2010 Christmas List: Bioloid Expert Humanoid Robot Kit

Welcome to a little thing I like to call THE MOTHERFUCKING FUTURE.
I hate dating myself, but I grew up in the 1980s. And during the 80s, nothing -- and I really do mean nothing -- was cooler than robots. If you slapped the word "robot" onto a product, somebody would buy it no matter how un-robot-y it really was. This is the only sane explanation for how horrors like Gobots: Battle of the Rock Lords were made.

Sure, GBotRL set the gold standards for robots that transformed into rocks, but that still doesn't explain why the hell some fool thought kids wanted to play with robots that became regular, mundane objects. Why not create a line of toys called "Living Room Furniture Lords" or "Random Office Supplies Lords." As an aside, the Wikipedia entry for the Rock Lords states: "Rock Lords was not a successful toy line." Which is like saying "I have an 80th level Death Knight in Wrath of the Lich King!" was not a successful pickup line.

But I digress.

Unfortunately, mankind's wonder with robots was way ahead of its ability to create real, working robots. So instead, we had to make due with crappy fake robots like Johnny-Five and Small Wonder. And as far as toys went, the best we had was Robotix. Which was great if you considered building a car that rolled slowly across the floor or a making a plastic dinosour thingie that "moved" by even more slowly opening and closing it's mouth a robotic wonder.

I probably don't have to tell you that a lot has changed since the 1980s. Mankinds fascination with robots has given way to an even greater fascination with Internet porn. But that hasn't stopped scientists from building better robots. And by "better" I mean they are actual robots.

Introducing the Bioloid Expert Humanoid Robot Kit:

Welcome BIOLOID to the world's first truly diverse and interchangeable robot platform.

The Bioloid Multi-bot is the first robot of its kind to be built around serially controlled servo technology. This allows the user to construct a wide variety of robot configurations, including the autonomous exploration robot, quadruped puppy robot, hexapod spider robot, dinosaur robot and bi-pedal humanoid...all with one controller board.

That's awesome! But -- just like a complete double rainbow -- I can't help wondering what it all means.

The Bioloid is a robot kit where the user can build anything they desire, just like the Lego sets. But unlike the Lego sets, the robot is built with blocks that are actuated, so the joints can move. The name "Bioloid" comes from the words "Bio" + "all" + "oid" meaning that any living thing can be built in the form of a robot.

Well, the vagina is a living thing, official Bioloid Expert Humanoid Robot Kid User's Guide. Can I build that in the form of a robot? Actually, don't answer that. Please.

Now, here's where this robot kit starts to edge into creepy "I might accidentally build something that comes back from the future to kill my mom before I'm born" territory:

With the use of a distance sensor, sound sensor, and feedback from the joints, the robot can be programmed to operate autonomously. For example, you can build a robot dog that gets up when it hears a clap and sits down when it hears two claps, or a robot that bows when a person comes close. You can also make a robot that avoids obstacles or a robot that plays with a ball. A robot that can move by the pressing of buttons or by using the remote control (option) can also be built. Using the provided software, even people without a background in robotics can easily program these kinds of robot movements.

You know, I've seen plenty of robot-themed movies, and building robots that operate autonomously rarely ends well for anybody who isn't the robot. And do we really want "people without a background in robotics" building things that can think and act on their own? I might as well just resign myself to having my organs harvested for use in giant battery pods when the machines inevitably take over.

Damn. I really liked my pancreas.

Now, even though whoever invented the Bioloid Expert Humanoid Robot Kid clearly intended to bring about the end of human existence, the official user's guide still had to take part in some legal ass covering. For, you know, the transition period before President Obama is replaced by a cybernetic duplicate.

The user is responsible for any accidents that occur while building the robot. Before starting, please remember the following.

Read and study the manual before starting.

The recommended age for this product is 12 years and older. Those under 15 years must work under supervision.

Only use the recommended tools and do not use any dangerous tools, such as knives or drills.

Do not work on this product if you are feeling sick or feel fatigue, and especially under influence of alcohol.

Keep the robot away from your face.

Keep the robot or its parts away from children.

Be careful not to get your finger be caught between the joints.

Resistance is futile. Your human mind will be broken.

ZRRRKKT! DIE, FLESHBAG!!

I realize this probably sounds rather negative. And it is. But I'm a big believer in the following tenet: If you can't beat the rush of oncoming robot apocalypse, you should join it.

That's why $2,999.00 plus shipping and handling seems like a reasonable amount of money to spend on creating a robot me that will replace the human me shortly after cold metal feet have stomped over the broken remains of my laser-blasted skeleton. Or maybe I'll just try to recreate the 1986 Boston Celtics so they can forever play for my enjoyment.

After all, any living thing can be built in the form of a robot.

The 2010 Christmas List: The Ultimate Revenge Kit

This product is pretty much as insideous as it looks.
The SpyMall Web site provides a great many ways to willingly violate someone's consitutional right to privacy. That's assuming you live in a country where the government has promised to always protect your privacy until it becomes super important to secretly violate it.

Consider yourselves warned, terrorists.

But SpyMall doesn't just let you snoop, restrain and deal out swift justice in the form of speeding lead projectiles. The site also provides an entire page devoted enitrely to revenge:

Unlike some of the other companies that you will encounter on the web and elsewhere, Brandon Enterprises likes to think of itself as a well-rounded company with something for everyone. This is true whether you are one of our many friends in the Law Enforcement field, or just someone who has the odds stacked against them. Our primary objective is to help put the odds in YOUR favor. Whatever your mission, whatever your situation, -- WE'VE GOT YOU COVERED!

This section of our virtual store is dedicated to products which give you the power to take back control of your life and put the fear of God into your enemies. As you will soon see, many of these marvels of chemistry and electronics have been adapted from the many gadgets used by intelligence operatives. Others were designed with one specific, yet wonderfully diabolical purpose in mind, GETTING-EVEN...

SpyMall then engages in some serious cover-our-ass-ing:

PLEASE NOTE: Brandon Enterprises does not condone or recommend the use of any of these products to inflict harm, injury, or mental anguish on any third party. These devices are sold strictly for novelty purposes and should not be used without the other persons consent. (Of course your already knew this, right?) Enjoy.

SpyMall then provides access to a whole series of sinister products that no sane and/or conscious human beign would ever consent to come into contact with. Not even somebody with a human ashtray fetish.

The most insideous of these products are collected in The Ultimate Revenge Kit:

Revenge can truly be sweet, -- especially if you have a fully equipped bag of tricks ready to deploy at a moments notice. This special kit offers you one of each of our unique revenge chemicals, (15-in-all) in a special padded, lockable, hard carry case. Chemicals included: Nasty Yellow Teeth, Hellfire & Brimstone, Un-Natural Gas, Evacuator, Sneezing Powder, Green Gas, Lock-Out Drops, Liquid Key Scratch, Vomit Fluid, Liquid Nightmare, The Blob, Stink Bomb, Liquid Roadkill, Blood Capsules, & Purple Rain. Purchased separately, the items contained in this kit would cost you over $175.00!!! Warning: These chemicals should not be used on someone without their consent.

You'll have to go to the site for a full description of these products. But I here's a description of the Evacuator:

The "Evacuator" is made from a unique natural bark which is then ground into a fine powder. When mixed into a marks food or drink, the active ingredient will cause total, uncontrollable, "evacuation" via the natural route. (The term "Evacuation" means that this chemical causes the victims bowels to purge or empty...) Stand CLEAR! Warning: Not to be used on others without their consent.

Evacuation "via the natural route"? Pussies. My kind of revenge includes evacuation via totally unnatural routes. Because nothing says "revenge" like some poor sucker shitting uncontrollably through his eyes.

Also, I love the warning. "Hey, Evil Ted, do you mind if I put a few drops of this liquid into your morning coffee? It'll cause horrific and unstoppable diarrhea. Do you consent to this?" Eh, I'll just assume he did and leave it at that.

At any rate, assuming another Celtics-Lakers Finals next summer, I'm going to have one of these babies shipped to every single hotel L.A. could possibly stay in. So if Kobe misses a few games due to deadly ass explosions, well, there's no need to thank me.

The 2010 Christmas List: The Beer Belly

"Ssshhhh! Don't tell anybody how fucking awesome I am."
I love going to live sporting events. Where else can you pay hundreds of dollars in tickets and concessions to watch fat guys gyrate during timeouts or see two topless guys in ass-hugging tights and gold body paint perform gymnastics -- slow, sweaty gymnastics -- off each other's rippling bodies?

And the 2010-11 Chicago Matadors added a real midget? Awesome.

That kind of high-quality entertainment isn't cheap. And sadly, like many fans, I can't enjoy that level of splendor very often. Mostly because I could have my entire body rebuilt out of bionic parts and gold bars for the cost of a few beers at the United Center. Not that I mind paying $8 for a four-ounce plastic cup of Miller Lite. Oh, wait. I do mind. A lot.

But...what if I could sneak in 80 ounces of my own beer? Well, I can. And so can you. Just use the Beer Belly:

Hot, right?
From the product description:

You can use the Beer Belly to hold either cold or hot beverages.

When worn under your clothes you just look like a dude sporting a nice beer gut.The bladder has a wide mouth opening allowing for the addition of ice (Margarita Time) and for easy cleaning.

The Beer Belly comes with the sling and the bladder. The sling is designed to fit users up to 6'8" and up to a 40" waist.

Made of neoprene, the sling insulates you and will feel like real flesh under your clothes. The bladder holds up to 80oz. of the beverage of your choice and fits in a custom shaped pouch inside the sling .

80 oz of beer... that's more than a 6 pack! Strap one on today! A perfect gift for your beer guzzling pals and family members!!

A perfect gift for everybody more like it! At a mere $34.95 plus S&H, the Beer Belly will pay for itself one round of drinks into the next live sporting event you attend.

Oh, and don't think I've forgotten about you, ladies. I present the Wine Rack:

Horrifying man face not included.
From the product description:

That's Drea, who is NOT, no offense, well endowed. Sporting the Wine Rack and Voila! She’s giving Pamela Anderson a run for the money.

Take a bottle of wine, a mixed drink or even a fifth of your favorite hard stuff to the movies, concerts, ball games, even PTA meetings. Sporting a rack that will turn heads and serving a beverage that will have guys standing in line for a sip of your secret stash!

With simple blow into the tube it's easy to keep that full look even as you drink from your secret stash.

Free liquor and bigger boobs? Everybody wins! Except for the people running the stadium. But don't worry about them. They eat babies.