Bawful After Dark: "Super" Weekend Watch

If Ronnie James Dio was still alive, Richard Jefferson would tell him the Spurs are definitely not the Last in Line for at title run
To celebrate the Steelers' appearance in this weekend's Super Bowl, watch Pittsburgh Penguins' backup goalie Brent Johnson get in his first NHL fight, and break Islanders goalie Rick DiPietro's face with one punch. And I mean that literally -- he broke his face. DiPietro has facial fractures and will be out 4-6 weeks. To anyone familiar with DiPietro's injury history (he's down with injuries almost as often as Yao Ming), it isn't surprising, but still. Way to lock him up with a 15 year contract, Islanders! (Hockeyawful? It doesn't roll off the tongue very well, but it is indeed awful hockey)


Damn.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:


Woah.


Vladimir Radmanovic is digusted, dumbfounded, or just ugly. Take your pick.

Nationally Televised Friday Games:
Mavericks at Celtics, ESPN, 8pm: For some reason, Dirk Nowitzki loves playing the Celtics. His 27.3 points per game against Boston is his highest against any team, and he actually averages 27.7 ppg at the TD Garden. Too bad Boston couldn't find a way to wrangle him away from the Mavs -- they'd be unstoppable!

Jazz at Nuggets, ESPN, 10:30pm: Why is Denver always so unpredictable? They are competitive and have a fantastic home record, but they lose stupid games against mediocre to crappy teams on the road.

All The Other Friday Games:
Frail Blazers at Pacers, 7pm: I need to reiterate something truly, truly depressing: Indiana, with all of 19 wins and 27 losses so far, is just one game behind Charlotte for the 8th seed in the playoffs. Way to go, Leastern Conference. This is why you can't have nice things.

Knicks at 76ers, 7pm: The Sixers have won 7 of their last 10 (and are now being referred to in the media as "surging," of course). However, fool's gold? Those wins have been over the Bucks, Bobcraps, Jazz (who were in a bad slump), Suns, Craptors, Nuggets, and Nyets.

Magic at Wizards Generals, 7pm: Ruh roh. This is the first trip back to Washington for Gilbert Arenas since the trade...

Timberwolves at Craptors, 7pm: Oh good grief. The Craptors are riding a 13 game losing streak, and need to win this one to avoid their longest losing streak in more than 13 years. The good news? They get to play the Timberwolves, who have a defense roughly as non-existent as the Craptors'. The bad news? The fossilized dinos lost to the Timberwolves just a week ago. But at least it will be uptempo since, as The Other Chris noted, "Not a thimble of defense will be played..."

Heat at Bobcraps, 7pm: While the Bobcraps have really turned things around, they still aren't that great of a team, and they still can't beat quality competition. Case in point, they've been outscored by an average of 11 points in two games against the Heat this year.

Clippers at Hawks, 7:30pm: BRB, gonna review my earthquake emergency safety drill plans just in case Blake Griffin throws down a dunk so violent it moves the Earth.

Nyets at Pistons, 7:30pm: Eleven straight road losses for the Nyets? Yeah, that sounds about right.

Cadavers at Grizzlies, 8pm: The Cadavers -- back when they were still on life support and not clinically dead -- managed to beat the Grizzlies back in late November and in fact had a 7-9 record after that game. Since then? That train has derailed, exploded, and another train has crashed into the remains. Injuries, incompetence, and general sucktitude mean they've lost 32 of the last 33 games, and 22 consecutive.

Thunder at Suns, 9pm: The Suns have won 8 of their last 11, but perhaps more notably, they have held their last three opponents to an average of only 83 points. Okay, yeah, one of those was Milwaukee, so that tends to skew the numbers a little, but still. What the hell? When did they decide "oh, yeah, maybe we should play a little defense?"

Spurs at Kings, 10pm: And thus begins the streak of six consecutive opponents with losing records. Yeah, I'd say the rodeo road trip isn't that bad this year.

* * *

Nationally Televised Saturday Games:
Hawks at Wizards Generals, NBA TV, 7pm: Since it's not a road game, the Generals have a small chance of winning. You know, assuming the Hawks don't start doing some Globetrotters trick shots. If that's the case, they're screwed.

All The Other Saturday Games:
Mavericks at Bobcraps, 7pm: Mark Cuban has announced that he's open to the idea of renting a player like Carmelo. What, you mean Brian Cardinal isn't going to take you to a title?

Frail Blazers at Cadavers, 7:30pm: Portland fans get to look Cleveland right in the eye and say "Injuries? Big f'ing deal you've got injuries!!"

Lakers at Hornets, 8pm: Interesting post: Is Kobe Bryant a black hole?

Grizzlies at Rockets, 8:30pm: And suddenly, Memphis is above .500 -- so of course here come the Rockets to annoy and pester them.

Pistons at Bucks, 8:30pm: Well, Milwaukee fans, you need something to watch instead of this game as well, so try this: corgis playing tetherball. ("AWWWWWWWWW!")

Nuggets at Timberwolves, 8:30pm: Defensive optional? Defense nonexistent. Wooooooo.

Thunder at Jazz, 9pm: A great Northwest division battle, and a great contrast of styles. The Jazz have one of the highest assist totals in the league. The Thunder... not so much.

Bulls at Warriors, 10:30pm: The Warriors are only five games shy of equaling their win total for all of last season. And yet they're still twelve games back in the Pacific standings. Progress...?

* * *

Nationally Televised Sunday Games:
Magic at Celtics, ABC, 2:30pm: Realization I just had: the Celtics are one of the best teams in the league this year despite being only 29th in rebounds per game. It's pretty reasonable to assume rebounding is one of the more important aspects of a basketball game, but is it possible for a really, really good defense to outweigh that? (looks at other teams) Yeah, the Timberwolves lead the league in rebounds, and you're well aware of their "defense." I think that answers that question.

All The Other Sunday Games:
Clippers at Heat, 12pm: Blake Griffin may be a beast, but the Clippers are not a fundamentally solid team, and therefore not a good road team. And they only have one more home game the entire rest of the month of February, and that game is against the Celtics. I hate to be the bearer of bad news (okay, I'm lying, it's about basketball, I love being the bearer of bad news), but that miraculous run for a playoff berth isn't looking very good at this point...

Pacers at Nyets, 12pm: What, you mean this game is not being played opposite the Super Bow later this evening??

76ers at Knicks, 12pm: Amazing how these two teams have reversed directions in the past month, isn't it?

Bawful After Dark: January 24, 2011

"I'M A MIME TRAPPED IN AN INVISIBLE BOX -- OH, DAMMIT, I FORGOT TO BE QUIET AGAIN!"
Sorry for the lack of BAD posts last week -- I felt (wait for it...) bad.

Hey, why are you throwing tomatoes at me?

To make up for the absence and the horrible pun, here's an unbelievable moment in Sports Man Love history:

Footbawful at its... finest? Yeah, finest.

Worst of the Weekend in Pictures:

"Ta da!!"

Justin Bieber was at the Hawks game where they sucked like nothing has ever sucked before. How appropriate.

Jeff Foster is enjoying this a little too much...

Ray Allen and AK47 get better acquainted

Nationally Televised Games:
Wizards Generals at Knicks, NBA TV, 7:30pm: Now that scheduling has self-corrected the Knicks' record, they're in danger of dropping below .500 -- lucky for them that the Generals are also in danger of not winning a single damn road game this season.

Kings at Frail Blazers, NBA TV, 10pm: The Purple Paupers have lost their last 7 games by 7 points or less. At least they're kind enough to keep things somewhat close for their fans, right?

All the Other Games:
Cavaliers at Nyets, 7pm: Speaking of teams that have no concept of how to win away from home... The last time the Cavs snagged a road victory was back in November against, yes, the New Jersey Nyets.

Pistons at Magic, 7pm: Allow me to remind of what went down back in December when these two teams last met: Pumaman, Jameer Nelson, and JJ Redick were all out with "flu-like symptoms" (that miraculously seem to actually truly be related to the flu). And yet Orlando still won easily, and in fact had their best shooting percentage game of the season. Rip Hamilton should be happy he's not being associated with this suckfest right now.

Suns at 76ers, 7pm: If there's one thing the Sixers do well, it's shut down the trey. Their opponents are averaging just 31.4% from downtown. The Small Ball Suns loooove to shoot the three. Something's gotta give. Here's a hint: the Sixers have only one win when allowing more than 100 points this year, and guess who that was against.

Grizzlies at Craptors, 7pm: Be ready to see lots of ugliness around the basket. The Grizzlies are averaging an NBA-best 49.1 points in the paint. The Dinos are too busy being extinct and rollerblading down stairs to play any defense at the rim, and are allowing a league-worst 48.1 points in the paint per game.

Also, this picture is likely the most bawful thing you will see today.

Thunder at Hornets, 8pm: The Hornets have been playing out of their friggin' minds on defense lately. Is this just more fools' gold, or have they finally figured out something?

Bucks at Bulls, 8pm: The Bulls have a nasty habit of letting sub-.500 teams hang around and even beat them. But they've still reached the 30 win mark a full month earlier than last year. I'd say Thibodeau was a nice upgrade over The Notorious VDN, wasn't he?

Rockets at Timberwolves, 8pm: Actual line from the STATS LLC game preview: "The Timberwolves (10-33), who play five of seven at Target Center, are a respectable 8-12 at home." What? A .400 record at home is respectable? Man, the bar is really getting lowered in Minny.

Spurs at Warriors, 10:30pm: The last Spurs game saw them battle through their worst offensive effort of the season. So get ready for the absolute opposite of that tonight. The Gol_en State Warriors, everyone!

Bawful After Dark: December 28, 2010

Paul Westphal fires up the Invisible Lawnmower. Finally, an explanation for Suckramento's ineptitude -- his players must be tripping over invisible grass
Anyone else just absolutely getting his/her ass kicked by a post-Christmas lull? I can't even blame alcohol since I didn't drink (though that may change tonight when I go to my bowling league). I'm just burned out and feel empty inside. It's kind of like being the 12th man on the Purple Paupers' bench.

Via 30fps, behold this epic moment of soccer man love:

Soccerawful Footbawful?

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Two great moments in awkward man love history

Nationally Televised Games:
Lakers at Spurs, NBA TV, 8:30pm: Someone wanna go check the Lakers' alarm clocks? They never woke up for the Christmas game, and as far as I know, they might still be in a tryptophan coma.

All The Other Games:
Magic at Cavaliers, 7pm: The Cavs are putting up unreal numbers. They've managed to shoot 41.0% from the field in December. Brick factories everywhere are envious.

Celtics at Pacers, 7pm: Can we just get Rajon Rondo out on the floor with a pair of crutches or something? It'd be a step up from Nate Robinson.

Knicks at Heat, 7:30pm: Yes, the Heat's schedule self-corrected a little recently and they got to play some softer competition, but even considering that their defensive effort the last few weeks has been impressive. They've only allowed 86.7 points per game over the last 15 games. Damn.

Bucks at Bulls, 8pm: I'm convinced that this year's Bucks team is offended by offense.

Craptors at Mavericks, 8:30pm: Dirk's out for this game and listed as day-to-day with a minor knee sprain. Nooooooooooo! (insert dramatic music sting)

Frail Blazers at Nuggets, 9pm: Good to see Carmelo's planning on being back on the court tonight.

Bawful After Dark: April Fool's Day Edition

Karate chop!
I'm not going to pull any pranks on you today. There's been enough good ones (and bad ones) to go around. My favorites? The fake police report for AJ Dauliero on Deadspin, and @notmikedunleavy faking retweets that Don Nelson was going to be fired and replaced by Mike Dunleavy. Those are high quality pranks. Believable enough to startle you at first, but ultimately obviously fake. And better yet, they aren't sponsored by Nike. Sigh.

Want to be entertained for a few silly minutes? Check out the ESPN.com NBA Playoff Simulator! It's only slighly less ridiculous than their awesome Trade Machine. You can choose to seed the first round of the playoffs through three pre-selected methods, or do custom seeding. Then it simulates each game and tells you who wins the NBA championship. I have tried using it once so far -- I let it seed the first round based on John Hollinger's predictions for maximum comedic value. According to this simulation, the Lakers will get upset by the 8th seeded Spurs in the first round, and the Atlanta Hawks will win the Larry O'Brien trophy. Yeah. Good luck with that.

This is most decidedly awesome, and makes Zaza Pachulia even more likeable than his fun-to-say-out-loud name already did.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Hey guys, why the moping? Aren't you making millions of dollars to play ball?
Oh, you let the Bullets get their only win in the entire month of March against you? Carry on.

Yes, the Bullets won in spite of Fabricio Oberto starting

Andray Blatche demonstrates how to do the Heimlich Maneuver
(What? You thought I was going to do a man love joke here?)

Submitted by Basketbawful reader Zaldy with the caption:
"Yes... they say it should hurt during your first time."

Nice "O-face," Johnny

Damn. Louis Amundson's "O-face" is even worse than I expected

Paul Pierce says "Stop watching! This is private!"

Doc Rivers must be getting tired of doing this

So must Kobe
Nationally Televised Games:
Magic at Mavericks: Dallas just got done playing an overtime game in Memphis last night. Just sayin'... In the meantime, hey, we get to see Ron Jeremy Stan Van Gundy on national TV again, so that's always a good thing.

Frail Blazers at Nuggets: Technically this is the second night of a back-to-back for Portland, but does running layup drills against the Bricks really wear you out that badly?

Bawful After Dark: A Trip Down Manlove Avenue

Nyets CEO Brett Yormark yelled at this guy for wearing a paper bag on his head. Shouldn't he be happy the fans haven't switched to plastic bags?
In brief legal news, Mateen Cleaves has been arrested for suspicion of drunken driving. In other news, Mateen Cleaves is still alive? Wow. Who knew? Also, Gilbert Arenas might do some jail time. Bear in mind, this is the man who said he "deserved to be punished." Well, okay then. Why is your lawyer trying to get you out of it?

Not many games tonight to talk about, so how about a little throwback action? Luckily our readers have supplied plenty of material!

Courtesy of Bawful reader CaptainHomeless, let's take a trip down Manlove Avenue. (As he noted, "So, this is an actual street that I drive by every day in Indianapolis. I just ... thought you guys would appreciate it." Yes. Yes we do.)

As shared by Bawful reader 80sNBA, Hakeem once provided us with one of the all time great moments in man love history.

Thank God there was a camerman nearby to preserve this moment forever.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Just think of how empty your life would be without Stan Van Gundy

Gettin' a little personal there, don't you think, guys?

And just think -- this is the winning coach

Alright, alright, take it down a notch. You beat the Kings...
Nationally Televised Games:
Nuggets at Knicks: Nothing like the Bricks to make for a good national TV broadcast. These are the days I don't complain about not getting NBA TV.

All The Other Games:
Bobcats at Wizards Generals Bullets: Oh no! A moral dilemma! Who will Michael Jordan root for?! (Sorry, trying to drum up some kind of drama for this game, no matter how far-fetched)

Pacers at Pistons: This will probably be a 92-85 kind of final score, but not because of good defense. Ugggggggh. Fun aside: I was reading Chad Ford's ESPN.com chat today and just had to shake my head at this exchange:

Steven (Indy)
Is there anything I can do to stop the Pacers from winning meaningless games and ruining their chance at a top draft pick?

Chad Ford (1:30 PM)
I keep wondering the same thing. Last week they had the 4th worst record in the league, had an 11.9 percent chance of winning the lottery and were in line to land a franchise type player like Derrick Favors or DeMarcus Cousins. This week? They have a 1.7 percent chance of winning the lottery, have the 8th worst record and are in line to draft Cole Aldrich or Greg Monroe. Way to go Jim O'Brien. Rest Danny Granger the rest of the season (if it isn't too late) and give Josh McRoberts lots of minutes. That ought to do it.

Clippers at Mavericks: Have the Clippers started thinking about who they'd like to draft in the lottery yet? It'd be nice to let that guy know in advance, so he can mentally prepare himself for the inevitable injury that will end his season and/or career.

Man Love Denied: Starring Josh Smith and Mike Bibby

Many thanks to everybody who sent in links to this epic man love denial.