Worst of the Night: March 15, 2011

The Milwaukee Bucks: Another night, another 85 points, and another crippling-for-their-playoff-hopes loss for the Bucks. Last season at this time, opposing teams were Fearing the Deer. This season, the Deer are Fearing the Headlights.

After being held to 56 points by Boston on Sunday, Milwaukee was shut down and lit up in Atlanta. Joe Johnson dropped 36 -- including 28 in the first half -- on 13-for-19 from the field and 6-for-9 from downtown. Josh Smith shot 8-for-12, Al Horford went 7-for-12, Marvin Williams went 7-for-9, and Kirk Hinrich and Damien Wilkins both went 3-for-3. As a team, the Hawks shot 63 percent from the field and 11-for-19 from beyond the arc and finished with an Offensive Rating of 120.8.

Hey...I thought the Bucks were supposed to be good at that "defense" thing.

Said Milwaukee coach Scott Skiles: "It's just another one of those games where we didn't play very well."

That's one bummed-out-sounding coach.

Status check: In their last two games, the Bucks have scored a combined total of 141 points (70.5 PPG) and been outscored by 56 points (28 PPG). And at 26-40, they're...only 2.5 games out of eighth place in the East?! Jesus Christ.

Update! Andrew Bogut, quote machine: From Basketbawful reader Dan:

"I think we focused too much on scoring today and not enough on defense," said Milwaukee center Andrew Bogut.

I guess scoring 30 more points than against the Celtics is focusing on offense, but that's just sad.

The Washington Wizards Generals: How low are the expectations for the Generals? The Bulls beat them by 19 points despite being without both Carlos Boozer (sprained ankle) and Joakim Noah (flu-like symptoms!) and commenters in ESPN's Daily Dime Live chat were wondering why the Bulls weren't up by 30 at the half.

What's more: The Bulls held Washington to 79 point on 43 percent shooting and scored 22 points off 16 forced turnovers. The Generals managed only 33 points over the final 24 minutes. And yet Chicago coach Tom Thibodeau expressed near-disgust with his team's defensive performance.

Kurt Thomas nailed a buzzer-beating three at the end of the first half. It was Big Sexy's first three-pointer since April 10, 2005.

Oh, and did I mention that Keith Bogans drilled five triples and dropped a season-high 17 points?

You know you suck when...

In all fairness to the Generals, they were missing Rashard Lewis (knee), Cartier Martin (knee), Josh Howard (knee), Andray Blatche (shoulder) and Nick Young (more flu-like symptoms!). So, yeah, they were undermanned. Or whatever.

Said Washngton coach Flip Saunders: "We started three rookies. We had a lot of opportunities to fold, especially the games we've played the last week or so. I thought our guys played hard. We just ran out of gas."

Nope, nosiree, no folding here. In probably unrelated news, the Generals are now 1-30 on the road this season. According to the AP game notes, only one team has gone 1-40 on the road since the NBA went to an 82-game schedule in 1967-68: The 1990-91 Sacramento Kings. C'mon. You knew I was going to work in a Kings reference, right?

JaVale McGee and the Quest for the Triple-Double Last night, McGee threw a block party in the United Center. He stuffed 12 shots...the most swats by an NBA player since Keon Clark registered 12 rejections back on March 23, 2001. It was also the most shots any player has had against the Bulls in a regulation game.

McGee ended up one block shy of the franchise record for blocks in a game set by Manute Bol, who returned 15 packages to sender for the then-Bullets on February 26, 1987.

Said McGee: "I had three [blocks] the first quarter and I was trying to match that in the second quarter and I had seven, so I was like I'm going to try and get 14. It was working for me tonight. I was blocking so good in the first half people were starting to hesitate and were more afraid to go up and it was easier to block shots."

Note JaVale never once said anything about his team in that quote.

Anyway, with the game way out of hand in the fourth quarter, the final few minutes were consumed by a) the United Center crowd's desire for free Big Macs and b) McGee's mad quest for the final point he needed for a triple-double. And JaVale got it on a dunk with 18 seconds left...then celebrated by hanging on the rim and screaming.

Said McGee: "That was the hardest one point I ever tried to make in my life. It was crazy, but I got it. It was a dunk of relief."

Note again that he didn't say anything about his team in that quote. In possibly related news, the Generals were down 18 at the time. And McGee earned a tech for his masturbatory celebration, and Kyle Korver knocked down the freebie, so McGee's dunk ended up being a net gain of only one point for his team. Kept 'em from losing by 20, though.

Here's video of McGee's sad end-of-game quest. I've seen WoW addict less desperate to lose their virginity.


Bad as that was, it was only the second-most pathetic attempt at a triple-double in Washington franchise history:


Looks like I need to update my old Worst Evers: Triple-Doubles post.

The New York Knicks: Okay. This one hurt:


But forget Danny Granger's heroics. What really killed the Knicks was letting Tyler Hansbrough score a career-high 30 points. Mind you, Psycho T's previous career-high of 29 points was established in New York last Sunday.

Reality check: Hansbrough averaged 10.5 PPG on 46.2 percent shooting. In back-to-back games against the Knicks and Mike _'Antoni's _efense, he scored 59 points on 65 percent shooting (24-for-37).

Said 'Melo: "We all know what he was capable of doing. I don't think we made adjustments to him at the top of the key. Especially after the game he had in the Garden, I would think we would make some adjustments after that. He's played great these last two games."

Added Shawne Williams: "It feels bad. We know we got to get it going, some kind of way. I feel like we all got to take a good look in the mirror and redefine ourselves. We got to take more pride in defense."

In possibly related news, the Pacers scored 119 points on 52 percent shooting.

By the way, the Knicks are 5-6 in their last 11 games, including two losses to the Cadavers (12-53) and back-to-back losses to the Pacers (29-38). It's true what people have been saying: The Knicks are back! The bad Knicks.

Amar''''''e Stoudemire, poster boy: Apparently, STAT things his offense is his interior defense.


The Dallas Mavericks: Last Wednesday, the Mavs choked away a seven-point lead in the final 1:13 of a 93-92 loss to the New Orleans Hornets, after which Dallas coach Rick Carlisle called his team "soft." Jason Terry was pissed. Caron Butler, who's not even playing at the moment, added, "I think this team is far from soft."

One week later, and the Mavericks (after thumping the increasingly defenseless Knicks) have lost back-to-back gut check games against the Lakers and Frail Blazers. And last night's loss in Portland was a particularly bitter pill to swallow, considering Dallas shot 59.7 percent from the field and got a Beast Mode game out of Dirk Nowitzki (28 points, 9-for-14 from the field, 9-for-9 from the line, 11 rebounds, and, of course, 0-for-1 on a potential game-winner).

Dallas gave up 15 offensive boards and got outscored 48-36 in the paint. But remember what Butler and Terry said: They ain't soft.

However, the Mavs have now lost four of six after winning 18 of 19, and the Lakers have leapfrogged them for second place in the West.

Chris's Invincible Lacktion Ledger:

Bucks-Hawks: Josh Powell chained himself to the ledger tonight despite a board in 6:06 by losing the rock twice for a 2:1 Voskuhl, while Zaza Pachulia put two assists aside in 11:49 with three fouls and a turnover for a 4:0 Voskuhl.

Generals-Bulls: Mustafa Shakur bricked twice (once from the Sears Tower) in 2:20 for a +2, a suck differential matched by THE Brian Scalabrine in 4:12 from Congress Street! Also recording lacktive marks for the heifers were Omer Asik, who negated a free throw and board in 9:36 with two fouls and a turnover for a 3:2 Voskuhl, and new Chicagoan Rasual Butler, powering up a Virtual Boy in 57 seconds for a Mario.

Mavs-Frail Blazers: Dallas's Brian Cardinal produced one piece of masonry for a +1 in 4:48.

Worst of the Night: January 20, 2011

Yikes. I think Doug's still pissed about those four-point plays...
Mavericks-Bulls: Allow me, if you will, to quote myself. From By The Horns:

It was a real defensive battle out there, folks. The kind where it looked like both teams were wading through invisible mud. Chicago hit only 36.9 percent of their shots. Dallas converted on 35.6 of theirs.

The Bulls scored 12 points in the third quarter. That represented the team’s season-low for a single quarter.

The Mavs finished with 77 points. That was their third-lowest output of the season. On December 28, minus leading scorer Dirk Nowitzki, they scored 76 points against the Raptors. On January 15, in Dirk’s first game back, they managed only 70 points against the Grizzlies in Memphis.

The teams combined for two fast break points. Chicago had none.

Nowitzki — who is a legitimate MVP candidate — went 6-for-16 from the field, missed both of his three-point attempts, and pulled down only two rebounds in 38 minutes. In case you forgot, the dude is seven feet tall and has averaged 8.4 RPG over his 13-year NBA career.

Derrick Rose had a stellar stat line: Game highs in points (26) and assists (9) to go with 7 rebounds and 2 blocked shots. Of course, he went 9-for-28 from the field, including 5-for-20 in the second half, and committed a game-high 4 turnovers.

Rose was the only Bulls player to score in double figures.

Now allow me to supplement myself. According to Hoopdata, Dallas was 5-for-12 at the rim (41.7 percent), 2-for-7 inside 10 feet (28.6 percent), 6-for-14 from 10-15 feet (42.9 percent) and 6-for-18 from 16-23 feet (33.4 percent).

Chicago was 7-for-21 at the rim (33.4 percent), including 1-for-6 by Derrick Rose and 1-for-5 by Omer Asik. The Bulls also went 4-for-10 inside 10 feet (40 percent) and 10-for-32 from 16-23 feet (31.3 percent).

My point? I'm surprised people in the United Center didn't have this reaction:


The Dallas Mavericks: The Mavs get their own entry for the way they delivered some bad news to poor Alexis Ajinca. Apparently, Dallas is working on a trade that would send Ajinca to the Raptors to create a roster spot for Peja Stojakovic without having to cut Sasha Pavlovic, whom they just signed. Ajinca was dressed and warming up at the United Center last night when Mavericks coach Rick Carlisle had to tell him to turn in his uniform and head back to the hotel.

Even to a guy like me, that's cold.

The Philadelphia 76ers: Man. Check out their last six games:

112-109 OT road loss to the Pistons
111-103 home loss to the Pacers
95-94 home win over the Bucks
96-92 OT home win over the Bobcraps
99-98 OT road loss to the Magic
100-97 road loss to the Bobcraps

Losses that were almost wins. Wins that were almost losses. But their 2-4 stretch typifies their 17-25 record and their average point differential of -0.6. On the one hand, they're losing a lot of close games. On the other hand, they're losing a lot of close games.

And it's the little, mental lapses that keep haunting the Sixers. In their previous loss, an overtime defeat in Orlando, they gave up two big four-point plays, one in regualtion and one in the OT session. Last night, they lost (in part) because they couldn't adjust to a single play.

From the AP recap:

The Bobcats' owner had to love what he saw from [Gerald] Henderson down the stretch.

Henderson, a bit player under former coach Larry Brown, has become part of the rotation though he is hardly known for his shooting. But he hit three consecutive jumpers on the same curl play from the right wing in the final 1:40. The last came with 26 seconds left to put Charlotte ahead 96-93.

"It was the same exact play all three times," said Henderson, who scored 11 points. "We call it 3-down and everybody in the NBA runs it. But it works because if you get two screens it's hard to defend. I came off ready to shoot, D.J. made a good pass every time and I just knocked the shots down."

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times...

Andre Iguodala: I don't mean to pick nits or anything, especially when the guy led his team with 19 points on 7-for-11 shooting to go along with 5 boards, 5 assists and 4 steals. But Iggy bricked a free throw that would have tied the game with 40 seconds left. Then, with 11 ticks on the clock, he shanked a jumper that would have brougth Philly to within a point.

And when you consider the fact that Andre gave up the four-point play in the fourth quarter of that loss to the Magic, well, it seems like he's kind of the Anti-Clutch...

...with all due disrespect to Vince Carter.

Doug Collins, coach of the year candidate: "It's always disappointing when you lose. I texted Michael [Jordan] the other night after they had beaten Chicago and congratulated him. He said 'Yeah, we can't beat you though.' So I'm sure Michael reached out to the guys for them to beat his old coach today. He probably gave them a little pep talk."

Ah, that Doug. He's the kind of friend you'd write a song about. I love how he loves to name drop MJ. I also love that his text might have moved Jordan to fire up his team.

The Los Angeles Clippers: Jordan Heimer of the TrueHoop Network wrote the lead story for today's Daily Dime. No, I'm not bitter he relegated my Derrick Rose piece to the second spot by writing about the Clippers' playoff chances (currently zero-ish percent). Not at all. Hey, the Clippers are 10 games below .500 and coached by Vinny Del Negro. They're obviously a bigger story than Derrick Rose and his burgeoning MVP candidacy.

I keed.

Actually, the Clippers are a big story. I know 16-26 doesn't sound all that impressive. But subtract the 1-13 start and you have a team that's...15-13. Which, again, doesn't sound all that impressive until you realize we're talking about the Los Angeles Clippers. And let's not forget the two most exciting words in the English language: Blake Griffin.

Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because people have been getting so excited about The Other L.A. Team's recent hot streak -- 11 wins in 15 games -- that people have begun talking about...the playoffs. And you know what that means:


The stat curse was in. I mean putting the words "Clippers" and "playoffs" in the same sentence...it just can't end well. Sure enough, the Clips submitted one of their patented "They are who we thought they were" performances, choking away an early 14-point lead and ultimately losing by 15. The Other L.A. Team shot missed 17 three-pointers, shot 43 percent for the game, and gave up 20 poitns off 16 turnovers. Meanwhile, the Brandon Roy-less Frail Blazers hit 56 percent of their shots. Although, about that Bradon Roy-less part...

Brandon Roy: Did you know Portland is 14-7 without Roy this season? Which means they were 10-13 with him. Huh.

Vinny Del Negro, super-exciting quote machine: "I thought the Blazers executed much better than we did, in the second half especially. Our defense was not good enough or tough enough."

Chris's amazing one-line lacktion ledger: Jason Kapono punched out 26 seconds of time for a Mario, while Eduardo Najera gathered up a 2.05 trillion (2:03) for His Airness.

Worst of the Night: January 6, 2011

Memo to the Nuggets: George Karl didn't fight off cancer for this bullshit.
The Dallas Mavericks: Boy, these cats sure miss Dirk Nowtizki, don't they? The Mavericks started the game on fire, hitting eight of their first 10 shots and scoring 30 points in the first quarter. Their offense kinda slogged off after that, especially during their 15-point third quarter. Add that to the fact that they couldn't contain Kevin Durant (28 points on 11-for-22 shooting).

Said Mavs coach Rick Carlisle: "We struggled defensively in the second half, we struggled on the boards, and [the Thunder's] second-chance points were our undoing down the stretch."

That's four losses in Dirk's six missed games. Next up: The Orlando Magic.

More bad news: The Mavs are 35 games into their season but have played only 14 road games. This means their schedule is backloaded with road games, which could put a pretty big damper on any hopes of beating out the Spurs or Lakers in the race for homecourt advantage in the playoffs.

The Denver Nuggets: The Purple Paupers enter last night's game with a league-worst record of 7-25. What's more, they were the only team in the Association that was winless against winning teams.

Well, now they have a victory over a winning team and the Cavaliers (8-27) are stuck with the NBA's worst record. All thanks to the Enver Nuggets.

How soft were the Nuggets on defense last night? Let me put it this way: If I'm ever forced to jump out of a helicoptor while firing my machine gun at an oncoming horde of the undead during the inevitable zombie apocalypse, I hope I land on Enver's D. Either that or Pau Gasol. Okay, or maybe Scarlett Johansson.

Anyway, let's get you the numbers. The Kings finished with 122 points on 56 percent shooting. Furthermore, they shot 50 percente from downtown (9-for-18) and 83 percent on the foul line (25-for-30). According to the Basketball-Reference box score, their Effective Field Goal Percentage was 62.2 and they had an Offensive Rating of 126.8.

More numbers: The Kings had 27 fast break points and scored 27 points off 23 forced turnovers. Tyreke Evans went berzerk (29 points and a season-high 12 assists) and the Sactowners went on a 23-2 run in the second half on their way to a 20-point win that probably had Carmelo Anthony doing a Google search for houses in New York after the game.

Remember: In their last game, the Nuggets suffered a double-digit loss to the Clippers.

Said 'Melo: "We're just frustrated right now. I know I am after these two losses against two teams that we should have beat. Tonight was an embarrassing loss; that's all I have to say about it."

Added Denver coach George Karl: "I'm kind of blown away with our performance. My team, since I've been in Denver, has often bounced back from tough losses. But tonight we did not do it. Sometimes we need to think about playing harder. When you have 12 assists, 23 turnovers, no steals, that tells you you are not active enough."

How bad was this loss? Here's how bad: Jeffrey Morton of Denver Stiffs sounds like he needs to be talked out of drinking paint thinner:

I've never been so disappointed with this Nuggets team. I'm done with the hyperbole and the words. You all saw what happened. There's no reason for losing like this, and the lack of explanation is what hurts the most. The Nuggets looked lifeless for three quarters. For nearly one quarter they played on fire. The only thing I can think of is maybe the Carmelo situation is getting to them? Maybe not. Honestly I don't care anymore.

Melo didn't play badly. Nene was one of the few bright spots...but the rest of the team played like they wanted to be anywhere but Sacramento this evening. That's not what a professional sports team does.

It's not about having "hope". It's knowing what your team is. It's knowing what your team can accomplish. That's what makes this even more disheartening. My only hope is that the Nuggets can right this ship before it takes we as Nuggets fans down with it.

Damn. Imagine how bummed out he's going to be when 'Melo leaves.

At any rate, the Nuggets officially qualifty for a little Michael Ray Richardson quotage:

Reporter: What do you think is happening to the team?

Richardson: The ship be sinking.

Reporter: How far can it sink?

Richardson: Sky's the limit.

The Cleveland Cavaliers: As noted, now the league's worst team.

Donald Sterling: Newsflash: Sterling is a shitty owner and a racist. This news just blew my socks off. Seriously. No matter what MythBusters tells you.

Amar''''''e Stoudemire, quote machine: Not that Suns fans need any more reasons to be depressed, but, well, here you go:

Stoudemire's wish was to stay in Phoenix but left over a chasm in guaranteed money. He took a maximum-level, five-year $99.7 million contract that is fully guaranteed over the Suns' five-year, $96.6 million offer with about $56 million guaranteed. The remainder of the Suns' deal would have kicked in if he played a comparably low minute total in his third and fourth years.

The stipulation addressed the Suns' concerns about Stoudemire's knees and right eye, all of which have had surgeries.

"If they were looking to rebuild and thought I was the guy they wanted to rebuild with, then we could've came to an understanding," Stoudemire said. "But apparently it wasn't that way. It felt like I wasn't wanted. It felt like I wasn't appreciated. I felt like my play on the court was overlooked.

"If you have the best training staff and brag about the situation, my knees really weren't much of a concern. It was something that didn't make him (Managing Partner Robert Sarver) comfortable and he made a decision. I don't want to get involved in an amount-of-minutes situation because it becomes a control issue. You want to be able to play free."

Suns coach Alvin Gentry said Stoudemire was concerned that the Suns were going to remain mostly Steve Nash's team. Home fans chanted "M-V-P" for both players.

"I think he felt like he would like to have a team that was his, that he was the focal point, that it would be basically his team," Gentry said.

Nash said he "foolishly" thought the Suns would re-sign Stoudemire, 28.

"We lost an All-Star power forward and we didn't replace him," Nash said. "We have no real kind of power forward."

Stoudemire said it is hard for him to see Suns fans endure their worst team in seven years.

"We were in the conference finals and had a chance to do something special this season but all of a sudden it went in the opposite direction," Stoudemire said. "It's tough to see because the fans deserve more. They've been loyal. We've been on top so long that they deserve a championship team. But decisions were made and they're going in another direction.

"Last year, the Knicks wanted to be in the Suns' shoes. This year, we're, we're...yeah."

He received little fan disdain for his exit, which could bode well for his reception Friday.

"I don't know how I'll be received," he said. "(Suns analyst) Tom Chambers and Gambo and Ash (KTAR-AM hosts John Gambadoro and Mark Asher) did a great job of talking bad about me while I was there so hopefully that blows over and the fans will appreciate me a little bit more."

Bonus video: Basketbawful reader kazam92 left this link with the comment "Charles Barkley is the fuckin man." Indeed he is.


Chris's One-Line Lacktion Ledger: In exactly 120 seconds, Donte Greene tossed one celebratory brick for a +1 suck differential.

Bawful After Dark: December 30, 2010

That silly Dwyane Wade... Always on the cutting edge of fashion with his crazy accessories!
If you haven't already done so, go read Bawful's stuff over at TrueHoop from today.

Quick complaint: Tomorrow is the annual rivalry grudge match between the University of Louisville and University of Kentucky basketball teams. So of course it's at noon on a weekday when I'll be at work since New Year's Eve is only a kinda sorta holiday. Great planning there, guys.

Here's an interesting NY Times piece on the "Mark Price Shooting Lab." The money quote from the article:

“I can’t think of a single guy who hasn’t improved working with us,” Kreutzer said.

Betterment cannot always be measured statistically. The season after Rondo’s graduation, his 3-point shooting declined 10 percentage points and his free-throw percentage by 2 points. His 2-point number rose by almost 2 percentage points.

This year, Rajon’s field-goal figures are improved. But his free-throw shooting has plunged to 43 percent, suggesting he may need a checkup.

So you can't measure how much better someone's shooting is by their shooting percentage? I think we need to reconsider the defintion of "better" shooting.

The best part about Tyreke the Freak's half-court buzzer beater? Check out Donte Green's reaction. He KNEW that shot was going in. What does this mean? We finally have proof that Donte Green is the real-life version of Biff Tannen. I wonder how much he wants for his copy of Gray's Sports Almanac...

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

"Don't let that beard touch me, man! It's like 180 grit sandpaper!"

"God, this is worse than watching an episode of That 80s Show"

The sadness, it is overwhelming!

Nationally Televised Games:
Knicks at Magic, TNT, 7pm: I don't know about you, but after yesterday's video, I plan on watching Stan Van Gundy's face whenever Hedo shoots a jumper. Guaranteed entertainment!

Spurs at Mavericks, 9:30pm: Dallas is one of the few teams who have cracked the code to beating the Spurs this year. Unfortunately for them, Dirk is still banged up and will not play tonight. As far as MVP talks go, doesn't Dirk need to be pretty high on that list? The Mavericks look just godawful without him most of the time.

All The Other Games:
Jazz at Frail Blazers, 10pm: File this one under "things that make no sense and threaten to destroy my brain (or at least the parts of it I still use)" -- the Utah Jazz are 6-2 on the second night of back-to-backs this season. And you could make that number 7-2 if they win tonight. DOES NOT COMPUTE. This goes against everything we've ever been taught as basketball fans.

2010-11 NBA Season Preview: Southwest Division

I wonder if Dirk would be smiling so widely if he realizedthat he looks like the cover model for WNBA Live 2011.
The Dallas Mavericks

Last season, the Mavs won 55 games, which was the second-best mark in the Bestern Conference and fourth-best in the league (behind the Cavaliers, Lakers and Magic). Then they lost in the first round of the playoffs for the third time in the last four years. Sure, it was a six-game defeat by San Antonio, but the Spurs were swept clean in the second round. So I'm not sure that speaks very highly of how good the 2009-10 Mavs actually were.

And check it: Despite being a top team in terms of wins and losses, the Mavericks ranked only 8th in Point Differential, 10th in Offensive Efficiency and 12 in Defensive Efficiency. I say "only" because those are decent rankings. But "decent" and "championship-caliber" are two very different things.

And these Mavs are not contenders. I mean, what's changed?

Mark Cuban re-signed Dirk Nowitzki (four years, $80 million) and Brendan Haywood (six years, $55 million), and he traded Erick Dampier's expiring contract (plus Eduardo Najera and Matt Carroll) for Tyson Chandler's expiring deal (and Alexis Ajinca). Lesser (read that, meaningless) deals included drafting Dominque Jones and signing Ian Mahinmi to a one-year contract.

Other than that, all the Mavericks did was get older. The age of the team's top six players ranges between 30 (Caron Butler) to 37 (Jason Kidd). Dirk Nowitzki is still churning out points at a fairly efficient rate, but the rest of the crew seems to be in slow decline.

Why should we expect this squad to get any better?

Okay, there is a wee smidge of hope. Between Butler, Chandler and DeShawn Stevenson, Cuban has $27 million in expiring contracts. And you know what that means: Mid-season trade! Dallas could almost certainly pick up one or two key players with that kind of money. But unless it's a high-caliber All-Star or Superstar-level player -- which seems doubtful -- I don't see the Mavs leaping from also-ran to major player.

This team has finished with at least 50 wins for 10 straight years, and they'll either reach that mark or come close again this year. But another first round exit -- or, if they get a favorable matchup in round one, an elimination in the conference semis -- is about as optimistic an appraisal as I can muster for these guys.

Which means more Mark Cuban facepalms!

This never gets old. Never.
The Houston Rockets

During the 2009-10 campaign, the Rockets were the little engine that almost could. Despite losing Yao Ming to injury and Tracy McGrady to fail, Houston managed to win 42 games with a bunch of gritty role players giving their best. It was a true underdog story. [Insert uplifting music here -- maybe Queen's "We Are The Champions" -- and feel free to shed a single, dramatic tear.]

Unfortunately for the Rockets, they weren't in a movie. So instead of the happy ending where a group of scrappy misfits bust the odds to defeat a group of vastly superior athletes, the team got an early vacation.


So how did the Rockets improve over the summer? They locked up Luis Scola for five years (overpaying him with a $47 million contract), drafted Scola's backup (Patrick Patterson), overpaid ($24 million!) for backup point guard Kyle Lowry, overspent on Brad Miller ($15 million!) for Yao insurance, and traded Trevor Ariza for Courtney Lee.

Other than the Ariza trade, those moves don't look all that great on paper do they? Or a computer screen. Or an Etch-A-Sketch. But I keep hearing about what a crazy-mad genius Daryl Morey, so I'm sure these were championship moves. Now please wait a moment while I mop up all this dripping sarcasm.

Still, if Yao can stay healthy for once, the Rockets have two legit inside threats (Ming and Scola), a great young point guard (Aaron Brooks), a crack perimeter player (Kevin Martin), and a group of solid role players/shooters (Lee, Shane Battier, Chase Buddinger, etc.). The Rockets have talent. They definitely have talent.

What they also have is a franchise player who's body is made of broken glass covered in soggy marshmallow and tissue paper. Meanwhile, their second best player (Martin) is more of a crispy papier-mâché, having missed 88 games over the past three seasons. Oh, and two speedsters (Brooks and Lowry) surrounded by a bunch of guys who have the quickness of a thick paste (Battier, Ming, Miller, Scola, Chuck Hayes, Pat Patterson). It's kind of hard to fast break when most of your team takes 10 seconds or more to cross halfcourt.

Doesn't another Yao injury, 40-45 wins and a brave but ultimately futile playoff chase sound about right? Yeah, it sounds right to me, too.

The Memphis Grizzlies

The general consensus among NBA fans is that the Grizzlies had what was, for them, a wildly successful season last year.

Reality check: That success equated to a 17th place finish in Offensive Efficiency, a 24th place finish in Defensive Efficiency, 40 wins, and yet another year of watching the playoffs from the lavish comfort of their own homes while covered in Victoria's Secret models and hundred dollar bills. Or maybe fifty dollar bills.


When the 2009-10 season was about to open, some Basketbawful readers suggested an "Assist Watch" for the Grizzlies, who opened the year with Allen Iverson, O.J. Mayo, Rudy Gay and Zach Randolph on the roster...notorious ball stoppers one and all. Sure, Memphis sent Iverson packing when he started ranting about minutes -- which happened after the first game, mind you -- but that still left the Griz with a "Big Three" who live by the motto "I will go down shooting. And then shoot from my grave."

The result: According to ESPN's John Hollinger, the Grizzlies had the lowest percentage of assisted field goals last season. And according to Basketball-Reference.com, Memphis finished with only three more total assists than the 12-win New Jersey Nets.

Shock. Awe. More shock.

For all their "success," the Care Bares were a shot-happy, defenseless bunch who probably would have won only 30-35 games if they hadn't led the league in offensive rebound percentage (KBAs, baby!).

Don't worry. It gets worse.

During the offseason, owner Michael Heisley made a series of mystifying moves, like way overpaying ($81.6 million!) for Rudy gay, letting Ronnie Brewer walk (after having acquired him from Utah for a first round pick), immediately insulting two smart draft picks (Xavier Henry and Greivis Vasquez) by offering them 20 percent less than the maximum specified by the Collective Bargaining Agreement, and then selling the 25th overall pick in the 2010 draft to the Dallas Mavericks.

Oh, and he signed Acie "One and a half feet in the NBA grave" Law.

The Grizzlies have a beastly frontcourt in Randolph and Marc "Why am I still so underrated anyway?" Gasol, a couple streaky perimeter players in Gay and Mayo, and...Mike Conley at point guard. Ugh.

Adding Henry, Vasques and Tony Allen will improve the team's depth, but I wouldn't trust this bunch any more than I would trust Eddy Curry to guard my ham sandwich. This team won't make the playoffs. Heck, they probably won't win 40 games again. Maybe ever.

But at least they have Allen marinating in the locker room.

The New Orleans Hornets

Chris Paul is begging, crying, and even screaming for some help. And if the Hornets don't give it to him, he's probably going to leave.

Seriously.

Well, no worries, Chris: Help is on the way!

Here you go: Trevor Ariza, Marco Belinelli, Craig Brackins, Quincy Pondexter, Mustafa Shakur, Jason Smith, Jerryd Bayless! And Aaron Gray!!

Oh dear God. CP3 is so gone.

I mean, the starting five -- Paul, Ariza, David West, Emeka Okafor and Marcus Thornton -- is solid (if not spectacular) enough. But there's no depth. None. The New Orleans bench is like one of those old NBA Live games where the reserves were just a bunch of faceless guys who cheered and clapped in an endless loop. Even if everybody stays healthy and Chris Paul plays like a miniature Godzilla pumped up on Super Soldier serum, this team's ceiling is, what, 40-45 games? Unless coach Monty Williams turns off fatigue so the starters can play 48 minutes a night...oh wait, this isn't NBA Live.

The only winner here is going to be the Knicks when they trade for Paul at the deadline. Just kidding. But not really.

The San Antonio Spurs

Look, can we just agree that the window has closed?

Yeah, yeah. I know, I know. A lot of Spurs backers are pointing at the Tiago Splitter signing and using that as proof that there's still a glimmer of hope. Maybe even more than a glimmer.

I said it before and I'll say it again:


Look, I'm not trying to get lazy with my analysis here. But the Spurs aren't contenders for one key reason: Tim Duncan is in decline. It's hard to tell. I mean, he's played at least 75 games in each of the last five seasons (including 78 last year). His PER has been standing pat at 24+ for the past four seasons, including a fifth-place mark of 24.7 last year (which is only three-tenths of a point off his career PER of 25.0). And he's still in the top 10 in categories like Rebound Percentage, Defensive Rating and Win Shares.

See, that's how freaking amazing Tim Duncan is: Even in decline, he's awesome.

But he's not what he was. He's not. If you have an HD television, you can practically watch his knees creak. And even though he's still amazingly efficient and as smart as ever, he doesn't dominate the way he used to. He doesn't own games like in the old days. And when he has bad nights -- often against the better teams -- they're stinkers. Take his 5-point, 1-for-10 performance in a 110-84 loss in Orlando. Or his 6-point, 2-for-11 outing in a 92-83 home loss to the Lakers. Or even his 4-for-23 brickfest at Indiana.

Everybody has bad nights. And Duncan still has more good nights than bad ones. For instance, he had a 27-rebound game in a win over the Hawks and grabbed another 26 rebounds in that Indy game. But you can't automatically pencil TD in for total domination anymore. Which is a problem, because he's the foundation of San Antonio's offense and defense.

The Celtics can get away with Kevin Garnett's semi-gimpy knees because he anchors their defense but is only a happy addition on offense. Duncan is responsible for everything. Sure, Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili (assuming their health holds out) take pressure off on the offensive end. But the O begins with Duncan and the D ends with him.

Unfortunately, Duncan is 34 years old and his NBA odometer reads 977 regular season games and 35,577 game played, plus another 170 playoff games and 6,740 minutes played. Timmy has spent the last decade-plus carrying the Spurs on his back -- and make no mistake, Duncan (not Kobe, LeBron, or Shaq) was the best player of the 2000s -- and I just don't think he has it in him to keep doing it and win a championship.

Worst of the Playoff Night: April 21, 2010

Stephen Jackson has resorted to using props to sell fouls.Is this move Vlade Divac-approved?
Thanks to Basketbawful reader Brian for today's top pic.

The Charlotte Bobcats: The Bobcats just love giving things away! Their 21 turnovers were key in this loss -- yes, I'm looking at you, Stephen Jackson -- as was Orlando's 35-18 advantage in free throw attempts.

It was a weird game in that the Magic didn't play all that well, the 'Cats just played worse. Gerald Wallace fought his way to the line for 10 foul shots, but he went only 3-for-7 from the field. Boris Diaw finished with 5 points and 5 turnovers. Theo Ratliff, the team's SINO at center, finished with zero points (0-for-3) and a rebound in 13 minutes. Ray Felton had a single-single (4 points, 4 assists) while shooting 2-for-6. And then there was Captain Jack, who scored a game-high 27 points but had 12 combined turnovers (7) and fouls (5).

Not exactly the production Larry Brown wanted from his starting lineup.

Actually, what Brown wanted was a few more whistles going his team's way. Said Larry: "We had three players that played tonight that got to the foul line, and one of them took one shot, one free throw. Can't play that way. Maybe we've got to get more respect, I don't know."

Looking all pissy probably won't earn your team any free throws,but don't let that turn your frown upside down, Larry.
Brown wasn't the only Bobcat representative who was upset with the officiating. Frankly, a lot of the Charlotte players were getting frustrated, none moreso than Jackson, who missed a layup near the end of the game and decided to stay behind to bitch at the ref instead of participating in his team's transition defense. The result: A three-point play for Jameer Nelson that pretty much sealed Orlando's win.

But S-Jax felt justified: "I knew my headband didn't get knocked off by itself."

That's one horrific unibrow, Stephen.
Now the Bobcats -- who have been whispered about as a possible dark horse for the last couple months -- are down 0-2, which means history is against them. According to ESPN Stats and Information: "In NBA playoffs history, teams with a 2-0 lead in a best-of-7 series are 209-14 (93.7 percent)."

Stat curse? We'll see.

Freaky puppets: Nightmare fuel. Or maybe it's just me.

Puppets have always freaked me out. This isn't helping.
The Dallas Mavericks: If Mark Cuban hated the Spurs before, how do you s'pose he feels this morning? Is he sitting in his secret volcano lair trying to figure out how to put Tim Duncan in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death?

I'd like to think so.

So what does this game tell us? That the Spurs are still dangerous, or that the Mavs aren't as dangerous as we thought?

It's hard to say.

In the NBA playoffs, it's tempting to overreact to a single game. When a team gets blown out or loses home court advantage, people start shoveling dirt on their grave. I'm sure a lot of folks will feel like Dallas has lost control of this series after their Game 2 crapfest...and maybe they have. But we should probably wait and see if they can steal one back in San Antonio before we start writing the obituary.

Speaking of obits, I wrote one for the Spurs back in, like, December. Yet here they are, still alive and kicking playoff ass. The Mavericks choked like it was 2006 all over again. (Or 2007. Or whenever.) Dallas shot 36 percent as a team, and there were plenty of culprits: Ericka Dampier (0-for-1), Jason Kidd (1-for-7), Shawn Marion (2-for-7), Caron Butler (6-for-17) and Dirk Nowitzki (9-for-24). Even their one hot player -- Jason Terry -- was only 9-for-19.

You can kind of forgive guys like Kidd (who never was a great shooter) and Marion (who can't create his own shots), but what was up with Dirk? The dude looked like a seven-foot wet noodle. There were some shots where I thought he was having a seizure. It was like he was trying to use body English to guide the ball in. Heck, he couldn't even shoot over Manu Ginobili. Gak.

Of course, the Mavs came back from 20 down in the third quarter and then from 13 down in the fourth, but even when their offense clicked for a stretch here or there, they couldn't ge stops. It was classic Spurs basketball: Guys moving, sharing the ball, making the extra pass. And of course, a steady diet of Tim Duncan (25 points, 11-for-19, 17 rebounds). Turns out TD has something left in the tank after all.

Na na na na na na na nana na na na na nana! Gettin' jiggy wit it!
The Spurs also got a pretty strong game out of Richard Jefferson (19 points, 7-for-12, 7 rebounds). Jefferson was actually 7-for-9 by halftime, and I'm pretty sure Rick Carlisle didn't game plan for an out-of-nowhere offensive explosion from Richard Jefferson. Why would he?

The Mavericks also gave up 16 offensive rebounds, which was crippling considering the Spurs shto nearly 50 percent. Let's face it, Dallas got outworked, outsmarted and outplayed by the kind of Spurs team people predicted San Antonio would be going into the season.

Let's see if they can keep it up.

Gregg Popovich, quote machine: Regarding Cuban's "I hate the Spurs claims, Pop said: "It's an exaggeration. If he hates us so much, he wouldn't have that good barbecue in the locker room after the game."

Of course, this was after he bitched about Dirk's many trips to the line in Game 1: "He can sell it better than anybody in the league," Popovich said before the game. "Some guys are really good at it and some guys just can't do it. It's not coached or anything like that. Of course, Dirk was with Nellie [coach Don Nelson]."

In related news, Nowitzki earned only 6 free throws in Game 2, down from 12 in Game 1. But I'm sure, as always, it's all just one big crazy random happenstance.

Oh, and Popovich also said his team played "like dogs" in Game 1. Dan B. forwarde me this great tweeted response to that comment: "Gregg Popovich believes the Spurs played like dogs in their Game 1 loss to the Mavs. Hardly - dogs can hold on to a ball."

LeBron James, quote machine: Regarding his almost-one-man show against the Bulls the other night: "I feel like my presence on the court as an individual automatically gets my teammates involved."

Charles Gaines Vs Du Feng: This video has already been making the rounds, so I almost didn't post it. But with all the Street Figher II and Mortal Kombat discusions/references we make here at Basketbawful, I felt like I was doing our readers a disservice. By the way, go here for a great picture of Du Feng -- who pretended to faint after Gaines bitch-slapped him -- getting carried out like a dead body being carted away from a crime scene.


Lacktion report: chris's irrational love of non-actioneers continues in today's lactivity update:

Bobcats-Magic: Theo Ratliff had a board and a steal in 12:34 as Charlotte's starting center...only to brick thricely, lose the rock once, and foul three times for a 4:1 Voskuhl!

Despite a 100% shooting percentage (on one shot attempt), Derrick Brown donned a fireflower in 53 seconds for a Mario.

Spurs-Mavs: Roger Mason was jarred by a forgettable 5:43 for Gregg Popovich - a foul and a brick from the Statler Hilton led to a +2 suck differential. Garrett Temple had 55 seconds to consult Dr. Mario for help in solving a Virtual Boy-induced headache.

Bawful After Dark: April 21, 2010

I thought Dwyane Wade was supposed to be a snazzy dresser?(stephanie g brings us an explanation: "Detective Wade is on the case, starring in a '40s style film noir. Can he find his missing team mates, fend off the Boston mob all the while not succumbing to the mysterious femme fatale? They could call it...actually, The Miami Heat would work surprisingly well.")
Very short on time today. Apologies for the briefness of this post. But at least I have a valid excuse. There is, however, no excuse for this jersey foul.

The past 24 hours have been great for NBA people swearing on live national television. Behold:

Insightful analysis from the TNT crew
You're new to this, aren't you, Lawrence Frank?

(The best part of Frank's foul language escapades this morning? It gives us an excuse to have the Charles Barkley clip in two consecutive posts. It gets funnier each time I watch it, so this has to be a good thing.)

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

D-Wade and Q-Rich recreate the scene where Ty Webb puts his arm around Judge Smails near the end of Caddyshack

Does Al Horford have a second job as a pimp? It looks like he's used to keeping bitches in line

Man, Mike Woodson looks pissed

I understand your pain, Scott

Alvin Gentry's response when we asked him if he wanted to watch last night's Heat/Celtics game
All The Games:
Bobcats at Magic - TNT, 7:00pm
Magic lead series 1-0

Dwight Howard and Vince Carter were both up in the middle of the night before Game 1 of this series. They were calling and texting each other, overanxious for the start of the playoffs. Vag Carter says no more late-night chats before games. He laughed and said "I try to sleep some times." During games, obviously.

Spurs at Mavericks - TNT, 9:30pm
Mavericks lead series 1-0

I picked up a milk carton and saw Richard Jefferson, George Hill, Keith Bogans, and Roger Mason's game all on the "Missing" section. (How did they fit all of that on there?) If found, please alert Gregg Popovich. Thanks.

Worst of the Night: March 25, 2010

Is...is that a Joe Alexander sighting?! Holy Spider-Man's balls!Something must have gone horribly, horribly wrong in Chicago.
The Chicago Bulls: Going into last night's home game against the Miami Heat, the stakes were high for the Bullies. They were fighting for a playoff spot, for pride (since the Heat punked them and incited Kirk Hinrich into an ejection and suspension a couple weeks ago), and -- most importantly -- for the future.

After all, Chicago management has put all their eggs in the basket that is this summer's free agent market. That's why they traded John Salmons and the right to switch picks in the 2010 NBA Draft to the Milwaukee Bucks for what will amount to about $6 million in extra cap space. That way, they can dangle a max contract as a lure in an attempt to bring Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, Amar''''''e Stoudemire, Carlos Boozer or Joe Johnson to the Windy City. And since several other teams, including their own, will be able to offer those guys similar money, the Bulls needed to prove they're just one player away from becoming a contender.

In other words, they had every reason to play balls out.

Instead, their balls just kinda dropped off and Chicago fans were forced to sit through -- probably with a steaming mouthful of their own vomit -- what was probably the Bulls' worst loss of the season. Yes, worse than their home defeat to the eight-win New Jersey Nyets. Yes, worse even than the time they collapsed after building a 35-point lead against the Excremento Kings. See, after those ugly losses, at least there was plenty of time to steer the ship clear of any icebergs. But now, well, the ship be sinkin'. How far can it sink? Sky's the limit.

Because I like tormenting myself, here are some numbers. The Bulls shot just 32 percent (including 28 percent in the first half) while the Heat hit nearly 52 percent of their field goals (including over 60 percent during the first 24 minutes). Chicago had just three fast break points and got outscored 52-28 in the paint. Miami got to the rim at will, scoring 18 layups and 4 dunks. The Heat led 63-33 at halftime and 86-49 after three quarters, and their biggest lead was 39. The Bulls lost 103-74 in what was their lowest scoring game of the season. The 29-point margin was Miami’s second-largest victory of the season and Chicago's second-worst.

And, of course, Derrick Rose went out of his way to prove he might actually be overrated by going 5-for-16 and finishing with a game-worst plus-minus score of -33.

As bad as they are, those numbers can't quite get across how listless the Bulls were last night. This game was over after the first quarter...it was like the Chicago players weren't even trying. I've seen homeless people who put more effort into their personal hygiene than the Bulls put into that game. I've seen people try harder to be nice to telemarketers. I've personally tried harder to be cool about Kobe Bryant, who's, like, the world's biggest asshole and I won't be happy until he dies of natural causes during a karate attack. See where I'm going with this? The Bulls got bitchslapped...and their coach knows it.

Said Vinny Del Negro: "No good answer for anything. They just attacked us with O'Neal and Beasley. ... We did not have enough fight in us tonight. We beat each other up more in practice than we did the opponent tonight. That is the frustrating part — their effort was better, their energy was better and that is why they beat us up."

Added Taj Gibson: "They really punched us in the mouth tonight."

Even the Heat couldn't believe how readily Chicago bent over to take it. Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal -- who blistered the Bulls with 24 points on 9-for-14 shooting -- said: "We were a little shocked. We talked about it a little bit on the bench. Especially all the conversation that was kind of here in the papers and stuff like that, their struggles and the importance of the game for them, also. ... We were prepared for a fight."

Too bad the Bulls weren't.

Chicago has now lost 11 of their last 13 games -- including a 10-game losing streak -- and are 2 1/2 games behind the eighth place Toronto Craptors. And The Math gives them about a 20 percent chance to make the playoffs.

Uh, maybe we should just keep them in the studio from now on, mmmkay?
Chuck, Kenny and Ernie: I love these guys, but let's be honest: they sucked as announcers last night. Sir Charles was mumbling and providing brilliant analysis like "Three on one break, they need to finish this" and "You can't score 19 points in the first quarter and expect to win." Kenny didn't have much of anything to say (although, after Chuck's "19 points in the first quarter" comment, he did add that "They're on pace for a 38-point half."). And Ernie was giving the most uninspired play-by-play I've heard since...uh...since I provided commentary for a girl's softball game back in college. It was bad. Honestly, they were saved by the fact that the Heat obliterated the Bulls, because then they could ignore the game and crack jokes. That was the only thing that saved them from complete embarrassment.

Can we just agree that Charles, Kenny and Ernie are great studio guys that should leave play-by-play and color commentary to, you know, pretty much anybody else? Well, except Bill Russell and Rick Barry.

The Dallas Mavericks: Most horror movies have what's known as "The Final Girl." The Final Girl is usually the second hottest chick in the movie (next to the slut / bitch, who typically dies a violent and rather satisfying death) and often a token virgin who manages to survive to the end and destroy the killer / monster / alien / whatever. In many cases, The Final Girl will develop a love interest during the course of the movie, and that dude's function appears to be to give the audience a false sense of security. After all, The Final Girl just seems safer when she has somebody watching her back, you know? I mean, there's always the off chance that guy might be able to beat back the bad guy, right? Only that never happens, and the dude usually suffers some horrible mutilation and/or dismemberment right before the final act.

Well, I've come to the conclusion that the Mavericks are that guy in the horror movie that is the upcoming Western Conference playoffs. The Lakers, of course, are Jason Voorhees. Many fans and experts have fooled themselves into thinking Dallas can maybe behead the Lakers, or trap them in a cave, or knock them into a wood chipper. Or something. But it ain't gonna happen, okay? The Mavs don't have what it takes. They don't. I don't care how many Caron Butlers or Brendan "I just work here" Haywoods they add. They are going to die horribly before the final act.

That 13-game winning streak was kind of an unlucky number for the Mavericks, who have dropped four of six games since then...with the two victories being needlessly close wins against the Bulls (see above) and Clippers (see below). Meanwhile, the Frail Blazers -- who have won five straight at home and six of their last seen games overall -- are moving up in the Western standings. And you could hardly blame them for hoping to draw Dallas in round one. After all, they're 3-0 against the Mavs this season, which gives them their first season series win over Mark Cuban's team since the 1998-99 season.

By the way, The Final Girl? She usually bites it when the killer returns for the sequel. So, in this scenario, The Final Girl is probably the Denver Nuggets.

Jason Kidd, quote machine: "They've beat us three times so for us it's about getting better. We understand that this is how teams will play us, so it's good that it happened now and not in 'the next season," he said, referring to the playoffs. So the Mavs finally understand how teams will play them...by trying to win. I'm glad Dallas finally figured that out only 72 games into the season.

The Houston Rockets: The Money Ballers have been getting pretty roughed up lately, and last night's 99-93 home loss to the Clippers proved once again that a plucky spirit combined with a can-do attitude isn't always an adequate substitute for star power.

Since no loss is complete without excuses, I should note the Rockets were missing Shane Battier (head shaving incident or something) and Kevin Martin (vaginal bleeding or whatever), so the Houston faithful can rightfully (but pathetically) log this defeat in the "Undermanned" column.

Trevor Ariza -- who led Team Pluck with 18 points, 8 boards and a career-high-tying 8 dimes -- said: "That's the hardest part about this game. We work ... all season with those guys and they go down. It takes a lot out of you. We know that coming into a game we just got to figure out ways to keep it going."

Uhm, wasn't Martin acquired at the trade deadline? If Ariza has been working with K-Mart all year, then Trevor must have a Hot Tub Time Machine and needs to share. I want to go back to St. Patrick's Day and not eat a certain corned beef sandwich that might or might not have passed back out of my system with the force of a thousand exploding suns.

Anyway, let's get back to sad-sacking the Rockets for losing to the Clippers -- the Clippers -- who hadn't won on the road since February 2. That was a stretch of 11 straight losses away from home. The skid had lasted so long that Drew Gooden, who got traded to The Other L.A. Team over a month ago, got his first road win as a Clipper last night.

I should probably also point out that Houston missed 10 foul shots and lost by six. BONK.

Baron Davis, going forward machine: "Much needed. Much needed. It was great. Hopefully it gives us a lot of confidence for the next game going forward. It was definitely a stepping stone, a learning period and I was just proud of my teammates. We didn't really turn the ball over and we got good shots." Okay, the Clippers are 27-45. What could this win possibly be a stepping stone to? Another stair on the way to Basketball Hell? Oh, wait. I just checked The Other L.A. Team's schedule. Their next game is against the Golden State Warriors. Win number 28, here the Clippers come!

Houston's "Big Three": The Rockets were led by Ariza, Aaron Brooks (18 points, 9 assists) and Luis Scola (16 points, 14 assists). But they weren't scoring in an, ahem, efficient manner. Those three dudes combined to shoot 20-for-56. I guess you could call that scoring by the Law of Averages.

Rasual Butler: Hey Rasual...you don't get off the hook just because your team won. The line: 2-for-10, including 1-for-7 from downtown.

Update! Almost forgot...on Wednesday night, the Nyets ran a promotion in which fans were allowed to turn in the paper bags they otherwise might have worn on their heads for free Nyets merchandise: a poster, a pack of player trading cards and a printed note from Yormark that said: "Thanks for letting us see your face. We hope to see it more often at Nets' games." Brilliant. Because fans wearing bags on their head want more reminders of one of the worst teams of all time. According to the story, "two people accepted the exchange offer by halftime." Thanks to Basketbawful reader Ash B for the reminder.

Update! LeBron James, ego machine: Said King Crab: "I if really wanted to win the scoring title I could win it every single year. Every single year, I could really do it. But it doesn't matter to me." Thanks to Basketbawful reader K for the link.

Derrek Lee: Okay, this isn't basketball related, but I had to included it because I live in Chicago and because this is so, so very Chicago Cubs. Lee -- who is prone to injury -- hurt himself while eating. Nope. Not making it up.

Think I'm joking about this being "so, so Chicago Cubs"? Then check it:

The sad part is that if Lee comes back on Friday, this won't rank very highly on the list of recent Cubs' freak injuries. Those candidates would include Sammy Sosa sneezing his way out of the lineup, Carlos Zambrano emailing his elbow out, Kerry Wood slipping near a hot tub, Alfonso Soriano hopping his way to an MRI and Ryan Dempster breaking his toe while jumping out of the dugout to celebrate.

Lacktion report: At a glance, I can tell chris put more effort into this lacktion report than the Bulls did doing anything last night. Unless they were trying to suck, in which case their effort was off the charts. Anyway...

Heat-Bulls: Jamaal Magloire rebounded twice in 4:15, only to brick twice and capture a giveaway and three fouls for a 4:2 Voskuhl. For the heifers, former nightmare ant Joe Alexander bricked once in that same timespan for a +1 suck differential.

Mavs-Frail Blazers: Eduardo Najera can now invest in a stock market bubble alongside team owner Mark Cuban, as he collected a fortune of 5.35 trillion (5:21) in a losing effort! Also lacking it up for Dallas were DeShawn Stevenson (+1 in 1:01 via brick from Pioneer Courthouse Square) and Rodrigue Beaubois, the latter switching on his Game Boy for a 48-second Mario!

Portland's Dante Cunningham missed once in 2:59 for a +1.

Just received word in Bawful comments that...

THE BUCKS ARE TRYING TO EXTEND THE VIABILITY OF THE JOHN SALMONS ERA BY...

SIGNING DARNELL "LACKTION" JACKSON.

YES.

Worst of the Night: February 9, 2010

The New Jersey Nyets: The tragic comedy of the 2009-10 New Jersey Nyets continued last night with a 104-97 loss to the Craboliers in Cleveland. But give the Devin Harris-less Nyets credit...they shot over 50 percent from the field and didn't get blown out by a red-hot Crabs team that has now won 12 games in a row. That would constitute a moral victory for many teams in the league. Of course, when you're 4-47, things like "not slipping on banana peel" and "not stabbing self in the groin with hedge clippers" are moral victories too. That's just the kind of nightmare season it's been in New Jersey.

Compounding the continuing misery of the Nyets, coach Kiki Vandeweghe benched Chris Douglas-Roberts for reasons unknown. Maybe it's the hyphenated name. Remember: Kiki is old-school. He probably doesn't understand why a man would ever have a hyphenated name.

Said Douglas-Roberts: "You get surprised a lot in the league. It is what it is. Things don't work out all the time. I guess I'm out of the rotation."

Douglas-Roberts doesn't plan to pull a "Tirade Thomas" on Vandeweghe, though.

"Absolutely not. I don't think talks really do anything. I've probably had the most talks with him on the team. But they don't do nothing."

Ah...the New Jersey Nyets. They truly are what Basketbawful is all about.

By the way, just to provide an update, the Nyets are now 27-87 since Devin Harris said "We knew we were going to be a playoff team" last season.

LeBron James, quote machine: After beating the Nyets -- who, again, are 4-47 -- King Crab said: "To have a 12-game winning streak against the best competition in the world is impressive."

Joe Dumars: His Pistons eked out a win over the Bucks, but John Hollinger really gave it to him yesterday (via TrueHoop):

Check out the résumé and find me a correct decision. Just one. Fire Saunders? Wrong. Hire Michael Curry? Wrong. Trade Chauncey Billups? Wrong. Extend Richard Hamilton? Wrong. Sign Kwame Brown? Wrong. Go after Ben Gordon and Charlie Villanueva? Wrong again.

In two years, the Pistons have gone from one of the best teams in basketball to among the worst. They stink, they're capped out, and they don't have much in the way of young talent; for all we know, in two years they're going to be the Pittsburgh Pisces or the Seattle Grunge or something. If Isiah Thomas or Rob Babcock had done this, we'd have buried them alive by now, so it's only fair for us to point out that regardless of his previous track record, Dumars is on a two-year losing streak of McHalian proportions.

In all fairness to Kevin McHale, he only failed to build a good team. Dumars destroyed a good team and created crap from its ashes.

The Indiana Pacers: Ah, I can always count on my homestate Pacers to fail. Indy scored 60 points in the first half and had 86 after three quarters. Then, in the fourth quarter, they shot 33 percent, committed 6 turnvoers and finished the period with only 15 points. Which, as it turns out, wasn't enough to pull out a win over the Bulls. Mind you, Chicago entered the game with an all-time record of 3-17 at Conseco Fieldhouse.

The fourth quarter was a microcosm of why the Pacers are so bad. They have to masquerade Earl Watson and T.J. Ford as point guards, which is kind of like playing without one. Danny Granger is awesome, but all he could do at the end of the contest was chuck up long-range jumpers. Roy Hibbert should have had his way inside, but all he wanted to do was turn and fling jump hooks in the general direction of the rim.

All in all, it's been a rough few days for the people of Indianapolis.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: The Timberpoops got there butts whupped 119-97 by the Philadelphia 76ers, who shot over 57 percent and outscored Minny 58-34 in the paint.

It was a real defensive fail by the Timberpoops, who gave up 43 points in the second quarter and 73 in the first half. Those were both season-highs for Philly, who scored 40 first-quarter points in an October 31 game at New York and had 71 first-half points on December 14 against the Gol_en State Warriors. It's always fun when, in the course of busting on one team, I can also bust on the Bricks and Warriors at the same time. I'm pretty sure that raises my Bawful Efficiency Rating (BER) by, like, some kind of percent or something.

Complained Minnesota coach Kurt Rambis: "I wish I could blame everything on the second quarter. I don't think we came out and played hard from the beginning. I was disappointed with the effort overall. They played harder than us and we turned the ball over way too much."

I too wish you could blame everything on that second quarter, Kurt. But you guys have kind of sucked all season long.

Speaking of sucking all season long, the Sixers have...until now. Philly has now won a season-high five games in a row, which includes winning back-to-back home games for the first time this season. In related news, Allen Iverson has missed the last four games to tend to his ill daughter. As always, I'm not sayin'...I'm just sayin'.

Eddie Jordan, quote machine: Regarding his team's recent success: "I have happy we have got a little bit of a wave, but I am not going to be really happy until we get to .500. Right now, it's good that we're playing with a good personality and a good mindset." That's right, folks. He has happy..

The _allas Mavericks: After a one-point win over the woeful Bullets on January 20, Jason Kidd said: "Winning on a defensive possession, you wouldn't say that in the past about the Mavericks. It would be us trying to get a basket on the other end. This year, we've really focused on playing defense. We looked at the last champions and said, 'Hey, they all played defense.' So that's what we're focused on right now."

The new era of Defense in Dallas ended pretty much right after those words left J-Kidd's mouth. In their last eight games, the Mavs are 3-5 and have given up 107, 112, 114, 104, 101, 117, 117 and finally 127 points in last night's 36-point loss in Denver. Mind you, the Nuggets shot better than 60 percent from the field and from beyond the arc.

Hands? Faces? Anyone? Bueller?

Mavericks coach Rick Carlisle thinks a big reason for this latest drubbing was the absence of...Erick Dampier? Oh yes. Said Carlisle: "Dampier's a very important part of our team. Not having him tonight, it makes it a lot tougher with guys like Nene and the Birdman [Andersen]."

Okay.

The Houston Rockets: It's fitting that the Rockets were playing the Heat last night, because they are my new pick for the league's leading Bipolar Girlfriend Team. One night they're up, the next they're down. One day they look great, the next they look awful. Rinse and repeat. Well, last night was one of the bad ones, as they lost to the Heat 99-66.

I know the Rockets played without Trevor Ariza (hip pointer) and Kyle Lowry, but damn! Miami's 56-31 halftime lead reset the Heat's season-high for halftime leads. Houston shot 30 percent, missed 14 of their 18 three-point attempts and gave up 17 points off 16 turnovers. And I suppose it goes without saying that the 66 points were a season-low. It says something when the Nyets looked about 100 times better than the Rockets did last night. Gak.

The New York Knicks: The Bricks entered last night's game against the Excremento Kings with a record of 19-31. I'm not a mathmatologist, but it sure looks to me like they're on course for yet another 30-win season. Even worse, they're pulling off a truly epic fail in their audition to trick LeBron James and Superstar X into signing up to suffer in New York next season. Memo to Donnie Walsh: It ain't happening. My suggestion is to start working on Plan B, which I can only assume includes slipping on a ski mask, climbing out a back window and disappearing into the night.

But hey, at least the Bricks had a home game against the Kings, who were only 3-20 since their 35-point comeback in Chicago. That had to be a gimmie, right?! It sure looked that way, especially when New York went up 98-83 lead with 7:36 to play. The Bricks then went on to lose 118-114 in overtime.

FAIL.

Said Mike 'Antoni: "It went from 15 to seven in about 30 seconds and then we got tight and didn't play well and they beat us. Somehow our spirit is all messed up."

Live by offense, die by offense. The Kings -- Tyreke Evans in particular -- started pushing the ball at every opportunity. Sure it took them three and a half quarters to figure out the Bricks don't play defense, but once they did...

Evans -- who finished with 27 points, 10 rebounds and six assists, and scored 12 points in the final seven minutes of regulation -- said: "They just weren't doing a good job of getting back. Every time I got the rebound I pushed it and, when I saw an open lane, I attacked it or kicked it out to an open guy."

Added Kevin Martin: "We just kept on believing and we knew it was just a matter of time. The Knicks keep on attacking the basket and they let you back in the game, and that's what our game plan was in the last six minutes of the game and overtime."

It's never good when a team that has won three games in the last couple months assumes you're going to collapse at home.

Larry Hughes: Just when it looked like Big Shot Larry had worked his way back into 'Antoni's rotation, he misses a game with...a sprained big toe. I am not fucking kidding.

Paul Westphal, quote machine: "I think the people in New York got a little idea of why we like Tyreke so much. The Garden got kind of quiet when he did that little two-step slippery thing he does. It's something you don't see very often."

Speaking of which...

Jared Jeffries: Oy.


But wait, there's more! From The Other Chris:

Was anyone else watching the Bricks/Paupers game near the end of overtime? The Paupers were clinging to a 2-point lead, Krypto-Nate dribble penetrated and kicked to Jared Jeffries at the top of the circle, who promptly chucked up an ill-advised three. Which clanked short. Game over, Bricks lose, essentially.

Now the wonderful part about this sequence was that you could actually *hear* the crowd gasp with disbelief and dismay as Jeffries jacked up the three. Smart defence by the Paupers, of course.. why wouldn't you leave the guy wide open from there, we all know he can't throw it in the ocean.

The home crowd yelling at a wide open player to FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T SHOOT... a truly excellent Bawful moment.

The Memphis Grizzlies: Uh oh. Let me say that again. Uh oh. It looks like the post-Iverson bounce has come and gone. (Take note, Sixers.) After the Griz finally started getting some cred -- I mean, Z-Bo was named to the All-Star team for God's sake! -- they lose four in a row and six of seven, including last night's 108-94 defeat in Atlanta. Are...are they who we thought they were, after all?

Lionel Hollings, quote machine: Regarding the way his plan to use a zone defense in the fourth quarter totally backfired: "Jamal Crawford got going and made a lot of shots." The Hawks shot 55.4 percent as a team, by the way.

The Portland Frail Blazers: Basketbawful reader Hajt gave us a snapshot of why the still Brandon Roy-less Frail Blazers got thumped last night:

Blazers-Thunder box score is incredibly depressing. Look at those turnovers and 3 point shooting. From Blazersedge, here is what Portland did while James Hardin scored 13 straight: Missed three; Shot blocked; Bayless converts layup; Missed 20-footer; Turnover; Turnover; Turnover; Shot blocked; Missed three; Turnover; Shot clock violation; Shot blocked; Missed three. Please give us Roy or a center.

The Los Angeles Clippers: Speaking of teams who are who we thought they were...the Clippers lost their second straight post-Dunleavy game, this time a 109-99 home defeat to the Utah Jazz.

Carlos Boozer, captain obvious: "We felt at halftime that if we started playing defense at some point, we'll have a chance."

Good call.

The Associated Press: From Basketbawful reader Phil: "From the Clippers - Jazz AP recap: 'Utah is 10-12 on the road, and will play 19 of their final 31 games away from the Salt Palace.' I'm not sure which reporter the AP defrosted from cryogenic freezing for this article but the Jazz haven't played at the Salt Palace since 1991."

NBA.com, unintentionally dirty headline machine: The following headline was nominated by Basketbawful reader Hellshocked: "Utah wins its ninth straight as Boozer pounds on Kaman, Clippers for 34 points."

Kobe Bryant: Parties and boobs. Read all about it.


Brady Morningstar: I'm not much for college ball -- unless the Boilermakers are involved -- but I couldn't not post this video. Worst free throw attempt ever.


"The ball was wet," Morningstar told the Lawrence Journal-World. "It slipped on the way up. I was so confused. I could have caught it and came down with it, but I'd have stepped on the line. I tried to shoot a little jump shot so I didn't cross the line."

"I looked pretty stupid there," he added. "We laughed about it in the locker room just now."

And we are laughing at it here. Thanks, Brady.

Lacktion report: Chris celebrated a rare Sactown victory the same way he celebrates their defeats...by giving us lacktion.

Bullets-Bobcats: JaVale McGee's 2.4 trillion (2:24) take should be more than enough to restock his financial arsenal.

Bulls-Pacers: Indiana's Luther Head stamped a thesis onto one brick for a +1 in 6:19.

Wolves-Sixers: Alexsandr "Sasha" Pavlovic fouled once and bricked twice (once from the Grand Lodge) for a +3 in 6:51. For Philadelphia, Marreese Speights earned a 2:0 Voskuhl in 3:14 by negating a block with a foul and giveaway, while Jason Kapono fouled once for a +1 in that same timespan.

Rockets-Heat: Joel Anthony countered five blocks and a board in 21:03 with three bricks, four fouls, and two giveaways for a 6:1 Voskuhl. Also in the Voskuhl side of the scoreboard was Houston's Joey Dorsey, who negated a board in 5:57 with a brick, two fouls, and a giveaway for a 3:1 ratio.

Hawks-Grizzlies: With a giveaway against an assist, Randolph Morris scratched out a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl in 4:26. For Memphis, DeMarre Carroll and Hasheem Thabeet shared lottery numbers tonight, as they both ended up with 1.6 trillion (1:35) prizes!

Thunder-Blazers: Jeff Pendergraph wired up a 2:1 Voskuhl in 3:12 by notching a foul and giveaway against a board.

Jazz-Clippers: Sundiata Gaines continues to spend seconds in the Mushroom Kingdom, as evidenced by a 52 second Mario that somehow involved one made free throw! Meanwhile, Steve Novak continues his stranglehold as the Association's top lacktator via a 1.15 trillion (1:10).

Worst of the Night: February 8, 2010

I might be totally imagining this, but the Mavericks' "defense"seems to be aging Mark Cuban at an accelerated rate.
The Orlando Magic: "Vinsanity is back!"

You'll be reading that for the next couple days. At least until after the Magic play the Bulls in Chicago tomorrow night. And there's no doubt that Vince Carter had a throwback game, scoring 48 points on 19-for-27 from the field, 6-for-10 from downtown and 4-for-4 from the line. It was the third-highest point total of his career, behind only the 51 points he scored on February 27, 2000 for the Raptors against the Suns and the 51 points he dropped on the Heat while playing for the Nyets back on December 23, 2005.

And even though I really kind of hate VC, even I have to admit he looked pretty damn good last night. Step-back jumpers with a hand in his face, three-pointers while fading away over two guys, high-light reel-style layups over three guys. It was all pretty sweet...especially for a guy who shot 28 percent during the month of January. Carter also busted James Posey's ankles en route to a pro-hop layin.


You know a "but" is coming, right?

First of all, that performance was an abberation. Please undersstand this. Carter had what was, in essence, the third-best game of his career. And it's no coincidence it happened during a game that felt a helluva lot more like "Warriors versus Knicks" than "Chris Paul-less Hornets versus the Magic."

The final score was 123-117. Both teams shot over 50 percent: Orlando knocked down better than 54 percent of their field goal attempts while New Orleans hit nearly 52 percent from the field and 50 percent from beyond the arc.

This was not a defensive struggle, people.

And even though the Magic won, they fell behind by 17 points to a team without its best player and had to get a vintage scoring explosion from Vince Carter to eke out a six-point win at home.

Vince Carter, quote machine: Regarding his recent return from the icy grips of Basketball Death: "It's a new month. A new month brings new things. The past is the past, and it's going to be that. I've had rough months. That's just how it goes. And I know the expectations, and you work so hard to have an impressive resume, so it's expected each and every night. I understand that, and I don't have a problem with that. I don't mind being booed because I know what I can do. So I was just going to continue to play and shine through."

The _allas Mavericks: The slumping Mavericks outscored their opponent 37-19 in the fourth quarter to pull out a much-needed come-from-behind win. On the road, no less. And yet here they are in Worst of the Night.

That's because the opponent was the Gol_en State Warriors. And there were circumstances. And they were mitigating.

Calling the Warriors "injury plagued" is like calling Avatar "somewhat poorly written." They essentially played six men. Corey Maggette sat out with a finger injury. Devean George had flu-like symptoms. Vladimir Radmanovich missed the game with an Achilles injury. C.J. Watson (six minutes) and Chris Hunter (one minute) made token appearances. And Monta Ellis (27 points, 5 rebounds, 5 assists, 4 steals) had to leave during the fourth quarter due to a right knee injury. So, you know, make it five men.

And yet the Warriors finished with 117 points.

Some people will tell you that the Warriors dropped 70 points in the first half -- the most points scored in a single half by an _allas opponent all season -- before the Mavs "cranked up the defense down the stretch." Right. I'm here to tell you _allas took advantage of a tired team that had no bench to speak of. Stephen Curry (25 points, 9 assists) logged 48 minutes. Anthony Morrow (career-high 33 points, 11 boards, 4 assists) played 45. Monta Ellis missed four minutes...and that was only because he got hurt. Anthony Tolliver (14 points, 11 rebounds) put in 37 minutes off the bench (the only Warrior reserve to get serious time) and freaking Ronny Turiaf ended up with 35 minutes.

Trust me: Turiaf would not be logging that much time unless absolutely necessary. So please, let's not try to claim the Mavericks shut anybody down in the end game.

By the way, the Mavericks have now rallied from a double-digit deficit in 11 games, the most of any team in the NBA. And while that sounds impressive, that only means they've had to come back from double-digit deficits 11 times. Plus they've had 10 one-point victories, which is also an NBA "best."

All of which means: When I look at their 32-19 record, it just seems a little fishy to me.

The Gol_en State Warrors: Injured? Yes. Tired? Also yes. But facts are facts. They choked away a 14-point lead, gave up 127 points on 52 percent shooting (including almost 55 percent from downtown) and lost their season-worst ninth straight game (including five in a row at home).

And did I mention they're now tied with the Minnesota Timberpoops for the title of Worst Team in the Western Conference?

The San Antonio Spurs: For the first time this season, the Spurs are completely healthy. The Lakers, on the other hand, were without Kobe Bryant (bum foot) and Andrew Bynum (bruised hip cranky vagina). Should have been a gimme for San Antonio, right?

Sorry. These aren't your older brother's Spurs.

Pau Gasol (21 points, 18 rebounds, 8 assists, 5 blocked shots) not only outplayed Tim Duncan (16 points, 14 boards, 4 blocks), he also kinda proved that he -- and not a certain Black Mamba -- is L.A.'s foundation player. The Lakers really struggled without Gasol earlier this season. Yet in two games without Kobe Bryant, L.A. snapped a five-year losing streak in Portland by blowing out the Frail Blazers on Saturday, and last night they notched a double-digit home win over the Spurs.

Crazy.

The Lakers are now 55-33 all-time when Kobe sits out. Of course, Kobe apologists will be quick to point out that they're 19-23 in 42 games without him since the 2003-04 season. BUT...10 of those losses happened during the 2004-05 season. For the record, that was the first post-Shaq season. You know, the year Rudy Tomjanovich bailed on the team and and Kobe struggled with injuries down the stretch, forcing the Lakers to go to war with a starting five of Caron Butler, Chucky Atkins, Devean Goerge, Brian Grant and Luke Walton.

So, again, mitigating circumstances.

But as much as I love to bust on Kobe, the real victims of this entry are the Spurs. And here's what stands out most about this loss: The fact that nothing really stands out. They shot poorly (42 percent), but so did the Lakers (43 percent). They finished with three fewer rebounds and three fewer assists. They committed 13 turnovers, but L.A. scored only six points off those miscues, whereas San Antonio scored 12 points off 10 Lakers turnovers The Spurs outscored L.A. 48-46 in the paint.

When you come right down to it, the Spurs just...they just got outplayed. The Lakers were the better team. Without Kobe. Without Bynum. With Shannon Brown going 3-for-13 in 37 minutes while starting in Byrant's place.

If you're a San Antonio fan, that's gotta be pretty depressing. In related news, the Spurs are now involved in a legal battle over George Hill's genitals. And no, I'm not kidding.

The Nobel Peace Prize nomination process: Nominated? The Internet. Seriously. [H/T AnacondaHL.]

Lacktion report: Chris maintains his love affair with lacktion:

Hornets-Magic: Emeka Okafor bricked and fouled four times against two boards to earn a 4:2 Voskuhl in 9:01. Sean Marks also got into the Voskuhl category with a 3:1 ratio in 6:28, negating a board with three fouls. Meanwhile, former Clipper Jason Hart tossed a turnip in two seconds for a Super Mario!!!

Mavs-Warriors: The Oracle may have seen 244 points from both teams in 48 minutes, but such expansion on the scoreboard certainly did not prevent lacktivity from occurring!

In a snoozer of a start performance, Eduardo Najera subbed for Erick Dampier and can now participate in insider trades with team owner Mark Cuban, due to his 3.15 trillion (3:10) check! And speaking of Cuban, his "virtually untradeable" pet project (http://espn.go.com/blog/dallasmavericks/post/_/id/4665553/cuban-beaubois
-is-pretty-much-untouchable), Rodrigue Beaubois, earned himself a +4 suck differential in 1:49 via a pair of both fouls and giveaways.

For Team Nellieball, CJ Watson also earned a +4 in 6:18, via a trio of fouls and a singular loss of the rock. Also collecting wealth (enough to make Oracle founder Larry Ellison proud) was Chris Hunter, who earned a 1.05 trillion (1:03).

Spurs-Lakers: DJ Mbenga can now buy a home in Beverly Hills after collecting a celebratory 1.3 trillion (1:18)!