Watch that hand, Blake. It's wandering a little there...
Here's a study worth checking out: "Who are the NFL's chattiest announcers?" I'd like to see a similar rundown for NBA announcers. And if they ever did something similar, but instead measured the size and commonality of the words used, Bill Walton would certainly be an outlier on that data sheet.
Worst of the Night in Pictures:
Double the facepalms, double the fun misery
"Oh, hello there..."
"Whaddya mean you don't like the beard? Come on baby! Chicks love it! No, I don't think I should go with just a mustache!"
Nationally Televised Games: Magic at Thunder, TNT, 8pm: Talk about a far cry from the craptacular assortment of games we've seen earlier in the week.
Heat at Nuggets, TNT, 10:30pm: So, will LeBron's injury not bother him most of the game, but mysteriously flare up and destroy his athletic ability as soon as the game gets close?
All The Other Games: Wizards Generals at Timberwolves, 8pm: Really? Really?? I'm just going to point out one sobering stat once again: Washington is 0-18 on the road this year. It's January, and they still haven't won a single road game. Did anybody bother to tell them it's the actual game and not just practice? Ugh. This game gets my Seal of Disapproval:
"What's that? You want me to box out and rebound??"
Today has sucked for yours truly. I don't really have much to say right now, but it is my duty as a Basketbawful writer to update you on the Tony Parker divorce proceedings. First, Basketbawful reader Scott noted in WOTN comments: "According to a statement from the show, Longoria tells Lopez that she found "hundreds of text messages" from a woman on Parker’s phone, and that this woman was revealed to be the wife of one of Parker’s teammates." Now I'm hearing Tony Parker allegedly cheated with Brent Barry's wife. Okay then.
Worst of the Night in Pictures:
"Playing for the Sixers makes my brain hurt"
It's entirely too early in the season to be looking that broken and demoralized
Rudy Fernandez is too busy staring at those sweet kicks to bother fighting for the ball
Nationally Televised Games: Suns at Heat, ESPN, 7pm: Actual line from the STATS LLC preview: "The Heat may have begun lessening the criticism by beating Toronto 109-100 on Saturday." I'm sorry, but beating the Craptors by single digits doesn't prove a damn thing.
Bulls at Spurs, ESPN, 9:30pm: In the WOTN, Bawful noted that Joakim Noah looked "like ass" last night. Unfortunately, he gets to play against the Spurs tonight -- he's only averaged 4.8 boards per game in the six total games he's played against San Antonio. And considering the Spurs have started the season 8-1, that's probably not a good sign for tonight's game. Throw in the second night of a back-to-back on the dreaded Circus Trip, and... ouch.
All The Other Games: Craptors at 76ers, 7pm: Jeez. This game is like a car wreck -- hard to look away it's so terrible. Speaking of which...
Wizards Generals at Celtics, 7:30pm: Betcha $20 we won't see anything this cool in this game:
Lakers at Pistons, 7:30pm: With the news that Ben Wallace wants to be a defense attorney after he retires, the Lakers have changed their gameplan to having their bench players hold up pictures of Judge Judy, random Law & Order characters, and Matlock -- surely this will distract Wallace enough for the Lakers to win the game! Or they could just play them outright and beat the hell out of them because they're the Pissed-Ons, but whatever. Where's the fun in that?
Mavericks at Hornets, 8pm: On Monday, the Mavs ended the Hornets' quest for 82-0. Could this be a revenge game???
Clippers at Timberwolves, 8pm: Since Blake Griffin's already lost the will to live after being forced to witness Clippers games first-hand every night, this game won't have anything worth watching. Well, except for Darko. You gotta keep an eye on him just in case he sends a random botched pass or bricked shot in your direction.
Rockets at Thunder, 8pm: Amazing how these two teams are playing this year, isn't it? All offense, no defense, all the time! Durant could go off for 40 tonight.
Nyets at Jazz, 9pm: If the Jazz actually have to come back from their usual halftime deficit in this game, I will be greatly saddened.
Bricks at Kings, 10pm: Sadly, one of these teams has to win this game, meaning that either a 5 game losing streak or a 6 game losing streak will be broken. Thankfully, one of those two losing streaks will be increased, so I guess not all is lost.
If you haven't done it already, you probably shouldn't bother
buying a Carmelo Anthony Denver Nuggets jersey.
The Denver Nuggets
The 2009-10 team wasn't the Enver Nuggets of the past, but they ranked a "meh" 16th in the league with a Defensive Rating of 107.5.
For the record, the league average was 107.6.
However, the Nuggets were a pretty strong offensive squad -- 3rd in Offensive Rating at 111.8 points per 100 possessions -- and they led the league in free throws per field goal attempt (.290). Still, this team had problems even before losing George Karl left the team to have cancer treatments. And I'm not just talking about Kenyon Martin's knee injury and cattle brandsexy lips tattoo.
Outside of Carmelo Anthony, Chauncey Billups and Nene, Denver simply wasn't all that talented (relative to contending teams) and the front office had squandered away all their cap space. There weren't many ways for last year's squad to get better. Or this year's squad for that matter.
Still, the Nuggets used their full mid-level exception on Al Harrington over the summer. Which should help, I guess. Oh, and they picked up Anthony Carter and Shelden Williams for the veteran's minimum. Those were decent bargain moves. Unfortunately, Martin is still on the mend and the Birdman is out with a knee injury of his own. Believe it or not, both of those guys were reasonably important.
However, Denver's biggest problem is the money they failed to spend, specifically what they offered Anthony in the form of a three-year contract extension.
As Tourettes Guy would say: The Nuggets are going to be out of the butt and into the f*** if they don't lock 'Melo into an extension. Which probably isn't going to happen. Ever. By all accounts, Anthony wants out of Denver. For all we know, he may be dreaming of teaming up with Amar''''''e Stoudemire and Chris Paul in New York. Whatever the case, Denver will most likely lose him one way or another, which radically increases the probability that he'll be dealt before February's trade deadline (assuming the Nuggets haven't somehow morphed into contenders).
If 'Melo finishes the season in Denver, the Nuggets will probably end up in the mid-to-upper 40s in terms of wins. If he doesn't, they'll finish in the mid-to-upper 40s in terms of losses. A trend that will likely continue unless they flip Anthony for some serious talent...something that rarely ever happens when a superstar is traded.
All of which means Nuggets fans will soon be joining a support group with Cavaliers and Raptors fans. I know it sucks, folks. Just hold hands and cry it out. It'll get better some day. I promise. (But not really.)
The Minnesota Timberwolves
At 15-67, the 2009-10 T-Wolves were the second-worst team in the NBA, barey ahead of the 12-70 Nets. And remember: New Jersey was one of the worst teams in league history.
Minny ranked 29th in Offensive Rating (ahead of only the Nets) and 28th in Defensive Rating (in front of only the Warriors and Raptors). I could quote many other factoids that highlight their woeful inability to play the sport of basketball -- like the fact that they had a worse point differential than the Nets and went freaking 2-27 after the All-Star break -- but let me just sum this up by saying the Timberwolves sucked serious hind end. I doubt anybody on last year's team will get the taste of sour ass out of their mouth for many years to come.
So how did GM David Kahn try to "fix" this mess over the summer? By giving away All Jefferson for nada and waaaaay overpaying for Darko "Manna from Heaven" Milicic ($20 million) and Luke Ridnour ($16 million). Holy crap, man! Why did owner Glen Taylor bother to fire Kevin McHale is he was going to let Kahn flush hundred dollar bills down the toilet one-by-one?!
That said, Kahn wisely hung onto Kevin Love, signed Nikola Pekovic (a talented overseas prospect) and Anthony Tolliver, and acquired Michael Beasley for a couple meaningless second round draft picks (read that: "for nothing"). Unfortunately, a small handful of moves that could be rated as "mildly kinda-sorta okay" won't change much on this moldering cess pool of a team. The reality is, a monkey could log onto ESPN's Trade Machine and immediately poop out a better team than this.
This team might be able to win 20 games or so. That's their ceiling.
Sorry, Minnesota fans.
The Oklahoma City Thunder
This young team is going to be really good for years to come. Which must feel like a groin punch to Seattle basketball fans everywhere. When their Sonics were raped away from them, at least they could take some solace in the fact that the team was terrible. Now? They're a top four team in the Bestern Conference.
Sorry, Seattle fans.
Last season, the Thunder won 50 games behind a solid defense (9th in Defensive Rating) and Kevin Durant's offense. The biggest concern for this team is the fact that they didn't do much of anything during the offseason. Instead of overspending for a free agent, management held onto their cap space, stockpiled draftees and draft picks, and acquired Mo Pete.
Okay, well, that's foward thinking. Or something. But the "tread water" approach rarely works for championship caliber teams, and it's hard to imagine it doing much for the Thunder.
That said, Oklahoma City did sign Durant to a five-year contract extension, and for all we know this kid could blow up again this season. If Durant plays like an MVP on steroids, the Thunder could certainly win another 45-50 games, qualify for the playoffs, and give some team a scare in the first and/or second round.
However, 2010-11 could also be a rude awakening for this team on the rise. I mean, will the Thunder stay as healthy as they did in 2009-10, when four of their five starters played all 82 games and all nine rotation players played at least 73? Will they be able to stand up to all the sky-high expectations now that opposing teams will be gunning for them? Can Kevin Durant really make a Second Leap right after last year's First Great Leap? Aren't we making a lot of assumptions about a team that overachieved and didn't improve at all over the summer?
The Thunder are getting a lot of buzz. But me, I'm wary. Very wary.
Last season, Portland ranked dead last in Pace Factor, averaging a feeble 87.7 possessions per 48 minutes. You'd think they were using canes and walkers or something.
You want their offensive formula? The Blazers isolate Brandon Roy, crash the boards, and take care of the basketball. That's what they do. It's actually really similar to what the Atlanta Hawks did with their iso-Joe offense. And I guess it worked well enough: Portland ranked 7th in Offensive Rating at 110.8 points per 100 possessions.
But, honestly, that system isn't going to win many playoff series. Sure enough, the Blazers were eliminated in round one by a well-balanced Phoenix Suns team.
Don't get me wrong, people. I'm not naysaying the Blazers. Just point out some facts, which most people just discard anyway. On the up side, Portland is young, deep and very talented. And don't forget: The Blazers managed to win 50 games last year despite an ongoing series of freaky-freak injuries, which included Joel Przybilla blowing out his knee twice (the second time while taking a shower) and coach Nate McMillan
What's more, the Blazers have $15 million in expiring contracts (assuming they don't pick up team options on Jerryd Bayless, Rudy Fernandez and Nicolas Batum), two first round draft picks and trade bait in Fernandez (who wants off the team and could be considered a difference maker by potential contenders around the trade deadline).
You're telling me this team can't get better? You're telling me that, assuming nobody suffers a major injury, that they couldn't win 50-55 games? Or put up a serious fight in the playoffs? And if Greg Oden stays healthy...
...buh...buh...buhbwahahahahahaha!! I keed, I keed. That's not going to happen.
Sorry, Blazers fans.
The Utah Jazz
During the offseason, Utah took a big hit when they lost Carlos Boozer, who's now busy being injured for the Bulls instead of the Jazz.
Still, they pulled of a major coup by getting Al Jefferson for next to nothing. Big Al can almost certainly cover most of what Boozer gave them: Namely, 20 points, 10 rebounds, and a porous defense that consists of either reaching matador-style or simply hacking first and asking questions later.
This highlights Utah's biggest problem: Interior defense. Asking Boozer and Mehmet Okur to protect the painted area is like handing Lindsay Lohan a bottle of Jack and a bag of drugs and asking her to keep them safe. It ain't gonna happen. And it didn't. Therefore, the Jazz had to rely on a slap-happy defense that ranked second in personal fouls (1,859) and a league-worst in opponents free throws per field goal attempt (.269).
Of course, they ranked 5th in defensive rebound percentage and 6th in opponents turnover rate. And they did rank 10th in Defensive Rating. so it wasn't all doom and gloom on the defensive end. If the Jazz can stop hacking, they could be a top five defensive squad.
And there's not much wrong with them offensively. They were tops in percentage of assisted field goals (67.8) 4th in effective field goal percentage (.524), 4th in Free Throws Per Field Goal Attempt (.252) and the 5th-best team in terms of turnover percentage (.142). That's a Jerry Sloan offense for you. It helps that Deron Williams is freaking awesome, and maybe the best or second-best point guard in the league.
On the downside, Okur is still recovering from a torn Achilles and Kyle Korver is playing for the Bulls, so Utah will begin the season minus their two best long-range shooters. That could hurt the offense. Plus, Al Jefferson -- who is still learning the system -- hurt his hand against the Lakers the other night. The team has little depth and less interior defense.
Still, this is the Jazz we're talking about. Sloan will get them to execute like crazy and play hard almost every night. They'll win 45-50 games and make the playoffs, where they'll probably make a first or second round exit. Unless they make some sort of deal to shore up their bench and/or add some beef up front, they won't be able to handle big teams like L.A. and Portland.
I keep glancing over at the calendar on my cubicle wall while at work, and I keep looking at the date on my phone the rest of the time. We're getting so close to the start of the NBA season, even if it feels like a million years from now (which is, coincidentally, the same timeframe as when we can expect the Clippers to return to the playoffs).
Kevin Durant just picked up Team USA on his back and carried them to a FIBA world championship (America, fuck yeah!). Aside from further ripping the hearts out of Seattle basketball fans and leaving Portland fans cursing Greg Oden's name, that means we're left without any actual basketball activity for a few weeks. So what is there to do with that downtime??? The same thing we do every year -- make horrible predictions!
Nearly every sportswriter in the country will dish out their mindless prognostications about the upcoming season in the next few weeks, so why don't we beat them to the punch? Besides, who cares about making simple predictions like who will win the championship? I know you guys can do better than that. There are more bawful things to consider, like who will be the first player to get busted for possession this season? How many crab dribbles will LeBron get away with in the first month of the season? Post your thoughts in the comments. I'm sure it will be fun to look back at them after the season's done!
Sorry if you were going to predict that the Minnesota Timberwolves will take out a full page ad in the back of the newspaper to inform their fans that the team will suck again this year -- you're too late. This already happened. (And since I got the link to that article from a Simmons tweet, I feel I must include this: KAAAHHHNNN!!!)
You'll need to read the article to get a full appreciation for how amazing this is, but I'll give you a brief rundown: Shawn Darling, who worked as Shaq's personal IT guy a few years ago, basically accuses Shaq of doing lots of illegal activities trying to cover up a myriad of affairs. These activities include hacking into voicemails, changing phone passwords, throwing a PC with evidence on it into a lake, illegally obtaining restricted info on mistresses through people he knows in law enforcement, and finally this gem: "At that point, Darling claims Shaq sent him threatening messages, tried to break into his voicemail and enlisted the help of an active Arizona detective to master a computer program that would allegedly allow him to frame Darling for possession of child pornography so that Shaq could confiscate the computer holding evidence of his affair with Lopez."
So getting back to my previous point before being interrupted by so much bawful... we'd love to hear your predictions for this season. Head to the comments section and have fun!
An era of horror in New Jersey finally, mercifully comes to an end.
The Indiana Pacers: So much for the "surging" Pacers. Indy had won 11 of its last 14 games including 10 of 11 at home. And, in their final home game of the season, the Pacers treated their fans to a 118-98 stink-bomb loss in which they had a 43-24 disadvantage in free throw attempts and got outrebounded 53-38. So...when do the Butler Bulldogs start playing again?
Said Troy Murphy: "No excuses. We just didn't have it tonight from start to finish."
In related news, the Pacers are 27th in attendance, ahead of only the Grizzlies, Kings and Nyets. The only surprise there is that Indy wasn't dead last. But then again, the only other thing to do in Indiana is watch corn slowly grow, so maybe it makes a little sense.
Pictured: Why I don't like telling people
that I'm originally from Indiana.
The Philadelphia 76ers: Speaking of last home games of the season, the Sixers -- who rank 26th in attendance -- tried to go out on a high note against the "surging" Heat. But not even the Curse of Surge could help Philly, who lost on a Udonis Haslem jumper with 1.3 seconds left despite shooting 55 percent for the game.
Andre "The Other 80 Million Dollar Man" Iguodala, who missed five free throws in the two-point loss (including two straight with 2:41 left and his team down two), said: "We had the game in our hands, but we let it slip away. We made some mistakes down the stretch and we don't give ourselves an attempt to try to win or tie the game up."
There's no better way to sum up Philly's season. Short of an interpretive seizure that ends with uncontrollable vomiting and defecation.
The Detroit Pistons: Speaking once again of final home games of the season, the Pistons -- who inexplicably rank 8th in attendance -- got to wrap up their home schedule against a Chris Bosh-less Craptors team that had lost five in a row and 18 of their last 25 games. Oh, and Toronto was also playing the second of back-to-back games, the first of which was a 104-88 home court fail to the equally hapless Chicago Bulls.
So of course the Craptors got 33 points from Andrea Bargnani and a career-high 26 from Amir Johnson to win 111-97 in the Palace of Auburn Hills.
Defense was a problem. As summed up in the AP recap: "The Raptors had assists on 21 of their first 22 field goals, finished with a season-high 37 assists, and made 60 percent of their shots overall and on 3-pointers." In other words, there weren't any hands in any faces in Detroit last night.
In the process, the Pistons (26-55) have guaranteed their worst record since going 20-62 in the 1993-94 season. What's more, this will be the first year Detroit hasn't made the playoff since 2001.
Said Tayshaun Prince: "It's really disappointing."
Don't worry, Detroit fans. Only a few short months before the Lions open training camp!
Charlie Villanueval: Charlie V. -- one half of Joe Dumars' $90 million offseason spending spree -- had this to say on his Twitter account hours before his team's tipoff against the Craptors:
Toronto tonight at the palace, sorry Toronto fans, have love for u fans but Detroit is going to win
Guarantee win tonight, yeah I said it
And this is what he tweeted a few hours after the game:
Thank God I don't gamble cause I will be terrible at, lol
LOL!!!!
And this is what Villanueva told the press: "I don't think that fired them up because they had something to play for. I thought we would come ready to play, and I'm shocked we didn't after the way we've played lately."
I wonder if Charlie V. realizes his team has won 26 games this season. This loss isn't all that shocking. What's shocking is that Detroit fans haven't started chucking bricks during games.
The New Jersey Nyets: Speaking yet again about final home games of the season, the Nyets -- a mortal lock for this season's last place attendence record -- finished their run at the Izod Center with a double-digit loss to the Charlotte Bobcats in which they shot 39 percent and missed 20 of 24 three-pointers. As the AP recap put it: "The New Jersey Nets opened their 29-year NBA stay at the Meadowlands with a loss and they ended the run the same way."
How very fitting.
Devin Harris -- whose team is 35-109 since he said "We knew we were going to be a playoff team" in December of 2008 -- said: "It's disappointing losing the last game at Izod. But it's been like that for us all season."
Remember how the Nyets supposedly "fleeced" the Mavericks by getting Harris and DeSagana Diop in the Jason Kidd trade? Man, that seems forever and a week ago. Maybe Mark Cuban knew what he was doing after all...
Larry Brown, quote machine: As the AP recap pointed out: "The constant in both events was Larry Brown. He coached the Nets that night in 1981 against the Knicks and he was back for the final game to guide the Charlotte Bobcats over New Jersey 105-95 on Monday night."
To which Larry responded: "I was here for the first and the last. What does that tell you? How dumb are these people who keep hiring me? I'm sure over my career I've been in a lot of buildings and outlasted them. Me. Nelly [Don Nelson] and Lenny [Wilkens]. Coach [Jerry] Sloan. I don't know if that's a good thing."
The Milwaukee Bucks: Still speaking about final home games of the season -- do you sense a theme here? -- the previously surging but currently Andrew Bogut-less Bucks couldn't defend (giving up 53 percent shooting) or throw the ball into the ocean (shooting 38 percent as a team). As a result, they lost to the Hawks 104-96 and got dumped to sixth place in the Eastern Conference playoff race. Ah, but what does playoff seeding mean, anyway? Just ask rookie Brandon Jennings, veteran of exactly zero playoff games.
Said Jennings: "It's either Atlanta or Boston. I think they are both beatable for us. We've been hanging with them the whole year."
Aw! Rookies are so cute when they're being stupid.
Update! The Sacramento Kings: Hey, have I mentioned any last home games of the season yet? Well, the Paupers lost theirs. And it was a classic revenge game, as Kevin Martin -- who got voted off Excremento Island in favor of 'Reke the Freak -- had his second-highest scoring game of the season: 39 points on 11-for-20 from the field and 16-for-16 from the line.
Meanwhile, Evans -- thanks to some shot happiness and ball-hoggery -- joined Oscar Robertson, Michael Jordan and LeBron James in the 20-5-5 Rookie Club, which probably doesn't take that much of the sting out of Sacto's 25-56 record. Although, because of that record, 'Reke's record was pretty much the only reason the fans showed up. Just ask Paul Westphal: "This game was more about extraneous things more than the actual wins or losses. I think the players sensed that."
Yeah. I think the players have sensed that for a while, Paul. In related news, the Kings picked up the option on Westphal's contract for 2011-12 before the game.
Said Rockets coach Rick Adelman: "I didn't even know what was going on. Then finally they put 20-5-5 up there. I was more than happy to let him have that and we will take the win and go home."
The Los Angeles Clippers: Okay. One more "losing their final home game of the season" entry...which is what the Clippers did in getting pounded by the Mavericks 117-94. Okay, okay. Technically, The Other L.A. Team will finish up their season with a "home game" against the Lakers on Wednesday night, but that's the same as a game on the moon for the poor Clips, who were officially eliminated from the "30-Win Club" race. The best they can do is finish 29-53.
In related news, The Other L.A. Team is 20th in attendence despite being in freaking Los Angeles.
In all fairness to the Clippers, they were minus both of their starting guards -- Baron Davis (quitter sprained wrist) and Eric Gordon (sick of the Clippers viral infection) -- but that doesn't change the fact that they've lost eight of nine games and 18 of 21 to ensure their 17th losing season in the last 18 years. Abandon hope all ye who play or root for the Clippers!
Yep. They are who we thought they were.
The Minnesota Timberwolves: And finally a team wins their final home game of the season! And their 133-111 victory over the Timberpoops -- during which Minny committed 19 turnovers, gave up almost 60 percent shooting and fell behind by as many as 30 points -- gave the Spurs their 11th straight 50-win season. Feel the surge!
Minny's season ends Wednesday at home against the Pistons, and we have some potentially historic fail in the works. If the Timberwolves lose, they'll tie the Tony Campbell-led 1991-92 squad for worst record in the 21-year history of the franchise.
Said Al Jefferson: "If it happens, it was just meant to happen. That's how I look at it. Of course we don't want it to happen, but it's life."
Added Timberpoops coach Kurt Rambis: "This team was not built to win this year. We knew that."
So...the T-Poops were supposed to suck this season? I just love it when a team fulfills their potential!
The Memphis Grizzlies: Their 123-101 loss in Denver bumped the Griz back to a game below .500, which just feels about right for this team, doesn't it? Memphis shot 39 percent, gave up 39 free throw attempts and surrendered 27 fast break points. I thought bears came out of hibernation in the spring.
Grizzlies coach Lionel Hollins: "I didn't like nothing about the whole game. They pretty much had a party here. A going-away party. The last game for the fans. They had a party with it."
Party dance!
Zach Randolph: Now here's the Z-Bo we knew and loved! Near the end of the third quarter, Randolph got tagged with foul numero cinco for sending Nene to the floor during the battle for an offensive board. Admittedly, Nene might have done a little grabbing and acting, but losing your cool over iffy calls usually doesn't help. And of course it didn't. Zach's blabbing earned him a double-technical and an automatic ejection. Nene drilled all four free throws (two for the initial foul and two for the techs) to increase the Nuggets' lead to 90-72. Game over.
Now, just for shits and giggles, here's a classic Z-Bo booboo from the Isiah Thomas Era in New York. Gods, how I miss that era.
Rudy Gay: Even though he took a team-high 14 shot attempts, Gay finished with more fouls (4) than field goals (3) and more turnovers (2) than assists (1). Every time I've seen Rudy turn in one of these sub-par performances over the second half of the season, I always think the same thing: I wonder who's going to end up overpaying him this summer? I hope to God it's not the Bulls.
The Oklahoma City Thunder: Spider-Man's balls! Will Portland's misery never end? As if they hadn't been through enough this season -- including the loss of both centers, the Vanilla Godzilla reinjuring himself in the shower and their coach rupturing an Achilles tendonat practice -- the Frail Blazers have lost Brandon Roy to a torn meniscus in his right knee. Roy says he wants to play in the postseason, but that seems like borderline lunacy to me. Sure, his doctors say he probably can't hurt it any worse, but it's a fucking torn meniscus, Brandon! Take a seat, get healthy, and bring it next season.
Did I mention that a total of 13 Blazers have missed a combined 307 games this season?
Anyway, where was I? Oh, right. The Thunder. They ended up getting locked into the eighth seed and a first-round playoff date with the Lakers by losing 103-95 to the Roy-less Blazers, who got a season-high 30 points and 13 rebounds from Marcus Camby. Not only did the Camby Man go 12-for-16 from the field, but he submitted his highest scoring output since going off for 33 points against (of course) the Phoenix Suns on December 2, 2005.
More fun facts: Oklahoma City got pounded 60-40 in the paint and gave up 27 points off 16 turnovers.
The Washington WizardsGenerals Bullets: The Bullets were up by 10 points with about 10 and a half minutes left in the fourth quarter...but the Bricks ended up winning that quarter 40-21 as Washington lost 114-103.
Said Shaun Livingston: "Both offensively and defensively, it was just a total meltdown."
Added "Mr. Responsible" Andray Blatch: "We weren't disciplined in the fourth quarter. Plain and simple. They hit a couple of shots and we just lost our mind. We were like a chicken without a head out there."
Update! Andray Blatch: From AnacondaHL: "Extra bit from the Whizz-Bricks game: With Washington up 92-83, about 9 minutes left in the game, the Blatche Watch (hurrdurf) began. Having picked up his 5th PF, but having already collected a 17/10/7, Blatche started upping the amount of forced passes to teammates (this had been going on since the 3rd period), shooting for that triple-double. This of course opens a 20-2 run for the Knicks, eventually leading to the 40 point 4th quarter and a NY win. If the camera were any closer, I would have loved to see each sneer made when teammates missed shots and layups on potential assists."
Wow. It's like Blatch is channeling Wilt Chamberlain from the season the Dipper lead the league in assists. (It was 1967-68 in case you're interested.)
Mike D'Antoni, quote machine: Regarding the "hope" the Bricks have after completing their franchise record ninth consecutive losing season: "The fans need to hang in there a bit with us and hopefully we'll get the job done. It's going to be a tough summer, but they've hung this long so they might as well wait a few months and see what happens."
Paul Pierce and his delusions of grandeur: From Basketbawful reader winnetou: "Paul Pierce, Dunning-Kruger effect representative, when asked about the Celtics' playoff ambitions and chances: 'We want to be the champs. That’s the minimum level [of achievement to consider the season a success]. I don’t care what our record is. I don’t care how we’ve played. Our minimum level is winning the championship. That’s been our goal since we brought the team together, and that’s not changed.' But is it realistic? 'Yeah,' Pierce said. 'Without question.' (Boston Herald via TrueHoop)."
Update! Lacktion report: Evil e-mail gremlins sent chris's brilliant lacktion report to my Spam folder. I guess the Yahoo! e-mail administrators don't like lacktion.
Heat-Sixers: Joel Anthony made one steal in 19:23 as Miami's starting big man, yet bricked twice, took a rejection, and gained two fouls for a 2:0 Voskuhl.
Raptors-Pistons: Rasho Nesterovic lost the rock once in 4:35 for a +1 suck differential, also worthy of a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl. Marcus Banks collected on a single-giveaway +1 as well, but in 1:24.
Bobcats-Nyets: Nazr Mohammed spent 18:07 collecting two boards, only to take a rejection and three fouls and giveaways each for a 6:2 Voskuhl.
Dan Gadzuric fouled twice and bricked once in 4:27 to earn a +3 that also garnered a 2:0 Voskuhl. Primoz Brezec brought home the bacon with a 3.9 trillion (3:55) for Milwaukee.
Wolves-Spurs: Damien Wilkins bricked twice (once from the Riverwalk) and fouled twice in 8:02 for a +4!
Rockets-Kings: With Discount Store returning to Sactown for his first capital-area blue light special in months, Ime Udoka was able to save up 1.25 trillion (1:15)!
"Thanks, guys! I couldn't have done it without the 24 games we've won this season!"
The Minnesota Timberwolves: Even though the Warriors were without Monta "Moped" Ellis (flu), Anthony Randolph (ankle), Kelenna Azubuike, Andris Biedrins (sports hernia) and Brandan Wright, they still managed to beat the Timberpoops 116-107 in Minnesota to make Don Nelson the winningest coach in NBA history. Of course, if David Stern adopted any of my suggestions, a victory over Minny would only count for, like, 0.4 of an actual win. Although that would have still put Nelson at 1,332.4 coaching victories, which would still be the most ever.
Said Stephon Curry: "For us to get the record is a big accomplishment for us. We call it our championship game." In related news, the Warriors are 24-54 this season.
Don Nelson, quote machine: After setting the all-time NBA coaching wins record, Nelson -- who also has 1,061 career coaching losses -- said: "There's plenty of guys close to that if they want to coach a couple of years. There's coaches out there that win 50 at a time, 60 at a time. Not like me, winning 20 at a time, it's a little harder."
The New York Knicks: News flash: As of last night's 113-105 victory over the Bricks -- now the proud losers of 50 games in four of their past five seasons! -- the Pacers won for the 10th time in their last 11 home games and have won eight of 10 overall. Another news flash: Two women tried to sneak a dead man onto an airplane, Weekend At Bernies-style. Which of these facts is stranger? I'm going with the Pacers suddenly looking like postseason contenders. I'm baffled. Of course, Larry Bird is probably furiously dry-humping his desk in Conseco Field House and screaming, "Suck it, bitches!" At least, I'd like to think so.
Said Indy's Danny Granger: "We're clicking well on the offensive end. We're making shots, we're moving, we're getting layups, we're cutting. We really have everything going."
Not surprisingly, Bricks coach Mike 'Antoni remembers things a little differently: "I thought we were dead from the start with the game last night. We didn't have the necessary energy to start the game off. ... "I thought we played pretty well, except for the start."
Much as I hate to admit it, Mikey has a point. The Bricks fell behind 38-25 after the first period and were down by as many as 20 in the first half before rallying for the close loss instead of the blowout loss. Yay team?
Tracy McGrady, quote machine: Regarding Indy's offense: "They get up and down, high volume of shots." Guess who's agent is probably already on the phone with Larry Bird...
The Washington WizardsGenerals Bullets: Thanks to a 121-94 road thrashing by the Orlando Magic -- who have moved to within a half-game of the Los Angeles Lakers We Don't Give A Shit Until The Playoffs for the second-best record in the league -- the Bullets missed out on their first three-game winning streak in two years. Yep. It's been years between stringing together more than two wins in a row.
This beating, and maybe Washington's entire season, was epitomized by the crazy sequence that ended the third quarter. Jason Williams -- that's right, White Chocolate, baby! -- drilled a trey with two seconds left. Then Matt Barnes swatted a sloppy pass from The Fabulous Oberto back to Williams, who swished another three at the buzzer. Those few seconds bumped Orlando's lead from 13 to 19 and basically ended the game.
Said Williams: "I just got lucky."
There's no such thing as luck when you're playing the Bullets. I mean, the Magic shot almot 60 percent for the game. You don't knock down 44 out of 76 field goals by being lucky.
The Toronto Raptors: Can you say snakebitten? Oh, I guess that's pretty easy. Can you say hippopotomonstrosesquipedalian? Yeah. That's what I thought.
Anyway, one night after losing Chris Bosh "for weeks" after Antawn Jamison broke his face with an atomic elbow, Hedo Turkododo left the game during the first quarter after an unintentional headbutt from Boston's Tony Allen. Turkoglu sustained a bruised vagina nasal contusion and was taken to a local dance club for beers the hospital for a CT scan.
Said Antoine Wright: "When it rains it pours, I guess. We're dropping like flies right now."
Buzz buzz buzz!! In related news, last night's 115-104 home loss to the slumping Celtics was Toronto's third not-win in a row and the 12th in their last 18 games. And remember, folks, the Craptors are actually fighting for a playoff spot. I'd hate to see what they'd be doing if they didn't have anything to play for.
Michael Finley: Boston's resident mummy almost missed last night's game against the Craptors after -- and I'm being totally serious here -- he strained his back picking up his luggage at the team hotel. At least he didn't trip over his walker, too.
Said Doc River: "That's when you know you're old."
Added Zombie Finley: "If the game had started at 3 o'clock I probably wouldn't have played. [Celtics trainer Ed Lacerte] worked on me before the game, I went and shot around and it was better so I was able to play." And eat brains...delicious brains...
The Atlanta Hawks: Let me set the stage for you. The Pistons were missing Tayshaun Prince (personal reasons), Richard Hamilton (ankle), Jason Maxiell (back) and Chris Wilcox (hamstring), then lost Rodney Stuckey to a first-half rib injury. Oh, yeah, and Detroit sucks. Conversely, the Hawks fancy themselves contenders, so naturally the Pistons beat them 90-88. It was Detroit's 25th win of the season.
After watching his team get outscored 25-16 in the fourth quarter of a two-point loss to one of the league's worst teams, Atlanta coach Mike Woodson said: "We just self-destructed again down the stretch. That's something we've got to figure out before we start playing playoff basketball."
Yeah. Good luck with that, Mike.
Did I mention the Hawks missed nine free throws? Because that seems worth mentioning.
The Philadelphia 76ers: Philly shot almost 51 percent compared to 41 percent for the Heat, but still lost 99-95 after two dunks by Samuel Dalembert were waived off in the final 34 seconds, including one that would have tied the game with 5.6 seconds left.
Said Sammy: "At first it seemed as if it was inside, but when you look at the replay, it was outside. The referees are not perfect. I think in a crucial point like that they should have gone and watched the replay."
Sorry, Sam. I watched the replay. It was goaltending.
Anyway, the Heat have officially been described as "surging" now. You know what that means...
The Utah Jazz: Hmm. You think the Jazz were worn out from their overtime thriller against the Thunder on Tuesday night? According to the AP recap, the Mormon Musicians didn't arrive in Houston until about 4 a.m. Of course, based on the way they played, it was more like they hadn't shown up at all. Utah went 3-for-15 from downtown (no legs) and committed 26 turnovers, including 14 in the first half (no hands either, I guess).
Deron Williams -- who followed up his career-high 42-point effort against Oklahoma City by starting out 1-for-5 and committing 6 TOs in the first half -- said: "Coach [Jerry Sloan] told us to leave it all on the floor [against the Thunder]. I don't like to make excuses, but it was a tough game for us, a tough turnaround. I tried to get it going. I just never really had that energy."
Chuck Hayes, who not-so-coincidentally grabbed a career-high 18 rebounds, responded: "They probably had tired legs, they had a tough, hard-fought game. But that's the NBA. You're going to have back-to-backs like that."
That's the NBA alright. The Jazz fell behind by as many as 26 in the second half before losing 113-96. And just like that, they go from number two in the West to just number two.
Luis Scola, unintentionally dirty quote machine: "We were touching a lot of balls."
The New Jersey Nyets: It didn't really matter the Bucks were without Andrew Bogut or that they were playing the second of back-to-backs after surviving a scrappy game in Chicago the night before. The Nyets just have a way of bringing out the best in their opponents. Milwaukee got a double-double out of the ancient Kurt Thomas (12 points, 10 boards), shot 52 percent as a team and outrebounded New Jersey 45-34. The result: A 108-89 win that was about as easy as the final score makes it look.
The Nyets scored 31 points after halftime on 27 percent shooting. Meanwhile the Bucks have gone 20-6 since trading for John Salmons.
Speaking of Salmons, he earned a tech for yelling at Brook Lopez after Lopez was jawing at Bucks coach Scott Skiles. Said Brook: "I told [Coach Skiles] 'I wasn't talking to you.' Then Salmons told me to shut up and stop talking and I was confused."
I'm confused too, John. Is it really necessary to bully an 11-win team? I mean, really?
Being a member of the Nyets hurts bad enough
without the tough talk from John Salmons.
The Oklahoma City Thunder: Even though Carmelo Anthony got "knocked out" near the end of the third quarter (see below) and Denver went more than 11 minutes without hitting a shot at one point, the Thunder couldn't hold off the Nuggets, who outscored Oklahoma City 25-14 in the fourth quarter to overcome a 13-point deficit and win 98-94. Think the Thunder, like the Jazz, were tuckered out from the night before? I mean, they were outrebounded 50-41 (including 15-10 on the offensive glass) and went 1-for-14 from beyond the arc. Oh, and they didn't connect on a field goal over the final nine minutes of the game.
"No excuses, no excuses," said a flat-footed Kevin Durant, who scored 33 but missed his last six shots.
Carmelo Anthony, quote machine: Regarding getting knocked the hell out: "One of the doctors asked me to say the months backwards. I can't do that on a regular day." The same goes for tying his shoes, folding toilet paper into equal squares, and changing the channel on his TV without a remote control.
By the way, how weird was 'Melo's knockout? In case you haven't watched it, do so now:
Basketbawful reader LotharBot said: "I also recommend watching the video of Carmelo lying on the court motionless while play went on around him. He contends he lost consciousness after colliding with Durant, but apparently everyone in the building thought he was throwing a temper tantrum, so the refs allowed the Thunder to inbound the ball, Denver didn't elect to call a timeout to stop them, and even when the Nugs got the ball back they dribbled into the frontcourt and tried to play around him. It wasn't until the next whistle that anybody thought 'huh... he didn't get up to cherry-pick after the steal. Maybe he's actually hurt.' It was a very, very strange sequence."
The Memphis Grizzlies: After losing at home 113-103 to the Rockets on Tuesday, the Griz traveled to Dallas for a 110-84 bitch slapping. Sometimes it doesn't pay to leave the house in the morning. The Grizzlies -- who were seriously thinking playoffs a few weeks ago -- have dropped six of seven and look like they're ready to go fishin'.
Said Mike Conley: "You can't quit. We have goals like making the playoffs, and we understand that we aren't in it, but we still have to be able to play no matter who we are playing or no matter who is out on the court. We have to play at 100 percent effort and we didn't bring that tonight."
They also didn't bring their hands. Based on the 20 turnovers -- including 12 in the first half that turned into 18 points going the other way -- the Grizzlies were trying to handle the ball with wet pasta noodles dipped in bacon grease. That shouldn't have made me hungry, but it did.
Said Memphis coach Lionel Hollins: "It was unbelievable, the turnovers. We just kept giving them the ball, giving them the ball, and they'd run it down our throat or shoot 3s. Then they were moving the ball really well one stretch, and every time they moved it to an open guy he made a shot. That just broke our will."
The Los Angeles Clippers: Their loss -- a 93-85 home defeat -- was Portland's gain, as the Frail Blazers leap-frogged into the sixth spot in the Western Conference playoff race. Meanwhile, at the other end of the spectrum, the Clips reached loss number 51 of the season. That makes three straight 50-loss seasons...and 11 in the last 17 years. It would have been twelve, but they were only able to lose 41 games in the lockout-shortened 50-game season of 1998-99.
Said The Other L.A. Team's interim head coach / excuse maker Kim Hughes: "We missed a myriad of open shots and layups in the fourth quarter that really hurt us." You can't miss a myriad of open shots and layups in the fourth quarter and win. You just can't.
Anyway, the Clippers are who we thought they were. Movin' on...
The San Antonio Spurs: The "Surging" Curse continued last night, as the previously surging Spurs ran into a buzz saw called the Phoenix Suns. And it was a game of role reversal, with the Suns playing aggressive, physical defense and the Spurs either backing down or crying to the officials for a call. It was Bizarro Night in Phoenix.
Speaking of which, the Suns went up by as many as 17 in the fourth quarter before the Spurs rallied to get to within five points. Mysteriously, Phoenix coach Alvin Gentry left Steve Nash -- who had 18 points, 12 assists and a steal -- on the bench for the entire fourth quarter...even though San Antonio was making a comeback. I guess Alvin just really hearts Goran Dragic.
Said Gentry: "If we lose I probably would have gotten fired on the spot. I've got a two-time MVP sitting over there that had a great game. ... I don't think anybody was more happy than Steve the way Goran played. I just think that's what makes us a really good team, just the chemistry and the way everyone pulls for each other."
Nash, for his part, seemed pretty happy with it. Although you have to figure he might have felt otherwise if the Suns had lost. Anyway, Nash said: "Alvin's been ballsy that way lately and it's been great. One, it's important to give those guys confidence and, two, it gives us some rest."
The Spurs -- who fell to 7-9 in the second game of back-to-backs -- were left to rue their lousy first-half foul shooting. At one point in the first half, the Spurs were 4-for-13 from the foul line. They were 7-for-18 by halftime.
Said San Antonio coach Gregg Popovich: "In the first half, we really missed a great opportunity by missing our free throws."
Of course, fatigue might have played a part in the loss. Hence the 19 turnovers and 6-for-25 long-range shooting.
Said Tim Duncan: "There were too many things that we could have taken care of that were simple. Just turning the ball over, missed free throws. We had a bunch of missed assignments defensively. That's a lot of things that we can clean up. It's a disappointing game for us, but such is life. We've got another one in two days."
Manu Ginobili: It was reported yesterday that the Spurs and Manu -- who has really been kicking ass and taking names lately -- have agreed to a three-year extension worth $38.9 million. The he goes out and scores only 10 points on 5-for-14 shooting, including 0-for-5 from three-point range. But I'm sure it's only coincidence.
Amar''''''e Stoudemire's green arm sleeve: I know it's NBA Green Week and all that, but STAT really should have left it at green socks only. My eyes couldn't focus on that arm sleeve for some reason. Was it just me?
Also, John Hollinger says the 2009-10 Phoenix Suns have one of the best offenses in NBA history. Hollinger also notes that Amar''''''e has really been picking it up lately. He notes Nash's achy back and Stoudemire's increased comfort. Why can't John start tracking Contract Year Phenomenon-related stats?
WNBA Draft: Damn it all!!! The WNBA Draft is going to be broadcast live on ESPN2 at 2 p.m. CST...but I'll still be at work. I wonder if I can get streaming video? Because the Washington Mystics are seeking a post player and I won't want to wait to find out if they get one! Of course, Mechelle Voepel says this year's draft class is lacking in star power, so maybe it won't matter if I can't watch it live. In case this is your first day on the Internet, welcome to the Internet! And I was being sarcastic.
Rasheed Wallace: Wow. Bill Simmons dismantled 'Sheed so thoroughly in this article that the FBI has already issued a warrant to search Bill's crawl space in case Wallace ever disappears. Simmons is 100 percent on the money, though.
Lacktion report: Last night's extensive run of lacktion kept chris even busier than usual...
Celtics-Raptors: It's amazing how rarely "celebratory" has applied to any of the C's exploits of late, but tonight was a chance for a brotherhood of water-system experts to emerge yet again, with Marquis Daniels (26 seconds) and Shelden Williams (42 seconds) each earning themselves Marios! For Toronto, Marco Belinelli built up a bank account worth 3.6 trillion (3:36) - the Association's 100th wealthy man this year!
Bullets-Magic: Fabricio Oberto - the Bullets' starting big man!!! - actually helped out thricely from the range in 19:41 (and blasted three boards to boot) but gave up his arsenal three times as well, along with a trio of fouls, to earn himself a 6:4 Voskuhl.
Nyets-Bucks: Chris Quinn had a mighty melee of more than millions come his way tonight: 3.5 trillion (3:31) to be exact.
Warriors-Wolves: Starting center Ronnie Turiaf turned a five-assist night into a Voskuhl in 22:12 by negating a field goal with four giveaways and a foul for a 5:2 ratio. (Losing the rock that much really seems to be appropriate for the night of the Nellieball Record-Breaking Win.)
Nuggets-Thunder: Ty Lawson received a cash settlement of 4.2 trillion (4:13) for Denver.
Jazz-Rockets: Jordan Hill climbed into the ledger for Houston tonight by countering three boards in 10:31 with four bricks, two fouls, and two turnovers for a 4:3 Voskuhl. Hilton Armstrong also checked in by putting down a deposit for an overnight stay worth 2.2 trillion (2:11).
Grizzlies-Mavs: Hamed Haddadi had himself a foul in 3:21 for a +1 suck differential that also earned a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl!
Frail Blazers-Clippers: Jeff Pendergraph wired himself another wave of cash, in this case 3.2 trillion (3:11) - the fifth successful entrepreneur of a rather currency-flush evening in the Association. Meanwhile, THE Steve Novak is clearly trying to be this season's least productive player overall, spending 13 seconds assembling a Robotic Operating Buddy for a Mario!
Spurs-Suns: Jarron Collins negated a trio of boards in 12:09 as starting center with four fouls and two turnovers for a 6:3 Voskuhl. Meanwhile, Earl Clark crunched out a sweet box of Nintendo cereal in just 3 seconds for a SUPER MARIO!
Bring Chris Bosh To Chicago This Summer foundation.
The Excremento Kings: Thank you so much, Purple Paupers, for possibly helping to screw up Basketbawful's dream season by giving the New Jersey Nyets their eighth win. No, really. Thanks. You can expect a gift basket filled with gorilla feces and biting insects to arrive by courier van pretty much any minute. And no, I don't want to hear about how this was your third straight game without Tyreke Evans. You really should have been able to get your freak on against the Nyets even without The Freak.
Said Excremento coach Paul Westphal: "I would say it's not even really close, so far, by miles and miles our worst game of the year in every way." Hey, maybe you should bench Spencer Hawes again, Paul. Because that so worked before. Or maybe some other random act of stupidity. Bitch slap Andres Nocioni, maybe? Ooo, or maybe knock on Omri Casspi's hotel room door and then run away. That would be coaching genius.
Added Carl Landry: "You really don't want to lose to this team. They are facing the worst record of all-time in NBA history and this is a team you just don't want to lose to. It will be a game I will remember forever, the rest of my life."
Devin Harris, quote machine: "It's always a nice feeling to win. It's been a rough year for all of us. It's a good feeling to see guys cheerful back in the locker room and excited about coming to work tomorrow. Hopefully, we can hang onto this and carry it into the next game." For the record, the Nyets are now 31-103 since Devin Harris said "We knew we were going to be a playoff team" back in December of 2008.
The Orlando Magic: The Magicians lead the league in Defensive Rebounding Percentage (.772) and -- going into the final play of last night's game in Atlanta -- had outrebounded the Hawks 48-37 (including a 9-2 advantage in offensive rebounds). Too bad they forgot to block out on the final and most important play of the game...
I've seen crippled garden gnomes with better last-second reflexes. How does a garden gnome become crippled? That's not for you to know, mortal fool.
Said Magic coach Stan Van Gundy Ron Jeremy: "On the weak side, we just stood and watched. The guys on the court are doing the same thing the guys on the bench are doing: just standing there watching." So in a way...the Magic have become their coach. Only without the super-sexy t-shirt-and-blazer combo. Weird.
This win clinched a playoff berth for the Hawks and the very first postseason appearance for Jamal Crawford, who began the night having played [insert scary music here] 666 games without making it to the postseason. That was the third-longest drought in NBA history, and also a sign that Crawford must have done something truly unspeakable to make it happen.
"I finally got it," Crawford said, breaking into a big smile and trying to wipe the virgin goat blood off his sacrificial dagger.
The Denver Nuggets: Speaking of clinching playoff berths, the Celtics did that last night at the expense of the Nuggets. Denver had second-night-of-back-to-backs-itis, missing 12 free throws, getting outrebounded 45-36 (including 17-8 on the offensive glass), getting outscored in the paint 58-28, and giving up 28 points off 17 turnovers. Obviously, getting outplayed in most of the significant categories will get you beat.
The loss -- make it three straight, by the way -- dropped the Nuggets a half-game behind the Dallas Mavericks and into a third-place tie with Utah in the Western Conference. Remember: This is the team that's supposed to challenge the Lakers in the playoffs. And yet despite the fact that they've been the second-best team in the West most of the season, they're only 17-19 outside of Denver. That's the eighth-best road record in their conference. If elite teams usually win on the road and the Nuggets do not win on the road, then...
Of course, the excuse parade is marching down Nuggets street because coach George Karl missed his ninth straight game (cancer treatment) while Kenyon Martin missed his 11th in a row (left knee tendinitis). Said Chauncey Billups: "It's tough playing without your head coach and the guy [Martin] that has the biggest presence and the biggest voice on the team. There is nobody stressing on it. We just have to man up and get ourselves through it."
The Washington WizardsGenerals Bullets: One night after Andray Blatch decided listening to his coach was purely optional, and Flip Saunders benched him and declared he probably wouldn't see court time against the Pacers, Saunders totally caved and played Blatch 39 minutes. The result? A 99-82 loss that allowed Washington to tie the franchise record for consecutive defeats (13).
Karma really is a bitch.
I mean, remember what Saunders said after Blatch refused to D up and then also refused to listen to Flip tell him to play defense? Here. Allow me to remind you: "Fifteen years, I've never seen anything like it, never. He can be pissed at me or whatever, but you never leave your teammates hanging out to dry like that, no matter what, especially when you've lost 11 games in a row and you’ve got a chance to win a game. Uncalled for. We'll deal with it." I like to imagine he punctuated that statement by running a finger across his neck, executioner-style.
Apparently, Flip's method of "dealing with it" was letting Blatch log game highs in minutes and shot attempts. If there's a team in this league that needs discipline and leadership, it's the Bullets. But this was an epic fail in those categories, and several others that haven't even been discoverd by earth science yet.
"There's a lot of misunderstandings," Blatche said on 106.7 The Fan's Mike Wise Show. "I'd say out of 100 percent of the situation, I'd say blame me 25 percent. They took me out of the game, I heard [Flip Saunders] say something to me but I just sat down on the bench. I was frustrated, I didn't want to make things worse, so I just sat down. And after that he just sat me down for the rest of the game, and I didn't come back in."
"We had a meeting today at breakfast, and one of the coaches said I owe my teammates an apology. And I said, 'Actually, I don't, because I still don't feel that I'm wrong.' Because I never said I don't want to play....
"It was Randy Wittman, because Flip, he has a migraine, he didn't come to the meeting. So I guess he had randy speak for him, and when Randy said that I felt once again disrespected again, because I didn't say the word that they said I'm saying. And I'm not gonna just roll with the punches and be looked at as a bad person when I didn't do something wrong. If I do something wrong, I don't have a problem with saying I was wrong and I owe you an apology. But I don't, because I never said I don't want to play."
"He said that in the meeting after the game. Coaches are never wrong. And that's the problem. That's the problem right there. I mean, as a man, everybody makes mistakes. But as a man, you have to learn how to apologize, and therefore he needs to apologize, because he was wrong, because I never said that."
"This situation, I wish it never occurred, but you know it's gonna blow over after a while. To me, I think this will all go away if I receive an apology, because to abuse my name like that, that's disrespectful and that's hurtful. And you want me to play for you after you made all these stories about me in the paper and after the game? That's crazy."
You know, everybody's always looking for the next Bird, the next Jordan, the next Magic...nobody's ever looking for the next Dennis Rodman or next Ron Artest. Well, I think we found one of the next of those last two guys. Now if he would only release a rap CD and ask for a mid-season vacation so he could do a publicity tour...
Oh, and by the way, here's an extra special (and totally sarcastic) double thumb's up to the Pacers. As BadDave put it: "For you Royalty double-timers, you can always offer this consolation. Bawful (and I) are Pacers fans. Our team doesn't start winning until it hurts their draft..."
As always, Approval Guy approves.
The Toronto Craptors: This is your birthday song! It isn't very long! [polite applause] That's about how long Chris Bosh's 26th birthday celebration lasted against the Jazz last night. Utah raced out to a 33-17 lead after one quarter and then pretty much just coasted in for a 113-87 win. In Toronto of course.
And the RuPaul of Big Men wasn't happy. Said Bosh: "[The Jazz are] good, they're one of the best teams in the West. But that's still no excuse. We didn't come to play. "Yeah, they're good, but we have to [say], 'Who cares? We're still going to win this game.' And I don't think we have that fire right now."
Is it teammate blaming time? Yep, it's teammate blaming time.
Said Bosh: "I can't instill it in guys. You have to have it on your own. As much as I would like to do everything, I can't do everything. Personally, you have to bring something to the plate. Whatever gets guys going, we have to find it."
Mmmm. Smells like leadership. The bad kind, but it's still leadership, right?
Jarret Jack, quote machine: "We got our butts kicked, bottom line. I don't think anybody in here is into moral victories. We fought hard and got blown out. That's just the way I feel about it."
The Minnesota Timberwolves: My favorite quote from the AP recap of the Timberpoops-Bobcats game: "It took a trip to the weight room, some special exercises and a ball of tape to help Stephen Jackson overcome a painful finger injury and break out of his shooting slump." Let's just rewrite that to: "It took a trip to the weight room, some special exercises and a ball of tape to help Stephen Jackson overcome a painful case of poisonous werewolf cramps." I like that version better.
Blah, blah, blah, Minnesota blown out, blah, blah, blah, 14-58 on the year and 5-32 on the road, blah, blah, blah. Minny let Charlotte shoot nearly 54 percent. Now here's some blah, blah, blah from Kurt Rambis.
"Our team has difficulty sustaining their defense. They lose focus," Rambis said. "They get away from their defensive game plan. It's inexcusable for us as a team to turn the basketball over as much as we do and also give up 66 points in the paint. That number is just ridiculous."
And believe you me, anybody who coaches in Minnesota knows ridiculous.
Stephen Jackson, unintentionally dirty quote machine: "I do a lot of stuff with my left hand, so it's been frustrating."
The New Orleans Hornets: Last night's 105-92 home loss to the Craboliers made me think, man, what if Chris Paul was pla...wait, what? He did play? For, like, 31 minutes?
Well...shit.
Said Paul: "I have to get back into the flow and understand what we're doing. Hopefully that will come sooner than later." Yeah, especially since your team is one loss away from playoff elimination, Chris. No pressure, tho'.
The Milwaukee Bucks: Chugchugchugchugchugchug...CHOO CHOO!! That's the Bucks Train comin' at ya, baby! 15-2 in their last 17 games! Unstoppable! A friggin' force of nature! Fear the deer! They're the Juggernaut bitch! So their 101-86 home win over the Sixers isn't all that surpr...
...wait, they lost by that score? At home? To the Sixers?! That's like a boot to the head from, like, Aquaman.
You knew it was coming, right?
Jerry Stackhouse, who recently got into the best shape of his life using P90X, said: "We've got to understand, we haven't clinched anything yet. We've still got to win games to make sure we secure ourselves a spot."
Added Andy Bogut: "We're [not] past that point where we look at teams that are below us and expect an easy win. We're not that good yet. Definitely not. We just came out and didn't play well tonight."
Concluded Milwauke coach Scott Skiles: "In three months, two teams are going to be playing in the NBA finals, so if you're fatigued right now you're probably not up to that challenge. That's the reality of it, but I can't deny what I see with my own eyes."
Damn. Those are some pretty sour grapes from a team that's 15-3 in their last 18 games. I think expectations for the Bucks have gotten a little out of control.
Elton Brand: Damn. Even when his team shoots nearly 53 percent from the field and scores over 100 points in a blowout win, Brand still sucks. The 80 Million Dollar Man finished with 6 rebounds and 3 points on 1-for-7 shooting.
The Houston Rockets: Team Scrappy fell behind 39-25 by the end of the first quarter and then spent the rest of the game making fishin' plans. After all, the 122-104 loss in Oklahoma City knocked them 5 1/2 games behind the eighth-place Frail Blazers in the Western Conference. And the Money Ballers have only 12 games left to make up that ground.
Huh. I guess teams need stars after all. And no, Trevor Ariza does not count as a star, no matter what Ron Artest says. Niether, apparently, does Kevin Martin (8 points in 28 minutes) or Aaron Brooks (3-for-12).
(Okay, okay. The Houston bench was a little bare, as the Rockets were missing Shane Battier, Jordan Hill and Jared Jeffries, and had to call up D-Leaguers Jermaine Taylor and Mike Harris. But I honestly didn't get the feeling Battier, Hill and Jeffries would have made the difference last night.)
The San Antonio Spurs: I know last night's 92-83 home loss to the Lakers -- during which they were outscored 51-35 in the second half -- looked bad. I'll grant you that. But the Spurs are a second half of the season tea...wait, this is the second half of the season? Eh, no matter. The Spurs will kick it into gear for the stretch ru...wait, this is the stretch run? Oh, and did I mention the Lakers were without Andrew Bynum?
Uh oh.
The Memphis Grizzlies: It seems worth noting that the Grizzlies are still in the hunt for a playoff spot out West. Mathematically speaking, they're right there in the chase, which means games against, let's say, the second-worst team in the conference are ones Memphis kinda-sorta has to win. Right...?
Only the Warriors scored almost 80 first-half points, shot nearly 55 percent from the field, and won 128-110. Man, I bet Zach Randolph was having flashbacks to his days with the [insert crappy team name here].
Said O.J. Mayo: "We didn't play any defense, nobody. It's not about the offense. We gave up 78 points in the first half -- enough said."
Added Mike Conley: "We were sleepwalking the first half. They were being aggressive and making shots. We just didn't play defense in the first half."
Who knew Marc Gasol was the linchpin of the Grizzlies' defense? The ninth-place Grizzlies are now 4 1/2 games behind the Frail Blazers in the Western Conference with 10 games remaining.
Dubious records and historic fails from the AP game notes: "The Warriors had their highest-scoring first half of the season, including a season-best 44 in the second quarter. ... The 78 points allowed were a Grizzlies opponent franchise record."
Lacktion report: If you note a hint of sadness in chris's lacktion report, please refer to the entry above titled "Excremento Kings."
Hawks-Magic: Josh Smith's monster slam may be the story of the night, but how about Dwight Howard going 11 for 16 at the stripe and earning a DANTLEY?!?!?
Back to lacktion - Marcin Gortat countered a board with a trio of fouls in 4:16 for a 3:1 Voskuhl, while THE Mario West ran into a Goomba for a foul in 36 seconds, resulting in a +1 suck differential and his namesake stat, the Mario! (This also happens to be the 4th time in 8 days that Mario West has donned the plumber's overalls, making the term even more appropriate than ever!)
Nuggets-Celtics: Marquis Daniels bricked once from the Big Dig and fouled thricely in 6:01 for a +4 - his second suck differential of that score in five days! Shelden Williams tossed a brick once in 54 seconds to complete a Tetris puzzle, which earned him a +1 and a Mario.
Wolves-Bobcats: Ryan Hollins negated a steal in 7:26 with a brick, foul, rejection and giveaway for a 2:0 Voskuhl. For Charlotte, Gerald Henderson tossed a piece of masonry in 2:22 for a +1.
Jazz-Raptors: Marcus Banks deposited a pair of bricks from Yonge Street in 3:03, also fouling and losing the rock once each for a +4!
Kings-Nyets: Okay. The Paupers gave the Nyets their 8th win of the year.
:facepalm:
Now that that's taken care of...Dominic McGuire got 6 seconds of Nintendo DS time tonight in a Super Mario at Brendan Byrne Arena, while the Kings broadcast crew noted that Devin Harris actually took a foul with 35 seconds to go to give Chris Quinn a stint worthy of the Famicom, finishing out the game for a celebratory Mario! Trenton Hassell capitalized on Kiki Vanderweghe's generosity and bricked once in 4:16 for a +1.
Sixers-Bucks: In a rare losing effort during this John Salmons Era, Kurt Thomas wasted away two boards and a block in 12:18 with four fouls for a 4:2 Voskuhl.
Crabs-Hornets: With Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson no longer on the roster, Jawad Williams stepped up in a pinch and tossed a brick for a +1 in 1:20.
Lakers-Spurs: DJ Mbenga made one free throw in 4:42, but fouled and gave up the rock once each for a 2:1 Voskuhl; Josh Powell also made the Voskuhl ranks tonight in 6:03 by negating two boards with four bricks, two fouls, and a giveaway for a 3:2. Sasha Vujacic provided Jerry Buss with more funds for his weekly poker rendezvous with a 2.7 trillion (2:44).
For the Spurs, Malik Hairston and Ian Mahinmi made 1.2 trillion each together (1:11) for Gregg Popovich.
Grizzlies-Warriors: Anthony Morrow, our latest addition to the season-long lacktion ledger, gave Team Nellieball a +2 in 2:24 via foul and giveaway.
The Bizarro Bulls: Allow me, if you will, to steal a little content from myself. Imagine if a Bulls fan had used the Hot Tub Time Machine to travel from some time last October to right before last night’s tipoff against the Grizzlies in Memphis. They’d probably think they had traveled to some horrific alternate reality instead of through time.
After all, Chicago opened this season with a core group of Derrick Rose (out with a sprained wrist), Joakim Noah (out with plantar fasciitis), Luol Deng (out with a strained calf muscle), Kirk Hinrich (serving a one-game suspension), John Salmons (traded to Milwaukee) and Tyrus Thomas (traded to Charlotte).
In the absence of that core group -- which includes the team’s current four leading scorers -- the Bizarro Bulls opened last night’s game with a starting lineup of Brad Miller, Taj Gibson, Flip Murray, Acie Law and Jannero Pargo. After giving it some serious thought, I came to conclusion that it was the worst lineup I’d seen since 1998-99 when Chicago finished the season with a starting lineup of Tony Kukoc, Ron Harper, Dickey Simpkins, Rusty LaRue and Cory Carr.
That's some serious bawful.
Of course, the Grizzlies promptly sunk to the occasion, letting Flip Murray and Acie "I am the" Law stroll in for uncontested layups, committing seven early turnovers and falling behind 20-10. When they finally woke up in the second quarter, they went on a 17-0 run and took a 55-44 halftime lead. That lead bulged to 25 points in the third quarter...and then Memphis hit the snooze button.
The Grizzlies opened the fourth quarter by missing 10 of their first 12 shots -- which included two sweet blocks by James Johnson -- and committing 5 turnovers. Chicago rampaged all the way back from that 25-point hole to within four points (94-90) with under three minutes to go in the game.
Then things came undone, thanks primarily to...
Jannero Pargo: If I didn’t know better, I’d wonder whether somebody in the Memphis front office had slipped paid off Pargo to throw the game. Not did he shoot the ball like somebody had just rammed fish hooks in his eyes (4-for-15 from the field and 0-for-4 from downtown), but Jannero committed three of his co-game-high 5 turnovers in the final 2:27. That included turnovers on back-to-back possessions, which led to a hook shot and layup for Zach Randolph that pushed the Memphis lead to 98-90.
After Hasheem Thabeet hit a shot on the Grizzlies' next possession to put Memphis ahead 100-90, the game was pretty much over. I just hope Grizzlies coach Lionel Hollins did the right thing and gave Pargo the game ball. He was their MVP down the stretch.
That's eight straight losses for the Bulls, by the way. Chicago is now 1.5 games behind Toronto for the eigth and final Eastern Conference playoff spot.
The Charlotte Bobcats: With a win over the Pacers in Indy, the Bobcats could have set a new franchise record with their seventh straight victory. However, the odds were against them (fifth game in eight days) and the situation was grim (Gerald Wallace missed his second consecutive game with an injured left ankle). The result was a 99-94 loss to a team that was headed for the NBA Draft Lottery months ago. Maybe not mathematically, but c'mon.
Said Stephen Jackson: "It wasn't really fatigue. We were missing shots, and we didn't let our defense be the catalyst of our game. We worried about our offense first, and didn't start playing defense until the fourth quarter. On the road, you can't get down and try to play catch-up."
Listen to him. Captain Jack came to Charlotte from Gol_en State. He practically has a doctorate in "Worrying About Offense First."
Of course, I suppose I could give the Pacers their own entry for almost squandering a 15-point fourth quarter lead.
Said Mike Dunleavy Jr.: "You have to close out games. Those guys are going to stick around and hang tough. We made some silly mistakes, took some bad fouls and made it closer than we would have liked."
It's always an adventure in Indiana. But not the fun kind of adventure where you find some fabulous treasure and get the girl. It's usually more of a misadventure where you end up face-first in a ditch.
Anyway, Charlotte gave up 22 points off 19 turnovers and missed 11 free throws, so the game was lost due to sloppy play. And no play was sloppier than the one made by...
Boris Diaw: The 'Cats actually had the ball and a chance to tie the game with less than a half-minute left in the game, but Boris committed a turrible turnovers, throwing the ball right to Indiana's Troy Murphy with 20 ticks to go.
Charlotte coach Larry Brown actually tried to deflect blame away from Diaw: "I tried to call timeout. We got kind of confused. That was my fault. I thought we maybe could get a two for one, but when there is indecision like that, I've got to be more responsible."
Uh, okay. Unless Brown dressed Murphy in a Bobcats jersey, I'm pretty sure it's Diaw's fault he didn't realize Troy wasn't on his team. But way to take one for the team, Larry.
Tyson Chandler: Yesterday on his blog, Chandler said: "I came back to the [Bobcats] on March 5th and we beat the Lakers that night. Since then, we've won our last six games."
Next thing you know, the 'Cats lose to the Pacers. Stat curse!
The Cleveland Cavaliers: Don't let the final score of their 113-101 win over the Pistons fool you...this game was freaky close until the final minutes. There were 10 lead changes and 21 ties. Heck, the game was tied with 4:44 left. Detroit just couldn't hold on.
Said Charlie V.: "We were trying to redeem ourselves, so this is very frustrating. It's encouraging to see us compete like this, but it is still another loss."
The game might have been over a lot sooner if the Crabs had been able to get some stops, or even if they hadn't bricked so many foul shots. I mean, they went 22-for-33 and Shaq didn't even play. I guess Shaqnopsis is an incurable disease.
LeBron's first three quarters: Another factor that helped keep Detroit in the game was how 'Bron went 5-for-15 through three quarters. James missed 10-of-15 shots over the first three quarters. Of course, he was 5-for-7 with 4 boards and 3 dimes in the fourth and ended up with his 28th career triple double (29-12-12).
Officiating: Man, it's good to be the most protected player in the league King, huh? With about seven minutes left in the fourth, King Crab hit a layup and got the "And 1!" Just one problem, though: Tayshaun Prince fouled LeBron just inside the three-point arc. It was the worst continuation I've seen since Larry Johnson's infamous four-point play. Check it out here. Fast forward to the 1:04 mark.
Said Will Bynum: "I'm not surprised by any call in the NBA any more, but you also have to give him some credit. There's probably no one else on Earth who could have even gotten a shot off like that." Or who would have been allowed to get it off.
But wait, there's more. With just under two minutes to go and the Pistons trailing 104-101, it looked like Bynum was going to score a breakaway layup to pull Detroit to within a point...but LeBron's uncalled goaltend put a stop to that:
Like I said, it's good to be the most protected player in the league King.
The Miami Heat: In losing at home to the Spurs, the Heat missed a chance to leapfrog the Bobcats for the 6th spot in the Eastern Conference playoff race. It probably won't matter much in the end, since Miami finishes the season with nine straight games against sub-.500 teams. But for one night at least, the loss was a pretty big bummer.
The Heat shot 38 percent from the field and went 3-for-16 from three-point range, which might explain why they fell behind by 25 points in the third quarter. That's a pretty big hole to rally out of...and they didn't.
Said James Jones: "We gave them too much of a lead, too much of a spot to try to make up. When you're playing a good team like that, you don't get very many chances to put them away. They showed it tonight."
The San Antonio Spurs: They led 69-44 with a couple minutes to go in the third quarter but let the Heat cut that lead down to six points in the fourth before pulling away again. The reason: turnovers. San Antonio gave up 23 points off 22 TOs. But they've been winning a lot lately (4-1 since Tony Parker got hurt) and have become the latest team to be described as "surging." Uh huh. You know what that means...
The New Jersey Nyets: Their 108-84 home loss to the Hawks -- in which the Devin Harris-less Nyets shot 38 percent, bricked eight free throws and gave up 22 points off only 16 turnovers -- was important because it was New Jersey's 60th loss of the season. The Nyets still need three wins in their last 15 games to avoid tying or breaking 1972-73 Philadelphia 76ers' worst-ever win-loss record of 9-73.
Said Courtney Lee: "Today was a big letdown for us, we took a step back. We've been competitive on the road the last how many games have we played, but today was a big step back."
Wait, what? How many steps back can a 7-win team take? Aren't their asses already against the Wall of Bawful History? The bad news is...New jersey's schedule. They still have games left against the Bulls (twice), Kings, Pacers, Pistons, Sixers, Wizards.
Also, their last two games are against the Bobcats and Heat. Those games might be a wash for those teams if playoff positions have already been clinched. Bad as the Nyets are, I'd probably take them in a battle against the Charlotte and Miami benches.
Phoenix had eight players in double figures and set the NBA season high in scoring for a single game.
The Suns' 152 points are the most scored by any team this season and tied a U.S. Airways Center record originally set by the SuperSonics on January 22, 2006.
The Suns are the second team in the last 10 years to score 35-plus points in every quarter of a game (Nuggets vs. SuperSonics, March 16, 2008).
Phoenix scored 79 points in the first half. That's the second-most points scored in a half in the NBA this season, surpassed only by the 80-point second half for Milwaukee against Golden State on November 14. You knew Gol_en State was going to be brought into this somehow, right?
Oh, and regarding that 79-point first half: The Suns hadn't scored that many in a half since getting 80 in the second half in its 154-point game at Golden State back on March 15, 2009. You knew Gol_en State was going to be brought into this again, right?
Said Amar''''''e Stoudemire: "It was a lot of fun. It was so much fun when the starters were able to rest there in the fourth. We'll take that."
Not so much fun for the Timberpoops, who lost their 10th straight game. By the way, that's the longest active losing streak in the league.
The Washington WizardsGenerals Bullets: The Nuggets were missing Chris Andersen (sprained left ankle) and Kenyon Martin (left knee tendinitis), and Ty Lawson didn't play for the ninth straight game since bruising his left shoulder. Oh, and Denver was on its second night of back-to-backs. Fortunately, the Bullets were in town. And even more fortunately, Washington's best player (Andray Blatch) left the game after twisting his ankle midway through the fourth quarter.
It also didn't help that the Bullets were at the end of a rather grueling stretch. Said Flip Saunders: "I thought we played pretty well for having five games in six nights, five different cities. We gave ourselves a chance. We just didn't have enough juice down the stretch."
Washington has now lost nine straight games for the first time since January 4-19, 2001.
Mr. Big Shot: From the AP game notes: "Chauncey Billups went 0-for-6 from 3-point range, ending a career-best streak of 36 games in which he had made at least one 3-pointer."
Shot selection: Pau Gasol and Andrew Bynum combined to shoot 21-for-28 shots. Mamba was 10-for-26 (2-for-6 on treys). No wonder Gasol isn't happy. But hey, what's Pau complaining about? Just because Kobe's eighth on the Lakers in Effective Field Goal Percentage -- behind even Jordan Farmar, Ron Artest, Sasha Vujacic and Shannon Brown -- doesn't mean he shouldn't continue taking the most difficult shots possible. And it's very mature of Kobe not to "blast Gasol into oblivion" for behing disgruntled. Just ask Adrian Wojnarowski.
Speaking of Mamba, here's a belated man love pic from the Lakers-Warriors game. Thanks to anonymous Basketbawful reader who sent it in.
and Golden State Warriors' Monta Ellis share a moment
in the final seconds of their NBA basketball game."
Kings fans: Where were they last night? Not at Arco, that's for sure. And it freaked Carl Landry out: "I almost thought we were playing in the Staples Center. I've never seen anything like that before. To see that many Lakers fans out there was kind of disappointing."
Lacktion report: I will forgive chris for not showing up to the Lakers-Kings game to help keep the L.A. fans at bay...but only because of his dutiful commitment to lacktion reporting.
Spurs-Heat: Matt Bonner may have had one field goal in 12:55, but two turnovers and five fouls led to a 7:2 Voskuhl! Malik Hairston combed himself a treasure of 2.1 trillion (2:07), and Ian Mahinmi tossed a brick in 2:03 for a +1 suck differential.
Meanwhile, for Miami, Jamaal Magloire bricked once and added a rejection, foul, and turnover to the line for a +4 in 3:50 that doubled as a 2:0 Voskuhl.
Hawks-Nyets: Jason Collins took a sip of a foul and a giveaway for a +2 in 4:29 that also earned a 2:0 Voskuhl.
Bulls-Grizzlies: Joe Alexander went turnip-tossing in just 6 seconds to give Chicago a SUPER MARIO!
Lakers-Kings: Adam Morrison checked into the ledger tonight with a rejection and two bricks in 2:33 that earned a +3.
