Evil Ted Live Blog: Celtics / Spurs

UPDATE: To all you Kevin McHale lovers out there...I spent my formative years in Boston during a time when you didn't have the full basketball story until you heard it from, first, Larry Bird, and second, Kevin McHale. In the 80's, reporters would flock to Larry, and then Kevin, after a big game. And Kevin never disappointed. So my Kevin McHale expectations are pretty damn high. Doesn't mean I don't like him. It means I expect a lot from him. After being a front office guy for so many years, the relaxed, easygoing, shoot-from-the-hip McHale is now stiff and uncertain in front of the camera. He is not the KM I adored lo so many years ago. I think he has the potential to be great (much in the way that Barkley is great, or in the way Conan O'Brien, who in his first year as a talk show host was awful, became at ease in the limelight, and turned his tall, angular frame into a comedic asset rather than a freak-show detriment). Yes, I'm making fun of Kevin, but it's just tongue-in-cheek. Stay cool, my babies, as Conan would say. My criticism comes from love, and the sincere hope that he can return to being what he once was.

Ok, enough of this smarmy love letter. On to the Live Blog.

*********************

Here's your Kevin McHale-style intro to this live blog:
Let's play ball, folks!

Commentators: Kevin Harlan / Kevin McHale

When did Kevin McHale (heretofore referred to as the “personality drain,” and “KM”) become uncool? I remember like 25 years ago he did some promotional appearance at Bank Five in Arlington, Massachusetts, and there was nobody there to see him. I could have talked to him for an hour, but I was a doofy teenager and didn’t have the nerve, and didn’t have anything to say. Now I feel like Kevin and my “something to say” roles are reversed:

His opening analysis? “Both teams want to win this game tonight.” Brilliant.

Winning! Duh.

God, I still wish I had found the nerve to chat with him 25 years ago, or at least managed to build a time machine so that my 40-year-old self could chat it up with him. Oh, well, today’s Kevin will have to do. One thing I did gain from doing this live blog is the realization that he can be funny and enlightening if you:
- Squint really hard.
- Pay close attention to what he says, then immediately disregard it and make up your own commentary.
- Imagine Bill Walton in his place.

1st quarter

11:05 – Pierce gets called for his first foul for letting Tony Parker run into, and fall onto, him.

10:50 – KG jumper rattles in.

10:11 – KG gets called on a moving pick on Ginobili, who “sells it well” according to the personality drain. McHale points out that Ginobili was voted second-best flopper in the league. I saw that in my Sports Illustrated, so Kevin only gets a ½ point for “enlightening comment.” Number one vote getter in that flop contest? Derek Fisher. True enough, but Ginobili is still the most creative and versatile flopper, and he has the best flop video dedicated to him.

9:20 – Pierce tries to go up for a weak dunk off a rebound. Duncan stops the shot effortlessly, making Pierce look like a runt amateur.

8:54 – Glen Davis with a nice little 8-foot hook shot. The C’s would be dead without his ability to play taller than he is. And his ability to exude emotion that goes way beyond what is necessary.


7:43 – Rondo hits his second consecutive jumper. Wow. Are the planets aligned or something? Moon full?

Celtics 15 – Spurs 15

Jermaine O'Neal is in the game. Apparently he’s 12 pounds lighter to keep the extra weight off his knees. This may not seem like much, but I recently learned that every pound lost supposedly takes 4 pounds of weight off the knees. Seems like BS – not sure if it’s true, but it sounds good. I was watching some cable show called HEAVY about morbidly obese people trying to lose weight (did you know one-third of all shows on TV are now about morbidly obese people trying to lose weight? True fact), and the doctor told this enormous woman that very thing. Maybe he was just feeding her lines to make her feel better (and because she needed to be fed something). The doctor said something nice to her to encourage continued weight loss, but it would have been so awesome if instead he said something like “You’ve gone from 375 pounds to 345 pounds, Melinda. So before, it was like you were carrying the weight of the Eiffel Tower on your knees, but now, it’s like you’re carrying the weight of a...well...slightly smaller Eiffel Tower.”

Unintentionally dirty KM line of the evening: “I’m excited about O’Neal’s shape.”

4:28 – Parker slices through some we-can’t-play-defense-because-Perk-is-gone-even-though-he-was-injured-most-of-the-season-anyway-and-well-really-we’re-just-using-it-as-an-excuse-to-conserve-energy-and-limp-into-the-playoffs Celtics’ defense.

Spurs 21-17

3:32 – George Hill 3-pointer.

3:06 – Delonte West jumper. Can almost imagine him saying “I’m contributing!” in an over-excited, Downs Syndromy voice.

2:27 – Parker drives, gets foul call. KM is calling him “the best guard finisher since Nate ‘Tiny’ Archibald.” Is KM looking to compete with Bill Walton for the crown of King of Overstatement?

1:50 – Pierce follows a Rondo miss with an aggressive rebound between two spurs, hits the shot, foul call. Pierce asks for new ball to free throw, because it’s wet with sweat. KM provides a wonderful things-most-people-can’t identify-with comment: “Get my golf towel.”

:42 – Rondo with great, hanging up and under layup. KM comments that Rondo is “the best guard finisher since Tony Parker.” No he didn’t. Just kidding.

2nd quarter

11:11 – Ginobili three pointer

Spurs – 36-31

8:56 – Jeff Green follows his own miss. Teammates collectively give him a nice-shot-but-we’re-still-mourning-the-loss-of-Kendrick-Perkins look.

Movie ad Alert: The dragon-and-flagon comedy Your Highness. What is promising: Danny McBride is in it. Not Promising: “From the makers of Pineapple Express.” Marketers are actually using this as a selling point? Did they see Pineapple Express? I did. In the theater. It was a Date Night movie, and I picked it. Paid money and everything. When it was over, I had to look at my wife and say, simply, “Sorry.” So I would revise the ad to say “From the makers of Pineapple Express, but don’t worry – they learned from it, and this is way better, and not 20 minutes too long.”

6:35 – Ginobili makes KG look silly, faking a pass inside around KG’s right flank, turning KG full around, and hitting a layup over him. KM calls it the “Larry Bird Okeydoke” – and says “I always used to fall for that in practice.” I’m starting to realize what KM has decided his commentator “thing” is – self-deprecation. This will come up again later.

4:56 – Rondo goes coast to coast – then gets T’d up for “excessive hand gesturing.” Question: can you give a ref the finger and get the same call? Because I think flipping the bird would really be getting your money’s worth.

4:37 – Nenad Krstic pokes the ball from Duncan. Apparently, he can, in fact, play defense…against old men.

2:19 – The Lord giveth (in the form of Jermaine O’Neal), and the Lord taketh away. Krstic goes down with mysterious, disturbing no-contact knee injury. The other Celtics show zero emotion about the loss. There is a brief shot of Rondo on the bench twisting a needle into the knee of a Nenad Krstic Voodoo doll. I think this development could actually be good for the Celtics – with all their depression over losing the well-liked Perkins, is it helpful to have him replaced by a big, balding, European who plays mediocre defense, good offense, and can hit his free throws? He’s like the anti-Perkins, and a constant off-putting reminder of the trade. Krstic and Perkins are complete polar opposites, alike only in that English is their second language.

Half – 49-49

Halftime comment: My appreciation of Kevin McHale automatically rises ten-fold at the sight of brand new TNT commentator, Rick Fox. His slicked back hair and annoying good looks scream L.A., and yeah, I know he was a Celtic for a while, but he was overrated, and always had that God-I-wanna-play-in-LA look about him. And what kind of world do we live in where appearing on Dancing with the Stars is an effective springboard to career rejuvenation?Although I must admit, I love you, Ralph Macchio.

3rd Quarter

10:58 – Parker drives the lane and finishes for what seems like the tenth time. I’m starting to think his guy is the best finisher since Tiny Archibald.

9:08 – Glen Davis rebounds Allen miss, hits patented undersized-but-somehow-can-finish layup.

Unintentionally dirty KM quote #2: “That was a nice rim-run by Davis.”

8:20 – McDyess leaves with what appears to be an ankle sprain.

7:31 – After great Rondo finish, Parker right back for an And One, getting the foul call on Glen Davis.

6:34 – Bonner hits his second three in a row.

Spurs – 65-61

5:08 – Rondo defensive rebound, full length pass to Green for a lay up.

4:10 – Rondo jumper falls. Startling to see Rondo nailing outside shots. It’s like watching a panda juggle. 67 apiece.

3:45 – Rondo coast to coast, layup under Bonner’s armpit. KM calls it the “Right Guard shot.”

3:12 – Rondo jumper. KM proclaims: “It’s the Rondo show.” This is the same man who essentially said that it’s not a problem that Rondo can’t hit jumpers, because defenders lay off him and give him better looks at driving and passing lanes. Interesting theory, but Rondo is showing that actually hitting jumpers is kind of an effective tool for a guard to have.

1:46 / 1:17 – Jeff Green hits two difficult, contested lay-ups, shows why the Celtics wanted him. He has 8 points…4 of 6 from the floor.

Shot of Rondo sucking wind and drinking water on the bench after carrying the C’s for several minutes.

:14 – Ginobili makes nice move for lay up. KM calls it the Euro-step, which is essentially a side step that looks a little like traveling. KM’s self-deprecation rises from the ooze. “I’d pull a groin if I tried that.” And then adds that if he were an official, he’d be a crap one: “I’d call a travel on that all the time.”

4th quarter

McDyess is back.

Celtics – 79-70

10:40 – George Hill gets called for being out of bounds. He’s out by a foot. KM leans on the self-dep: “Even I coulda made that call and got it right. I’d be a bad ref too, by the way.”

KM notes they’ve put Ginobili on Rondo to put some size on him.

9:46 – Ginobili snakes in for a nice floater. KM: “It's almost Manu time.”

9:15 – Glen Davis and KG lock arms make a giant, football-style wedge screen for Rondo to shoot. KM says: “Look at the big green wall!” and he’s not even at Fenway. Who’d a thunk the C’s would be working to get Rondo to take a jumper?

Celtics – 86-78

7:44 – Allen hits big three. Big for him, as he’s been terrible tonight.

Celtics’ Defense is picking up. Must be the absence of that distracting anti-Perk European dude.

5:15 – Another Rondo jumper. 22 points, 0 turnovers. Not a typo. 0.

4:32 – After Glen Davis jumper to make it 93-81, see a brief glimpse of what appears to be the sexiest Celtics fan ever. Rewind DVR…not as good as I thought, but I was fooled by the form fitting lady-version Celtics jersey. Lady Jerseys. Best. Invention. Ever.

4:20 – Tim Duncan rises over Big Baby, who isn’t big enough to stop a grown man. KM states: “Big Baby did everything he could, besides grow.” Funny. Yay, old-style Kevin. Duncan has 9 in the quarter. Swallows a fly on one of his jumpers.


4:00 – KG jumper, which is deadly tonight – he’s 7 of 9

2:52 – Pierce drives, misses, rebounds own miss and puts it in. Big play.

2:19 – KG money jumper. Celtics: 99-90

1:46 – KG money jumper: Celtics: 101-92

Unintentional dirty quote from Harlan: “What a stroke for Kevin Garnett!”

1:29 – Rondo to Big Baby for reverse lay up. Celtics: 103-92. Game over.

Duncan called for goaltending. Game overer.

1:24 – Rondo shooting freethrows. KM calls it “Hack a Rondo” time. But Rondo doesn’t touch the ball from this point.

Rondo 22 points, 14 assists, 0 turnovers, 5 rebounds.

The game sign off sounds a little like an Airplane movie bit:

“Good working with you, Kevin.”
“Good working with you too, Kevin.”
“We have clearance, Clarence.”
“Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?”
“Tower's radio clearance, over!”
“That's Clarence Oveur. Over.”
“Over.”
“Roger.”
“Huh?”

Update:

This Division III guy is only 3 inches taller than me. Talented bastard. After his youtube dunk vid went viral, he proceeded to win the NCAA dunk contest. Props, homey.



Oh, and this mass hysteria happened. Hate everybody's behavior in this vid...Blake doing his best Manu Ginobili impression, Terry not letting it go, Barnes being one serious street thug who needs to be in every altercation. After the game, a guy in the parking lot was arguing with a hot dog vendor about the cost of a weiner, and Barnes went out and got involved in that too:

LarryLand - The Larry Bird Theme Park

Merry Birdmas, everyone! This year we have a real treat for you - an exclusive tour of LarryLand, a vast theme park located on the outskirts of French Lick, Indiana, devoted to Larry Legend. We visit the top attractions of this amazing park, like Bill Russell Title Town, DJ's Science Circle, and the Larry Coaster. We even get an inside look at some of the quirky, but devoted fans who visit LarryLand. Prepare for a Larrylicious amount of fun. - ET


Editor's note: For those of you missing the usual bawful, Worst of the Night will return tomorrow.

The 2010 Finals: I am SO over it.

For those of you who might be wondering, I, Evil Ted, am completely over the Celtics losing Game 7 to the Lakers in the NBA Finals. So completely over it. It’s not bothering me one bit. I mean, sure, it bothered me right around the end of the game, but that was for, like, five minutes.

Does this guy look like he's still upset?
I think not.

People get way too attached to their sports teams. I’m not like that. Hell, I didn’t even notice the Celtics were in the playoffs until they got past the Cavs. Yeah, I followed the Magic Series pretty close, and sure I got a little excited when the Celtics made it to the finals sporting a team that, on paper, had all the talent it needed to win. And I’ll admit, I was enticed by the fairy tale playoff run leaving in its wake the crushed dreams of Dwayne Wade, LeBron James, Dwight Howard, and, potentially, Kobe Bryant, but it’s not like I wanted to kill myself because it didn’t come true…in the final minutes…of Game 7…of the Finals...against the hated Lakers...

...where was I? Oh yeah...

So what if everything Doc said to the media was coming to fruition, about how it was more important to go into playoffs as a healthy team than as a high playoff seed? And about how he was just managing the minutes of his aging veterans, trading regular season wins for the ability to sustain a lengthy playoff run. I know, he could have added a huge tangible milestone to his coaching legacy and to the legacy of the Celtics franchise with banner number eighteen, but so what? That’s not important to me. If it were, would I be writing this right now? Of course not.

If I were a lesser man, I would rail about the Celtics being up for most of Game 7, and about the Lakers getting a dozen dubious free throws in the last six minutes, but I’m not a lesser man. I’m beyond that. If I were a resentful, puss-oozing homer yutz, I would probably say that Kobe appeared to nudge Perkins' right leg from behind as he came down with that rebound in Game 6. Again, not me. I'm above it, and we should all be thankful I'm not that guy. I'm beyond such baseless, biased accusations, and am well grounded in the knowledge that there are more important things in life. For example, I'm apparently the father of three children. What’s better than that? Kids who are obliged to love you because of blood relation? That's just awesome. And you know what? They kind of look like me too. Imagine that - little semi-clones of me walking the earth after I’m gone. You know what that is? That’s everlasting life. Or practically. I mean, it’s close to that.

Sports, by comparison, aren’t really important. I mean, if they were, and I wanted to be petty, I would point out that the Celtics still have 17 World Championships to the Lakers 16, and if I were a REAL douchebag, I’d point out that 5 of those championships were won by the Minneapolis Lakers, so they aren’t even worth the fabric on which they’re printed. At least, that’s what I would say, if I even cared. Thank God I don’t.

And yeah, I’m a Red Sox fan, so when it comes to counting championships, I’m aware of how the Yankees are up like 27-6 in championships (at least I think that’s what it is. Fortunately I don’t care), and yeah, from 2004 through 2007, I could always shout down a Yankees fan by saying “Think you’re so great? Well which of the two teams has won the most recent championship?” Fortunately, the Yankees won it all last year so I’m no longer forced to engage in such petty arguments. It’s really wonderful to be given the gift of perspective, to know what’s really important. I consider myself a far more well-rounded individual for it. Imagine, people caring so much about the wins and losses of an athletic team. It borders on pathetic, really.

I’ll bet you’re going to come at me now with the Boston Bruins, up 3 games to none against the Flyers, collapsing in the playoffs. Now that’s hilarious. I mean, its hockey. Seriously. I wasn’t even going to watch unless they got to Game 7 of the finals. To my great fortune, they didn’t. The idea of being forced to watch a hockey game as if it were important is a frightening proposition.

Now, Ghana beating the U.S. in the World Cup, that event actually involves some relevant world implications. I can’t think what they are right now, but I’m sure there are some.

This sport is globally significant.
No seriously, it is.

I’m getting away from my point. My point is that we’re all going to die someday, and when that happens, is it really going to matter if the Celtics won Game 7, elevated the historic status of Garnett, Allen, Pierce and Rondo, and gave the Celtics an 18-15 lead in franchise championships over the Lakers? Not to me, not when I’m a corpse rotting in a casket. Ask the worms eating my dead flesh if they care who won. See? They didn’t even notice that you asked a question. They’re still nibbling away on my small intestine.

Speaking of the hereafter, I wonder if I could be cremated, have the ashes dyed green, and then decree in my final will and testament to have myself poured from a helicopter into Kobe Bryant’s swimming pool. Now THAT would be a grand statement. You know how hard it would be for Kobe’s pool guy to clean out the ashes? And the water would probably be green for, like, days afterward. That would be something.

Take that, Kobe's pool.

No. I’m not going to do that. Kobe’s not worth the effort, and I’m far too mature and above such behavior.

Listen to me here, going on about something as inconsequential as my own demise. Have none of us come to the realization that someday the sun is going to burn out, our planet will become uninhabitable, and the human race will cease to exist? Who’s going to give a crap about the Celtics-Lakers rivalry then? Nobody. Furthermore, I’ll bet the Staples Center and TD Garden won’t even be able to remain structurally in tact against the atmospheric extremes of a sunless universe, leaving championship banners floating aimlessly in the vacuum nothingness of space. How much is this year’s NBA Championship going to matter then, Laker fans? Hmmm? Think your team's victory is a big deal? I’ve just proven without a shadow of a doubt that it’s not.

See? When we're all gone, it's not gonna matter.
Who would read this, Martians?

Now, for argument’s sake, let’s suppose that a small band of scientific misfits, funded by an eccentric, benevolent billionaire, manage to build a spaceship to escape from our dead rock of a planet when the sun goes cold. They’re going to collect as much data about the history of mankind as they can, right? By then, I imagine the Celtics will have amassed 535 championships to the Lakers’ 534, only to be eclipsed by the 760 championships of the Hong Kong Fast Dribble Galaxy (the NBA would go international some time around the year 4,020). Think my hypothetical situations are ridiculous? Tell that to 2 billion Hong Kong Fast Dribble Galaxy fans. In the long run, their team, captained by the cryogenically frozen and reanimated head of Chow Yun Fat, will dominate the EBA (Earth Basketball Association), creating a legion of followers prone to chanting a series of virtually unpronounceable Chinese characters that translate loosely into “Win big and much, Hong Kong Fast Dribble Galaxy! Win big and much!”

Sorry, I got sidetracked again. I guess what I’m really trying to say here is, sports fans do care a lot about these stupid rivalries - sometimes, even, at the expense of their jobs, emotional stability, and personal relationships. But ask yourself which is more important: being glued to the TV when your favorite team wins a championship, or spending time bonding with your young daughter by pushing her in a swing at the park?

I think we all know the right answer to that question.

If I were a petty, small-minded sports fans, I’d conclude with something like:

Eat it, Laker fans. I’m gonna go get ready for the Patriots season to start.
Don’t have an NFL team there in LA? Awww. Too bad.

Fortunately, I’m not that type of person.

I am SO over it.

Evil Ted camps for the NBA Finals

For those of you who don't know (a.k.a. everyone except Basketbawful), I am currently camping with the fam, so my ability to watch the finals may be significantly hampered here and there. Since Basketbawful was bummed I wouldn't be around for our post-playoff game chats involving mutual excitement / depression over the Celtics, I figured it was important to put up a post when I can for posterity:

Sometimes you don't remember a game for the game itself, but for the circumstances surrounding it, much in the same way you might remember a song differently because of what you were doing when you first heard it. I'm sure we've all lost our virginity to Crazy Train, which is why we all get hot and bothered when we see Sharon Osborne on TV. Wait, is that just me?

Anyway, as the fam and I haul our way to the Badlands of South Dakota, I'm concerned about how I'm going to watch Game 2 of the Finals at the local KOA (Campgrounds Of America). That's right, they spell Campgrounds with a K. One of the things I've realized about going West, is that you might as well be going South. Both regions have the same number of cowboy hats in the gift shop. Well, for the South, just pepper in a few Nascar caps, and in the West, the arcade games your children play at rest stops will involve shooting bison. I shit you not. Pre-game instructions involve a reminder to aim for the head or the heart to get a quality kill. Charming.

So I check in and the KOA lady starts circling my points of interest: bathrooms, general store, a pet park in case I need to walk my dog (I don't have one and never will). So now I'm starting to get nervous. The last time I visited a campground over a decade ago, I watched the Bulls play the Sonics in the Finals on a projection TV.

Not so in South Dakota.

"So if a guy wanted to watch the Finals..." I halt, realizing I need to be a tad more precise, "...the NBA Finals, where would he go about doing that?" She looks at me funny, and now I'm wetting myself, because I know it's at least halftime and I have yet to put up a tent and buy hot dogs or something for dinner. I'm trying to figure what time zone I'm in and how it translates to Eastern and dammit if I'm thinking to myself how not relaxing it is to have your team in the Finals while you’re on a rustic vacation and yes, for just a second, I wish the Celts had lost to the Magic in the Eastern Conference Finals and saved me from this dilemma.

The woman points toward a back room.

"There's a little TV in the laundry room," she says with a shrug.

I approach the laundry room slowly, like it's a horror movie. Fortunately, like the standard, pre-terror its-only-a-scared-cat false alarm of most terror flicks, I find that the TV is a respectable 14-incher (this would equate to 32 inches by civilization standards), is color and has a cable connection. Praise Jesus. I find out later from the KOA handyman that he equipped this telly with cable not one week prior. I praise him for his aggressive march into the 20th century and check the score. Commercial. Dammit. No matter, I'll be back.

A man and his fabric castle. Despite the TV situation, they have Wi-Fi. Go Figure.
After tent setting up, food gathering and fire lighting, my son and I get back to the laundry room and watch:

The first thing I see is Ray Allen looking morose on the bench. This of course concerns me. To my relief, the C's are up 83-80 with 8 minutes and change left to go in the game. After a game recap, I realize he's probably thinking "I go 8-for-11 on three-pointers and we're still only up three?"

I don't know about you, but there's a certain comfort to avoiding or missing large portions of your team's most important games. When you come in late, you can know in a split second whether your team is:

- Keeping it close
- Taking a massive dump.
- Has an enormous lead.

This minimizes anxiety and…oh, who am I kidding, I'm bummed I missed a lot of this one: Ray-Ray going all Ray Ray on the Lakers? Rondo looking like the Rondo who wants it? The Celts staying close even with Pierce and Garnett being anemic on the offensive end? Mark Jackson saying about Pau Gasol's big first quarter dunk, "They call this in the street, deliverin a pizza. Holdin it high."

You'll note I only quote MJ's catch phrases, and never any actual analysis: he's like Chris Berman in that all he has left is the Catchphrase. But unlike Berman, he's likable. P.S. In trying to figure out what I'd write about having missed 5/6ths of the game, I look up "Mark Jackson catch phrases" and come across a bunch of things a guy called GiveItToBurrito would like to hear Mark Jackson say, and it makes my day:

"Heaven to murgatroid!"
"Oh my stars and garters!"
"Come on! I mean, COME ON!"
"GET TO THE CHOPPA!"
"SEXUAL TYRANNOSAURUS!"
"Delicious."
"Suck my diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick!"
"Watch out for the big girl!"
"That's-a spicy meatball"
"Groovy."

See? You're smiling too. Can't you just hear Mark Jackson's voice? Me too.

Ok, yeah, so I saw the call that absolutely should have gone the Lakers way. We all know that out-of-bounds ball went off KG's hand, and the bad call was frustrating because I think the Celts were going to win anyway, but I hate it when a disastrous call like that puts the win in question and gives Laker fans something legitimate to gripe about. Oh well, I'll take it.

And I saw Doc Rivers sprinting out onto the court to avoid the 8-second violation. Incidentally, aren't coaches not allowed way out on the court like that? And why is Scal out there giving him a massage? It reminded me of wheelchair-bound Joe Swanson at the end of Family Guy Star Wars: "I MADE SANDWICHES!" There's Scal doing his best Swanson impression: "I MASSAGED DOC AFTER A GREAT CALL! YAY ME!" Sorry, Scal. You're going to be mocked no matter what you do.

And I saw Rondo showing off the ridiculous wingspan with the over-the-top steal on Fisher and the behind-the-back steal on Kobe. Both clean. Both scary impressive.

All in all, an exciting win for the C's and now it's a series. In MJ-speak, Game 1 for the C's was a solemn "You're better than that," and Game 2 was an emphatic "Momma there goes that man." I fully expect game 3 to be an "Oh my stars and Garters," whatever that means.

After the game on ABC, I wanted to watch a little post-game analysis, and ask the KOA handyman if the little TV has Sportscenter, because I can't find it.

"What's…ESPN?" he says.

"Nevermind," I say.

Next up, ultra rustic Wi-Fi-less Yellowstone National Park.

Pray for me.