Oh, damnit, the CarmeloBot 5000 is acting up again. Anyone know the phone number for a robot repair guy?
Two more games before we hit the All-Star break. You know what that means... it's almost time for the annual Basketbawful Null-Star Game. Rosters are being determined right now, and I will simulate the game in NBA 2K11 and post it on Youtube sometime in the next few days. I hope to have it done sometime this weekend, but I can't guarantee it. I can guarantee this: it will be worth the wait. You know you want to see shot-clock violations, bricked threes, over-and-back violations, and lots of poor basketball players aimlessly standing around.
Is dropkicking Chris Kaman in the head really necessary? (The answer is, of course, yes)
A quick smack in the nether region is one way to tell Bosh "welcome home!"
Nationally Televised Games: Spurs at Bulls, TNT, 8pm: The Spurs are having their best rodeo trip (6 of 8 wins so far) since the 2002-03 season. As you may have guessed, that same Spurs team won the title. I don't wanna stat curse anything (seriously, unlike last night, I really don't), but I think I speak for every other team in the league when I say this: oh snap!
Mavericks at Suns, TNT, 10:30pm: Wait a second... the Mavericks are already stupid good, so they added Peja Stojakovic, and now they've also gotten Rodrigue Beaubois back on the court? Tonight could be their 13th win in their last 14 games. And things just got interesting out West...
Not much time to talk today, so I'll share a quick couple of links.
Solid tweet from "Bill Simmons: "Note to ESPN.com: can we add a ".500 Line" graphic to our Heat Index that shows users if they're above or below .500?"
Here's a must-watch video of Conan O'Brien and Andy Richter mocking local news broadcasts. Your favorite team won!
Worst of the Night in Pictures:
Rondo treats Chris "Charmin" Bosh like super soft toilet paper
Really? I guess God had money on the Nuggets last night
Stunned
You know, Phil Jackson could save a lot of time and energy by not bothering to draw up a play when it's just "have Kobe jack up a contested three"
Nationally Televised Friday Games: Jazz at Hawks, ESPN, 7pm: Both of these teams seem a bit bipolar. I think it's going to come down to which version of each team shows up at different points in this game, particularly the fourth quarter. You never know when Good Jazz will show up at the same time as Bad Hawks and vice versa.
Frail Blazers at Thunder, ESPN, 9:30pm: By the time this game is done, the Blazers might be running short on players thanks to knee injuries. I keep waiting for random assistant coaches to tear ACLs or dislocate patellas just sitting on the bench.
All The Other Friday Games: Rockets at Pacers, 7pm: Two things. First, I'd just like to quote the opening of the STATS LLC game preview: "Just days ago, the Houston Rockets discussed the idea of increasing Yao Ming's minutes. That plan has hit a definite snag." Second, if the Pacers shoot over 60% from the field again in this game, I will probably need one of you to drive me to the hospital because my brain will explode trying to comprehend that reality.
Craptors at Magic, 7pm: I can't wait for Bawful to post the Raptors Mascot Fail video again Mondy morning.
Bobcraps at Wizards Generals, 7pm: BawfulFest 2010 continues! This is like the greatest worst week ever, isn't it?
Bricks at Timberwolves, 8pm: This only reaffirms my point. Darko + David Kahn = entertainment!
76ers at Mavericks, 8:30pm: Quick math lesson for the day: Mavericks' great defense + Sixers awful awful offense = high comedy. Woo.
Kings at Suns, 9pm: So let me get this straight. The Purple Paupers couldn't stop Beasley and the Timberwolves? What are they supposed to do against the Suns? I'm kinda-sorta intrigued.
Nationally Televised Saturday Games: Warriors at Bucks, NBA TV, 8:30pm: The Warriors were sold Friday for $450 million. I know, I don't understand it either.
All The Other Saturday Games: Magic at Nyets, 7pm: Two words: Beat. Down.
Jazz at Bobcraps, 7pm: At what point does Jordan say "fuck it, I'm suiting up again!" just to keep the Bobcraps from being not only awful, but boring?
Pacers at Cavaliers, 7:30pm: I know it's early, but prepare to have your world rocked: as of Friday morning, the Pacers are only half a game out of the Central division lead.
Craptors at Heat, 7:30pm: I can't wait for Bawful to post the Raptors Mascot Fail video TWICE on Monday morning!
Frail Blazers at Hornets, 8pm: So when do we start hearing crap about the Hornets going for 72 wins? Meanwhile, The Onion delivers again. (h/t Basketbawful reader JJ)
Wizards Generals at Bulls, 8pm: The Generals are on the second night of a back-to-back, but if they play the Bobcraps on that first night, does it really count?
Celtics at Grizzlies, 8pm: This stinks of trap game to me for some reason...
76ers at Spurs, 8:30pm: Hey, did you know that "basketball is a game of mistakes?" That quote is going to haunt Doug Collins for awhile, just like Doug Collins' crappy coaching is going to haunt the Seventy Suxorz for awhile.
* * *
Nationally Televised Sunday Games: Rockets at Bricks, 7:30pm: The Bricks as a team are 9th overall in rebounding, in spite of having Amar''''e Stoudemire on their roster. I am confused and frightened. Hold me.
All The Other Sunday Games: Timberwolves at Hawks, 2pm: I feel like we need a camera focused on Darko Milicic at all times just so we can truly appreciate how horrific he is. Would anyone else watch that?
Pistons at Kings, 6pm: One of the worst offenses in the NBA goes head-to-head with one of the worst defenses in the NBA. I can't wait for all the sloppy ball movement and ridiculous bad jumpers that are completely uncontested.
Spurs at Thunder, 7pm: The Thunder are averaging an anemic 15 assists per game as a team. How is it this team can be over .500 and yet be so disappointing?
Robert Parish is one of my favorite players ever. I grew up screaming "CHIEF!!" every time Parish hit one of his patented turnaround jumpers or jammed home a pick-and-roll pass from Larry Bird. I loved his poise, his unselfishness, and his aura of stoic nobility. I also loved it when he sucker-punched Bill Laimbeer in Game 5 of the 1987 Eastern Conference Finals.
Yeah, I probably shouldn't love that, but I do. If anybody ever had it coming, it was Laimbeer.
All that said, I'm starting to think Parish has lost his nut a little. And not just because he recently said: "I think Shaq will definitely bring a defensive presence along with Garnett. He's going to cause a lot of havoc defensively."
"I think Paul Pierce, the way he manufactures points is the best player the Celtics have seen thus far. That's saying a lot because you are talking about John Havlicek, [who] was the best offensive player that the Celtics had, the way he manufactures points. But Paul Pierce has them all beat. He’s got the Sam Joneses, the (Don) Nelsons, the Tommy Heinsohns, Jones, Havlicek, (Larry) Bird, (Kevin) McHale, myself. Paul Pierce is the best offensive player the Celtics have seen thus far."
That statement is stunning. No, really. I'm stunned. Parish played with Larry Bird. And I'm going to go ahead and assumed he's watched Pierce play at least a few times.
But still, I'm not sure what Parish could have possibly smoked enough of to make him think that Pierce is a better offensive player than Bird. Don't get me wrong. Pierce is pretty darn good. He can nail the three, has a solid mid-range game, and perfected that sweet move where he spins right and pulls up for a jumper. Paul also has a nice head fake, can get to the basket, and either finish or draw fouls.
Of course, Bird could do all of that and more. He could shoot either either hand. He could post up. He had a hook shot going righty or lefty. Heck, Bird once got so bored with being so awesome he tried to spend an entire game shooting left-handed (and finished with 47 points, 14 rebounds and 11 assists...the night after going off for 35/15/11 in Seattle).
I mean, have you ever seen Pierce do something like this:
Don't take my word for it, though. If my progressive series of Larry Bird tattoos is any indication, I can't think clearly when it comes to The Legend. So let's consult the stats.
Note: Bird played 897 career games. Pierce has played 884 so far. Also, where appropriate, I have included the all-time rank next to the stat.
Career Stats: Raw Numbers Larry Bird PPG: 24.3 (16) FPG: .496 3P%: 376 (92) FTP: 88.6 (10) APG: 6.3 (41) ORB: 2.0
As you can see, the raw numbers all favor Larry Legend. Some other random facts:
Bird ranked in the top 10 in PPG six times. Pierce has done it five times.
Bird shot 50 percent or better five times and barely missed 50 percent two other times (.496 in 1985-86 and .492 in 1983-84). Pierce has never shot better than .472. Bird's career worst FGP of .454 (which happened during his injury-ravaged 1990-91 season) eclipsed six of Pierce's seasons and equalled his 2000-01 campaign.
Bird ranked in the top 10 in three-point percentage seven times and shot better than 40 percent six times. Pierce has never been a top 10 three-point shooter and has hit 40 percent or better three times. It's true that there are more and better three-point marksmen today than there were in the 1980s, but this shows how Bird measured up to his contemporaries.
Bird ranked in the top 10 in free throw percentage 11 times and led the league four times. Pierce has never ranked in the top 10 in this category.
Pierce has 19 career games in which he scored 40 or more points.
Bird had 27 games with 40-plus points from 1986-87 through 1991-92. That included one six-game season (1988-89) and his final two injury-ravaged seasons (1990-91 and 1991-92). It also doesn't include any of his three MVP seasons. (Man, I wish Basketball-Reference would get box scores going back to before Bird's career.)
Bird ranks fifth all-time with 59 career triple-doubles. Pierce has six.
But hey, maybe the raw numbers lie. Let's take a look at the advanced stats that are supposed to take various confounders (pace, era, quality of teammates) into account.
Pierce has a very slight edge in True Shooting Percentage...and that's it. All the other advanced stats go Larry's way. Some other random facts:
Bird has three top 10 finishes in Offensive Rating. Pierce has none.
Bird has six top 10 finishes in Offensive Win Shares, including a first place finish in 1984-85. Pierce's best finish was 10th in 2004-05.
Look, Pierce is one of the great scorers of his era. Bird is one of the great scorers of all-time. The only reasonable conclusion I can come to -- and Zach Lowe of CelticsHub agrees -- is that The Legend was clearly a better offensive player than The Truth.
L.A. Times blogger and KTLA producer Ted Green recently published a blog post called Your Guide to Hating The Celtics. It reads like it was written by a drugged six-year-old who was aimlessly bashing a keyboard with his elbows, but that's not the problem. The problem was that this was one of Green's entries:
Pierce's idea of a fun night is going clubbing and getting stabbed. Good times!
This was of course a clumsy reference to the incident in which Pierce "was stabbed 11 times in the face, neck, and back and had a bottle smashed over his head" and "had to undergo lung surgery to repair the damage."
Paul Pierce was almost murdered?! Bwahahahahaha...wait, what?! What kind of supreme asshole thinks that's a punchline? Ted Green, apparently. One assumes he wrote that hilarous little joke while supervising a multiple pony execution at his factory that grinds babies and old people into paste.
Naturally, the L.A. times retracted the stabbing line from Green's post, but as Matthew Fleisher of Media Bistro points out: "...the line is still there on a KTLA cross-post of the piece. KTLA, remember, is where Green has his day job."
That one was something I probably should apologize for. That one was not only too close to the line, but maybe over. The truth is I think Paul Pierce is a very, very good player. A Hall of Fame caliber player. I probably shouldn't have gone to the stabbing card.
Probably should apologize for...maybe over the line...probably shouldn't have gone to the stabbing card. Well, then. At least he learned his lesson.
Alvin Gentry taking coaching advice from Lakers fan Jack Nicholson? So that explains the loss! I'm tellin' y'all it's sabotage!
Can we all agree the Suns probably wouldn't have won last night's game no matter how the officiating played out? Hopefully they at least provide us with a little more entertainment next time. And as UpA said in the WOTN comments: "I feel the David Stern Censorship Machine (TM) is coming to bawful... if you keep cricitizing the refs someone will be shutting this place off..."
Worst of the Night in Pictures:
By the 4th quarter, the Suns bench had already gone through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and arrived at acceptance
Kobe is just a little bit happy that Grant Hill got called for the foul.
You may be asking "why post a picture of Jessica Alba in the stands?" My reply? Why not! (Anything to distract me from the action on the court last night is a welcome diversion)
All The Games: NBA Draft Lottery - ESPN, 8:00pm
It's the John Wall Sweepstakes! I will almost feel bad if the New Jersey Nets don't get the #1 seed. Almost. Meanwhile, I continue to look forward to the actual draft to see if Minnesota will pick another guard or three this year.
Celtics at Magic - ESPN, 8:30pm Celtics lead series 1-0
The Celtics haven't won more than four straight games since Christmas. The Magic haven't lost consecutive home games all season. It wouldn't surprise me if the Magic looked a lot stronger this time around than in the series opener. However, it also wouldn't surprise me that a team that relies on Dwight Howard that heavily to lose. (Per Paul Pierce and his self-proclaimed Truth: "You know we going crazy tonight. sorry Dwight ") And furthermore, it wouldn't surprise me to see a team lose when the player trying hardest is Vag Carter. That's some seriously bad mojo.
