSON WE WANT SHOOTING A THREE IN THE GYM -- HE MAKES A THREE ON US. WE JUST DIDN'T SCORE FROM THAT POINT. THEIR DEFENSE JUST CLAMPED DOWN ON US."

Speaking of The Little General, he called a timeout 29 seconds into the game after Paul Pierce hit a layup to cap a 2-0 game-opening run for the C's. A little reactionary, don't ya think, Avery?

Anyway, the Nyets are now 0-9 in their division and 17-40 on the season.

Paul Pierce, quote machine: Joking about his 0-for-10 game against the cHeat: "Something was wrong with the rim or the ball."

The Indiana Pacers: Allow me, if you will, to repost what Roy Hibbert said after Tuesday night's loss to the cHeat:

"The rest of the season, we're coming. We're not backing down. We're not having any lackadaisical games. We're on the prowl. We're hungry."

Now allow me to quote Danny Granger after Wednesday night's 115-109 overtime loss to the Pistons (21-36):

"Sometimes a team goes on vacation one game early for the All-Star break, and this is what happens. We didn't do anything on defense and we got beat."

I just have to point out that Basketbawful reader Crjoe called it in last weekend's comments section: "Cue the losing streak for the Pacers, Yahoo! has officially deemed them "surging"...after downing the T-Wolves none the less."

I'm telling you all: The "Surging Curse" is real. It's real.

John Kuester, coach of the year candidate: "As a coach, you shouldn't teach effort."

The Minnesota Timberwolves: The Clippers have been surging lately, too. The same why my bowels surge after a night of Jägerbombs and a 3 a.m. stop at Taco Bell. In complete and total seriousness, how awesome is a Cheesy Double Beef Burrito when you can't feel feeling anymore?

Still, bad as they've been lately, they're still better than the Tenderpoops, who converted only 35.4 percent of their field goals, missed 17 of their 24 three-point attempts and bricked 11 freebies. Did I mention they were playing at home? In related news, they're 0-5 at the Target Center this month.

Of course, Minny was without Michael Beasley for the fifth game in a row and had to sit Jonny Flynn due to his continuing recovery from hip surgery.

Said T-Wolves coach Kurt Rambis: "I hate to say it, but if there has ever been a team I have been around that needs the [All-Star] break, this is the team."

Countered Darko Milicic: "We can't make excuses, we're tired, we're hurt, whatever. We're missing everything."

Personally, I think Darko is closer to the mark than Kurt.

The Atlanta Hawks: I know their record is pretty good (34-21), but the Dirty Birds are just so...average. They rank 13th in Defensive Rating (105.8) and 15th in Offensive Rating (107.2). According to Basketball-Reference, they're 16th in SRS (0.34). They're just this sort-of-okay, middle-of-the-pack team that's probably just kind of killing time until it's probable (inevitable?) first round playoff exit.

Case in point: Last night's listless blowout in New York.

Said Atlanta coach Larry Drew: "We just totally went away from our game plan. We have a recipe when we play on the road and I thought early the warning signs were there early in the first quarter. Especially defensively. I wasn't as concerned offensively. My main concern was defensively. We had multiple defensive breakdowns and then at the offensive end we just started settling. Being on the road you have to get the shots you want."

Whatever. The Hawks are "Dead Team Walking." Meanwhile, according to the AP recap, the Knicks "at 28-26 matched their average victory total for the last five full seasons. They didn't even earn their 28th victory last season until April 6 and haven't been above .500 this late in a season since they finished 48-34 in 2000-01."

Who needs Carmelo Anthony, right? Am I right?

The Sacramento Kings: The Return of Rodrigue Beaubois (13 points, 6 assists, 3 steals in 21 minutes) was too much for the Paupers of Purpledom. Dallas -- behind Roddy B and J-Kidd -- punched out a 24-4 second half run and led by as many as 26 points before settling for a 116-100 win.

Make it seven losses in the last nine games for the 13-win Kings...now only three victories better than the Cadavers.

The Milwaukee Bucks: Stop me if you've heard this before: The Bucks shot under 40 percent and were held below 87 points in a...

...oh so you've heard this before? Over and over you say? As in all season?

As Charles Barkley would say, these guys couldn't score in an empty gym. What a waste of a one-night thawing out of John Salmons (33 points on 13-for-23 shooting). Many thanks -- in the form of a basket full of rotting fruit -- go to Andy Bogut (1-for-7 from the floor, 1-for-4 from the line) and Brandon Jennings (1-for-11 from the field, 0-for-6 from beyond the arc).

By the way, Jennings (37.5 FGP this season and 37.2 FPG for his career) has officially entered The Larry Hughes Zone. Please stop taking so many bad shots, Brandon!

Worst shooting team. Lowest scoring team. Losers of eight out of 10 games and 13 games on the south side of .500.

Said John Salmons: "'Melo put on a great performance tonight, but we were still able to be close at the end,. We just have to be able to make a couple of plays to get over the hump. It is frustrating, but we just have to keep playing through it."

Added Bad Porn: "We're just going to take this [All-Star] break and come in with a different attitude."

Corey "King of Attitude Change" Maggette has spoken! I'm sure everything will be just fine now, Bucks fans.

The Utah Jazz: No Andrei Kirilenko (sprained ankle), Raja Bell (strained calf) or Ronnie Price (sprained toe). A non-existent _efensive performance against the Gol_en State Warriors (54.5 percent shooting and an O-Rating of 114.7). A 107-100 loss, at home, which was the team's 13th defeat in 17 tries.

Jerry Sloan was too old and tired for this shit. No wonder he resigned.

Nothing is going right for the Jazz these days. Hell, even EnergySolutions Arena is quitting on them. Last night, during the second quarter, a power outage knocked out half of the overhead lights. There was a two-minute delay before the officials said "fuck it" and restarted the game despite the fact that, according to the AP recap, the arena "looked more like a dimly lit high school venue."

Said Deron Williams: "The [All-Star] break came at the right time." Speaking of D-Will...

Deron Williams: The self-proclaimed "best point guard in the league" was 5-for-13 from the field and 1-for-5 on threes. In the three games he's been free of Jerry Sloan's Offensive of Oppression, Williams is 15-for-43 from the field and 5-for-15 from outside the big arc. He's also committed 13 turnovers in that stretch.

The New Orleans Hornets: Check it out: The Portland Frail Blazers won their season-high sixth game in a row and surged -- that's right, they surged, people -- a season-best eight games over .500 despite the continuing absence of three-time All-Star Brandon Roy.

Despite...or maybe because of?

Look, I don't mean to bust too hard on Roy, especially in light of the news that he may have only 1-2 years left in his career even if he basically doesn't practice, is reduced to an off-the-bench player, gets limited to 65-75 games per season, and is forced to rest thoughout the year.

But, I mean, come on. This is a guy who earlier this season proclaimed "I want the ball a lot more" despite a pretty obvious decline in physical skills and then basically blamed teammate Andre Miller for said decline.

But inspect the numbers: 10-13 with Roy and 22-11 without him. And, quite frankly, Portland's offense is better, much better, when the first, second and third options are not "isolate Roy while everybody else stands around and watches."

And with the way he's been playing, it's becoming clearer by the day that the Blazers' O should revolve around LaMarcus Aldridge.

Anyway, the Hornets continued their own decent into hell with their third straight loss. New Orleans has now dropped nine of 11 games following a 10-game winning streak that may have been, you guessed it, fools' gold.

Said Chris Paul: "It's really tough. The only good thing is we've got a lot of basketball left to play. It will be good for us to get a chance to regroup and see what we can do."

Speaking of CP3, he must have drank from the same Elixir of Suck that D-Will has been sipping from. In February, Paul has gone 40-for-94 (42.6 percent) from the field and 7-for-21 (33.3 percent) from downtown. Over his last five games, he's shooting 17-for-54 (31 percent) overall and 2-for-9 (22 percent) from long range.

Update! Funtastic Extra: Basketbawful reader allison provided this list of highest scoring games without a free throw. I'm not even remotely surprised to see guys like Wally Szczerbiak, Chuck Person and Vince Carter on this list. I am, however, more than a little shocked that Hakeem Olajuwon once scored 48 points without even attempting a freebie. Fittingly, he did it against the _enver Nuggets.

Chris's Awesome Lacktion Ledger:

Generals-Magic: Hilton Armstrong checked into the ledger with a board countered by two fouls in 8:02 and a turnover for a 3:1 Voskuhl.

Nyets-Celtics: Johan Petro provided his usual Voskuhl by pureeing a pair of points in 10:47 (and a board) with three fouls and two giveaways for a 5:3.

Fellow Jersey Shore lounger Ben Uzoh ultimately undermined contributory basketball by bricking twice in 86 seconds, taking a rejection, and fouling once for a +4.

Clippers-Wolves: Brian Cook warmed up a foul and two charity stripe misses in 1:18 for a +3.

Purple Paupers-Mavs: Luther Head tossed spiky shells for 37 seconds to earn a non-celebratory Mario. Meanwhile, the Mavs' Ian Mahinmi made a board meaningless in 7:23 after losing the rock once and fouling out for a 7:1 Voskuhl!

Nuggets-Bucks: Jon Brockman fouled once for a +1 in 3:13.

Warriors-Jazz: Ekpe Udoh undid a rebound in 15:42 with four fouls and two turnovers for a 6:1 Voskuhl, while fellow Bay Area resident Vladimir Radmanovic bricked thricely in 7:27 and also fouled that amount for a celebratory +6!

For Utah, Kyrylo Fesenko found himself back in the ledger by augmenting an assist with a foul and turnover in 6:09 for a 2:0 Voskuhl. And Francisco Elson finagled a shot attempt for a +1 in 2:38.

Bawful After Dark: February 1, 2011

"Damn Maggette, your breath is funky! Ever heard of Listerine?"
Attention Bawfulites! This Joe Posnanski blog post about the Cleveland Cavaliers Cadavers is required reading: Losing As Destiny.

The Mavs are at it again. This time, we are treated to Tyson Chandler Punch-Out:


Body blow! Body blow!

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Only one thing comes to mind: that one sound from The Price is Right

Pacers fans are a never-ending source of entertainment

Speaking of the Pacers, here's their new head coach, Frank Vogel. I can see we're gonna have fun with this guy

LeBron, now with karate chop action!

Back off, Sean Combs Puffy Daddy P. Diddy. You haven't been relevant in a decade

Elbow stinger to the crotch = best way to freeze your defender, apparently

"Oh, sorry. You weren't drinking that, were you?"

All The Games:
Wizards Generals at Hornets, 8pm: Twenty four road game losses to start the season. The Generals have now secured at least the third worst start away from home. In hindsight, perhaps having Red Klotz take over the team was a bad idea.

Spurs at Frail Blazers, 10pm: Speaking of playing on the road, it's time for the Spurs' annual Rodeo Trip. Nine consecutive road games while the rodeo takes over the AT&T Center. They tend to use their rodeo trip to work on problems and get set for the stretch run to the playoffs. So what a better way to start than a slowdown, defensive grindout against the Blazers? I don't really have a joke here -- I am just interested to see how the Spurs respond to this particular game.

Celtics at Kings, 10pm: Intriguing matchup. Both of these teams have taken down the mighty Lakers recently! (Of course I'm being facetious and fully expect the Purple Paupers to revert back to the mean and resume their usual sucky ways)

Rockets at Lakers, 10:30pm: STOP THE PRESSES! According to ESPN, "Sore knee keeps Andrew Bynum out of Lakers' practice." Of course it does. Whomever had "before February" in their "Bynum Jacks up His Knees" pool, please collect your winnings.

Also, there's talk that Mitch Kupchak may not be opposed to making some moves to strengthen the Lakers roster.

Head coach Phil Jackson was asked what changes his team would make.

"Suicide," Jackson deadpanned. "We'll commit suicide ... mass suicide."

Lakers forward Lamar Odom assured reporters that nobody was jumping off a ledge.
"No, no, no," Odom said. "There's no coming back from that, that's it. I'm not committing suicide."

So, that's good news I guess? The Lakers aren't going to commit suicide. You can rest easy now, Wild Yams.

Worst of the Night: December 2, 2010

"We got Carlos Boozer back. Yay."
WizardsGenerals-Raptors: Let's go to our live correspondent (via the BAD comments):

Hey loyal Basketbawul readers! Toronto resident and faithful Craptors fan The Other Chris here with an eyewitness account of tonight's exciting lacktion - Craptors vs. Generals!

Now, the last time these two teams played on November 17th, the Raptors had just come off of a Florida back-to-back where - despite their 1-7 record - they beat Orlando at home and gave Miami a good run. They then travelled to Washington, to play one of the worst teams in the NBA, on three days rest.. and got their asses handed to them like a turkey on Thanksgiving. I personally stopped watching said game in abject disgust. The Internet tells me that the corpse of Gilbert Arenas scored 20 points, with Bawful All-Star Andray Blatche dropping 22 and Nick Young chipping in 20. This is without #1 overall pick John Wall, by the way.

So the stage was set for a classic revenge game. Or more bipolar girlfriend play from the Raptors. Which team would show up - the one that beats Orlando and Boston, or the one that gets bitchslapped at home by Atlanta and Charlotte?

Well, the Raps and Wiz must have a prop bet about who can suck more on the road, because Washington started badly and went downhill. Then rolled off a cliff, smashed into the bottom, caught on fire, and exploded. After allowing the Raptors to score 72 points in the FIRST HALF, Washington "responded" by coming out after halftime and immediately turning the ball over three times for three layups. 28 point lead, game over.

Someone forgot to tell Washington that the game had started and it was time to do things like defend the rim, or defend at all, because the Raptors were running a layup drill all night. Let's see - 58% from the field, 55% from three. And that doesn't begin to reflect the beating the Dinos laid on the hapless Generals. Seven Dinos reached double figures; basically everyone who can throw it in the ocean was free to do so at will. Only the offensively limited trio of Amir Johnson, Joey Dorsey and Julian Wright (5 minutes) really failed to score.

Surprisingly for a team which that features Andray Blatche and JaVale McGee at the power positions, the Wizards also managed to rack up a -22 rebound differential. You know, in the same way it was surpising that Ricky Martin is gay. And this without Reggie Evans playing, a player who has no discernible NBA skills other than "getting every fucking rebound". Andrea "Allergic to Rebounding" Bargnani had 8 boards fer Chrissakes.

Lastly, but certainly not leastly, this game featured extended minutes for the likes of Alonzo Gee (starting - way to "blossom", Al Thornton), Cartier Martin, Kevin Seraphin, and Trever Booker. Protip: If when the announcer calls the names of your players checking in, and someone as NBA-obsessed as myself doesn't know who they are, your team is in a whole heap of trouble. Had I been drinking, I might have assumed that I had some sort of aneurysm and ended up at a D-League game in Idado by accident. The talent and energy the Wiz showed tonight - giving up 100 points by the end of the 3rd quarter - was certainly reflective of that.

Basketbawful correspondent The Other Chris signing off. Next up: Craptors and Nyets, Friday, Decemer 17th!

PPS. There is one play in particular which summarized the goings-on of last night. The ball was swung to Sonny Weems on the left baseline, in the first quarter. There was no one within a country mile of him. He began to aggressively drive towards the basket, but hesitated for a split second - you could see him thinking, "Surely someone is going to rotate over and challenge me?". Well, the closest defender to the unfolding baseline dunk was Future NBA 1rst team _efence Null Star Andray Blatche. He took about 1/10th of a halfhearted step towards the baseline, then gave up and went into his famed statue defence. Sonny drove from the 3 point line to the basket, soared in for a dunk, and there was still no one with 5 feet of him.

Forgot about hand in the face. How about some part of the body in some general vicinity of someone.

Also the list of groups attending the game included as the last one: Vandelay Industries. I don't know if you've heard, but they're in latex.

The Chicago Bulls: I'll go ahead and refer you to my recap at By The Horns for all the grisly details of this massacre, but here are the lowlights:

Despite all the good vibes from Chicago's first winning circus road trip since the Michael Jordan era and the return of Carlso Boozer, the Magic straight up owned the Bulls. They got whatever they wanted. They scored at will and finished with an Offensive Rating of 126. As in 126 points per 100 possessions. They totally dominated that shaded rectangle known as the paint, outrebounding the Bulls 44-21 and outscoring them 27-10 in second-chance points and 46-26 in the paint. The 26 points in the paint were a season low for the Bullies. Their 78 total points were also a season-low. And the 21 rebounds were a franchise low.

Chicago's worst rebounding game ever? Yep.

The previous low was 25 boards in a 102-80 loss to the Miami Heat on February 18, 2002. That particular Heat team won only 36 games. That Bulls team -- which featued a starting lineup of Fred Hoiberg, Kevin Ollie, Trenton Hassell and "Baby Bull" rookies Tyson Chandler and Eddie Curry -- won only 21.

But the 2010-11 Bulls surpassed them in rebounding ineptitude. Speaking of which...

Joakim Noah, Worst Player of the Night: Back on Thanksgiving night, Charles Barkley predicted the Bulls would win the Eastern Conference and reach the NBA Finals. Not in the future, mind you. Chuck said the Bulls would do it this season.

This prompted a strong response from Joakim Noah:

"Poison. We're not in the Finals yet. I love Chuck. I think he's great for the game. I love his honesty. He always tells you how he feels. But it's poison. ... I want to be in the Finals. But just because Chuck says it doesn't mean that we're there, ya know? We got a long way to go. We got a big game against Orlando. ... I love Chuck, but at the end of the day, it's one thing to talk about it, and it's one thing to actually live it."

Remind me to add "prophet" to his next scouting report.

Noah -- one of the NBA's premier rebounders over the past two seasons -- began the night as the NBA's second-leading board hauler-inner at 13.2 per game. And he finished last night's ass-kicking with...

...zero rebounds.


Do you know when the last time Noah went an entire game without grabbing a rebound? It was December 27, 2008, in a 129-117 loss to the Atlanta Hawks. In that game, Noah logged five minutes and 35 seconds and finished with a five trillion. But there's a world of difference between the Joakim of then and the Joakim of now. Before last night, Noah had never gone rebound-less in games in which he'd played at least eight minutes. What happened?

I guess he was poisoned.

Said Noah: "It's frustrating. That's my job, to rebound the basketball, and I wasn't able to do that tonight."

No kidding.

Carlos Boozer: I know it was his first game back and all, and I realize that he's rather, ahem, slow afoot. But Rashard Lewis -- a guy I didn't even realize was physically capable of crossing over the three-point stripe -- walked right around him for an easy layup in the first quarter. That might have been Rashard's first layup since his Seattle days. Oy.

Update! Stan Van Gundy, quote machine: From Shrugz via ESPN's DailY Dime: "How'd the Heat do tonight? Was their chemistry good, did they all get along? Tomorrow, the only the thing that's going to be on ESPN is LeBron going back to Cleveland, right? Because ESPN only covers two stories -- Brett Favre and the Miami Heat. And then we have about five minutes for the rest of the sports world."

The Boston Celtics: Yes, the Celtics won their fifth game in a row to run their record to 14-4. And yes, the Frail Blazers lost their fifth game in a row and fell two games below .500. But Boston still earned a little stink eye for wasting a 57 percent shooting night not to mention a 96-80 lead by letting Portland go on a late 15-0 run to make it a one-point game with 42 seconds left.

It took a clutch three-pointer by Ray Allen -- who shot 3-for-12 and had been 0-for-5 on threes to that point -- to pull the C's fat out of the fire.

Mind you, this was a home game for the Celtics. But hey, giving up double-digit leads has been a trademark of this team for the past two seasons. So I guess everything went according to plan.

The Portland Frail Blazers: Yeah, well, there's that whole "two games below .500" thing to take into consideration.

Jermaine O'Neal: From the AP game notes: "Injured Celtics C-F Jermaine O'Neal told Rivers he hoped to begin working out again next week after being out with a sore left knee. O'Neal has played in just seven games this season."

The New Jersey Nyets: If a team was going to lose a triple-overtime game at home to the Oklahoma City Thunder on a night when Kevin Durant sat out with an injury...does it surprise you whatsoever that it was the Nyets?

Okay, maybe you'd expect it to be the Clippers, but still.

Believe it or not, the Nyets looked like destiny was on their side when Anthony Morrow sent the game to overtime on a running three-pointer at the end of regulation. But New Jersey couldn't hold onto a six-point lead in the first overtime and then, in the second overtime, they were leading by three with 4.6 seconds left when Stephen Graham fouled Jeff Green on a three-point attempt. Green sunk all three freebies, the game went to a third overtime...

...and, well, I'm sure you can guess what happened.

Actually, maybe you can't. Russell Westbrook -- who BLEW UP for 38 points, 15 rebounds, 9 assists and 3 steals and might be surpassing Kevin Durant as the best player on the Thunder -- scored all 13 of his team's points in the third OT.

That's not to overlook Jeff Green's career-high 37 points. But damn.

Said New Jersey coach Avery Johnson: "THIS IS A GAME OF WAVES AND CYCLES. THIS IS PROBABLY THE GAME OF THE YEAR IN THE NBA, IT'S JUST TOO BAD WE'RE ON THE LOSING END. I TOLD MY GUYS THAT I'M AWFULLY PROUD TO BE THEIR COACH."

In related news, the Nyets are now 6-13 on the year and 4-5 at home.

The Charlotte Bobcraps: Michael Jordan's team fell to 6-12 on the year -- and just 3-7 outside of Charlotte -- after being held to 11 fourth quarter points and scoring a mere 73 total points against the New Orleans Hornets.

Bobcraps coach Larry Brown -- who's probably already looking around and wondering which teams are going to have coaching vacancies this season -- said: "It's the same old, same old. We didn't match their intensity. They have a couple of finishers. West and Chris Paul took over. They defended great. They made every play and we didn't."

Stephen Jackson: The Bobcraps sure could have used Stephen Jackson during last night's fourth quarter meltdown. Too bad he was suspended.

The Los Angeles Lakers: Allow me to quote the opening line of the AP recap: "
The Los Angeles Lakers have lost four straight for the first time since April 2007." And now allow me to state a possibly significant fact: None of Phil Jackson's 11 championship teams have ever lost four games in a row.

I...I think I just got goosebumps!

The Lakers sure did look invincible during the first few weeks of the season, when they were playing mostly at home against sub-.500 teams. Now the defending chumps have lost four in a row, with the last two losses coming on the road against sub-.500 teams. And as Pat Sullivan of The Dream Shake noted, "Falling Sky" has been added to the list of natural hazards currently plaguing Los Angeles.

So what happened last night? The Lakers' defense "held" the still Aaron Brook-less and Yao Ming-less Rockets to 109 points on 50+ percent shooting and "shut down" Shane Battier, holding him to a mere 11 points in the final three minutes. And who was "defending" Battier during that stretch?

Mr. Bean.

Yep. As Basketbawful reader Bing pointed out, L.A. got beaten by this guy. Let's watch Battier dominate Kobe and the Lakers...shall we? Of course we shall.


And Kobe was pissed. So pissed, in fact, that I couldn't even read the Bucks-Nuggets recap without seeing his unhappy face. Which, naturally, made me very happy.

Kobe's displeasure...it's everywhere.
Said Kobe: "How do you know how good we think we are? We're fine. Are we going to win a three-peat today? Probably not, but the [expletive] is not played today. We've got to do a better job," he said. "Houston shot 50 percent tonight ... that's unacceptable for our defense. We're slow. We're slow on rotations. It looks like we're kind of running in quicksand a little."

On the subject of the Black Mamba, Kobe's having an interesting season. He's the NBA's second leading scorer at 26.7 PPG. Yet he's having his second-worst year shooting the ball -- or his worst-ever year if you go by eFG% -- and he's somehow managing to lead the league in shot attempts (leading second-place Monta Ellis 400-351) and Usage Percentage (leading second-place Kevin Durant 35.9 to 32.2) despite playing the fewest minutes per game (33.5) since his rookie season.

L.A.'s recent woes when Kobe takes 20+ shots have been well-publicized. Last night, he went 10-for-24. In fact, Basketbawful reader draftaraujo offered up this:

New formula if
X = Kobe Bryant,
Y = Shots taken

X+Y > 20 = Fail

Okay, almost done. Despite the presence of the game's "best closer," this graphic from ESPN Stats and Information illustrates how anti-clutch the Lakers have been this season:


Update! Ron Artest: From Dan B: "Unreal. From Deadspin: Ron Artest called into a Rockets post-game show pretending to be Luis Scola. Of course he did."

The San Antonio Spurs: When the Spurs opened the season with an NBA-best 15-2 record -- including 8-0 on the road -- did anybody think they'd lose to the Clippers? Anybody? Bueller?

No. Of course nobody thought this would happen. I mean, the Clippers had lost 18 straight games to the Spurs and owned the league's worst record at 3-15. And yet, against all reason, The Other L.A. Team has now beaten a team with the NBA's best record for the second time in 10 days thanks to last night's win against the Spurs and their recent victory over the New Orleans Hornets.

It...makes the kind of sense that doesn't.

Said Eric Gordon: "Yeah, we play well against teams that have a good record. We just have to compete like that all the time. Our offense was good, and we didn't have any letdowns during the game. We just have to be consistent."

It helps when the veteran team you're playing against is on the second night of back-to-backs and ends up shooting 35 percent.

Said Tim Duncan: "We played badly, bottom line. Nobody played well. I played awful. The ball wouldn't go in the hole. On top of that, Blake played great, Eric played great and they kept making shots down the stretch. ... Our defense gave us a chance, and we got to that threshold where a 3-ball or any made shot would have got us right in it, and we couldn't get the ball to go down."

Added Spurs coach Gregg Popovich: "You have to give the credit to their defense and to their energy, so I'm happy for them. It's the NBA, and anybody can beat anybody at any time."

I guess so.

Bonus bawful stat: San Antonio was outscored 56-34 in the paint despite the fact that Chris Kaveman missed his 11th straight game with a sprained ankle.

Bonus bawful quote: From the AP Recap: "When Duncan fell to the court holding his foot in the second quarter after drawing a foul on an apparently clean block by DeAndre Jordan, a fan near courtside screamed: 'We know bad acting, Tim Duncan. This is L.A.!'"

Duncan face!

Bonus bawful video and memo to the NBA: If you see Blake Griffin running toward you...GET OUT OF THE WAY.



I can't find video of Griffin posterizing Matt Bonner, but I can give you this quote from Basketbawful reader Andrei: "Not only did Matt Bonner get posterized by Griffin tonight, but his name is censored by twitter: '@jadande Wow, Matt ***** came this close to getting Mozgoved.'"

I'm pretty sure Basketbawful readers know what "Mosgoved" means, but just in case...

The Milwaukee Bucks: John Salmons broke out of his slump by scoring 21 points. Corey "Bad Porn" Maggette added 17. Freaking Larry Sanders had 14 points, 10 rebounds and a crazy 8 blocked shots. And Carmelo Anthony was ejected with 2:40 left in the third quarter for bitching at the refs about a no-call.

None of it mattered. The Bucks -- now 6-12 -- lost anyway.

Said Maggette: "They had their best player out with Melo getting thrown out of the game. We really should have capitalized on it but we didn't. We just didn't do the things we needed to do while they continued to execute."

For the game, the Bucks shoth 32-for-80 from the field and gave up 41 free throw attempts while bricking nine of their 32 freebies. Milwaukee actually led by as many as 11 points...then lost by double-digits after falling victim to a 'Melo-less onslaught.

The Detroit Pistons: The Heat found their easy button. It was the Pistons.

The Indiana Pacers: Indy began the day yesterday with a surprising 9-7 record and an even more surprising third-place ranking in Defensive Rating.

One game against the Jazz -- during which Utah scored 110 points and had 29 assists on 45 made baskets -- and the Pacers dropped to 7th in D-Rating. It didn't help that Indy scored only 88 points and gave up 26 points off 18 turnovers.

The Jazz are now 15-5 and a far cry from the discombobulated team that opened the season with a 110-88 loss to the Nuggets and then a 110-94 defeat by the Suns. Deron Williams had 26 points, 16 assists and zero turnovers. Al Jefferson (17 points, 10 boards, 2 blocked shots) has Utah fans saying "Carlos who?". And the Jazz look pretty darn tough.

Said Jerry Sloan: "We could have exploded early in the season. Guys could have gone south. But they stayed together."

As for the Pacers -- playing on the second night of back-to-backs and in their third road game in four nights -- they had no legs...as evidenced by Utah's dominance on the boards. The Jazz outrebounded Indy 46-32, including 19-7 on the offensive glass. During the first quarter -- when Utah outscored the Pacers 35-17 -- the Jazz had a 14-3 rebounding edge.

Al Jefferson, jump shooting quote machine: "I always had a jumper. I just never had to use it. I was always greedy. I like that paint. In this offense, you got to be able to hit that jumper."

Andre Kirilenko, broken english quote machine: "It's ups and downs in the NBA. You remember in preseason we won eight in row, then the beginning of the season we went down, then the road trip we went up then, home games we've been sloppy. Now we're up again. I hope we can stay up a little bit more."

Chris's Lacktion Report:

Grizzlies-Hawks: Zaza Pachulia didn't get wealthy in 11:59 after taking down three boards, but did get a 4:3 Voskuhl after three fouls and a turnover.

Thunder-Nyets: Royal Ivey struck a vein of gold coins and criminis in just 26 seconds for a Mario!

Generals-Raptors: Kevin Seraphin segued into the Association tonight with a 100% field goal percentage (on one shot) in exactly 13 minutes...only to counter that and a board with 4 fouls and a turnover for a 5:3 Voskuhl.

Frail Blazers-Celtics: Sean Marks made himself known for Portland tonight not by earning a board in 7:58, but by bricking thricely, losing the rock twice, and coming one foul away from leaving the game in a 7:1 Voskuhl!

For Boston, Von Wafer has continued to establish himself as the Association's premier lacktator after a 3 second Super Mario!

Pistons-Heat: Erick Dampier celebrated his presence in South Beach by reacting to a board in 8:11 with three fouls for a 3:1 Voskuhl.

Magic-Bulls: Jason Williams searched for Princess Peach in 18 seconds in a Mario, while for Chicago, Kurt Thomas bricked once in 1:49 for a +1 suck differential.

Wolves-Mavs: Lazar Hayward tossed two pieces of masonry (once from Pioneer Plaza) for a +2 in 3:43.

Bucks-Nuggets: Gary Forbes opened up an early Christmas present of the Lost Levels cartridge in 44 seconds for a Mario.

Pacers-Jazz: Francisco Elson treated Utah fans to a 2:1 Voskuhl in 7:51 after garnering two fouls against a board.

Worst of the Night: November 30, 2010

Piece of advice: Enjoy Paul Westphal's facepalms while you still can.
The Cleveland Cavaliers: The Cavs were the first team to beat the Celtics this season. And, frankly, it probably had more to do with Boston overlooking a lesser opponent than anything Cleveland did. Still, Byron Scott had his battle plan ready:

The Cavs plan to try and exploit [Shaq] in tonight's game at Quicken Loans Arena.

"One of our reasons we were successful the first time: We got up and down the floor and put Shaq in a lot of pick-and-rolls," Cavs coach Byron Scott said. "That won't change.

"If we do that, our guards will get wide-open shots. (We'll try to spread the floor) as much as possible and move it from one side to the other."

That strategy worked so well that Cleveland's starting guards -- Mo Williams and Anthony Parker -- went 8-for-23 from the field. The Cavaliers shot 39 percent as a team, got outscored 60-26 in the paint, fell behind by 20 and eventually lost 106-87. By the way, those 26 points in the paint were two points away from Cleveland's season-low.

Time for a new battle plan, Byron.

Anyway, whoever wrote the AP recap had a blast with this one. Check out these gems:

"It will be really hostile," said Cavs forward J.J. Hickson, who was held to one point by the Celtics. "It's no secret. He [James] is coming back to where he originally started. It's going to be a great environment. I'd be lying if I said it's a normal game."

And:

When he was replaced with 4:04 left by Von Wafer, Rondo was applauded by everyone on Boston's bench and got a loving slap on the backside as he walked past Rivers.

And even though this line was removed -- probably by some eagle-eyed editor -- Basketbawful reader allison got a screen shot:

Celtics G Delonte West had successful surgery to repair his broken right wrist. Has a team ever reported an unsuccessful surgery?

In related news: No, I did not get a job with the Associated Press.

Byron Scott, quote machine: Regarding Boston's dominance around the basket: "It was like a layup drill."

The Portland Frail Blazers: When the Frail Blazers were beaten by the New Orleans Hornets last Friday, it was their fifth loss in eight games. But the Portland faithful told the naysayers to back up a step and look at the competition in those five losses: The Lakers, Thunder, Hornets, Jazz and Hornets again.

Well, the Blazers have now lost four in a row and seven of their last 10 games. They've fallen to 8-9. And their last two losses have been to the New Jersey Nyets (6-12) and, last night, the Philadelphia 76ers (5-13).

Portland managed only 79 points on 37 percent shooting. During the fourth quarter, they went 4-for-20 and got outscored 22-11. And Brandon Roy played more like the Ghost of Tracy McGrady, finishing with 10 points on 3-for-9 shooting. Roy scored only 2 points in the final 24 minutes.

No word when Greg Oden will be back. Roy's knees will probably never get better.

Poor, poor Portland...the former Team of the Future. Now, when you hold up a Frail Blazers media guide to your ear, all you hear are creaking joints, snapping tendons and the sound of a thousand sad trombones.

Nate McMillan, coach of the year candidate: "You've got to take care of the ball, you've got to defend the ball and you've got to score in this league."

Doug Collins, quote machine: On Andre Iguodala's contributions: "He was our ace of spades tonight even though he did not score that many points."

Ace of spades?

The Detroit Pistons: Since their 90-79 road loss to the Magic wasn't that surprising, I'll let Tayshaun Prince write the epitaph to this loss...which dropped Detroit to 6-10 overall and 2-8 on the road: "We've had some success against them. They always know that when we play them we're ready to play, but in the fourth quarter, they were really ready for us this time."

Charlie Villanueva, delusion machine: "This is a game we could have closed out."

Mickael Pietrus, quote machine: "J.J. [Redick] and I are like brothers, even though I stay under the sun a little more than he does."

Tracy McGrady Watch: 3 points, 1-for-4, 3 rebounds, 2 assists and a game-worst plus-minus score of -16 in 18 minutes. And the following quote, regarding whether he can now understand the injury problems Grant Hill suffered through:

"I still wouldn't understand because he went through like four years," McGrady said, shaking his head. "I couldn't imagine."

McGrady's Games Played
2007-08: 66
2008-09: 35
2009-10: 30
2010-11: ??

The New Jersey Nyets: The game was tied at 65. Devin Harris got hurt. The Knicks ripped off a 14-2 run. Game over.

Screamed New Jersey coach Avery Johnson: "OH MAN, A BIG GAME CHANGER. DEVIN IS A GUY THAT WE RELY ON HEAVILY. IN THE SENSE IT'S KIND OF LIKE IF THEY LOSE STOUDEMIRE. ON A LOT OF NIGHTS DEVIN'S BEEN ONE OF OUR TOP TWO PLAYERS. IT WAS TOUGH TO OVERCOME IT."

So tough, in fact, that the Nyets didn't overcome it.

The game did provide a fun (if defenseless) battle between Brook Lopez (season-high 36 points on 14-for-24 shooting) and Amar''''''e Stoudemire (35 points on 13-for-22 from the field).

The Knicks-Nyets "Rivalry": From the AP recap:

Both will play in New York once the Nets move to Brooklyn in 2012, but for now their rivalry mostly exists off the court. The Nets put a billboard featuring owner Mikhail Prokhorov and part-owner Jay-Z near Madison Square Garden, and the Knicks responded by putting Stoudemire on an ad near the site of the Barclays Center will stand in Brooklyn.

An ad ran during MSG Network's telecast of the Knicks' victory at Detroit on Sunday advertising this game by telling the Nets, "You can walk like us, you can talk like us, but you ain't never gonna be like us."

The Nets fired back in an e-mailed statement from Prokhorov on Tuesday that read: "I don't think we want to be like the Knicks. I think we'd more like to resemble the Lakers."

OH. SNAP.

But both D'Antoni and Johnson dismissed the idea of a rivalry until it involves postseason meetings between the teams.

"You don't really get a rivalry unless you're in the playoffs," D'Antoni said. "It doesn't work during the regular season when you're [saying], 'Oh boy, we knocked them out of ninth place."

D'Antoni's got the right idea. The Knicks haven't had a winning season in a decade. Then again, the Nyets won only 12 games last season...so in comparison New York's standard 30-35 wins would probably feel like when you wash your sheets and then go outside and hang them out, and the sun dries them.

By the way, before everybody gets all excited about New Yorks 10-9 record, I will remind you that 1) this team had a six-game losing streak earlier this season and 2) check out the murderer's row of teams they've beaten during their recent "hot" streak: Kings (4-12), Warriors (8-10), Clippers (3-15), Bobcraps (6-11), Bobcraps (again) Pistons (6-12) and Nyets (6-12). Hey, kudos to them for taking advantage of a soft stretch in the schedule. But the schedule has a way of catching up to teams...

...just sayin'.

The Sacramento Kings: Here's the first line of the AP recap:

Slumped over in his chair, staring aimlessly at the locker room floor Tuesday night, Danny Granger of the Indiana Pacers had little energy thanks to a nagging case of the flu.

Forget that it sounds like the first line of a high school angst poem...Granger was apparently pretty sick. But not too sick to drop a season-high 37 points on 12-for-19 from the field and 10-for-11 from the line.

That's what it's like these days in Sacramento: Feeling bad? The Purple Paupers will make you feel better. Meanwhile, the Kings have dropped five straight and 10 of their last 11.

And check it: Of Sacramento's five starters, only Tyreke Evans reached double figures (16 points on 4-for-14 shooting). That unit's plus-minus scores: Evans (-18), Jason Thompson (-14), Donte Green (-12), Sammy Dalembert (-12) and Luther Head (-11).

Said DeMarcus Cousins: "I'm mad and I'm frustrated about losing. My own opinion is I think different strategies should be used in the game. But I was playing selfish and it [the practice incident] was a good lesson for me. I learned from that."

What practice incident you ask...?

DeMarcus Cousins: Apparently, Cousins is trying to steal the "Big Baby" nickname from Glen Davis. But for all the wrong reasons.

Recently, Cousins got yanked from the starting lineup and fined because of an argument with the team's strength and conditioning coach. Then on Monday, he got booted out of practice by coach Paul Westphal. Reason: Unknown.

Said Westphal: "It was a necessary move in our continued attempt to help him develop. I'm not going to get into details. He was asked to leave early."

Paul Westphal, coach of the year candidate: "DeMarcus isn't the first player who has been dismissed from practice and he won't be the last."

Consider yourselves warned, Kings players.

The Gol_en State Warriors: Seven Spurs players scored between 12 and 27 points. Tim Duncan (18 rebounds, 15 points, 11 assists) had his third career regular season triple double, and his first RSTD since March 14, 2003. San Antonio had 31 assists on 42 made field goals, scored 30 fast break points, converted 16 forced turnovers into 20 more points, and committed only 11 turnovers themselves despite playing a fast-paced game in which they attempted 91 field goals and 31 free throw attempts.

And just like that, the Warriors have lost eight of their last 10 games.

Said David Lee: "When you don't play your best ball against an experienced team like San Antonio, there's a reason their record is the way it is. They don't necessarily do it with all athleticism and power and length. They do it with smarts and they take advantage of any mistake that you make."

And in the Warriors' case, there are lots of mistakes...

The Los Angeles Lakers: According to the AP recap, the defending chumps had "Get back on track" written on the board in their locker room. And that's exactly what they did...if you consider being punked by the Grizzlies -- L.A.'s third loss in a row -- getting back on track. I guess it was like one of those train tracks you find in the movies, you know, the ones that run right to the edge of a steep cliff for no discernable reason.

The Lakers killed it on the boards, outrebounding the Care Bears 42-29 overall and 13-5 on the offensive glass. They were also +9 in made free throws. But L.A.'s shooting -- "led" by Kobe's 9-for-25 night -- was pretty bawful: 43 percent from the field and 31 percent from downtown.

Speaking of Kobe's shooting, here's what ESPN Stats and Information had to say:

The Los Angeles Lakers might have to learn that a little less Kobe Bryant may go a long way this season.

On Tuesday, Bryant scored 29 points but it took him 25 shots to get there in a 98-96 loss to the Memphis Grizzlies. During the Lakers current three-game losing streak, Bryant has attempted at least 20 shots in each game and has averaged 26.3 FGA per game.

This season, the Lakers are 2-3 when Bryant attempts at least 25 shots in a game, compared to 11-2 when he attempts fewer than 25 shots.

Look even deeper and you will see that all five of the Lakers losses have come when Bryant has at least 20 shots. When Bryant attempts fewer than 20 shots, the Lakers are 7-0.

Regarding Kobe's shot-jackery, Phil Jackson said: "I think he felt like he had to carry a little bit of the load. Kobe's going to come out there and attack if no one else is aggressive enough. He's going to test the defense, and the other guys are going to have to step in."

In related news, Mamba is 41-for-97 (42 percent) over his last four games. In fact, he's shooting 42.8 percent on the season. It's the lowest mark since his rookie campaign...when he shot 41.7 percent. What's more, his Effective Field Goal Percentage (46.4) is a career low.

Of course, the real story of this game might be the one shot Kobe didn't take. Specifically, the final shot of the night. Down 98-96 with time running out, the Lakers got lucky when Mike Conley lost the ball in a collision with Pau Gasol. L.A. recovered, but Jackson didn't call time. Kobe brought the ball up, and...

Said Kobe: "I went middle and I had the shot that I wanted, but I lost the handle on the ball while I was going up, so I kicked it to Ron. Ron took a dribble and shot."

Make that: pump fake of nobody, dribble and a shot. When Artest received the ball, he was wide open. Coulda just been a shot. But it wasn't. And that gave Rudy Gay the opportunity to stuff Ron-Ron. Game over.

Said Artest: "It was well-executed. I learned something from that today. That was great execution. His close out was perfect. ... He closed out, chopped his feet a little bit. Stayed low, didn't go totally for the head fake and recovered."

Ironically, this happened one day after the following article was published at SLAM ONLINE:

Trouble began to brew late Friday night in Utah, as Ron Artest dribbled around aimlessly in the fourth quarter before hoisting up an awful shot. Artest again made a few questionable decisions on the offensive end last night, as the Lakers lost in dramatic fashion to the Indiana Pacers at home.

Phil Jackson was unimpressed to say the least, and for the second consecutive game, he pulled Ron-Ron aside to discuss matters. Jackson wouldn’t divulge details of the chat, but Artest was more than happy to share.

Fox Sports has the quotes:

"He told me I should have called timeout when we got the offensive rebound," Artest said. "Kobe wanted the ball. Kobe was going to hit a three. When I saw Kobe, I was going to give it to him. I asked (Jackson), could everybody else on the court call timeout since I had the ball? And he said yes." Artest paused and then smiled. "He forgot to address it with everybody," he said. "But that's OK."

Jackson declined to detail what he said to Artest, preferring to keep it private. Artest said he was comfortable with his role, but noted that his feelings were irrelevant. "I listen and I take in the good, what can help me. But then I've also got to be like I made it this far for a reason," said Artest, whose 3-pointer brought the Lakers within 89-86 and got the crowd on its feet. "How do I not be selfish but at the same time listen? I'm sure he didn't want me to take that last three tonight. It’s all about playing and trying to figure out a way. We’ll be OK."

Last season, Jackson routinely criticized Artest’s decision-making in the triangle offense, and during some heated moments during the Playoffs, he flat-out instructed his team not to pass him the ball.

It's very early in the season, but worth noting that Ron Artest is averaging career lows in both points and minutes.

Anybody hear that? Sounds like somebody just opened a bottle of Crazy Pills.

Meanwhile, Pau Gasol (15 points, 14 boards, 4 assists, 4 blocked shots) had another long night (45 minutes). As AK Dave said in the BAD comments: "That's too many minutes. I think coach 'Jax knows that."

Chris's Lacktion Report:

Celtics-Cavs: Von Wafer has firmly established himself as Boston's best human victory cigar since Brian Scalabrine, tonight bricking once from Euclid Avenue and adding on a foul for a +2 suck differential in 4:04!

For Cleveland, Jawad Williams also earned a +2 via brick and foul, but in 2:46.

Nets-Knicks: Stephen Graham cracked open a care package from Mr. Prokhorov and found 2.95 (2:56) trillion in unwrapped ruble notes!

The Dolan Family's finest provided one turnover for Shawne Williams in 1:37, giving him a +1. Timofey Mozgov made one shot in 8:53 along with a rebound, but also fouled four times and lost the rock once for a 5:3 Voskuhl.

Lakers-Grizzlies: Hasheem The 2nd Overall Dream Thabeet pulled two boards in Memphis's victory over Team Mamba...but in his 9:36, he fouled an Oden-like four times for a 4:2 Voskuhl. Tony Allen added three bricks and a foul in 4:29 for a +4.

Spurs-Warriors: Dan Gadzuric was game enough to go 100% (on one shot) in 6:34, but three fouls and a turnover led to a 4:2 Voskuhl. Jeremy Lin, the man who has been tasked with saving the Warriors franchise all season long, tossed three bricks (twice from the charity stripe), lost the rock once, AND took a rejection for a +5 in 3:34!!!!

Worst of the Night Returns!

Yep. Worst of the Night is definitely back.
The Miami Heat: Let me start off by saying it's way, way too early to start making any kind of definitive statements about, well, pretty much anything. I mean, Mike Miller is out and Dwyane Wade played, what, three minutes during the preseason?

Still, nobody expected this pile of oozing open sores and flaming poo. The Super Friends of South Beach (a.k.a. The Nazgul) opened this exciting new era of team stacking by scoring -- waaaaiiiit for it -- nine points in the first quarter.

Seriously? Seriously.

It seems impossible, but it's true. Despite Pat Riley colluding, er, I mean, convincing three of the league's best players to form that weird three-robot Voltron in Miami, the Heat shambled zombie-like out of the gate, shooting 11-for-41 (26.8 percent) in the first half and falling behind 41-22 with just over two minutes left in the second quarter before "closing" to within 45-30 at halftime.

Of course, last season's Celtics tended to take a little nappy nap after building huge leads, and it happened again last night. The Heat pulled to within three points late, but Boston closed them out, giving NBA fans outside of Miami a giant, throbbing erection. For the game, the Heat shot 36 percent from the field, gave up 17 points off 17 turnovers, and got outscored 38-24 in the paint.

This is the kind of shit that killed Red Auerbach. Just sayin'.
Advanced stat of the game: Miami's Offensive Rating was 90.4, which means they scored at a rate of about 90 points per 100 possessions. With three of the best players in the world. Again, I am just sayin'.

The Nazgul: Let's see. LeBron was the best of the three Ringwraiths, scoring a game-best 31 points (10-for-21 from the field, 8-for-12 from the line). However, it was like some kind of bizarre Cleveland flashback, with King Crab totally dominating the rock. (Yes, forensic investigation revealed only one set of prints on the ball.) Only instead of a triple-double, 'Bron finished with more turnovers (8) than assists and rebounds combined (7).

As for Wade -- remember everybody, this is still his team -- he went 4-for-16 from the field and finished with 13 points, matching assists (6) and rebounds (4) with turnovers (6) and fouls (4).

Last and most certainly least, the RuPaul of Big Men struggled his way to 8 points (3-for-11) and 8 boards. Oh, and according to the AP Game Notes, "Bosh is 2-12 in Boston, the most losses he's had as a visitor against any team." There are no coincidences.

Kevin Garnett: Rough final stretch for KG. While the Heat were coming back in the final minutes, Garnett was fading slowly and sadly away. He bricked a four-footer with 3:41 left. He fouled Udonis Haslem with 3:30 left (Haslem hit both freebies). He lost the rock to D-Wade with 3:11 left. He missed a 16-footer with 2:33 left. He clanged two crucial foul shots with 1:37 left. Then he committed an offensive foul (moving pick) with 1:15 left.

If the Heat had pulled this game out, they would probably would have sent KG a thank you card and a nice fruit basket.

LeBron James, excuse-making machine: "It's a feel-out process. When you have so many options, it's something I'm not accustomed to, having that many threats out on the court at the same time."

Fun fact: According to ESPN Stats and Information: "LeBron James had 31 points and 8 rebounds. Last season, James was 1 of 4 players who had at least 30 points and at least 8 turnovers in a game. The others were Kevin Durant, Monta Eliis and Kobe Bryant. Tuesday was the 7th time in his career in which he's scored at least 30 points but had at least 8 turnovers. That's tied with Allen Iverson for the most such games since LeBron's rookie season."

Huh. Kinda looks like a target doesn't it?
Dwyane Wade, rationalization machine: "This is one of 82. Sorry if everyone thought we were going to go 82-0. It just ain't happening."

Nope. It ain't.

Update! LeBron's new commercial: From Basketbawful reader Austen: "I'd throw in a Worst of the Night for Lebron's new Nike shoe commercial, where he spends what felt like at least 5 minutes whining and moaning about the public reaction to 'The Decision.' Seriously, get over yourself, and shame on you, Nike, for encouraging him."

In case by some oddity you've missed it, here's the commercial:


It's actually a pretty slick commercial, what with the clever dig at Charles Barkley via Chuck's famous "I Am Not A Role Model" commercial (also by Nike) and a great cameo by Don Johnson as Sonny Crocket. But as Austen pointed out, it's basically LeBron and Nike begging you to a) love LeBron for doing what's right for him and b) buy his new shoes.

Memo to LeBron: You had every right to do right by yourself. You chose living in Miami, playing with your friends and what seemed like the best and easiest path to a championship over busting your ass in Cleveland year after year. This is America. There are brave men and women who will fight to the death to protect your constitutional right to be as big an asshat as you want to be.

But we, as fans, also have the right to mock and ridicule you for it. Right? What should we do, LeBron? WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

Man love: This heat has nothing to do with the Miami Heat...

Ssssssss...feel the sizzle!
The Phoenix Suns: Last night, the Seven Seconds or Less Era gave way to the Small Forwards of Doom Era. Notice how one of those sounds wicked-cool and the other sounds like a tragic mistake in basketball logic?

Well, yeah.

Actually, the Suns were playing pretty well and led 81-75 after three quarters. Then they got outscored 31-11 in the fourth.

Said Steve Nash: "We ran out of gas a little offensively."

Yeah, you could say that. You could also say the Suns were careless and sloppy with the ball, giving up 21 points off 19 turnovers. Without Amar''''''e, they still managed to score 44 points in the paint, but there was no run and very little gun, as Phoenix managed a mere 6 fast break points.

Advanced stat of the game: The Blazers didn't shoot all that well (46 percent as a team), but they cleaned up on the offensive glass, grabbing 18 offensive boards for a mind-boggling Offensive Rebound Rate of 43.9 (compared to 18.9 for the Suns). No defensive rebounding...it's like Amar''''''e never left!

Steve Nash: Nash giveth...and Nash also giveth away. Captain Canada kept the Suns kinda-sorta in the mix by scoring a game-high 26 points on 10-for-19 shooting to go along with 4 rebounds (almost matching Robin Lopez's 5 boards) and a team-high 6 dimes. Unfortunately, he bobbled the ball away 9 times. It's like he was impersonating Brett Favre or something.

Aim for their hands, Steve. Their hands.

Hedo Turkoglu: I have one word for you: Turkododo. That is all.

Memo to Turk: That's not how basketball is played.
The Houston Rockets: In my Southwest Division preview post, I said something about the Rockets being, what was it, slow as paste? Then they go out and score 17 fast break points against the Lakers in their season opener.

Man, am I good or what?

Anyway, people may want to talk about Mamba's 27 points and 7 assists, but let the record show that the defending chumps were outscored by eight points when Kobe was in the game. No, the Lakers -- who trailed by as many as 15 points and were down by 11 in the third -- had their asses saved by Shannon Brown (who went berzerk from three and scored 14 of his 16 points in a 6.5-minute stretch during the fourth) and Steve Blake (who drilled the go-ahead trey with 18.8 seconds left).

Shades of John Paxson! Or...something.

Meanwhile, the Rockets -- who were outscored 61-48 in the second half -- looked like the Keystone Cops on their final (and potentially game-tying) possession. Luis Scola missed a crappy-looking pooper-scooper with three seconds to go, and then (after a video review awarded possession back to Houston) Aaron Brook got a layup attempt spoon-fed back to him by Lamar Odom.

The only thing missing was a little Benny Hill music.

Said Brooks: "When I caught the ball, I didn't know exactly where I was on the floor. Then I took a dribble and realized where I was, and I tried to drive, but my leg kind of slipped."

Advanced stat of the game: L.A.'s Turnover Percentage was only 10.0, compared to 16.2 for Houston. Specifically, the Lakers gave up only 10 points off 12 turnovers, while the Rockets surrendered 20 points off 21 turnovers. Kind of a big deal in a 2-point loss.

Bonus Fun fact: From ESPN Stats and Information: "The Lakers came back from an 11-point halftime deficit, outscoring the Rockets 61-48 in the second half. It's their third straight season-opening win and their eighth win in their past nine games versus Houston. The Lakers are now 41-22 in season openers, good for an all-time best .651 win percentage."

Wow! The Lakers are just so good on opening night! Just for kicks and giggles, I decided to do a little research. Going back to the 1995-96 season, the Lakers have played 13 of the last 16 season openers at home. As always, I'm just sayin'.

Update! The Lakers' ring ceremony: From AnacondaHL: "Also, there should be a quickie WotN mention to that Lakers ring ceremony, which was so completely awkward for everyone involved. Okay, Fisher's intro of Kobe was pretty funny. And it did show us that there is a massage therapist and an equipment manager with more rings than LeBron."


Okay, I have to know: How much did Kobe pay for the blowjob Fisher gave him during that ceremony. Mein Gott, that was a GFE if I've ever seen one.

Rick Adelman, quote machine: "They're the world champs, and we knew it was going to be tough. But I thought we responded pretty well. I think [for] about seven minutes, we just didn't play the way we're capable of, and they got back in the game."

For the record, seven minutes is about 15 percent of an NBA game. That's a decent chunk of time to not play the way you're capable of. Just sayin'.

Justin Bieber: If there is any justice in this universe, this guy's obituary will one day read: "Died of natural causes during face punches." And that day will be soon.

Pictured: Douchebag.
Lacktion report: Chris and his lacktion reports are back too!

Heat-Celtics: Zydrunas Ilgauskas began a new chapter of riding King Crab's claws by negating a field goal and three boards in 10:39 with two giveaways and four fouls for a 6:4 Voskuhl!

Suns-Frail Blazers: The fabulous Fabricio Oberto forced a rebound in 3:03, but found enough time to finagle a pair of fouls and a turnover for a 3:1 Voskuhl.

Rockets-Lakers: Chuck Hayes countered an assist and block in 14:49 with three fouls for a 3:0 Voskuhl, while our first true lacktion artist of the season is the Lakers' young Derrick Caracter, who provided a caricature of a professional basketballer with a foul and brick in 2:14 for a +2 suck differential that also doubled as a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl!

Bawful After Dark: Opening Night!

Why post this picture of the Rockets from 1986? Why not!(via Andy Gray's SI Vault)
Finally! Opening Night is upon us! Savor this feeling and enjoy every minute of it since it's looking awfully likely that we'll see a lockout next year. Damnit. Hmmph... Guess I'll just have to watch football instead next year -- oh, wait...

The start of a new season naturally means new uniforms. And this year we even get treated to a completely new jersey style -- 27 teams are now wearing jerseys constructed from "engineered mesh," and uniform numbers are now made from a mesh fabric. Naturally, teams have made some alterations to their uniform designs, logos, and so forth. To get caught up on all the uniform changes this season, check out Paul Lukas' Uni Watch column. Highlights include the Cavaliers new super-boring uniforms, the Jazz have brought back the music-note, the Magic have a new alternate jersey, the Mavericks have changed the color of their road unis, the Warriors have badass new jerseys, and the Timberwolves have removed all the green from their uniforms. (To quote Lukas, "what's the point of depicting a tree line if you can't tell they're trees?")

Surprise, surprise. The Knicks may have broken NBA draft rules by conducting secret workouts of collegiate players for the past several years. What does it say about your organization if you can cheat and still suck?

Oh, and here's a completely random link that will ruin your shit for the rest of the day: The 10 weirdest physics facts, from relativity to quantum physics. Strangely enough, there is no mention of Tracy McGrady's legs being tired without having done any work to make them tired. I suppose that is one question that science still cannot even begin to comprehend.

Nationally Televised Games:
Heat at Celtics, TNT, 8pm: What's that? It's only the first night of the season, yet you're already tired of hearing about King Crab's move to the Heat (like these guys)? Well, TNT, ESPN, and the rest of the national media have this to say:


What's truly sad is that I will still be interested in actually watching the Heat play this year, no matter how tired I get of hearing about them. Seeing Wade and LeBron work together will be entertaining, but I'm also just dying to see 37 year old Juwan Howard and 35 year old Zydrunas Ilgauskas protecting the paint.

Oh, and Mike Miller has a broken thumb. The Heat are doomed! Doooooooooooooomed!

Meanwhile, to nobody's surprise, the Celtics are planning to start Shaq at center against the Heat. Considering Jermaine O'Neal will probably pull a muscle and suffer a stress fracture drinking Gatorade on the sidelines, this move somehow makes sense. Then again, we'll just have to watch an ugly offensive effort as Shaq's glacial movements and gargantuan body clog the paint for Rajon Rondo. (Or, according to Chris, "more like clog his own arteries." Touché.)

Rockets at Lakers, TNT, 10:30pm: Thanks to Auto Draft, I have Kevin Martin on my fantasy team. Uggghh. I'm sure that will somehow bite me. Meanwhile, the Rockets should theoretically be on a bounce-back year after missing the playoffs last season. Yao Ming is finally kinda-sorta healthy again, and he will be playing limited minutes to help keep his feet from crumbling like a sandcastle in high tide. Of course it's pretty much a given that he'll still get hurt anyway, but one can dream, right? If nothing else, Rockets fans can play NBA 2K11 and watch in delight as Virtual Yao jumps for a rebound and has his head three feet above the rim. (Realism!)

The Lakers, on the other hand, are coming off their most recent championship. However, Adam Morrison is no longer with the team. This surely must mean their reign of championships is over. You HAVE to have somebody that can slap high fives on the sidelines while looking extraordinarily goofy, and other than Scalabrine, nobody does it as well as Morrison in today's NBA.

All The Other Games:
Suns at Trail Blazers, 10:00pm: Well, Amar''''e Stoudemire is finally gone. Suns fans such as AnacondaHL and myself hoped they'd finally acquire someone who has the desire to crash the boards and snag a few rebounds. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Like a soccer mom buying in bulk (because you can never have too much ketchup even if you don't have a main course to put it on, apparently), the Suns have loaded up on small forwards instead of getting a solid big man. Hakim Warrick, Josh Childress, and Hedo Turkoglu? Come on! Did they have a "buy two, get one free" special or something? (Also, Turkoglu Turkododo is likewise on my fantasy team. Here's to hoping Steve Nash continues to be a miracle worker.) Meanwhile, coach Alvin Gentry says the Suns will continue to base their offense around the pick-and-roll, even though they don't really have a solid big man to get points in the pant. Expect lots of bricked long range jump shots coming off the screen. Hurray!

Fun fact of the day: Brandon Roy scored a career high 52 points at the Rose Garden back in December 2008 against the Phoenix Suns.

2010-11 NBA Season Preview: Pacific Division

Everybody wants a piece of that Lin.Or that kickin' new uni.

Hey readers. AnacondaHL here, standing in to bring you the Pacific division preview. Let's get this started.

The Golden State Warriors

Crap.

The Los Angeles Clippers

Crappy Crap.

The Los Angeles Lakers

Crappier than people will expect.

The Phoenix Suns

Less crappy than people will expect, but nevertheless, crap.

The Sacramento Kings

Crap up in this bitch.



...


...ugh, fine, I'll do this properly.

Let's try this a different way. The NBA preseason has come to a close, and without going into a discussion about how well preseason success correlates to regular season records, (oblig link 1, oblig link 2), let's take a look at how the Pacific did:



Good Lordy. To help me get through this, aside from the multiple Pacificos, I'll be posting Basketball Prospectus' SHOENE projection for each team next to my projection and their standing in the West. Also, don't ask me for the rest of the projections, go spend your $10 on this fantastic read that's well worth it.

The Golden State Warriors

So, due to alphabetic obligations, we unfortunately start with the team with the most questionable SHOENE outlook. Is there a factor in the equation that accounts for an awesome switch back to throwback uniforms?

Well if anything there's some consideration to the coach. With the loss of The winningest coach in NBA history, you'd think the Warriors would be set to repeat or worse their 26-56 2009-10 record. Of course everyone knows that I'm joking, and that Don Nelson leaving is addition via subtraction, and Keith Smart has a chance to prove himself, beyond wacky games with limited rosters.

Throw in the growth of Stephen Curry as a star, and the acquisition of David Lee, the pickup of hard worker Sweet Lou, the room for Reggie Williams and Andris Biedrins to develop (and to hopefully improve his 16.0% FT%), and Monta Ellis ready to chuck it up, and the Warriors could be a surprise team in the West playoffs. And did I mention their pickup of Jeremy Lin? He's Asian! And American! And went to Harvard! Best PR use of an Asian player on an NBA basketball team since not Yi.

Still, I just don't see this squad nearly doubling their win total. David Lee's sieve defense is notorious in the Big Apple, and yet he fits right into their "get the steal or bust" methods. If anything, they've solidified their worst-in-the-league 112.4 points surrendered per game, and may give Toronto a run for their money at worst defensive rating next season.

I'm still jealous of their uniforms though.

SHOENE says: 49-33 (4)
AHL says: 40-42 (12)


The Los Angeles Clippers

Another year looking strong on paper, another year of disappointment. Don't get hyped up on this team as always, they are fighting to stay out of the bottom of the entire West.

Well let's start with the good news. Blake Griffin is looking monsterous. Hulk-esque, if you will. (Bonus YouTube to hype up the 3 Clippers fans).

*Keanu voice* Whoa.
In addition, Eric Gordon's coming off a solid tournament with Team USA. Kaman is Kaman, good for solid numbers. Ryan Gomes was brought in as their utility man. And Baron Davis looks to continue his obligations to this team, while mentoring Eric Bledsoe in the ways of the beard.

And now the bad news, which we all see coming a mile away. Yes, they are the Clippers. Meaning inevitable suck, notable due to inevitable injury. Poor Blake throws himself around the court with reckless disregard, Eric Gordon already seems banged up with a sprained ankle, Baron Davis is Baron Davis (averaging ~63GP per season the past 8 seasons), and Kaman is Kaman (also ~63 GP/season his past 6). That leaves poor Ryan Gomes to hold down the fort with Rasual Butler, Randy Foye, Craig Smith, and DeAndre Jordan. Yea.

Also, Donald Sterling. Still around. Yea. 'Nuff's been said about that.

SHOENE says: 27-55 (15)
AHL says: 24-58 (15)


The Los Angeles Lakers

Our World Champion 5th ringers seem like the team to beat. They dumped Morrison while keeping their championship core, adding PG Steve Blake, SF Matt Barnes, and C Theo Ratliff. They even held onto Mr. Sasha Maria Sharapova.

So why the crappy outlook?

To put it simply: age. Projected team weighted age sits at 30.8, 3rd oldest in the league. Bynum's question marks. Kobe's finger. Artest's crazy. Everything's going downhill with this team. Going from 65 wins in 2008, to an astonishing 57 wins last season thanks to a truckload of Kobe game winners, to what this season?

Well of course the Suns fan in me can't help to expect the best out of the Lakers, and I'd love to chase them out of the postseason in Golden State over Dallas fashion. Additionally, I can see the Lakers doing something amazing for PJax before finally blowing it up. Finally, Kobe seems hungrier than ever for number 6.

But honestly they're going to have to rely on Pau much more (not necessarily a bad thing), and are really one Gasol injury away from dropping to the bottom seeds, hence BP's low outlook on their season. I'm just saying, don't be surprised if they aren't even 2nd seed come April, even in this pathetic division.

SHOENE says: 46-36 (8)
AHL says: 55-27 (1)


The Phoenix Suns

All we needed was to replace Amar''''''e with a solid rebounder who could block some shots and maybe finish at the basket.

Instead we end up with an Atlanta-esque team of SFs. A team of 7 6th men when we needed 3rd-9th.

How did this go so wrong so fast? Was Steve Kerr actually responsible for good decisions, covering for the crapfest Sarver serves? I mean I knew he was bad, but how do you NOT know how to pull off a sign and trade for an actual asset like David Lee, instead of a trade exception I'm sure you're too stupid to know how to use as well?

Anyways, I still think surprising chemistry prevails in this case, as these guys genuinely seem to like each other. Throw in another age defying season by Nash, and the Phoenix medical staff reviving the corpse of Hedo (not to mention Jason Richardson's $14.4 million contract year), and these guys will likely not end up with records as bad as projected. As much as I'd love to see these guys get 50, it seems the West this year will be logjammed at 49-45 wins.

SHOENE says: 37-45 (12)
AHL says: 44-38 (7)


The Sacramento Kings

Rookie 20-5-5.

The steal of the early draft.

The pride of Israeli basketball.

The Super Landry Brothers.

That, uh, bipolarish center guy whose foundation I've actually donated to.

Guys named Beno, Giddens, Pooh, Head, Whiteside, Jason and Mason, Donté (acute accent required!) and Ime Udoka.

Even guys with boring names like Francisco Garcia, Antoine Wright, and Donald Sloan.

And last but not least, but least in some other sense, a gift from the god to our lacktion specialist and Bay Area enthusiast chris, Darnell Lacktion Jackson.

What's not to love about this team? I mean other than a 9th seed upside, multiple character issue risks, and speeding tickets.

SHOENE says: 43-39 (9)
AHL says: 39-43 (13)


Final Verdict for the 2010-11 Pacific Division: Waiting for a bunch of old guys to get injured, funny combinations of names, a couple of first round playoff exits, and Jeremy Lin.


-AnacondaHL